The yard stank of stale beer and piss. It was hideous, and perfectly reflected her situation.
‘Dani.’ Xane was weeping, whereas there were no tears left inside her. ‘We’ll make it work. I’ll make it right.’
‘How can you make it right? This isn’t right.’ This was animal. Insane.
‘I’ll make him go away.’
Her hair gently grazed her shoulders as she shook her head, uncertain that would be anything more than a temporary fix. ‘If it’s not him, it’ll be some other man. I know it in here.’ She thumped her chest. ‘As you know it in here.’ She pressed her hand over his heart, covering the tattoo of their names entwined. ‘A three-way relationship like the one your cousin Ric has is what you actually want.’
‘I’d never ask that of you. Never. I’ll do whatever you want. Don’t end us, Dani.’
She stroked a stray lock of hair back off his face. ‘Let’s not talk about it here.’ She wasn’t ready for this now. Such a conversation would mean she’d have to hear details of what he’d done with Luthor, and she needed to regain some strength before she could get through that.
‘We’ll get a room,’ he said. ‘There must be a hotel around here.’
Someone forced open the door they’d tried to block. Bright electric light spilled over the broken concrete. August and Lykke stumbled into the yard, both smiling hard. ‘Here you are.’ They enveloped Xane in their embrace, oblivious to the granite set of his jaw. ‘Thanks, man. You’ve given us our big break. We’ve already had three calls from people wanting to talk to us about signing a record deal.’
‘Great.’
Lykke picked up on the prickly atmosphere. ‘Sorry, I think we’re interrupting something.’ She pulled August back towards the door. ‘Let’s leave them.’
‘We need somewhere quiet to talk,’ Xane said.
August twisted a key off the bunch he’d had in his pocket. ‘Here,’ he said, handing it to Xane. ‘My place is only a few blocks away. I’m fine sleeping in the van. Pull the door to when you leave. Hanne has a spare key.’
‘Thank you.’
Chapter 40
August’s flat consisted of one room divided by a set of glass doors and a minuscule bathroom. There wasn’t much space because of the wall of CDs that overflowed into piles around the room, and his collection of guitars on stands.
Xane saw the double bed, and all he wanted to do was collapse on it and leave the awkward conversation until tomorrow. Forty thousand bees were buzzing inside his head and, while he’d said he’d get rid of Luthor, he knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. The guy was under his skin. If he was around, he’d always be a temptation, but giving him the boot didn’t seem to be the right solution either.
Dani was right. The thought of never having sex with another guy again made him uneasy. He wanted option three: and they all lived happily ever after together, having shedloads of awesome boy-girl, boy-girl-boy, boy-boy-girl, et cetera sex. But she was never going to agree to it, and he absolutely understood why. A few letters explaining that your father didn’t really abandon you so he could be with his gay lover didn’t make up for years of mental and physical abuse. Nor did they remove the scars from her skin that she hated anyone to see.
Xane rocked uneasily on his heels as Dani squeezed herself into one sunken corner of the dilapidated sofa. He didn’t dare to sit next to her, though he wanted to. He’d tried to hold her hand as they’d walked here, but she had been having none of it.
Instead, he knelt on the floor in front of her and wondered where the hell to start. ‘Sorry’ didn’t seem to cut it. He said it again, nonetheless.
‘Don’t,’ she said, looking at him and shaking her head. ‘It doesn’t make things right, it just makes you feel better, and I’m not sure you deserve to feel better.’
He was silent. It was a valid point.
‘You were so indignant when I equated bisexuality with infidelity,’ she remarked. ‘Do you remember? We were on the beach on your cousin’s island. “Liking both men and women doesn’t make me any less trustworthy,” you said. But I was right not to trust you. I knew you’d hurt me, and you have.’
He listened and he took it. Most of it.
‘Being bisexual isn’t what made me unfaithful, Dani. Trying to deny what I am is what led to that.’
