by Lynda Chance
“Yes.”
“And just so there’s no more confusion or disagreements, we’ll come back again tomorrow and get married?”
“Yes.”
“We’re not going to tell anyone until it’s a done deal, because I don’t want any delay. My mother would try to stop us … she’d want to throw a big wedding—”
“I don’t want a big wedding,” Courtney interrupted. “I couldn’t stand not having my father there to walk me down the aisle.”
Fuck, he was such a dumbshit. Why had he even brought the subject of a wedding up? How could he not have thought of that? All he’d considered was the delay he hadn’t wanted. He’d done it again. She was right. He was inconsiderate and he needed to learn how to do better. Starting now. He leaned in again and kissed her forehead once more. “Okay, then. It’s a secret until it’s done, but then everyone knows, right?”
She broke out into a breathless, radiant smile. “Right,” she agreed.
Thank God.
****
Later that night, Courtney experienced the gentlest lovemaking she’d known in her admittedly short love life. Nick had been unbelievable, stroking every inch of her skin slowly, as if he were entranced.
As she lay awake in the aftermath, listening to his deep breathing, her brain cells were rioting. My God, he really loved her.
All it had taken was one small talk, two minutes of telling him what she needed from him, a few very real tears, and he’d listened to every word. He’d listened to her and tonight, he’d worshipped her body, his every touch gentle, his every stroke filled with love and a profound need for her.
She closed her eyes in delight. They were going to be so happy together. They loved each other so much, trusted each other, needed each other; they fit together like a glove.
Life was so good. Finally, life was good.
Nothing could go wrong.
****
A married woman now, the drive back across the Mississippi River was different than the drive over had been an hour earlier. Courtney couldn’t put her finger on exactly what it was, but Nick held her hand just a tad more tightly than before. He controlled the steering wheel with his left hand, and his right hand held hers over the console as he twirled both the engagement ring and the wedding band around and around on her finger. She glanced at his hand on the steering wheel and saw once again, the wedding band on his ring finger that matched hers.
A shiver of delight danced down her spine.
This man was hers. Hers, by God.
He glanced at her briefly before looking back to the road. “Let’s run by the house and get some more of your things. We’ll tell mom the news and she can spread the word. Later this weekend, we can pick up the rest of your stuff and you can move in completely. That sound all right?”
“Mm-hmm,” she agreed. She’d agree to just about anything right now. Her brain was floating around somewhere in a state of blissful happiness and anticipation.
“You sound happy,” he said with a growl of satisfaction.
She smiled and tightened her fingers on his. “That’s because I am happy.”
“Garrett’s going to be pissed when you stop travelling,” Nick announced with determination in his voice.
Courtney rolled her eyes. She’d travel if she damn well felt like it but she’d cross that bridge later. Nothing was going to interrupt the euphoria running through her bloodstream right now.
When she didn’t comment but only kept smiling, he smiled in return, obviously letting his challenge go, and then he changed the subject. “When do you want to start working on a baby? I’m ready whenever you are,” he teased. “What do you think?”
Courtney’s stomach dropped as she felt the color drain from her face. Nothing could interrupt the euphoria running through her bloodstream … except that. “Wh-what?” she asked in a stutter.
Nick braked as the car rolled up to a red light, and looked at her with a question in his eyes. “I’m just kidding, babe. I’m not sharing you for a long, long time.” He speared his hand through her hair as he smiled. “Unless an accident happens, and then I’ll have no choice,” he teased.
Thankfully, the light turned green and Courtney was spared from answering. The happiness had just gone out of her day, deflated like a viciously popped balloon. Shit. The happiness had just gone out of her life. Why. In. The. Hell. Hadn’t. She. Thought. About. This?
As they drove through the city, Courtney knew they couldn’t tell Justine about the marriage, not yet. Not until they’d talked. Just as he was about to board the freeway toward his mother’s house, she stopped him. “Nick,” she managed, with ill-concealed dread.
At the tone of her voice, he glanced over. “Yeah?”
“Let’s go to the penthouse first, okay?”
“We just decided we’d tell mom and pick up some of your things,” he answered in a stilted manner.
“Yeah, I know, but I’ve changed my mind. I don’t feel so hot. Can you take me back to the penthouse? Please?”
His features hardened but he turned in the appropriate direction. The five minutes it took to arrive in the underground parking were some of the longest of her life. Dread sat like a dead weight in her belly.
But she had to tell him. She knew she did. And then she had to let him go. She loved Nick but she had to let him go. For his happiness.
To stop it from trembling, she bit her lip until she tasted blood.
****
The minutes in the elevator were some of the most confusing moments of Nick’s life. Everything had been damn perfect the entire day. Courtney had worn white to the ceremony, just as he’d requested. He’d had no idea what kind of flowers she would want or if she’d want any at all. He’d bought her a dozen long-stemmed roses, a corsage that would pin to her dress, another that she could wear on her wrist, and finally, a bouquet of flowers she could carry if that was her choice. She’d seemed flabbergasted by all the flowers, but she’d smiled and thrown her arms around him.
