by Shayla Black
“Oh, Macen.” She teared up for him. The loss of the people who had given him life and should have loved him must have been tough. He probably hadn’t expected grief but felt it anyway and hadn’t been equipped to understand. She wanted to touch him so badly, but he still had more to say. “I’m sorry. You didn’t have anyone to help you through that. You deserved better.”
“They were who they were. I was nineteen and financially set for life, so that was something… It wasn’t like I was suddenly alone for the first time.”
“You’d always been alone,” she whispered.
“Pretty much. I was clueless about what I wanted to do, except quit school. I’d gone to Harvard to please them, but now I didn’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. So I went back to New York, bought an obscenely expensive apartment in Tribeca, and started hanging out at BDSM clubs. I spent my days working out at the gym and my nights working subs to orgasm. But after a while I got bored, so I enrolled in some music humanities courses at Columbia. That’s where I met Juliet.”
Now Macen got quiet, pensive. “In retrospect, I think I was lonely and wanted family or permanence—something. So I thought I’d create that with Juliet. She was an art major but had to take some music courses to fulfill her undergrad requirements. We shared a class. Thanks to Tom’s tutelage, I recognized her submissive earmarks inside two minutes. So I turned on my charm and seduced her. Within three months, we’d quit Columbia, moved in together, and gotten engaged.” He gave a heavy sigh. “We fed each other’s worst tendencies.”
“She didn’t have boundaries?”
“Not many she’d speak aloud. And she wanted constant attention, which I was only too happy to give her as long as she surrendered all her power.” He laughed bitterly. “I thought that was love. A year later, we got married. Her mother despised me for being a controlling beast. The old woman didn’t know the half of it. The hold I had over Linnet was nothing compared to the complete and utter control I wielded with Juliet. She did nothing without my permission, not even put on a sock.”
Raine pressed a hand over her mouth. The repercussions of his words rippled through her over and over. “She was your slave.”
“In every way. I was the king of her fucking world, and she obeyed me almost without hesitation or question. In the middle of all that, I lost sight of my responsibility to guide and protect Juliet’s emotional welfare. The harder I pushed her, the more she surrendered. And the greedier I got.”
“You hadn’t been taught to be any other sort of Dominant.” And he certainly hadn’t known what love was.
“No, but I should have fucking figured it out somewhere along the way, you know? I didn’t, though. One night we were at a club called Graffiti. Juliet was watching Liam work a sub. I could tell he intrigued her. I’d been itching for a threesome for years. It was the one kink I hadn’t shared with Juliet. Suddenly, I was sure that ordering her to share my pussy with another man would prove just how much she was under my spell.” He huffed in self-disgust. “So I invited him to join us for a drink, then back to our place to top Juliet. It went well. The first time we took her together, it was like being fifteen again. The rush, the thrill, the mind-bending sensations… But it was better because I felt like I’d found the missing half of myself in Liam. We bonded like brothers instantly. Everything was great at first. Then…not so much.”
“He told me he wasn’t exclusive with you two.”
Hammer shook his head, still peering out the window. “It didn’t take long before I suspected Juliet was falling in love with Liam. I knew he didn’t love her. He was too noble to let himself grow attached because she was my wife. I was still trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do about that when, out of the blue, she swallowed a bottle of pills I didn’t even know she had a prescription for.”
Raine took in his tense posture, the regret etched into his face, and she couldn’t help herself. She smoothed his hair back and leaned over to kiss his jaw. “The morning you walked out, after I balked at the bondage last week… Liam told me Juliet was pregnant. Don’t be angry with him. I wasn’t coping, and he knew I needed to understand—”
“I’m glad. In fact, I’m grateful.” Hammer swallowed and closed his eyes. “I didn’t have the balls to tell you myself. I’m still terrified you’re going to look at me like I’m a monster.”
