by Mark Speed
“Now I understand what you meant when you said that things had been better, Peter,” said When, wiping his plate clean with the last of the bread his cousin had baked from frozen. “I can see that the situation is in fact extremely difficult. You were making one of your characteristic understatements. If it were at all possible, I would say that you had become even more quintessentially British in the last fifty years. Now that I think about it, I can see why that would be.”
“Doing the work of six Time Keepers has been somewhat… stressful.” How gave his cousin a meaningful look.
“We were a team, Peter,” said When in his usual expressionless manner. “Without that structure I wasn’t quite sure what my role was. So I believed I had little choice but to pursue my own thing. Things.”
“Like, what was that?” asked Kevin. He was beginning to understand the extent to which the Doctor had been left on the hook by his brother and his cousins’ behaviour.
“Working as a postman helped to maintain my personal standards. The early rise, strict working practices and outdoor lifestyle were also very beneficial. Character-forming, you might say – to say nothing of the physical health benefits.”
“I’d say they were more character-reinforcing,” said How.
“I realise your perception of me is that I am not a particularly flexible individual in terms of my approach or working practices, Peter.” The Doctor snorted. When continued, apparently unaware of his cousin’s feelings. “That’s just the way I am, and the way others have to accept me. But you do know that if you ask me to do something I will do it to the best of my ability.”
“Thanks for the reassurance. What did you do with all your free time?”
“I continued to study the Time Keeper tradition. You know I’m a stickler. And I continued with my horological studies.”
“Horo-what?” asked Kevin. “Like horoscopes?”
“Horological,” said How. “The study of timekeeping apparatus.”
“Like, clocks and watches an’ stuff?”
“Yes,” said both of the Time Keepers simultaneously.
“Well, I’m sure that’ll come in handy,” said Kevin. “Like if my watch battery needs replacing when we’re trapped in a corner and facing down some Daleks or something.” He stretched and checked his watch – it was nearly eleven o’clock. It had been one of the longest days of his life but he still felt strangely alert on some level. “If it’s okay with you guys, I’m going to go and play some computer games. I need to keep my reflexes in peak condition. You get me?”
“Terrific,” said Doctor How. “And what game will you be playing?”
“It’s an alien shoot-’em-up called Rorrim. It’s not even out yet – I’ve been selected to be a beta-tester. Great graphics. It’s, like, really realistic.”
“I was going to ask you how a human would know anything about whether a combat game involving aliens was realistic or not. But you’ve just survived something similar.”
Kevin chuckled. “Yeah, maybe when all this is over I can release a video game?”
“By the time this is over you might be dead. Or you might take it more seriously. I’ve left out a Sliver for you. You need to start learning Squill.”
“A Sliver?”
“I suppose I could describe it as a more advanced version of a tablet computer. But that’s like –”
“Don’t tell me,” said Kevin. “It’s like comparing a book with an Apple iPad.”
“No,” said the Doctor. “More like chalk and a slate with an iPad. But you’re on the right track.”
“Can I, like, learn a bit of quantum physics too?”
“It’s all loaded on there for you. All in lessons tailored specifically for your brain. You could get right up to that Ph.D. in Astrophysics if you put the effort in. The system says you’re perfectly capable if you put your mind to it.”
“Cheers, Doc. Listen, Walter, nice talking with you tonight, yeah? You staying here?”
“Nice to meet you too, Kevin. I think under the circumstances there is safety in numbers so I shall stay here. As I alluded to before: once my mind is made up on something then that’s my position. Peter, if it’s okay with you I shall bring my Spectrel into the basement and sleep in there.”
“You’re lucky to have a Spectrel to sleep in,” said How.
“You’re most welcome to sleep in mine. Kevin and Trinity too, if safety is a concern.”
“That’s most kind, Walter. It might be a good idea if I were to sleep in David’s Spectrel, but first you must do me – all of us, I think – a favour before you bring yours in for the evening.” The Doctor walked past Kevin, out of the kitchen and towards the front door.
