“She hurt me, Nolan. She said some pretty unforgiving thing to me, and that’s not cool,” I admitted to Nolan. “I guess I don’t know who I am anymore. I mean what am I even doing here?” I stood up and Nolan stood as well. He looked me in the eye and shrugged.
“You’re here because you wanted my brother to think that you weren’t sitting at home alone with nothing to do. You’re here because you needed a friend.” Then he took my hand, and I felt the sureness in his grip. He was my friend. He had given up his plans for the day, whatever they were, to bring me up here to keep up my ruse. I was lying to Nash about where I was because, like Nolan said, I didn’t want him to think I was sitting at home pining for him, waiting for his call or his attention. I had become a pathetic mess. Good job reinventing yourself, Sadie.
“Come on,” I told him breaking our hands apart. “I have to go talk to Lily.”
***
I dropped Nolan off at his car, which was still sitting in the school lot. To my surprise his small black two-door BMW was not what I pictured him driving. Nash’s truck was huge and fit his big personality, but I didn’t see quiet Nolan in this car. Maybe I was jealous perhaps? Probably.
“Well, it’s been super fun,” he joked. I picked up a soda can and threw it at him.
“Be nice!” I demanded. He dodged the can swiftly.
“Okay, sorry. I promise I’ll be nice. Just keep your trash in your car for God sakes,” he teased. “So, same time tomorrow? I promise to make it more interesting and less depressing.”
I thought about it for a second. It sounded fun, and I didn’t have anything else to do besides read for class. So I nodded my head and Nolan closed the door. He waved at me and got into his car. As I drove away, I couldn’t stop smiling. For some reason Nolan made me happy; happier than I had been in a long time. He was infectious and not in a bad way, more so in a way where you always wanted him around.
I left the school and got to Scoop’s in record time. My plan was to talk to Lily at work, where she couldn’t run off and avoid me. It was a stupid plan, but it was all I had.
The parking lot was nearly empty and that made me happy. That meant no one to overhear us and no pressure.
She was working the counter like I had hoped, cleaning off the glass Ice Cream case. She looked up and frowned. Her usual delighted smile to see me was gone.
“What are you doing here, Sadie? I told you I need a break. It’s been one day!” she huffed.
I put my hands up in surrender and walked slowly toward her like she was an angry animal.
“Look, I only came to talk, not to yell,” I told her. I had practiced my speech on the way over. I didn’t know how it would play out, but I didn’t expect her to still be so angry and hurtful.
“You mean to apologize?” she snapped putting her hands on her hips.
I swallowed then replied, “I’ll admit I judged Oliver a bit too harshly, but you and I have been best friends since first grade. I can’t help it if I’m protective of you. It’s who I am; it’s what I’ve always done, protect you.”
“Whoa,” she interrupted. “You protect me when I need it, not when I have a boyfriend before you do. To me that just screams jealously, Sadie. I’m sorry but you need to go.” Apparently she was still pissed at me and not willing to listen. She still insisted I was jealous, when I wasn’t. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t envy driving me; it was my fear for her safety. I couldn’t pin point what it was that scared me, but I would be able to soon.
“Lily, honestly I’m not upset you have a boyfriend. I swear,” I said as I walked closer to her. I wanted to hug her and for her to tell me it would be okay. I had done a total one-eighty from this morning. Instead of being finished with her, I wanted to salvage what friendship we had left. Maybe it was Nolan’s advice or maybe it was seeing her, I wasn’t sure. One thing was crystal clear, she was done with me. I could see it on her face like it was written in black ink across her forehead. She was in love with Oliver and needed no one else in her life.
“Lies! Sadie, it’s all lies. You’re lying to yourself and to me. I’m done.” There it was. “I’m done with you and with all your crap. I’ll mail your shit to your house. Get out.”
She didn’t yell it; she just said it nicely, which was weird. I would have preferred yelling over her calm goodbye. I stepped back, nodding my head like a bobbing idiot. On my way out the door, I searched her face for some remnants of the friend I knew only days before. As I reached the doorway, I realized she was gone.