“Macen, I would never—”
“You should. I let Juliet down on every possible level as a husband and a Dom. I buried my wife and unborn child, packed up all my shit, and moved to Los Angeles within days. I didn’t even say good-bye to Liam. I couldn’t look him in the eye, knowing how horrifically I’d failed Juliet. His condemnation would have crushed me.”
“Then you opened Shadows?” Raine hoped to direct him to happier times. He’d done so much good for so many people, and she wanted him to remember that.
“Yeah. I should have walked away from the lifestyle completely but I couldn’t. Instead, I vowed never to take on another sub. Shadows would be my first priority. I wanted to make sure people had a safe place to play, where Doms would never be taught to feed off power like a parasite. When I opened, I literally had to turn people away and implement a waiting list. The club was an overnight sensation.”
“It’s a great place. You’ve done right by the members.” She laid a gentle hand over his.
“Yeah. There’s that. But I was a lousy human being. I would have cut Liam out of my life for good except…I never let go of my guilt. Just before the first anniversary of Juliet’s death, I grew a pair and called him. I told him I planned to come back to New York to visit her grave. I hadn’t realized how much I missed the man until I heard his voice. In fact, I missed him more than I did my late wife, which was another mindfuck.” He shook his head. “That first visit was awkward and bittersweet as hell. But Liam, with that fucking compassionate heart of his, stood by me at the cemetery as I mourned and piled on more guilt and withheld the truth about Juliet’s pregnancy. I didn’t want him to suffer. Afterward, he took me out and got me shitfaced. But no amount of booze was enough to drown my remorse or wash away my sins.”
“You’ve got to stop this. So much of what happened wasn’t your fault. You’ve become an amazing man.”
“The only thing I’ve ever done right is you.” He blew out a breath, fought tears, and still refused to look at her. “And even that I screwed up for years.”
His cutting honesty was breaking her heart. “Macen, don’t… Please. That’s not true.”
“It is. Don’t sugarcoat this. I don’t deserve it. Because there’s more.” He nodded in challenge. “Yeah. That night I found you huddled by the dumpster, I couldn’t stand to see you hurting. Somewhere in the back of my head, I thought by saving you I could atone. Except the unthinkable happened. I fell in love with you—fast. Jesus, that did a fucking number on my head. You were barely seventeen and I was almost thirty. Teenage girls had never held any appeal for me, even when I was a teenager. I called myself every kind of pervert imaginable. I mean, I knew I was bent but… Do you know how much I fucking hated myself for wanting you? When you turned eighteen, I nearly dragged you into my room, locked the door, and sank inside your body for days, weeks, years. I tried to convince myself that I could have you and not ruin you, but guilt and terror made me keep my distance.”
Raine didn’t even know what to say anymore. She just gave him her silent support, let him purge it all out, and wished he’d finally look at her.
“I fucked just about every single sub in the club, and I hurt you so much, precious. I have no idea why you love me—”
“Because you were always there for me, always protected me, wanted what was best for me, and challenged me. You were noble, Macen.”
“Bullshit.” He dragged in a jagged breath.
“Yes. Stop beating yourself up. Our choices and experiences have made us who we are, led us to right now, to the love we share.” She placed a hand on her stomach. “Gave us the baby we’re having, th
e future we could have if you’d just forgive yourself…”
“How can I? I didn’t fix myself for years, just drowned in shame and pussy because it was easy and what I understood.”
“You stayed away from me for so long because the people who should have cared for you had done nothing but use and abuse you.” She understood utterly now. “You did everything in your power to make sure the same thing didn’t happen to me.”
Hammer nodded bleakly. “But I was a jealous bastard, too. I couldn’t stand the thought of another man touching you. I wanted to kill Zak and Gabriel. I wanted to rip their dicks off.”
She suppressed a little smile. Gee, I would have never guessed… “I understand. I lost count of how many bitches I wanted to slap.”
He grimaced. “Yeah… But I wasn’t just jealous. I drove everyone away from you because your heart was so…pure. I couldn’t let them hurt you. If I’d given in to my craving for you years ago, I would have destroyed that—and you.”
