I let out a heavy breath. “You really want to hear about my family?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I do. You’ve never talked about them once in six years.”
“That’s because they’re not worth mentioning,” I muttered.
“I don’t think that’s it.”
I snorted, “Because you know everything.”
“No,” his hand reached out and swept a few strands of hair back from my face, his warm fingers brushing my cheek in the process. “But I know you.” He drew his hand back, and instantly I missed the contact.
Stop it. That’s counterproductive.
It didn’t stop me from rolling completely onto my side so that we were facing each other.
“Good or bad, they’re your family, and in a lot of ways our families shape us.”
A dry laugh escaped me. “I suppose you’re right.”
Silence fell and hung between us. I think he was giving me time to figure out what I wanted to tell him, letting me know he was there but wouldn’t push.
“You know me. You know I’m loud, I have an opinion about pretty much everything, and I speak my mind. I swear too much and I’m … I’m just me. None of it fit with the image my parents had of what they wanted their daughters to be. Whereas my sister fell in line and was everything they ever could have hoped for, I … was … not. I was the opposite of ladylike and obedient, and no matter how hard I tried to fit the mold, it was obvious I was never going to be like my sister, or my brother for that matter. I felt my parents’ disappointment every single day because of that fact. They had two perfect children and … me. When trying to please them didn’t work, I went for the alternative, which was to say I was rebellious and difficult and got their attention that way.”
“I’m sorry. That had to have been rough. No parent should make their kid feel like they have to earn their approval or love. I wasn’t the easiest kid, I gave my parents a lot of hell, and it’s safe to say their dream for me wasn’t to grow up and open a strip club, but they’ve always been there for me and my brother. Always supported us.”
A pang of jealousy went through me. That’s all I’d wanted. “And you’re close with your brother, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, we’re pretty tight. Not so much when we were younger. He was the annoying little brother, ya know? But now, he’s not so bad.” I could hear the brotherly affection, and I envied that too. My brother used to be the only person who at least tried to understand me when no one else did, but I didn’t even have him anymore. I’d mucked that up like everything else.
“It’s cool that you guys can be friends too, not just brothers. I think things might not have been so bad in my house if I’d had that, but there was too much animosity between my sister and me. My brother was alright, but he was a boy and a couple of years older and trying so hard to be the good and dutiful son. Always being compared to them made it hard for me to do anything but resent them. God, I resented both of them so much because they had what I wanted. My parents were always so proud of them.”
“That’s your parents’ fault. Not yours. All of it. Their loss too for not taking the time to get to know their daughter, and for not seeing how damn amazing she is.”
Damn it. And damn him. Why did he have to say the one thing I needed to hear? And not just because he knew I needed to hear it, but because he meant it. Sincerity was etched in every line of his face and had me thinking about the inches between our faces, between our lips, and how easy it would be to close that gap. Just a subtle shift would do it, and with it I would kiss this friendship goodbye. Best friend or not, amazing or not, I just wasn’t the girl a guy like him fell in love with. God, how that hurt.
“I am pretty damn amazing, aren’t I?” I forced a laugh and hoped he couldn’t hear how strained it was.
I saw his chest move and felt his chuckle reverberate through the mattress, more than I heard it. “Yeah, you are. I know it, and you know it, which makes me wonder why you’re still so worried about going home and what those people think of you.”
“I guess it’s just the reminders of everything. I thought I left that all behind, and now I’m going back and I feel like I did back then, almost like I’m suffocating. I don’t know how I’m going to face being back there,” I admitted.
“You’re not going alone. And you’re not going to take any shit this time around. You’re not going to let them make you feel like less than you are.” That’s right. I was going back with him and he was going to pretend to be my boyfriend. For an entire two days, I would know what it was like
Was that fluttering in my stomach butterflies? I guess my transformation into a real girl was complete. But then thoughts of my past smothered them. It would only ever be pretend. My choices had ensured that.
“Luke,” I breathed softly. “I made a lot of mistakes back then. I did some things I’m really not proud of, things I can’t ever take back.”
“It doesn’t change who you are now, Ci. Whatever happened back then, whatever you did, you were a kid in a bad place, and it sounds like you’ve held onto it long enough.”
“Maybe,” I muttered after a minute, but he didn’t know. He didn’t know what it was I was holding onto, or how hard I’d tried to let go of it, and how impossible that felt most days.
“Get some sleep Ci,” he murmured. “And remember I’m here any time you want to talk.”
“Thank you, Luke. For always being there when I need you.”
“BFFs forever.” He gave my hip a little push, his hand resting there a moment, and then rolled over onto his back, taking his hand with him.
“You do realize the second ‘f’ means forever? So, you just said, ‘best friends forever forever.’”
“I know that. Two forevers. That’s how serious I am about it.”
“Whatever,” I laughed even as the warmth returned to my belly. Forever forever. I hoped so. I rolled onto my back as well so that we were shoulder to shoulder. Our whispers cut off and the room fell quiet again, but after a few minutes I found myself needing to say something else.
“I wish I’d had a friend like you back then. Then maybe things wouldn’t have ended up so fucked up for me.”
