by Alex Pitt
I wanted Jack in my future, I really did, but there were so many things up in the air. I didn’t know if we’d last the week, let alone have a long-term relationship.
“And how do you feel, besides the situation with Jack?”
“Fine.” I refused to make eye contact, and he picked up on that.
“Daisy, love, I don’t mind meeting you, but you have to be open and honest with me. You have to look at me and you have to talk to me and then we can move forwards. Is that OK?
I nodded. Yes, that was fine.
“Shall we go for a walk?” he asked me, and I shuddered.
That was the last thing I needed now, after all that had gone on with Jack. I was starting to wish I hadn’t met him today. He was giving me the creeps, and I didn’t like it.
“Actually…” I started to say, but he placed a hand on my arm.
“Come on, Daisy, a walk will do you good. We’ll just go up past the doctor’s and circle back. It might give you chance to clear your mind. I think you need that, wouldn’t you agree?”
I would, but I was also scared. Having said that, I was equally scared of what would happen if I refused.
So, I nodded.
“Yes, let’s go for a walk.”
I headed to the door and watched him put on his big trench coat and don an old-fashioned hat. He looked completely ridiculous, but it was kind of sweet.
I had a push-pull relationship with my therapist. Sometimes I found him completely creepy, and then, other times, I found him sweet and charming. Damn him. He wasn’t like Jack, who was permanently handsome.
I was so glad I’d met Jack, because he finally brought a spark to my life. It was true to say that the spark kept coming and going, but I was still happy. Happier some days than others. My mood kept changing. If I was thinking about Jack, I was happy. If I was thinking about Ruby and all of the other things in my life, I was miserable.
Now, added on top of that was the baby slowly growing inside of me. I was scared for the future, so scared, and this baby didn’t help. It was just an added complication.
Don’t get me wrong, there was a time when I’d been looking forward to growing up and getting married and having children, but I think that ship had sailed. I had way too much on my plate to be thinking about that now.
If I’m going to be completely upfront and honest with you, like my therapist always encourages me to be, I wasn’t happy at all in my life. Sure, it had been better since Jack had entered, because he’d given me a reason to smile, but it was just a façade.
One guy can make you smile for a while, but he can’t make all of the problems go away. Even if I told him everything that was going on, it wouldn’t help. There are some things that I just need to deal with on my own. My life’s a mess, and he doesn’t understand that.
“Shall we go?” he asked me, and I nodded.
“Yeah, I’m ready,” I told him, holding my arms over my chest.
Despite the outside temperature being warm, it felt considerably chilly in his office. In fact, as we walked past the rows of empty glass cubes and got in the lift, the whole building struck me as quite cold and lonely.
I wondered how many people had ever come in there, spilling their minds, needing help, almost begging for it. I was sure that none of them could have been as messed up as I was.
“Daisy, are you sure you want to do this? You can say no if you want.”
He was staring at me intently, and it scared me. His eyes were digging into me, piercing my skin, right through to the brain.
“Honestly, I’m fine.” I gave him a smile, but it was very weak and very faint.
As the elevator doors were closing, I felt trapped. I thought I would suffocate, the air around me disappearing rapidly. I placed my hand on my neck, wiping away the sweat. Jesus, why was I putting myself through this? I just needed to get home, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that.
“We’ll just be a few minutes, and then I’ll let you go, yeah?”
I didn’t believe him but I nodded anyway.
We were the last ones in the building, so he locked up and set the alarm. It was a loud beeping noise, and it brought the panic back on. I was jumpy, scared out of my skin. Something was seriously wrong with me.
“Alright, let’s go,” he said, grinning.
I didn’t like that grin.
It was eerie. Creepy, but oddly charming. Like I said, I was a mess.
I didn’t know what was happening to me. I needed a therapist, a proper one, or the whole world would fall on my face. I couldn’t take it anymore, I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
We stepped out on the sidewalk and moved off down the street.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Tom
I’d always had a problem. I was fat, but not obese, and I got out of breath so easily. I never really thought it was something serious, I just thought that’s the way it is. I’m fat, so I can’t run very far.
But the thing is, I can run. Sometimes I could run three times around the block and without breaking a sweat, but then other times it’s just impossible. I can get out of breath from walking up the stairs.
I didn’t think there was any point in seeing someone about this, but my friends were pestering me and so I booked an appointment with Doctor Marsh to find out what the hell was going on with me.
“What’s the problem, Thomas?” she asked, using my full name.
So, I explained the problems and everything and she told me that I probably had asthma. Makes sense, I guess, now that I think about it.
“From everything you’ve told me, I am pretty certain that you have fluctuating asthma.”
“And how is that different from regular asthma?” I queried.
“It’s not,” she told me. “Apart from that it comes and goes. You can have really good days and you can have really bad days, I just depends on how your body is functioning. But, of course, I wouldn’t like to mis-diagnose you so we will have to re-book for you to have a lung function test and an x-ray. How does next Thursday sound?”
I said it was fine and she let me go. That was a short and sweet session, a lot less painless than I thought it would be.
