She stopped again remembering more.
"Then, he went off for about 6 weeks, we'd been writing on and off. I'd contemplated breaking it off with him but I just couldn't."
"Why did you wanna break it off momma?"
Gert got quiet again thinking maybe she was telling too much, but couldn't stop now. "I'd met somebody else."
"Who momma?"
Again she grew quiet. "Its not that I'd just met him, I'd always been aware of him, but... at first... I couldn't bring myself to go in that direction that early in the game."
"Who is he momma?"
"I was confused Shanna... so confused. I was living too fast, too soon. I was into too much, seeing too much and .... " She grew quiet again a look of longing and sorrow crossed her face, and her eyes welled up. Shanna didn't ask who again, she just quietly waited, as her mother finally spoke, it was out of order, but she could make sense of it.
"He asked me to marry him, your daddy...when he got home. I - I was feeling guilty and ..."
"About what momma?"
"Things... something I'd done even though I was... his girl." Gert took a deep long breath, a slow resolved one and after a moment went on, "Seeing him so humble ... and me with so many emotions and fears, I said yes. We parked at the top of this bluff in South Carolina, that's where we use to live before your dad and I left the south. There that evening is where I must have conceived Shawn. I didn't know it at the time, that that was when he was conceived. I faked it - pretended that I was ... a virgin."
"Momma... you... before my father... had gone with someone else?"
"Yep... in fact, it happened just a few days before your daddy returned home. Anyway, he had to go back in for whatever training came next and while he was gone, I was right back into everything again. I was in trouble all the time, blasting racist if I knew someone to be one, getting into scraps with somebody about Negro rights, and the signs on the doors and shops... 'White Only'." Gert shook her head. "One time me and my friends went out at night, and painted over many of them and wrote, 'Assholes Only.'" Her eyes welled up and she covered her mouth trying not to let it upset her again as it had done back then, "Next day... we heard that a group of Negro teens got arrested for defacing property, two of them beat up ... real bad." She got quiet and looked up at Shanna, her tears pooled and spilled over. "That was a horrible time Shanna. A horrible... horrible set of days. Anyway... it frightened me so, that I snuck out and ... met with him again." Gert remembered back to it, she shook her head.
"Met who momma?"
"I was confused Shanna and I didn't know... which way I wanted to go."
"Who momma?" Shanna persisted.
"I wasn't sure you see, if I loved your daddy... or Edwin Piercey."
"Edwin Piercey?" Shanna looked up, adding a bow to one of the gifts that was finished being wrapped.
Gert took a long breath and looked her daughter in the eyes and said, "Don't ever ever mention that name in front of your daddy... understand me? I shouldn't have even told you. Don't know why I did."
"I won't momma, who was he?" Shanna's curiosity was high.
"Go first and see where your daddy and Jake is." Gert directed Shanna.
While Shanna went and checked, Gert thought back to Edwin... how she had hoped and prayed back then, that he had been Shawn's father... but... by the luck of the draw... he hadn't been, she hadn't known who Shawn's daddy was for the longest. Bart... or Edwin Piercey. Who knows what her life would have been like if things had ended differently. Shanna returned a few moments later. "They're in the barn working on Jake's truck momma...I said you sent me out to see if they wanted something to drink. They're fine, busy."
"Come on lets leave this off 'til later, I need to be sitting on the porch watching for your daddy while I talk about this, I can't have him sneaking up and hearing me."
They both exited the house, after putting on sweaters, although spring had sprung the nights were still chilly. They sat on the front porch swing together, keeping their eyes on the 80 X 80 vehicle barn, and with their feet, started the swing to going. Shanna remained quiet, willing to wait for her mother to tell what she would.
"Where do I begin?" She murmured in soft tones, making sure her voice didn't carry beyond Shanna. "I was such an irresponsible young girl. My mind and thoughts off into things it ought not be. In a hurry to grow up and be apart of this messed up, mixed up adult world I found myself in. I lived a double life. The one during daytime - daughter of Harriett and Frank Prescott. Debutante, southern bell and desired by most. Then there was the me of the night. Who snuck out a little past midnight, to rendezvous with my girlfriends, as we met with boys we shouldn't have even been talking to. Negro boys."