“Certainly, Peter,” said When, following. Kevin tagged behind.
Doctor How opened the front door. It was quite cool now, and dark, with just the yellow glow of the streetlights. He pointed at Where’s Spectrel, which was still looking rather unkempt. “If you were to bring your Spectrel within touching distance…?”
“Oh. Oh, P-P-Peter,” said When, shifting his feet on the gravel. He nudged his glasses a couple of times.
“She had a couple of boosts from my Spectrel. Another boost and she should be on good form, and able to heal herself fully.”
When made a series of sharp huffs and shifted his feet some more. “I know I used the word ‘certainly’ in reference to the general idea of a favour, but I wasn’t aware that it would involve this particular… operation, Peter.” He nudged his spectacles. “It is, in fact, the very same operation that incapacitated cousin Where, as you disclosed this evening.”
“Walter,” said How firmly. “You are not Where. He smoked, he drank, he put on weight and didn’t exercise. And he abused his Spectrel.”
“It’s the pain, Peter. I have quite a low tolerance for that sort of thing.”
“That Spectrel,” said How, “saved my life, and those of Trinity and Kevin, earlier today. Who knows what you’d be facing now if she hadn’t managed it?”
“Yes, I know. But…”
“For photon’s sake,” said How. “Just bring your Spectrel over here, then. I’ll do it myself.”
“Sorry, Peter,” said Where. “You have a much stronger constitution than me.” He walked briskly over to his own Spectrel, opened the door and squeezed inside. Kevin noted that there was an art to it – one foot into the post box, duck the head, grip the inside, squeeze the shoulders and pull inside.
“That sucks, Doc.”
“Mmm?” said the Doctor.
“Well, like, what’s his problem? It’s just pain, innit?”
“Well, not really, Kevin. It’s more than just pain as you would understand it, and I can’t say I blame him.”
“Like, what’s more than pain? How can there be something more than pain?”
“A few days ago there were only three dimensions and unidirectional time as far as you were concerned. Your universe consisted of forwards-backwards, left-right, up-down, and only forwards in time. Of course there’s something more than just pain. Just like there’s much less of something like pain to a protozoan.”
“Wow. I mean… what?”
“A protozoan is a tiny organism,” said the Doctor irritably. “Don’t they teach you anything?”
“No, man. I know what a protozoan is. It’s like plankton and stuff – really basic life. I mean the pain.”
“It’s deep damage, Kevin. And doing it with a couple of Spectrels that aren’t even one’s own makes matters substantially worse. I’ll spare you the details, but it’s the sort of thing that brings forward the need to regenerate.”
Kevin thought for a moment. “You mean, kinda like ageing?”
Doctor How gave a faint smile, put a hand on Kevin’s shoulder and squeezed. “You’re a smart lad. You really should go for that Ph.D. And this episode tonight… please, don’t hold it against Walter. That’s an order.”
“Yes, Boss. Doc.”
When’s Spectrel appeared silently on the
gravel next to the front of Where’s. A couple of seconds later the door opened; When put out a foot, then a hand, and squeezed out.
“I’m sorry, Peter,” said When. “Really I am.”
“It’s alright,” said How, with a sigh. “Just give the necessary permission.”
“Of course.” When put the palm of his left hand over the keyhole of his post box and the badge on the bonnet of Where’s black cab and closed his eyes for a moment. He opened them again and said, “Whenever you’re ready, Peter.” The gravel crunched as he walked the few feet to stand beside Kevin. He didn’t make eye contact.
Doctor How strode over to the two Spectrels and turned to look at his comrades. He turned his back to them, placed his feet wide of his shoulders, reached out his left hand to the keyhole of the pillar box and placed his palm on it. His shoulders rose and fell as he took a couple of deep breaths. Kevin thought he saw a slight tremor on the Doctor’s hand as he reached out for the badge above the radiator grille.