They’d made love before they left for the Belleville Courthouse, arriving exactly twenty-five hours after they’d bought the marriage license. They’d been held up because Nick had ruined both Courtney’s hair and make-up and she’d insisted on repairing them. She’d looked beautiful mussed up, and it had been his inclination to refuse her the time, so ready to get the deed accomplished, but he’d swallowed down his aggression and been considerate.
The ceremony itself had been quick but it seemed to make Courtney happy. She’d been agreeable to everything all day. He knew he’d made that quip about her not travelling anymore, but damn, he’d had to get it out there. Anyway, that hadn’t been the problem. He’d seen her roll her eyes as if he weren’t her boss but the smile had never left her eyes.
Not until he’d mentioned a baby.
At the subject, all the animation had left her face and she’d turned ashen, looking almost ill and gaunt within seconds.
Goddamnit. What in the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he learn? Why couldn’t he think ahead like a reasonable human being and get his shit straight the first time?
Of course a discussion about having kids so soon might scare or worry her. There were any number of reasons for that, and like a dumbfuck, he’d had to blurt out something that should have been approached with care.
She was right. He was inconsiderate. Insensitive. But he swore to God, before the day was over, he’d get a fucking clue and give her whatever she wanted.
Because there was only one thing in life that he wanted, and that was Courtney Powell. No, scratch that. Courtney Rule.
Oh yeah. He liked the sound of that. Whatever happened, it was too damn late for her to get away from him now. He needed to quit worrying so much. She’d married him. She was his now. He’d make up his blunder to her somehow, and eventually, ease whatever fears she had about having children.
Yeah, he wanted kids someday. But they were still young. Anything could happen. Maybe they’d have a house full of childre
n, maybe they’d have none.
When it came down to it, all he wanted was for Courtney to be happy. Well, happy with him.
Yeah, that’s all he wanted.
****
Courtney walked through to her suite of rooms the second the elevator doors opened. Knowing she couldn’t put the discussion off, she quickly changed out of the white dress into jeans and a t-shirt, ready for that particular reminder of what had started out to be the happiest day of her life to be gone.
What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she want a baby? That question was crazy; she did want a child. She wanted one desperately. But how could she be so selfish as to bring a child into the world just because she wanted one? What would happen to that baby if something happened to her and Nick? It would be left all alone in the world, all alone to face crushing heartache and pain. Courtney couldn’t even take the remotest chance of that happening.
The memory of what she’d been through came back with an unmerciful vengeance. Cold panic ran through her bloodstream at the remembered trauma. And she admitted, it had been traumatic. Looking back, she knew she shouldn’t have hidden her pain so well from Justine. She’d tried so hard to ease the older woman’s burdens. But really, she’d been little more than a child and she’d done what she’d thought best at the time. But now she realized that she’d needed help. Maybe if she’d had counseling things would be different now.
But they weren’t.
She trembled as she prepared herself to face Nick. She wouldn’t have a child. She couldn’t. That was a heartache that she’d have to live with, but there was no reason that Nick should have to endure the same emptiness in his life. She loved him too much to even think of letting that happen.
With a sinking heart, she trailed back into the living area, not surprised in the least to see Nick tensed up, standing next to the wall of windows, a highball glass in his hand.
At her entry, he turned to face her and downed the drink. Attempting to steady her nerves, she took a seat in the chair next to the sofa and waited.
She didn’t have long to wait. He set the glass down, but instead of sitting on the sofa as she’d expected, as she’d intended, he came directly in front of her, into her personal space and maneuvered her legs apart with his hands on her knees. He came down on his haunches between them with a sigh. With a gentle hand, he speared his fingers through her hair and gazed at her, his heart in his eyes. “Sweetheart, I shouldn’t have said what I did. Of course there’s no rush. Baby, you’re worrying for nothing.”
Unable to control her need to touch him, she sank her fingers into his hair. The chemistry that had always been so strong between them hadn’t lessened a bit. Her eyes held his as she savored what it had been like between them, even if it had only been that way for a short while. With the words she was about to speak, everything between them would change.
She took a stabilizing breath and began. “I’m sorry that the subject of a baby never came up between us. I don’t know why it never did.” She swallowed and continued, “Of course you want a family,” her eyes filled with tears and she shrugged her shoulders as her hand dropped away from him to land in her lap. “I can’t have a child, Nick.”
He was silent for a moment and although she was looking down at her hands, she knew he studied her intently before he carefully spoke. “Why, sweetheart? Is there a physical problem that precludes you carrying a baby?”
She bit her lip and shook her head, misery like a lead ball in her belly.
“What’s wrong, then?” he whispered, his thumb rubbing along her cheekbone.
She took a deep breath and lifted her face, but kept her eyes downcast. “Being orphaned was … was devastating,” she answered, although that was only the tip of the iceberg.
He flinched at her words and his touch on her face tightened. “Yeah, but now you have me. We have each other.” His voice reflected confusion, genuine concern, and at the same time, ultimate possession.