He would have. As much as Raine had wanted him then, she hadn’t understood herself or her heart yet. She hadn’t been strong enough to stand in the storm they weathered now and endure the driving pain. She would have crumbled before they reached the heartfelt intimacy they shared today.
“So you didn’t lie to me after that first night we spent together. When you said you needed a slave, I thought—”
“I was full of shit. Yeah, I knew. But that was okay. It kept you away. I’d already fucked up once, given into booze and anger and a need for you that strangled me every fucking day. Being with you that night…holding you? It was the first time I’d felt peace in twenty years. I knew I was in love with you, but I didn’t know how to show it or how to be the man you deserved. I knew how to take a woman’s power and bend it to make me happy. You needed something else entirely. God, I fought myself… I still do sometimes. It’s the reason I backed off so badly after Bill almost killed you. The thought of losing the only woman I’ve ever loved in my entire life, of losing that innocent child growing inside you… I—I can’t. I’d never be able to survive that, precious.” He swallowed and gripped her hand so tightly her fingers went numb.
“I’m here,” she promised. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“But I might be. I’m scared I’ll be ripped from you. And you deserved to know everything I’ve told you because I couldn’t leave without you understanding how much I love you, how much joy and happiness you’ve brought to my life. You taught me how to live, Raine. But more than that, you taught me how to love. You stood by me all these years when I was a cold-hearted bastard, denying everything between us. You’ve branded yourself into my soul. Merely saying I love you can’t even scratch the surface of the profound feelings I have for you. I’m not even sure the words to describe that exist.” He leaned his head on their joined hands. “You’re everything. My breath, body, and soul. It would take me an entire lifetime to show you how I feel, and I don’t have a fucking clue how I’m supposed to squeeze all that into the time we might have left. How do I do that, precious? Cram all the love I have for you into six fucking weeks?”
“By taking things one day at a time. By looking at me. Please…”
* * *
Hammer gripped Raine’s hand, ignoring the fine tremor in his arms. Why was the simple act of opening his eyes and looking at her so fucking difficult? He’d done it thousands of times, over thousands of days. But facing her now was one of the most difficult things he’d ever done.
Because he’d just laid himself bare for her, and if he saw judgment or condemnation, he’d be utterly devastated.
“Macen.” She kissed his knuckles. “Have faith.”
In her. In them. In the belief that she could love him as completely as he loved her. God knew he didn’t have faith in much else in life, but he believed in what they shared, all the way down to his core.
Hope strangled him as he slowly lifted his lids and focused on her.
Raine was waiting for him with big blue eyes, trembling tears, acceptance, and so much love he thought he’d burst. “Hi.”
God, he was going to cry like a pussy. He blinked. Hot, acidic drops spilled down his cheeks, and he swore. “Fuck.”
She gave him a watery giggle. “You’re so poetic.”
“And romantic. Yeah.”
Her delicate fingers curled around his cheek. “I’d say that’s why I love you…but that doesn’t even scratch the surface.”
“I more than love you, Raine. Thank you for listening.”
Spilling his life story had been painful and cathartic. He’d hung on to the bitterness for years—anger toward his unfeeling parents, his depraved caretakers, and his stupid-ass self. If his parents had just given a shit, maybe he wouldn’t have been such easy prey for two ruthless sexual freaks. If he hadn’t been horny and lonely and ready to flip his parents the moral bird, he wouldn’t have been so ready to toss away his innocence for a kinky fuck. At the end of the day, he couldn’t blame anyone but himself—which he’d been doing for twenty years. His shit went way further back than Juliet, and he allowed himself to admit it. Wasn’t it time to forgive himself, too? He’d made mistakes—some good, some bad. Either way, they’d all led him here, to this woman, to the love he’d been seeking his entire life, to this bond they shared with Liam.
To peace.
To pure, unconditional love.