Kevin felt When tense to his left. The Doctor rested his palm on the badge. Nothing happened, and Kevin relaxed. When let out his breath.
Doctor How let out a cry, which was strangled by whatever force coursed through his body. His body tensed and froze. The only noise emerging from the Doctor now was a hideous, strangled choking.
“Doctor!” said Kevin, stepping forward.
When pulled him back, and kept a grip on his upper arm. “N-n-no, Kevin. You must leave him. If you interrupt him it will only prolong the process and make it worse.”
Kevin glanced around at the neighbouring houses.
“This isn’t really happening,” explained When. “Not to those who are not immediately aware. Do you understand?”
“It’s, uh, the cloaking thing?”
“That’s right. Please, don’t worry about my cousin.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“I… he’s just so good at these things. The best of us in so many ways.”
“Like, I’m beginning to appreciate that.”
The Doctor let out a vast, sucking gasp – the gasp of a man who breaks the surface after almost drowning. He staggered backwards, gravel spraying from his feet.
Kevin shook off When’s grip and rushed forward to grab the Doctor from behind.
“Tha –” the Doctor panted. “Thanks, Kevin.”
“Are you okay, Doc?”
The Doctor pulled himself away from Kevin, still panting heavily. “Really, I’ll be fine,” he said, and forced an unconvincing grin.
Kevin shot a glance at When, who was still rooted to the spot.
“Thank you for the use of your Spectrel, Walter,” said How. “On behalf of our cousin. Where’s Spectrel is feeling much better in herself now.”
“I-I-I… I think it’s you we should all thank,” said When. “Please, I would be grateful if you would come and recuperate in my Spectrel. I’ll bring her in for the night if you want to make your way to the basement.” He made his way awkwardly to the post box and squeezed inside. The door shut behind him and the Spectrel disappeared.
The Doctor shook himself off. “That was certainly something.” He turned to Where’s Spectrel and put his palm back on the badge and closed his eyes for a second. “You’re welcome,” he said. “Glad I could help. Do come and join us if you feel like it.”
He walked towards the front door. “Come on, lad.” When they were inside the porch he closed the door and raised his hands. Kevin knew the routine, and followed his actions. Trinity was waiting in the hallway, still in her spider form. The Doctor stopped in front of her and she stared at him with her eight glowing green eyes. “Well? How am I doing, old girl?” He turned to Kevin. “Med-bots are all very well, but Trini’s known me for so long and there’s no substitute for affection.”
She closed the gap between her and the Doctor and climbed up him until her black fur-covered soccer ball-sized body was level with his navel, and her mandibles were inches from his face. She clasped all eight of her legs around his torso, squeezed herself against him and nuzzled her head into the side of his neck. Kevin wondered if the Doctor was the only living thing ever to survive her embrace. Only hours before, he’d even seen her crush a robot.
“Bit sentimental for a super-predator sometimes, aren’t you darling? I’ll be fine.” He planted a kiss on the side of her head. “Come on, Kevin. Let’s see if Walter’s here yet.”
They made their way down to the basement, with Trinity still hugging herself against the Doctor’s torso. When was just getting out of his post box when they got into the room. Trinity turned her head and fixed him with a look that Kevin wouldn’t have liked to have been on the receiving end of.
“G-g-good girl, T-T-Trinity,” said When.
There was a puff of displaced air, and Where’s black taxi Spectrel appeared, the rear of her black taxi shape in the far corner of the room.
“Dave’s Spectrel’s only half the size!” gasped Kevin. “What’s happened?”
“Shh. She’s fine,” said How. “She’s half the length, so about thirteen percent of the volume. Just leaving space for the rest of us. Remember that a Spectrel is only a projection of forces. She’s all there, but she’s not really there at all.” He went over and bent down to put his hand on the badge of the black cab. “Welcome back. Now we’re just missing Where. And my own Spectrel.”
“Dave’s Spectrel’s looking a lot better already,” said Kevin. “She’s looking a bit more polished, you know?”