‘Bisexual,’ she said, jabbing at him with her fingertip.
‘And an addict,’ he corrected her, catching her hand and holding it. ‘I’m an addict. I thought I had it under control, but I don’t. I’m not sure it ever has been. I thought, because I wasn’t out fucking a different person every night, that I had it conquered, but I was just salving the need in a different way. I knew what I had with Steve and Elspeth was fucked up, but I did it anyway because it satisfied the itch and it was easier than facing the alternative.’
‘You told me you were in love with Steve.’
‘I was. But I knew he would never love me. I’d always known it. I should have walked as soon as I realised it and left the pair of them to be happy, but I didn’t because it was too good a fix, and now he’s dead because of that.’
‘No.’ She leaned forward in her seat. ‘Steve’s death is not your fault. It was an accident.’
‘For which I’m at least partially responsible.’ He fell quiet for a moment, trying to order his thoughts so that what he needed to say made sense. ‘We had a heck of a lot of sex, Dani. It’s pretty much all we did. I got to feed the habit all the time.’
‘Are you trying to say I don’t give you enough, so you looked elsewhere?’
He shook his head. ‘We have lots of amazing sex, but when I make love to you, it’s because I think you’re the most precious thing in the universe and I want to share the whole of myself with you. I want you to feel good. I want it to be meaningful. Sex between us shouldn’t be a way of cushioning myself against the crap in my life, but it’s hard … it’s hard not to fall into that trap, because you make me feel good, and I use sex like a drug. It’s how I deal with things, or rather how I fail to deal with things. Do you understand, Dani? Do you? And then Luthor was there, and he was offering, and he got into my head and under my skin.’ He scratched his scalp, knowing he wasn’t really getting the message across. ‘He didn’t take no for an answer. He kept coming back and waving exactly what I wanted right in front of me.’
‘How many times?’ she asked.
‘What?’
‘How many times did you score Luthor instead of me?’
‘If you mean how many times did we have sex, then the answer’s none.’
‘Don’t you dare lie.’ Anger flared within her eyes, and two hot spots of colour brightened the line of her cheekbones. ‘I saw you with him this morning. He had his hand around your cock and you were kissing. And there’s footage of the pair of you together in the toilets at the Paradiso too.’
‘None,’ he repeated. ‘I thought about it. A lot. But I didn’t fuck him. Heavy petting, yes. And it almost happened earlier tonight, before I learned where you were. He does turn me on, Dani, as much as I’d like to deny it. But I swear –’ he put his hand on his heart ‘– the only time I’ve actually fucked him was three years ago.’
She held up one hand to him, warning him to stop, the other clamped tight against her chest. He pressed his palm to hers and laced their fingers.
‘I’m sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it is the truth. I don’t love him, but I do desire him.’
Deep ridges formed across her forehead as she pulled her hand free. She stood, pushed past him and paced back and forth across the few feet of wooden floor. ‘I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what to feel. I need to think.’ She bowed her head and covered her face with her hands. ‘Just because you’ve an illness doesn’t make it all right.’
‘I don’t mean it to be an excuse. I know I’m in the wrong, and I understand if you don’t want to give me a second chance.’
She peeped at him from between her fingers. ‘H
ow can I give you a second chance, when I know you’ll do the same thing all over again?’
‘I’ll do rehab again. Counselling. Whatever you want. Don’t leave me, Dani.’
‘I don’t know how I can stay with you and not be a mess. I don’t want to be always looking over my shoulder to see which man or woman you’re lining up as your next screw. Also, I know you think that what you did with Luthor was just about slapping a Band-Aid on your wounds, but how different is that from our relationship? You say you don’t want to use me as a salve, but that’s how it started. You took me to Monte Carlo for a dirty weekend, remember? The purpose of which was to fuck me and forget. What’s to say, after you’ve reamed his arse a few times, you won’t feel the same way you do about me about Luthor?’
‘You’re different. You’ve always been different.’