"Ach... momma...was... Edwin Piercey black?"
"Yes he was... and my heart was torn between him and your daddy. He was light skinned, high yella - as it was called, and oh so handsome. He stood ohhh, no more than maybe 5'9, but he was athletic, smart, energetic, with dreams that I wanted so much to be apart of. And could sing... oh my lord his voice Shanna, his voice, mesmerizing. It had that Sam Cooke quality about it, and he use to sing to me all the time." She stopped, looking towards the 80 X 80, "It was so innocent and sweet at first. Planning on how we was all gone rally forward behind King, and we would be the start of changing how the world saw - black and white. Things started to heat up between us, and he heard about your daddy. That I was seeing him. He was so put out, upset with me. Wanted to know why I was still meeting with him, since I had my army white man. I can't explain it Shanna, he tried to get me to stop coming to meet him but I couldn't. I did the most daring thing ever, and showed up at one of their secret night meetings."
"Whose meetings?"
"The Negroes at that time in Greenville, had a little meeting place where-..."
"Where is that momma?"
"South Carolina... - they would meet and make plans for gathering as many blacks together as they could to show themselves in numbers to say basically... its our turn. I showed up at one of those meetings because... well, he wasn't where we always met."
"How did you know where they met?"
"One night when I was supposed to be going into the house, I didn't... I followed him, them... and ummm... that's how I discovered their meeting place. Oh you could have heard a pin drop on the sand when I opened that door and stepped inside. I scared them so bad, that when he saw me, he leapt up and rushed to the door, grabbing my arm and took me outside, asking me what I was doing there."
"You was suppose to meet me." She remembered saying.
"I told you I wasn't gonna be meeting with you no more... any body else know about this place?" He had asked panicked.
Gert shook her head saying, "No... of course not - I would never tell anyone where this place is... you know me... please Ed, I come all this way by myself in the night, through the woods to find you... don't send me away." She pleaded with him.
"I swear before God... if you don't get me killed, you gone get yourself killed. Stay right here... I ain't got no choice, I'm gone have to walk you home."
"And he did... and I - basically, pleaded with him to make love to me, to be the one my first time."
Shanna sat stunned staring at her mother's profile, Gert glanced sideways at her, then shrugged. "I did... I admit it."
"And... did he?"
"You damn right he did... he wanted me. He was in love with me and I was in love with him. It was a desperate kind of loving that you know... may be the last time, filled with the kind of passion, only two people feel that knows... what they are doing is forbidden. Even though we tried not to, it happened two more times, even after I'd given myself to Bart." Gert laughed at herself. "What a brazen hussy I was. I couldn't make up my mind you see... because, truth is... I wanted them both. I knew I couldn't have them both, so... I'd made up my mind that I would break it off with Bart. He'd already gone back once again, and I wrote one letter after another trying to figure out the best way to say it... to break it off
. I never could. Then... I started feeling different. Didn't known why. But Bart was gone, and ... Edwin... he just... he just up and... didn't show up anymore. I went back night after night after night... oh I would say for at least two weeks. He never showed himself to me again. He went - missing."
Shanna stared at her. "What are you saying momma?"
Gert had her face covered, using her thumb and fingers to wipe at her eyes, "They killed him... somebody did. I know they did! I know they - did... the fucking white bastards!"
"Maybe he just up and left momma, maybe he could see that the only way to get away from you and not give in to temptation was to just run off."
"Noooo... he wasn't like that. He would have told me. Besides, we had plans you see, to run off together... no... someone found out. I try not to even think about it. It shakes me so bad. Anyway... more weeks went by, my body was changing, and there I was... just barely sixteen and with child. With not a clue as to who the father was."