“Hey, your life isn’t fucked up. Whatever happened then, I know that’s why you ended up across the country, and it’s the reason you walked into my club, and we’re friends now, so I think things turned out okay.”
“I know. Still, I wish I would have known you before,” I said softly to the ceiling. Or realized the depth of the choice I was making when I met him. If I could go back, I’d take the date. I wouldn’t let myself get so lost on a path I never should have wandered down.
I’d had one chance for something more with Luke, and I blew it. At that particular crossroad in my life, where I’d had to choose between being the girl who might have a boyfriend and the kind of girl who doesn’t, I’d chosen stripper. At the time, I’d thought I was making the right choice for myself. I’d thought I was freeing myself, but as usual, I’d been wrong.
“Me too,” came his nearly inaudible reply. “Except I was a little shit head back then, so it’s probably better that we didn’t know each other.”
“So then, not much has changed,” I teased nudging his shoulder with my own.
“Funny. Go to sleep,” he nudged me back and we stayed like that. He didn’t get up to move to his bed and I didn’t tell him to. I let my eyes fall shut and listened to his breathing until my own slowed and I slipped into sleep.
I woke once in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Luke was still there, passed out beside me. He’d turned to his side, one arm tucked under the pillow, and I wondered how I’d ever fall asleep without him beside me again. I wanted this every single night. I wanted to lay in bed and talk to him; about anything and everything. Real shit, hard shit, and even the trivial shit, just making each other laugh. I wanted to fall asleep and know that when I woke up it was going to be him in the bed next to me, not some nameless, meaningless stranger.
/> After going to the bathroom, I climbed back into the bed, trying not to disturb Luke as I shifted closer to him, snuggling into the blankets and pillows so that we were close enough I could feel the warmth coming off him like a space heater and the tickle of his breath on my cheek. Any closer and we would have been nose to nose.
Once, later during the night, I could have sworn I felt him envelop me in his strong arms and surround me completely in his warmth. A feeling of total contentedness seeped into me even in my dreams, but it might have been nothing more than a dream.
When morning did come and I started to wake, immediately my body sought out the same comfort and security I’d felt in my sleep, but it wasn’t there. My eyes opened and saw the space beside me empty.
A sigh of disappointment left me as I sat up and looked around the room. The heavy curtains pulled across the windows made it difficult to tell what time it was, but I could see that I was alone in the room, the other beds as empty as the spot beside me.
I searched for my phone and found it on the floor between the wall and the bed where I must have knocked it sometime during the night. I had to quit sleeping with it in the bed.
It was almost ten. There was a text from Shae letting me know she and Kellen were down in one of the ballrooms setting up for the signing. No other messages. With a tired groan, I dropped the phone on the mattress and fell backwards onto the pillows.
I was still lying there fifteen minutes later, trying to convince myself to get up and get dressed, when the door opened, filling the room with light. Luke and Meg stepped in, bringing with them the smell of warm, caffeinated beverages which drew another groan from me as I inhaled.
“You’re awake.” Luke sauntered over, lifting that glorious Starbucks cup to his lips before dropping his ass to the edge of my bed. I forced myself to sit up.
“Tell me you brought that for me and you’re just checking to make sure they put the right amount of vanilla and hazelnut in it.”
His eyes crinkled with a smile. “What are you going to do for me if I hand over my coffee?”
“Well, for starters, if you hand it over, I won’t have to murder you for it.”
Meg dropped into the only chair in the room and swiveled it away from the desk to face us. “You sound like me,” she laughed. “I have to have my coffee in the morning or I’m unbearable.”
You mean even more so?
Luke stretched the cup out to me and I pounced, not hesitating to snatch it out of his grasp and curl my fingers around the precious twenty-ounce cup.
“I’m only handing it over because I know you really would stab me for it, and I just have to say, it hurts that you would place coffee above our friendship.”
I shrugged unapologetically and tipped it to my lips, humming in delight as the hot, slightly sweetened brew trickled down my throat.
“Mmmmm, triple shot with a pump of vanilla and half pump of hazelnut.” It really was my drink. I eyed Luke curiously because I knew he typically took his coffee black or with a little cream. He didn’t usually drink hot coffees with anything sweet.
This time he was the one that shrugged. “I figured I may as well be prepared for this to happen.”
I smiled that he’d ordered my favorite coffee on purpose. “It’s very much appreciated.” I took another sip. “So, what’s the plan for the day?”
“Kellen and Shae are doing her thing. It goes until four, then later she said something about an after party. I figure we can do our own thing until close to four, then meet up with those two. My first order of business is getting another coffee since you confiscated mine.”
I didn’t feel the least bit bad as I drank down the heavenly brew that restored life. Or at least vitality. “You should have ordered a second one.”
“I wasn’t sure if you’d be awake.”
“You should know by now that even if I wasn’t, the smell of coffee would have done it.” I did offer to buy his next one though, so maybe I felt a little bad, but he shrugged it off.
“I was thinking it might be fun to go to zoo,” Meg suggested. “The one in St. Louis is supposed to be one of the best in the country.” My eyes met Luke’s very briefly, long enough for me see that we were on the same page, and he didn’t like that idea any more than I did, so I was surprised when he hitched a bright smile on his face. “The zoo sounds fun.”