‘Why?’
‘You understand me. You’re there for me. I told you this last night.’
‘I relate to the pain you express in your lyrics. I think it’s an exaggeration to say I understand you. There for you – I hope so, but I think Luthor would be there for you too, if you let him. Christ, I’ve spent enough time listening to him elaborate about what he’d like to do with you, and how awesome he thinks you are.’
Luthor had been there for him earlier. Without him, he’d have never found Dani, and he wouldn’t be having this conversation with her. Luthor had listened when he’d talked about Steve too, which was why he’d initially let his guard down and then got himself into this mess.
‘Do you know what I think, Xane? I don’t think it’s sex you’re addicted to. I think it’s love. Your parents didn’t love you. Your siblings don’t even respect you. You want the whole world to love you and make you feel special. If it was purely about sex, you’d have taken anybody to bed. It’s not as if there haven’t been plenty of people offering themselves, but you’re not interested in any of them. I know, I’ve been watching. But Luthor … Luthor’s a different case. You’re interested in Luthor because he doesn’t only want sex. He’s like me. He wants a relationship with you. He’s offering love.’
‘He might be offering, but it’s you I want.’ He rose to his feet. Somehow he needed to get that through to her, but she wouldn’t let him close.
‘You say that, but if I wasn’t here, if you were with him instead, tell me truthfully that you wouldn’t be screwing him senseless right now.’
‘Dani!’
‘Tell me … tell me that’s not what you’d be doing.’
Lips pressed tight together, he shook his head. He wasn’t going to lie. She deserved better than that.
She quietened. ‘I don’t want to share, Xane.’
Dani retreated into the bedroom, blocking his way when he tried to follow her. ‘No. We sleep apart.’ She handed him a pillow and a blanket.
‘Are you going to leave me?’
‘I don’t know. I’m going to sleep on it. We’ll talk again in the morning.’ She closed the glass doors, leaving him watching her through the patterned glass as she undressed. He was so desperate to hold her.
* * *
Dani couldn’t settle. The bed was cold, and there were too many thoughts spinning round and round in her head. If he was an addict, then she was one too. She couldn’t look at him without her insides churning and her core becoming molten. He’d screwed up, done the one thing she’d feared most, and yet she still wanted him. How crazy was that?
Especially when she knew deep down he’d commit the same crime over and over … He’d admitted as much. Therapy might help. He rarely mentioned his past, which was the cause of all this, not Steve’s death. If he could talk through some of his issues, then maybe he’d gain some insight … Then again, she had issues of her own in abundance and the thought of having to discuss them with someone made her nauseous. Maybe what they needed to do was accept a few truths about one another and work things out from there.
Except she wasn’t sure she was ready for that. It would mean living in a state of perpetual fear, always conscious of the fact that he might one day choose Luthor, or whatever other man he hooked up with, over her.
You’re doing that already, said another part of her brain.
No – she really didn’t want to share him. This was all such a horrible mess, and, to top it off, there was still someone out there determined to stir trouble.
Dani wasn’t sure how much time passed before she got up. She slid open one of the glass doors. Xane lay stretched along the couch, his head resting on the pillow she’d provided, his bare feet over the arm at the other end. He didn’t look terribly comfortable.
‘Are you awake?’
He shuffled into a sitting position and peered at her over the sofa back. He looked as worn and sleepless as she felt.
‘Bring your pillow and come sleep with me.’
He came immediately and slid into the cold side of the bed.
‘Am I allowed to touch you?’
She wanted that, but he wasn’t forgiven yet. She offered him her hand to hold. No other contact. Only their palms pressed together and his long fingers locked tight with hers. Maybe, come daylight, she’d have a solution that would make things right.
