Julia began fixing her hair in the rear view mirror. “Yeah, it’s pretty amazing. His dad is like an internet genius or something. And his mom is some kind of author,” Ava said, pulling out her lip gloss and rolling it across her lips. She saw me watching and handed it over. “You can never be too prepared. Here.”
“Unlikely.” But I accepted the thin pink and green tube anyway, and rubbed it across my lips. It tasted like mint. “Thanks.”
“Ready?” Julia asked, opening her door. I followed, but fighting my nerves. I wondered what waited inside. Mean girls or cute boys? Keg stands and Jell-O shots? The possibilities were endless.
Ava seemed to understand my apprehension. “Come on, I won’t leave your side, I promise.” She hooked her arm with mine and we navigated the imposing steps to the huge porch.
Once inside, I forced myself not to over-analyze anyone’s reaction to our arrival. I convinced myself that if someone noticed me, it wasn’t in judgment. The scene was like every other high school party I’d been to at my old school or had even seen on television. Kids everywhere, trash strewn about. Boys were acting like dorks and girls eyeing them like they were prime material for possible dates to prom. Who were they to judge?
I shuddered as I watched one kid in the kitchen actually attempt to drink an entire bottle of hot sauce and wash it down with beer. Some girl from my Spanish class was encouraging him and rubbing his back. “Yeah, he’s a keeper. Gross,” I said to Ava. The boy bent over the sink, on the verge of puking.
We moved through the house and stood by the huge stone fireplace, away from the crowd in the kitchen, watching some kids play video games. Festive red plastic party cups in hand, we sipped the murky concoction that we’d found in a huge vat on the kitchen counter. It tasted like a disgusting mixture of fruit punch and cough syrup. At this point I didn’t really care. I just hoped to settle my nerves.
“This stuff tastes horrible,” I said to Ava, after taking a gulp and wincing at the flavor.
Julia ditched us the minute we got our drinks and was currently perched on the couch, watching the games. Her eyes were glued to Brennan.
Ava gestured to Brennan. “Notice how he keeps talking to that guy, George? He talks to him, but keeps looking at Julia. George, on the other hand, isn’t afraid to sit next to her.”
I watched the scenario in front of me unfold. George was next to Julia on the couch and Brennan came to sit down to talk. Well, not so much talk as harass. “I think he’ll talk to her in the next thirty seconds. He just made an excuse to move closer to her.”
“I’ll take that bet,” Ava said. “No way he talks to her yet. Look at him, he’s about to bust out of his skin. I think the two guys will be in a full-out wrestling match on the ground within a minute.”
“Deal. If I win, you have to go talk to Christian over there.” I pointed to the slim boy sitting on the floor watching the game. “Don’t think I haven’t been watching you two make eyes at one another all month in Art.”
Ava’s eyes widened. She didn’t know how obvious the two of them were. “Fine,” she retorted, pretending to be offended, “but if I win you have to talk to Connor.”
“What?” I asked, searching the room. I hadn’t seen him at the party. “He’s here?” My heart kick-started and my palms became damp with sweat. Crap.
“He’s on the back porch. Allison Morgan is out there, too. Blech.”
My face flushed, even though Ava couldn’t begin to comprehend the extent of our relationship with one another.
“Deal.”
Ava checked her watch and said, “Go.” At the twenty-second mark Brennan had made no moves to speak to Julia at all, even though it was clear he was aware of her.
“You’re losing,” Ava announced and pointed at them. “Watch.” Julia said something to the both of the boys fifteen seconds later and with one look in her direction they flew over the couch and began tussling on the hardwoods.
I watched the two idiots rolling on the floor in astonishment. “Okay! You win! But really, how did you know they were going to start wrestling?” I asked, amazed by her accuracy.
“I have two older brothers, and have watched them circle around girls for years. One thing I learned is that once they hit thirteen or so, all the blood in their body travels directly to their…” She gestured with her hands toward her pelvis and quirked an eyebrow. “Well, you know. They also basically want to touch any girl near them, all the time, yet they do have enough brain cells left to understand this is not socially appropriate. So instead they run around to get that blood flowing and touch each other instead. It’s ridiculous, but true. I swear.”
My mouth hung open in disbelief. “Are you serious?” I had no older brothers. I only had Evan who, as far as I knew, no longer had hormones.