Come on. Of all the things to do in St. Louis, the zoo?
It took everything I had not to groan aloud.
“Great. I’ll look up hours and tickets and all that.” Meg immediately dragged her phone out of her pocket and while she did I shot a glare at Luke and mouthed “What the hell!”
He at least had the decency to look apologetic. I was on the verge of bowing out again and leaving them to their bright, sunshiny day at the zoo while I envisioned strolling through the streets of St. Louis, shopping, sightseeing, and maybe taking a tour of the handful of brewpubs scattered throughout this fair city.
Then Meg opened her mouth again. “Admission is free, you just have to pay for shows and attractions inside. They’re open nine to five. You’ll come too, Ci?” It irked me that she called me Ci instead of Celia, like we were buddies now. We were, in fact, not.
In my head, I heard myself telling her no thanks, they should go and enjoy the lions, tigers, and bears, oh my! Without me. Yet, that’s not what came out of my mouth. Instead, I heard myself saying, “Sure, the zoo sounds fun.” What? No, it does not. I was not a zoo person. Sure, animals can be cute and fascinating, but I didn’t want to spend all day walking around looking at them shut up inside cages, but it was too late for me to take it back.
“Great,” Luke stood. “We’ll let you get ready. Meet us downstairs and we’ll grab some breakfast before we go.”
It was almost ten minutes after they left the room that I quit staring at the ceiling, wondering how I could back out, before I finally dragged myself from the bed into the shower, resigned to our plans.
The zoo with Meg and Luke.
What fun would exploring the city be by myself, anyway? My agreeing had nothing to do with not wanting the two of them alone together all day.
Riiiiiiight. Keep telling yourself that.
Eighteen
Cici
Present
Road Trip to Hell Day 4
The zoo wasn’t the total bore I’d thought it would be. I might have even enjoyed it a little bit. Or at least I would have if I hadn’t spent all day secretly hoping one of the tigers or bears would get loose and eat Meg. I know, I know, I’m a total bitch for imagining it when she’d been nothing but nice all day. A little too nice to Luke, smiling at him with that extra twinkle in her toffee colored eyes. And what the hell was up with her whole doesn’t swear, wholesome, super sweet thing? Who doesn’t swear? At all? Like ever?
I was in favor of driving non-stop, straight through to Colorado tomorrow and skipping everything between here and there just to get rid of her.
Somehow, I made it through the day without being entirely hostile toward Meg, earning myself only a few sharp looks from Luke when a snide comment of mine went right over her head. And didn’t that just make me feel like an ass, because only a real shitty person would be mean to a girl that hadn’t done anything to earn it.
After a while, I just kept my mouth shut and mostly wandered off by myself until we all ended up in the gift shop before leaving. I wanted to rip the head off the stupid stuffed monkey he bought her because, “sigh, monkeys are just so cute and adorable and they’re my favorite.”
Me, I was a cat girl. Not the little, furry house pets. I was talking big, ferocious, graceful, and deadly. Lions, tigers, leopards, cheetahs, and the beautifully powerful and sleek jaguar.
They’d eat monkeys for lunch. And probably annoying girls named Meg as well.
In the gift shop Luke offered to get me my very own stuffed jaguar, but letting him would have made me feel somehow like I was competing with Meg. As petty as I was feeling toward her, I wasn’t going
there. Besides, I wasn’t really a stuffed animal kind of girl. The jaguar went back on the shelf and we made it back to the hotel as the signing was wrapping up.
The event was bigger than I’d expected. This morning when we’d checked in on her before leaving, I’d been surprised by the size of it. There must have been fifty or more tables filling the room, all with different authors.
I slid onto Shae’s lap when we reached her table, wrapping my arms around her neck. “Did you sell a hundred books? Tell me you’re filthy rich now and want to be my sugar mama.”
“Not quite a hundred, but it was a good day.”
“I can see that, J.K.” The stacks of books on her table were considerably smaller than when we’d checked in on her this morning.
“I’m hardly J.K., but I did alright. Met some of my readers and hopefully got a bunch of new ones. I won’t be your sugar mama, but I can certainly buy a round of drinks tonight if you guys are coming to the after party. You’re all welcome to. This thing wraps up in about twenty minutes. After party is at six in the hotel casino.”
“Who am I to turn down a free drink and some gambling? Count me in.” I slid off her lap and started playing with the swag left on her table, sniffing lip balms and fiddling with key chains and girly pens.
“Thank you for the invite, but I was thinking I might take my guitar down by the stadium when the Cardinals game ends. It would be fun to do a little busking while I’m here,” Meg said.
Luke frowned. “By yourself?”
She gave him a humoring smile. “I handled Nashville by myself for a whole week. I think I can manage a couple hours out in St. Louis on my own.”
Yeah, she was a big girl. Let her go.
Luke, ever the chivalrous gentleman though, insisted on going with her.
I dropped the key chain I was fingering. “I think I’m going to wander, maybe find something good to read on this trip.”
“You don’t even like to read,” Luke pointed out.
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