They sat quiet a moment more, both reflecting and thinking.
"Sooo, I finally got that letter written to Bart. Instead of breaking it off, I told him I was with child. I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't about to raise a child on my own. It was a good thing I was done with school, because I just stayed around the house with Ruthie. She would shake her head and saying, "I knew it was gone happen. Lettin' you run off and into things that way, they got nobody to blame but theyself! He off in the army in some God forsaken country, - it is his ain't it?" She stopped and asked, and I of course said, "Of course it is!" She cut me a knowing look saying, "Emm hm - if you say so." As if she knew something. I could lie to her and my parents... and Bart - but - I didn't know."
"So how do you know momma... that Shawn is ... daddy's son?"
"You know what Shanna... I prayed every day and night that he wasn't. I wanted him to be Edwin's so bad, that when he was born, I searched him all over for some little sign that he might be Edwin's. But he looked so much like me, when I was a babe, there was no way of telling, especially with Edwin being light skinned, plus he had really curly hair, not the kinky curly, but very similar to DJ's hair type, where they can still wear an afro but it will lie down if they force it to. I didn't know for years to be honest. Your daddy and I finally married when Shawn was about 14 or so months old-..."
"I didn't know that! I thought you married while you were pregnant!"
"Nooo... there had been no time to. He was sent into Vietnam, and I ... after Shawn was born, took off leaving him with Ruthie to get back into the marches, and still hoping upon hope that I'd find Edwin before Bart returned from Nam. You know what, if I had found Edwin, I was willing to tell him that Shawn was his even when I didn't know for sure... but I wanted it so bad, I was willing to do it. Of course, I never found him. He was never seen or heard from again. Then Ruthie put her foot down with me, and I had to stay at home and be a proper mother to Shawn."
"Then daddy came home from Vietnam?"
"Yes... he was one of the lucky ones, after a year in Vietnam, he was shot in the side, rump and leg; they sent him home. Because he was a preacher's son, and a loner for most of the time, he didn't know about all of my shenanigans. I was so lonely that I clung to him. I finally took Shawn to the hospital to meet the man that would be his father, whether he was his father or not. Shawn didn't know him of course and didn't want a thing to do with him. Bart seemed to be okay about him, proud maybe,"He looks just like you Gert, but I don't know about them pretty looks. I may need to toughen him up a bit, else he won't be worth his weight in salt." You know, I was so riveted by the realization that I was actually going to have to marry Bart and be his wife, that I never paid his words any attention."
"Oh my goodness momma, I can't believe what you're telling me. I never ever figured that it was that way with you and daddy. I always thought you two were in love with each other from the very start."
"Oh he loved me, thought the world of me... would have done anything for me. Because I knew that, I married him. After all, he was a good looking man, very proud, never asked anyone for anything... would not. In fact, after he got out of the hospital and we married, my father offered him the chance to start up his own business, and Bart turned him down. Said he would do for his family himself. My father didn't think I was up for the challenge and gave me over two hundred thousand dollars of my own. Bart refused to let me use it, and believe me Shanna, there were times when we needed that money. But he would not let me touch it, no matter what we were going through, if I even mentioned it, he would tell me if I couldn't take it being a wife to him, then to leave. I couldn't leave, I was pregnant with Derrick by that time, and simply put... I wasn't a quitter. Annnd, I was starting to fall for him all over again. I don't know... something was happening to him. He was changing a bit... he was all of a sudden, more harsh. Never hit me mind you... he never would, but - there were times that his experience in Vietnam made him act strange. Sometimes I'd catch him staring off into space, or staring at Shawn a certain way... that made me uncomfortable. I would scoop him up and take him off to bed."
"You think he knew momma? About Edwin?"
"Sometimes, I wondered about that. Ummm, he once found a tablet of mine and I'd absentmindedly scribbled Edwin's name on it, had drawn a heart around his name with an arrow shot through. He brought it to me and asked who is that? "You draw that?" My heart must have skipped a beat, and of course I lied, told him Elaine had been over, scribbling on the tablet. Next thing I know, a week later, he says we're leaving South Carolina. That we were moving further North, there was land in Wisconsin going for dirt cheap... and now was the time to go for it and here we are."