I thought about him in my room at night.
I hoped he no longer had hormones.
“Absolutely. See, they got it out of their systems and can now function properly.” We assessed the boys who helped each other off the floor, and this time Brennan sat next to Julia and even spoke to her.
“Huh,” I said.
“Oh! She just made a move. Subtle, yet there,” Ava said, and I held my cup to my mouth to hide my laughter.
“Noted. It’s the patented, ‘Oh, you have something on your shoulder, I need to brush it off’ move.”
“Well, it is a classic.” She nodded her approval.
“I can’t tell what he’s going to do, though. He seems conflicted. His eyes are on the TV but his body…well, he appears to be moving closer. I could be wrong, though.”
We continued watching for a couple minutes, mocking the couple in front of us, and I didn’t notice we were no longer alone. Someone knocked my elbow, jostling my drink.
“Hi.”
“Um…” Yes. Um.
“Hey, Connor, what’s up?” Ava, of course, had no problem with his presence.
“Not much. Just coming to see what you two are smiling about.” I kept my eyes focused on the crowd but, as usual, it was too hard to resist looking at him for long. I glanced in his direction and took him in. Increasingly unkempt hair, dark, olive-green sweater with a wide stripe across the chest and faded, worn jeans. He looked good. Really good, and I tried not to embarrass myself, but I doubted it was possible.
“Just watching the love connection on the couch. Your boy Brennan decided to finally make a move on Julia,” Ava said, pointing to the couch.
Connor’s intense blue eyes studied the pair. “It’s about time.”
“You missed the wrestling match,” she said. I was envious of Ava’s ability to speak to him so casually. But of course, she didn’t know everything I did.
“What match?”
I waited for Ava to respond but I realized he was staring at me. “Um…Ava was just telling me her opinion about how George and Brennan wrestling on the ground like a pair of monkeys really has to do with a girl.”
Connor’s lip quirked at the corner of his mouth. “Really? I’d love to hear more about that.”
“Um…well.” I looked behind me for help from Ava but blanched when I realized she was involved in a conversation with another girl. Damn her. “You know, I’m gonna call girl code on that one. Sorry.”
“Girl code?”
“Yeah, you know, things just between girls, about boys, that we can’t share. I’m sure you and your group of delinquents have a similar system.” And there we go. Out of one sticky situation and directly into another.
Connor stared at me for a moment, the smirk still on his face. StopbeingsohotSTOPBEINGSOHOT. “You keep bringing up my past, Jane. It makes me wonder if you have a thing for guys like me.”
“Like you,” I repeated, trying to control my breathing.
He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest and said, “Yep.” Smug jerk.
“I don’t. Don’t worry.”
“Are you sure? Because, I’m okay with it if you do. I can keep up that image if you find it attra
ctive.” He’d dipped his head low, so that only I could hear him. His body was so close I could feel his knees as they knocked into my legs.
“Stop it. Stop playing games with me Connor Jacobs.” Lowering my voice I said, “You and I have something in common, right?” He waited, eyes narrowed. “Well, I never tore up my house or skipped school or had to go to a hospital to deal with it. I’m managing my problem, and trying to function appropriately. Stop trying to drag me down to your level.”
The words came out harsh and ugly. I didn’t even mean them—I just couldn’t handle my reaction to him. My stupid crush, one that he would never return. No one paid attention to me at this school, and he was the last one I wanted it from, yet at the same time I craved him.
My fist was balled at my side, bracing myself for his retaliation, and I gasped when he took the drink away from me and wrapped one of his large hands around my wrist and tugged me out of the room. In a heartbeat we were down the hall, slipping into the butler’s pantry near the kitchen. The room was dark and empty and he set my drink down on the counter top. I could barely make out Connor’s features from the light that spilled in from the hallway, but from what I could see, he wasn’t angry.
He dropped my hand and ran it over his face. “I’m not playing games with you, Jane. I don’t know what you’re so scared of, but it shouldn’t be me. I’ve tried being nice. I’ve tried ignoring you. I’ve followed you home. Made your ghost force you to talk to me. I’ve asked you to call. I’ve done everything I can to open the lines of communication here because…” His words dropped, and he turned away from me, banging his fist so hard on the countertop that I jumped.
“Because what?” I whispered, feeling horrible.