Courtney bit her lip, so badly wanting to go into his arms. She knew what he would say. She knew he’d say they didn’t have to have kids. But she also knew he wanted a family, he deserved his own family. And he could still have that. Just not with her.
With her lip between her teeth, as he stared at her face, she looked away, unable to meet his eyes. Tears spilled down her cheeks and she brushed them away. “I know losing your dad was hard on you and your siblings. I don’t want … I don’t want to downplay that loss. But you still had your mom, and the house you’d grown up in. You had stability in your life.” Her words came to a quavering halt as she thought about what she’d say next.
His fingers became caressing against her scalp. “I realize you had it bad, baby. I’ve always known that. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always ached to take care of you. Don’t you get that?”
She nodded her head. “I know, and I love you for it.” She finally found the courage to meet his eyes. “This is so sad, you know?”
“Why does it have to be sad?” He questioned with something close to panic in his voice.
She looked away from him again. “I can’t give you the family you want, I just can’t do it. I can’t ever, ever bring a child into this world, knowing there’s a possibility it might go through what I went through.” Her throat began aching with unshed tears but she persevered before she broke down. She had to make him understand. “See, if I don’t ever have a baby, then there’s no chance it could ever lose its mommy and daddy, you know?”
There was utter silence in the room except for the tick of the antique clock on the mantel. After a few seconds she felt Nick’s hand release her hair and then he lifted her chin. Her eyes met his and she was immediately hit by the anguish she saw reflected there. And it wasn’t anguish for his loss of a child, no; she knew it was anguish for what she was feeling. His voice was rough and implacable when he spoke. “Then we won’t have any. It’s as simple as that.”
Courtney closed her eyes and began sobbing in earnest. “I knew you’d say that,” she got out between tears. She began crying even harder, shaking her head at the same time. The harder she cried, the harder she shook her head.
Nick tried to take her in his arms, but she pushed his hands away and stood up to walk across the room before facing him again. She crossed her arms over her chest defensively. “I love you.” She saw pain and confusion in his eyes, so she tried to make him understand how much she loved him. She took a deep breath and continued more softly, “I love the way you waited for me all those years. I love the way you can’t always hide your impatience. I love the way you’re so selfish about me that you sometimes forget to think of me first. I love the way you are. And I love the man you’ve become.” She halted as her voice cut out and she licked her lips. “But we can’t be married. I can’t have the children that I know you want.” She bit her lip and took a shuddering breath. “I’ll always love you, and I promise, I swear to God, that I’ll love the children you’ll have someday.” She swallowed, forcing the words out. “And I promise that I won’t make trouble for you. I … I’ll be happy for you,” her voice cracked on a sob, “and for the woman you eventually marry.”
With those words, Courtney turned and fled to her suite, locking the door behind her.
****
Nick took a few stumbling steps backwards until he fell back on the sofa. His head sank down into his hands and he let out a tortured, shuddering moan. What the hell had she gone through? He’d known it had been bad for her, but why hadn’t he seen exactly how badly the death of her parents had scarred her?
If he’d realized, if she hadn’t hidden it so well, he’d have done things differently. What, he didn’t exactly know. He should have seen that she needed professional help, that she needed grief counseling. Maybe he should have married her the second she turned eighteen. Then, at least, he could have held her every night, been there for her the last six years, giving her comfort every day. Made her feel that she belonged, that she wasn’t alone, made her realize that she was
loved.
Her pain went so deep, it was almost unfathomable to him, though in a way, he understood her logic.
His scared, emotionally fragile, brave, selfless Courtney was trying to protect her unborn children. She loved the thought of her future children so much that she’d give up knowing them, give up having them, just to protect them from the pain that she’d endured.
This was an agony that she might carry her entire life. He suddenly saw her future the way that she was seeing it. It wasn’t something he wanted for her, but he might not be able to change the outcome. If she continued to refuse to have kids, she’d never get to know the joy of being a mother, and that made him so sad for her.
But she couldn’t hide one thing. She wanted him in her life, as her husband, he knew she did, even though it seemed she was determined to set him free. Yeah, right. He never wanted to be free of Courtney. There was no reason in the world she shouldn’t have him. It escaped Nick that he wasn’t thinking about his own loss. It never once occurred to him that he might never get to be a father. All he cared about was Courtney’s happiness and being with her. Being there for her, as her husband, her lover, her protector, everything she needed. For always.
The fact that she’d actually stated that they couldn’t be married almost annihilated him. Thank God they were already married and she wouldn’t have a choice in the matter. Thank God they’d never had that particular conversation about children until after they’d exchanged the vows that would bind her to him forever.
He sucked in a stabilizing breath and then another. He could give up children if he had to. Children, to him, were an added bonus that he could do without, if necessary. There wasn’t a chance in goddamn hell that he was giving up Courtney.
****
Nick kept his eye on Courtney’s door but she never attempted to leave her suite the entire night.
The next morning, her face looked drawn, but she was dressed for work when she emerged into the living area. He stood in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee as she walked through to the elevator. “You going down?”