“I always will.” She brushed a kiss across his knuckles. “I’ve spent a lot of time the past few weeks wondering if maybe we would have all been better off if I had left Shadows that morning I threatened to. You know, the morning I sneaked in your bed and tried to seduce you.”
“Oh, I remember.” He enveloped her small hand in his broad palms. “You scared the shit out of me.”
A smile tripped across her lips. “I was terrified, too. But if I’d walked out the door like I’d threatened, we could have saved ourselves so much pain.”
“But—”
“But we would have missed out on everything wonderful. I know.”
“I wouldn’t have missed you for the world. I don’t care what we’ve been through. This is worth it.”
Her smile turned dazzling. “Last Halloween, I never fathomed we’d be here today. I’d never kissed you. I barely knew Liam. That was less than four months ago. Now we’re sharing a house, having a baby…”
“And you’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been. I’d spend three lifetimes behind bars to have shared these past few months with you and Liam.” Hammer placed his hand on her stomach. “I might not get to share the joy of raising this child. But I’ll always be a part of you, Liam, and our baby. I might not be here physically, but I hope I’ll be here.”
He raised his hand to her heart and slanted his lips over hers.
“You will.” Her voice cracked. “I don’t want to do this without you.”
“I hope you don’t have to, precious.”
Raine wrapped her slender hands around his cheeks and drew him to her lips. Hammer couldn’t help but groan. The feather-soft kisses she pressed to the corners of his mouth were so heartfelt he nearly crumbled. Her sweet affection bled the ever-present anxiety from his veins. Soothed him. Calmed him. For the first time in his life, Macen relinquished his control and simply felt.
Hyperaware of the smoldering connection that always pulsed between them, Macen’s senses sharpened. Time ceased to have meaning.
When he closed his eyes, he could almost see them, one still image after the other, as their love flared. Hammer pressed every picture into his memory, storing them away in case the feds locked him up. He’d cherish and relive each one when he was going mad with grief, loneliness, and need.
But he wasn’t just seeing them together. He was completely in the moment with Raine, so attuned to her—aware of her every nuance—that even something as simple as her breathing awakened his senses.
The sensual bow of her lips fascinated him. He leaned closer and traced them with his finger. Her hypnotic feminine heat
hovered in the air, intoxicating. She made him ache to feel her, taste her. To drag her beneath him and never let go.
“I want to make love to you, precious.”
Her lashes fluttered down to her cheeks as her mouth curled up in a soft smile. “I’d like that.”
“Listen to me, Raine. I don’t mean sex or a power exchange. Tonight, I just want to be a man who loves a woman.”
“Macen…” A single tear tracked down her cheek. “I’ve always felt your love.”
Even when he hadn’t meant for her to. Even when he hadn’t given it freely.
He thumbed away the clear drop as he stood and wrapped his arms around her. “I don’t know how, but I thank god every day you did.”
He couldn’t—wouldn’t—waste another second. With infinite care, he lifted her, clutching her close as she wrapped her slender legs around him. She slid her arms behind his neck and sent him a searching stare.
“I want to touch you in ways I never have,” he told her.
Raine buried her face in his neck as if she couldn’t get close enough, couldn’t inhale him enough, as Hammer carried her upstairs to their bedroom.
Just inside the door, she sank her fingers into his scalp and drew him to her lips again. Macen didn’t even make it to the bed before need seized him. He pressed her to the wall, sank into her mouth, and poured his heart into the kiss. He made love to her mouth—tasting, tormenting, teasing—as he stroked her tongue with a sensual surge and retreat. She dragged in a breath, grabbed his shirt, grinding softly against him as she cried out in supplication, a plea for all the love and passion he could give her.
Raine writhed against the erection tenting his trousers. She arched, tossing her head back. Through the barrier of their clothes, he could feel her taut nipples against his chest. The graceful line of her neck beckoned him. Hammer couldn’t resist. He feathered his lips up her skin, breathing her in, holding her tight as he worked his way back to her lips with a groan.