Asthma. It may not be conclusive, but it sure as hell looked like it. I guess that meant I’d have to use a respirator to breathe properly.
At least I could actually tell my friends, and my mother, that I’d been to the doctors and tried to sort myself out. Anything to get them off my back and if I sorted out my breathing problems, that would be even better.
I did miss the way things used to be. Ever since Jack had met Daisy, I’d been feeling side-lined. If I spoke to Jack he would deny it, and I don’t think he ever meant to make me feel this way, but it was still the case. He loved Daisy and I would never take that away from him, but he should still make time for his friends. Even when the four of us guys had hung out, he seemed to prefer talking to Scooter and Vince over me.
Even after Vince had drugged up his girlfriend, he seemed to bother with him more than me. And, by the way, I still hadn’t forgiven Vince entirely for giving those drugs to Daisy. I know I’m not really involved in that because it was between Jack and Daisy and Vince, but I was still allowed an opinion and I thought that Jack had forgiven Vince way too quickly.
I didn’t want to cause any arguments or create a bad atmosphere between us, so I let things slide.
It was late-afternoon by the time I’d got out of the doctor’s, and my thumbs were twitching. I hadn’t played a game of Call of Duty all day, and I was beginning to have withdrawal symptoms.
“One more level and then I’m prestige eight,” I smiled to myself, not a care in the world.
I certainly didn’t realise what was going on just a few metres away. Well, I didn’t notice immediately, but I was alarmed when I heard squealing and a gruff voice echo throughout the street.
“Don’t moan so loud,” the voice said. “It’s broad fucking daylight.”
“Sorry,�
�� the girl whispered, and it was that brief word that sparked me into action.
The voice was full of tears. It sounded like they were streaming down her face, and I didn’t know who it was or what was happening to her. All I knew was that Rachel and April’s case was still fresh in my mind, so I didn’t know who was down the little alleyway, but it didn’t sound right.
I’d never even seen anyone down there before, so I guess they thought they’d go uninterrupted. If everything was consensual and I’d simply misinterpreted the woman’s voice, I would leave immediately. I didn’t want to intrude, but you can never be too safe nowadays.
I walked slowly up the alleyway, not wanting to startle them. I was just going to peak around the corner, see what was going on, and then hopefully leave. I’d never been much of a fighter, but I would defend someone if I had to.
What I saw when I turned the corner shocked me. It absolutely ripped right through me, sent shivers down my spine, and I still remember the horrific sight to this day.
There was a girl pinned against the wall, her face covered in runny make-up, tears dripping from her skin. The man in front of her was doing whatever he pleased to her, and it certainly didn’t look consensual.
There was something else, something even worse.
The girl was Daisy.
She looked over his shoulder and spotted me. I think she was about to shout for help, but then decided against it and closed her mouth again. She lightly shook her head, so as not to alert the man, and she was silently telling me to go away.
I wasn’t going anywhere.
Daisy obviously didn’t want this, but she was scared of what would happen if I intervened. That didn’t matter to me. For both Jack and Daisy, I had to do something.
“Get off her, you bastard,” I shouted, running forward and slamming into him.
He was taken by surprise and toppled over, releasing Daisy and letting her crash to the floor. She quickly picked herself back up and hoisted her trousers around her waist. She was furious, and started kicking the man in front of her.
“You told me it wouldn’t happen again, you pig. I trusted you. I needed you.”
With each word came another powerful kick and I had to step in before she beat this man to death.
“Daisy, stop,” I said, grabbing hold of her arms and making her face me. “We can report him to the police. Get him arrested.”
Daisy shook her head. “No, let’s not get him arrested.”
“Why the hell not?” I asked, appalled.
“Because I brought this on myself,” she told me, a fresh batch of tears breaking through. “I asked for this. It’s all my fault.”
“But how do you know he’s not doing it to other girls?”
“He promised, and I do actually believe him. He’s my therapist, Tom, and I brought everything that he’s done to me on myself. This is why I’ve been so distant with Jack sometimes. It’s because this has been going on for weeks and I can’t tell him. I’ll lose him if I do.”
“Then I’m telling him,” I said firmly, digging my phone out of my pocket.
“No,” Daisy shouted, startling me. “Please, Tom, no. I will tell Jack. I’ll tell him everything, I promise. I want to be the one who tells him.”
“I respect that, Daisy, but you should have told him when it started.”
On the ground, the therapist groaned and turned his head. He’d been listening to our conversation, but Daisy gave him another kick to the face before I could stop her.
“Alright, listen. I will tell you everything. Literally everything. All the things that I haven’t been able to tell Jack. I don’t want to talk about it, but you’ve seen it now and I can’t keep it bottled up forever. Why do people always find these things out in the worst way possible? First Jack found out about Ruby in my house, now you’ve seen this happening.”
She chuckled lightly when she said that, and the man on the floor tried to rise again. She didn’t stop him this time, but he did up his belt, put his hat on straight, and began to head off.
“I think our sessions should come to an end,” Daisy spat, and the man nodded. “I’ll be glad to see the back of him,” she added, when he’d begun jogging down the street.