"Wow... but... momma... you still haven't told me how you know Shawn is daddy's?"
"Your daddy, has a birth mark, underneath his right arm, shaped like the state of Texas, red/brown in color; right along his side. When Shawn was about eight years old and was getting ready for school, I walked into the boys room, having to iron their shirts and saw Shawn pulling his T-shirt on, and my eye caught a mark on him I thought was a scar. I asked him, what is that? He lifted his arm further showing it to me as he looked down at it himself. I looked closer and realized that is was a birth mark. When he was a baby, it was just a little dot, but as he had grown, it too grew. By the time he was sixteen, it was the exact same shape, color and in the exact same place as your fathers. That nailed it shut. I knew beyond a doubt by then, that he had always been Bart's son. There had been other indications that they were same blood, but for the longest I'd held on to that silly hope... that he was Edwin's."
"So have you ever loved my father?" Shanna asked.
"Oh yes ... it took me a while. I had to grow up first you see, but I finally did and when I did, I knew that I loved that man. He deserved nothing less. He's gone through some things Shanna, over the years... from the war, there were times when... I had to watch him carefully with Shawn. He was sometimes... too rough. Too harsh... and ... unyielding with him. I tried not to intercede too much, but ... he would go, too far with him. I'd try to reason with him and say to him, Bart he's just a boy... you put too much on him, you expect too much from him; give him a break sometimes. Sometimes he did, and he would take Shawn fishing to make up for something or the other. You see, your daddy once told me about this one young boy Vietnamese that he always admired. He was very young, maybe thirteen or fourteen, and this young boy - against all the odds, stood up, fought and protected his mother and sisters against your fathers infantry unit. They were trying to take his sisters and mother to have sex with them, but he fought for them tooth and nail until your daddy stood up for him because he could see the child's desperation to protect them. He said that he was tough, determined and willing to die to protect them. He never forgot him. Unfortunately, while your daddy was on a guard station, they'd rushed him, killed him - raped his sisters and mother as well. When your father came back and found out what had happened, it snapped something in him. He was in that dirty ugly war for 5 more mo
nths after that. Combined with his own beliefs by his father, your dad for some reason, tried to make Shawn into that young boy. I can't explain it. All I know is... being the oldest, was hell for him. I tried to protect him many times... from his father." Gert shook her head.
"Oooh momma... I never knew... I've never seen this side of daddy."
"Oh course you wouldn't have. Your daddy was always gentle with women, with girls. Shawn however, got your daddy when he was at his worst, and he was the oldest. Derrick took quite a bit too as well, however, by the time Jake came along... Bart seemed to run out of steam. So much so, that he went from giving Shawn too much attention, to giving Jake, hardly any at all. Jake never saw all the hurtful things your dad did to Shawn, least I don't think so, I'm thinking all he ever saw was the things he did to make up for it. There I was, stuck in the middle, I always had to comfort Shawn more, coddle him a bit more, because he was going through so much more. Yet, to Kathy Ann and Jake, he was the favorite. It wasn't that Shanna, it was just that your daddy made his young life a living hell. I had to be there for him. Heaped upon him were all the things that were wrong with us both at first, without us meaning to do it."
"Aaaah I see... but why was Jake being ignored?"
"You know what Shanna... I don't think your daddy knew what to do with him? He'd never had any brothers being the only son. He had his mother and two sisters. So - sometimes I think, he was good for only one son, or two... in the case of Derrick, but I don't know if he knew how to include another one. So sometimes, he would shoo Jake off to be with me and you girls; Jake resented that. He couldn't lash out at your father, but Shawn... he could lash out at. But he couldn't beat Shawn, so he did other things to hurt him."
BOMAW 1-3 Page 63