I found my car, got in and sat down. I was a mess, but I wouldn’t cry. Not now. Not where she could see me. I would cry when I got home, and I would let it all out. I wasn’t crying over the girl that I last spoke to, I would be crying for the girl I once knew. The Lily inside my heart was gone somehow, and I didn’t know who it was that took her place. I also made myself a promise that once I finished my crying, that would be the last I ever thought of Lily Chavez again.
Twelve
My mom held me as I cried in her arms. I felt like a child again that needed her mommy to kiss all the boo-boos away. She ran her hands over my hair and whispered things like, “It will all work out, I promise.” And, “Who needs people like that in their life? Not you!”
Finally, she got up and made a phone call then sat down with me again. I knew who she called; she called Cara. It was a family crisis in her eyes, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Cara drove home and stayed with us until I felt better. I felt like such a wimp for mourning over someone who lived ten-minutes away. She was still alive and well, but in my heart she felt dead. Our friendship had died a miserable death, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
“I’m going to make dinner, and later we’ll go outside and have a few margaritas,” my mom said as she got up. “Of course, yours will be a virgin.”
She remembered my admission about not liking alcohol, plus I was only seventeen.
“Okay, Mom. Thanks.”
I got up and headed to my room. I stripped off my clothes and got into the shower. I let the water run over me and the tears drip down with it and decided that it would be the last I would cry over Lily. When I shut off the water, I shut off the tears. Done.
Dinner smelled fabulous as I dressed in my most comfortable long t-shirt. My phone dinged and I checked it; it was from Nash.
Nash- Hey cutie. You okay? I heard about the thing at Scoop’s.
Me- I’m great. Having dinner with my mom. What are you up to?
I decided that I would not be telling Nash what was really going on inside of me. He was best friends with Oliver, and I knew he’d tell Oliver and Oliver in turn would tell Lily. I would not give her the benefit of knowing how hurt I was. Instead I would go about my life without her in it. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad; I could be who I wanted to be. I would wear what I wanted and not feel judged. I could read books by the lake with Kyleigh and not feel guilty for it. She could have Oliver, and I would be fine without her.
Nash- I wanna see you … tonight … can I come over?
I stared at the text dumbfounded. The way I’d left his arms at lunch, I didn’t think he’d want to see me again. Tonight, though, was the worst time possible. I was a mess and I didn’t want him to see me like this.
Me- I can’t. My mom and I have plans.
Nash- Okay. Cool. See you at school tomorrow, then. We still on for Friday?
Me- Yes we are. See you tomorrow.
I left my phone on my bed and joined my mom on the deck for dinner with my virgin margarita.
***
The next morning as I sat with my dad and had coffee, I couldn’t help but feel odd having both my parents together in the same kitchen. They moved around each other like they didn’t see one another. It was almost like they dealt with things better that way. I hoped one day they could get over all the bullshit and be friends.
“So,” my dad said handing me a bagel that my mom buttered and passed to him, all while not meeting his eyes. “Would you like to co
me with me this weekend? I’m going to a convention that I think you’d really like.”
My dad worked in advertising. He mostly attended conventions that held new computer software, so I couldn’t imagine a convention that I would like to go to.
“Where is it? And what is it for?” I asked as I took a bite.
“Right to the point, huh? Well, it’s for our firm, but I heard there would be some publishing companies there with some books or something like that. We could go on Friday and come home Saturday,” he muttered. Got to love my dad; he tried.
“Stewart, I don’t think going to a convention in a stuffy hotel is what Sadie’s into these days,” my mom argued.
“Well, Maggie, it’s better than sitting at home all day,” he replied stiffly.
“Guys!” I said, breaking up the fight before it started. “I won’t sit here all weekend, Dad. Last weekend I went to the fair and saw Arms of Chance. I appreciate the invite, Dad, but I might have plans on Friday night.”
Instead of disappointed, he looked happy for once. “Yeah, plans? Doing what?” He asked as he took a bite of bagel.