Chapter 41
Dani woke first and found Xane curled facing her, his fists around her hand, as if by gripping her tightly enough he could make her stay with him. His face was troubled and his complexion grey. She lay watching him sleep. Even shadowed and wounded as he appeared now, he remained the most magnetic, attractive man she’d ever met. Though, she realised after a moment or two, he still had on the remains of last night’s make-up, and some of the hollows in his face could be rubbed away to reveal the healthier complexion beneath.
He’d claimed that he didn’t want their sex to be about salving his wounds. She wondered how he’d feel if she told him that’s how he’d helped her overcome many of her own issues. Xane had made her comfortable being naked. OK, she wasn’t yet ready to flaunt her body in a bikini or show her scars off to the world, but at least she could look at herself now without feeling ashamed, and she no longer kept her eyes closed when she took a shower.
‘Morning,’ he said, opening his pale blue-grey eyes. He searched her face for signs of where they currently stood.
‘Hey.’
‘You’re still with me.’
She nodded. ‘Seems so.’
Bowing his head, he pressed his lips against the base of her thumb.
Dani sighed as arousal rippled through her limbs, prompting her to stroke his long hair, the ends of which stuck to his body like vines. As kisses went, it was one of his best, certainly one of his most meaningful. It summed up all his hopes and desires, and carried with it the faint tickle of sexual arousal too.
Taking her reaction as a signal to move closer, Xane parted his lips again, ready to place his next kiss on her lips, but she pulled her shoulders back and shook her head.
‘Not yet.’
His eyes filled with disappointment.
‘There needs to be some sort of plan. I can’t pretend nothing happened.’ He hadn’t betrayed her as profoundly as he might have, but it was a betrayal none the less. He’d cheated.
‘OK. Sorry.’ He shifted slightly, angling his body into the mattress, and bending his uppermost leg at the knee to support himself.
Dani pursed her lips, realising that he was horny and trying to hide it. Xane’s morning glory was one of the things that made waking in his arms extra fun, especially when he snuggled up to her back, when she was still cosy and half-asleep, and nudged against the curve of her ass.
‘Shit! Sorry.’ He grimaced at the realisation that she knew he was hard. ‘I’ll shower and leave you in peace.’
‘Stay where you are.’
His handsome face lit with hope.
‘Nope, still not an invitation to touch. Think of it as a lesson in restraint.’ He certainly needed a few of those.
Xane groaned, but declined to call her cruel. Maybe it was cruel to make him li
e in bed with her, only a few inches of sheet separating their nakedness, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to let him come any closer yet. Sex with him had a way of blowing all rational thoughts out of her head, and there were things she still needed to consider. She knew how to love him, but she also knew her love alone wasn’t enough. Addictions aside, he couldn’t be faithful to her without denying half his sexuality, and one of the things she loved most about him was that sexually he was so at ease within his own skin.
‘I want to know everything you did with Luthor.’
‘No, you don’t. You think if you know it’ll make it easier. It won’t. And it’s not really what I did that’s the issue. It’s what I might do.’
So true. He’d already told her that they hadn’t had sex. She didn’t really need to hear him describing a few sneaky kisses and some groping. That would just make her angry again. It seemed too soon to be feeling so mellow and peaceful. She ought to be furious with him still, but somewhere between falling asleep and waking the anger had burned out of her. Now she just wanted to know how to fix him. The best way seemed to be to love him, despite his faults. And to get him to realise that it was OK to have sex with her for comfort.
‘Dani, can we talk about it?’
‘About what you might do with Luthor?’
‘About what it’ll take for you to let me touch you again.’
She pursed her lips. ‘Not fucking around with Luthor, or any other man.’
He nodded, but his eyes were two deep wells filled with storm clouds. ‘I thought you might say that. I’ll try, Dani. I will try.’
She already knew he’d fail, and so did he. She could hear it in his voice. The determination was there to try his very best, but it was like when the Sisterhood of St Agatha’s had demanded she give up coveting the affections of men, or him. They’d always wanted her to give him up, and she never could, no matter how much punishment or heartache it brought her. She felt the same way now.
Come Together Page 30