“You to tell me what’s been happening, Daisy.”
“I will, Tom, like I promised. Then you’ll be able to see why I haven’t told Jack and why I can’t go to the police, and why me and Jack have been so rocky lately. I feel so bad about it. I feel awful, keeping this a secret. I just don’t want to hurt him.”
I put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but she wasn’t done yet.
“There’s something else I’m going to have to tell him eventually. Has he told you about the baby?” she asked, and I shook my head. I didn’t like where this was going.
“I’m pregnant, and he thinks the baby is his. But it isn’t, it can’t be.”
“What are you saying?” I queried, as tears ran down her cheeks.
“I'm pregnant with the therapist’s baby,” and then she said no more.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Daisy
I couldn’t believe Tom had found out. I felt so awful now, even worse than before. Not only was I keeping this from Jack, but now I was asking his friend to keep secrets as well. It wasn’t fair and I knew that, so I’d make sure he found out soon. He’d find out one way or another.
I had to tell Tom the truth. I had to tell him everything that had been going on in my life, and that was a terrifying prospect. I’d never told anyone before. No one knew this was happening apart from me and my therapist. Ex-therapist, I should say.
After I’d told Tom the terrible truth about the baby, I couldn’t bring myself to say another word. Instead, I clutched on to my tummy, where the baby was growing, and went to sit on the curb. The slab was cold on my bum, but I needed it. I needed a sharp sensation to bring me back to reality.
Tom came to sit with me, putting a chubby arm across my shoulders. It was nice. He didn’t mean anything by it, but it was warm and protective and I was glad. At the same time, it reminded me of Jack. He’d always been there for me, and this was going on behind his back. I didn’t even have the guts to tell him, and now I had to explain it all to his friend.
“Where the hell do I start?” I asked, fiddling with my shoes.
“From the beginning,” he said, and that made me laugh.
That’s what they always said, but what was the beginning? Was it when Ruby died and I went into a state of depression? Or was it eighteen months after that, when my mum had finally decided that I needed to see someone? Maybe the start was the first time he had taken me on ‘a walk’, or maybe it was the time he had placed this baby inside of me.
“I don’t…” I muttered, really stumbling over my words.
“Tell me about the baby. How do you know it isn’t Jack’s?”
“Because I got pregnant before Jack and I had sex. It must be his,” I refused to say the name, “Because he was the only one I’d done it with when I got pregnant. There have been other guys in the past, but they were ages ago. It has to be his. The timing works out.”
“But you told Jack that he was the father?”
“No,” I said, firmly. “I told Jack I was pregnant and he just presumed it was his.” I thought about what I’d said for a minute, and then shook my head. “No, you’re right. I basically did say the baby was his. We were talking about how out-of-date his protection was, and I said it must have been faulty and that’s how I got pregnant. I didn’t say those words exactly, but I implied it. Either way, he thinks the baby is his.”
“Shit,” Tom whispered, echoing my thoughts.
“I’m a monster,” I cried, shivering and pulling Tom’s arm tighter across me. I needed him now. I just needed someone.
“You’re not a monster, Daisy. You didn’t want to hurt Jack, and I can understand that.”
“But he’ll find out,” I looked at Tom. “He will find out and he’s going to be so pissed that I didn’t
tell him in the first place. Then I’ll lose him anyway.”
“Jack’s a lot more understanding than you give him credit for,” he told me.
“I know, I guess I know that. The reason I took the drugs at Sam’s party was because I had just found out I was pregnant and I was going to tell Jack that night. I was going to tell him everything, but then we started making out and we were going to hook up and I just couldn’t do it. It felt so right to be with him, that I just couldn’t tell him, and then the overdose happened.”
“You were going to have sex with Jack while you were getting raped behind his back?”
“We did have sex, remember?” to which he grunted and nodded. “And yes, I feel horrible about it. Completely awful, and all I could think about was the therapist when we were doing it. About how he’d been in there before Jack. But it did feel good with Jack. So good.”
“I don’t need to know,” Tom laughed, and I suddenly felt a bit better.
The sun was beginning to dip in the sky, and the road was getting busier. It was rush hour and people were staring as they went past in their cars, silently observing us.
“I love Jack,” I muttered, catching Tom off guard.
“He loves you too,” he told me, not sure what else to say.
I shook my head and looked at him. “Sorry, I was talking to myself.”
“Tell me the rest, Daisy,” he pressed, and I realised he wasn’t giving up. “Tell me about how this all started, why you blame yourself, why you can’t go to the police. Please.”
I nodded, bracing myself for the story. This had to be done. I needed to get this out to someone, or it was going to drive me mad.
“It all started a few weeks ago. A few days before the party, actually. Wait, no, let me go back further. Last December, just before Christmas, my mum decided I needed to see someone because I was torturing myself over losing Ruby. I’m sure Jack has told you the story. I felt I was to blame, so I started hurting myself. I have a few scars on my arms, but they’re not that noticeable to be honest. I showed them to Jack once, after he’d found out about Ruby, but he just kissed them and said he was there for me.”