“Well, it’s a dance?” I wasn’t sure how to say that I was going to a club. Dance sounded better than club.
“Dance, huh? Well, that sounds fun. Who are you going with?” My mom asked.
“A boy. His name is Nash.” I braced myself for a fight, but my mom smiled. She actually looked happy. This was definitely new. Usually any mention of going anywhere without Lily, my mom would freak out. She was way too calm.
“Well, just be sure I get to meet this boy before you head out, okay?”
I nodded and downed the rest of my bagel. I had to get to school and out of this house before my mom changed her mind.
“Got to run, guys. It’s been fun,” I said as I grabbed my bag. “See you later tonight, Mom.” I kissed them both and walked out of the door. As I looked back, they stood a little closer together, and for a fleeting second I wished they were back together. Breaking up hurt so badly, but sometimes people made up and fixed things.
***
I walked into school and saw Nash right away. He waved me over, and I looked around for Oliver, not seeing him. I went over and he gave me a quick hug.
“Hey,” he said and kissed my temple. It was like a tease. We hadn’t shared a kiss, and I wanted to so badly. His lips were perfect pressed up against my temple. Maybe Friday we would actually kiss and become a couple. As to what we were now, I wasn’t sure.
“How are you doing today?” he asked as concern crossed his face.
I stepped back a bit and said, “Why are you asking me that? What did Oliver tell you?”
I assumed it was Oliver who told Nash about Lily and me. I couldn’t imagine what that discussion was like.
“You know, that you and Liliana got into a fight.” The way he said Lily’s full name surprised me. Only Lily’s family called her Liliana. She’d hate it if I ever used that name.
“And?” I pressed.
“And that you’re mad because she has a boyfriend. I mean, it sounds ridiculous that you would be mad about that, so I told Oli that you’re not like that. Right?” He laughed and pulled me closer to him. Suddenly, I felt almost nauseous with the idea of being around Nash right then.
I pulled away from him casually. “It is ridiculous, and that’s not why we’re fighting at all. Honestly, I don’t know why Lily has a bug up her ass.”
“Listen, I got your back, and I just wanted to see if you’re all right. I know that this is so stupid, and it’s not your fault.”
How did he know? He didn’t really even know me. We’d only met each other two weeks prior, so how was he so sure he knew me and what I would or would not feel? I took back the thoughts I had about wanting to kiss him.
Thankfully, the bell rang and Nash grabbed his folder and books.
“See you at lunch?” he asked. I nodded and headed in the opposite direction. The last thing I wanted to do was to sit with Nash and Oliver at lunch. I had to come up with a good excuse for not being there. I would rather eat lunch in my car than sit next to Oliver. I had to find out what it was about the guy that irked me so much; other than the fact that he ditched Lily when she needed help. I knew there was more to the story about him and his ex Gwynnie, and I vowed to find out ASAP.
Class wasn’t as boring as usual, surprisingly. Mrs. Bentley wanted us to talk in groups about the value of beauty as compared to Dorian Gray in today’s society. I was paired with Kyleigh, a girl named Rochelle, and Nolan. At first we stared at each other, no one really knowing what to say. Nolan just stared at his crinkled copy of the book, and Kyleigh played with her earrings. It was Rochelle who spoke first.
“Well, I think that most teenagers think that because they’re beautiful they aren’t responsible for the wrong things that they do. Like their actions don’t matter because they are special.”
We looked at her and all dived into conversation. Each of us proving our points, and ultimately agreeing with Rochelle. We wrote our findings down, and Nolan gave it to Mrs. Bentley. Then the lunch bell rang. Kyleigh grabbed me and told me she had to go to a doctor’s appointment, so she wouldn’t be able to sit with me at lunch today.
“It’s okay,” I told her. “Let’s hang out later though.”
“Sounds good! See ya,” she called as I stood there alone, not knowing what to do.