“She’s taken a shine to you, Kevin. You’re invited to stay overnight in her with me and Trini.”
“Walter, are you...?”
“I shall be staying in my own Spectrel tonight, Kevin. I wish you all a pleasant sleep.” With that, When squeezed into his Spectrel and shut the door behind him.
The three of them entered Where’s Spectrel via the rear passenger door – the Doctor first and Trinity last. The interior looked fresher; as if it had been spring-cleaned. The stale odour of tobacco smoke and rubber had dissipated.
“Walter is like the opposite of Dave, man,” said Kevin. “I just can’t see what use he’s gonna be. He’s a complete turnip.”
Doctor How sighed. “I’m tired of telling you that you see only at a certain depth. Walter will come into his own in good time. Every flower has its own season.”
“Right. If we ever need to bore someone to death, Wally’s your man.”
“Leave it, Kevin. Get some sleep.”
“I dunno, Doc. I keep thinking about those aliens. I mean, they tried to kill us today.”
“And I’m sure they’re still planning to kill us even as we speak.”
“I don’t know how you can be so cool about it, man. So nonchalant. I mean, you have no Spectrel! For all you know it could have been destroyed.”
The Doctor laughed. “Oh, I’m sure she’s fine.”
“Like, how can you be so sure?”
“Remember the little piece of metal from the alien operation centre that you gave me?”
“Yeah.”
“What do you think happened to it?”
“You was going to get it analysed, wasn’t you?”
“Where would I do that?”
“Spectrel?”
“Exactly. I put it into my pocket. The shortcut still works, so I know she’s fine. At least on some level. Now, to bed with you. A house-bot will take you to a guest room.”
The Doctor’s mobile phone beeped. He took it out of his pocket, looked at the screen and frowned. He tapped at the screen and his frown deepened.
“Wassup?” asked Kevin, who was nearly finished his scrambled eggs on toast. He’d slept profoundly well in Where’s Spectrel, and wasn’t sure whether it was the aftermath of his first big battle the previous day, or the healing qualities he assumed that Spectrels possessed. Whatever the explanation, the result had been a voracious appetite.
“The Plenscas,” said the Doctor.
“Who?”
“They were the tenants
whose system gave me a false alarm when you were being used as a proxy in the attempt to hack my Spectrel. That was last Sunday, when this whole mess began.”
“What… are they like aliens, or something?”
“They’re not ‘like’ aliens at all. They are exactly what you would describe as aliens, yes. I would rather you referred to them euphemistically as ‘out-of-towners’. A nice couple. She’s the Rindan consul here. They rent an apartment from me in Balham.”
“Sheesh, like you didn’t tell me you was into the whole buy-to-let scam, Doc. Just an opinion, but I think it’s skewed the whole London market, right? Stops young people from getting on the housing ladder. It’s one of the major economic injustices of our times.”
“Oh, I think you’re right: the economics of it are monstrous.”
“So you’re a hypocrite then, ain’t ya?”
“Not at all. I’ve been in this ‘scam’, as you put it, for a couple of thousand years and I’d prefer to call it ‘land banking’. Unlike your modern short-term money-grabbers I’ve conducted a careful strategy to help make London what it is today. And, quite honestly, there’s no one else but a Time Keeper who could be trusted with the letting arrangements for the intergalactic elite for their tours of duty on Earth.”
“Like, you have got to be kidding me this time.”
“I assure you, my cousin is not pulling your leg, Kevin,” said When, entering the kitchen. Trinity, sitting on the floor in her feline form, regarded him coolly. “Good morning. I hope you both slept well in cousin Where’s Spectrel. Did I hear you say that the Rindan consul was causing you concern, Peter?” Kevin noticed When’s lack of a stutter, putting it down to familiarity.
“They had a fake alarm last Sunday. Then when I got there I discovered they were growing polyps for Rindan holy week.”
“In direct contravention of the laws concerning the importation of non-native species,” said When. “May I ask what action you took?”