As soon as I gave up on ideas and decided to just go to the lunchroom and sit with Nash, an arm came out of nowhere and pulled me into the quad, out of sight. Nolan’s face looked concerned as he pulled me along with him, out of the quad now and into the parking lot. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked his car. He opened the passenger side door for me, and I got in, not questioning anything he was doing. In my mind he was saving me.
He got in and drove away from the school; the farther I got the better my stomach felt. I wondered briefly if the pain I felt was because of Nash. Was my body trying to tell me that he wasn’t good for me?
“We needed to get you out of there,” Nolan said as he pulled into a quaint diner where I had never eaten. “I could see you’re upset about whatever’s going on and your face screamed, ‘save me.’” He laughed, but it wasn’t funny. He was so right. I was begging for someone to save me, except the one person I would go to when I felt this way didn’t like me anymore. Tears came to my eyes. I turned my face so Nolan didn’t see, but he did anyway.
“Hey, don’t cry, Sadie,” he whispered gently.
“It’s easy to say, not easy to do,” I choked out. Damn tears! “I was done crying yesterday. I even told myself I wasn’t going to, but …”
He didn’t leave me; he just sat there with me while I cried. He handed me a tissue and rubbed my shoulder. Usually I never cried in front of people, except Lily, but there was something very comforting about crying with Nolan. I knew he didn’t judge me or my ugly tear-stained face. Taking a huge breath in, I released out all of the negative and then said, “Okay, let’s eat.”
We found a table near the back, just in case the crying started again. Nolan ordered for me, insisting that he knew what was best here.
“Two Turkey Rueben’s with extra sauce please,” he told the waitress. She snapped her gum and winked at him. She was totally flirting with him. I looked from him to her and back again. I could see suddenly what she saw; Nolan was hot. Why hadn’t I ever seen it before? Sure I’d thought he was cute, but he was way more than that. His brown hair was neatly combed back and fell just to his neckline. His eyes sparkled when he talked, and his smile was perfect. I’d noticed it before, but this time it was different. It was like I was seeing him for the first time, and what I saw, I liked.
“And two Coke’s and that’s it,” he finished.
“Sure thing, sugar.” She smiled again. Frowning, he turned his attention to me. He wasn’t flirting back. But, why? She was super cute. She had red hair that reached her butt in a long braid and a body that looked like she worked out or ran. Yeah
that was it, she had a runner’s body. Even in her god-awful waitress uniform, I could see it. So why didn’t Nolan? Was he gay?
If he was, it wouldn’t matter one bit to me, but I was curious now.
“So,” he said breaking my concentration. “Want to come to the cottage tonight? We’re having a little BBQ, just me and a few guys.” I bit my lip, fighting the urge to ask if he was gay or not.
“Can I bring Kyleigh?” I asked.
“Of course. And, just so you know, Nash won’t be there if you were gonna ask,” he said as he sipped the Coke the waitress sat in front of him.
“Oh. That’s fine. I don’t care,” As soon as I said it I realized, I didn’t actually care if Nash was there. Weird. I was into him, right? Yeah, I was. So why did I not care if he wasn’t going to be at the party?
“Cool.” Nolan smiled and dug into his sandwich. I picked up mine and took a big bite. I scarfed it down in only a matter of minutes. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I ate that sandwich. I had to start getting myself back to normal. Well, not normal, but back to eating a regular diet.
We left the diner, and Nolan drove back to school. I watched the peach trees that lined the roads fly by as he drove. I remembered picking peaches with Lily at her grandparent’s farm. We had so much fun as kids, but that time was over. She had decided to be someone else. Who we are now wasn’t the same as who we were then. We were growing up and growing apart. And I was going to have to adjust to life without Lily.
I did want to reinvent myself, so I would do that. I would become the girl I had always wanted to be, and I wouldn’t have anyone holding me back.
Thirteen
The night came fast, and I picked up Kyleigh from her house. She took one look at my outfit and went back inside to change. I dressed casual, jeans and a tank top. She had a full party outfit on, complete with seriously high heels. She came back out in shorts and a way more casual shirt.
Who We Were Page 8