“Because, I,” he stopped, and I moved closer to hear him, “I need you. I need someone to talk to, who understands.” He spun around, facing me. His eyes were glassy and pained. “Those guys don’t get it,” he said, waving to the doorway. “And my family? I’m not allowed to talk about it. All the things I’ve seen. I just need someone to share this with and I suspect you do as well.”
Taking a deep breath, I stared at my feet. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
I glanced at his face and if I thought he looked good smirky and hostile, I was wrong. Hopeful was even more appealing. “Yeah, okay.”
THE MOMENT WE SHARED in the pantry was tense and definitely awkward. Connor laid himself bare for me—again. I was willing to give this a try, but I already knew trusting him would be difficult.
“So, friends?” he asked, with the hint of a relief on his face.
I sighed and took a couple steps back. Things had gotten a little too close for comfort for a moment. “We’ll see. I’m willing to try this, but—”
“I know. I understand. I promise I won’t betray you.” His jaw was tense and serious. “Because that’s what this is about, right? You’re afraid I’m going to use this against you? Because I won’t. I can’t. You were right; I have to start dealing with this and begin functioning like a normal person.”
“You are a normal person.” I said with my eyes on the floor, unable to maintain eye contact for more than a second. “And thank you. You can trust me, too. And I’ll stop with the delinquent jokes,” I glanced upward, “maybe.”
Connor reached for the cup on the counter and I watched, shocked, as he poured it down the drain. He crushed the plastic between his fingers and tossed it in the sink. “You don’t need to drink that crap. Trust me, it makes things worse.”
I had a hard time believing that. “So you don’t drink?”
He shook his head. “It, um…” he shoved his hands in his pockets, “doesn’t really work with my meds.”
“Oh.”
“The meds I take are supposed to make the voices go away.”
“Does it work?” I asked.
“Sometimes, but not with all of the ‘voices.’” He accentuated the word ‘voices’ with finger quotations. “It makes me less angry and a little more even-tempered, which helps to deal with everything.”
We stared at one another for a moment, fully aware that he had just revealed something very personal about himself, something I doubted any of his other friends knew. It was an offering.
“I’ll remember that,” I said, twisting the cuff of my shirt in my hands. I glanced at the door. “Ava’s probably wondering where I’ve been.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sure your girlfriend is looking for you, too.” I think if I had a super power it would be to make an awkward situation more awkward. My ability to ruin a moment really was a curse.
His expression twisted in curiosity, but I used the opportunity to slip out of the room. I wasn’t ready to talk to him anymore, so I made my way back down the hallway. I did peek back to see him exit the room a couple of intentional seconds after I had. He didn’t follow me; instead he turned toward the kitchen. I couldn’t help but watch him go. His posture was tall and confident. There was no betrayal of the vulnerability he had just shown me.
As soon as I entered the room I found Ava, who beamed as she walked away from Christian. The older boy watched her walk toward me. Definitely interested. Go Ava.
“So you talked to him anyway?” I asked, knowing she’d won the bet and didn’t have to.
Her grin was wide enough to see almost all her teeth. “He came over to me! Oh my God, he’s so cute,” she snuck a look over her shoulder, “don’t you think?”
I caught myself giggling with her. “Yes, absolutely. He has the prettiest hands of any boy I’ve ever seen.”
“I know! He plays guitar.” She sighed, swoony and silly. Ava’s crush made me feel a little better about the talk Connor and I had just had in the pantry. “Of course I would fall for a musician. Typical.”
I could relate.
“So, how was Connor?”
Grimacing and punching her in the arm I whispered, “Thanks a lot. Leaving me stranded with him!”
“Like you would have done it on your own. What did he say?”
What did he say? That we formed a truce and a tentative friendship? That he needed me? My brain was still reeling around those words.
I shrugged. “Not much. He was okay.” I was such a liar.
Ava bumped my shoulder with hers. “I told you he liked you.”
“Whatever.”
She tossed her hair over her shoulder and placed her hands on her hips. “Jane! You’ve got to be kidding me. He’s definitely into you. I don’t know him well, but I do know he doesn’t waste time on girls he doesn’t like.”
“So how long are we going to stay?” I asked, not even pretending I wasn’t changing the subject.
“Fine. Ignore me. I talked to my boy. You talked to yours. And, well,” she gestured to the combined bodies of Julia and Brennan on the couch, “I think we should take her home before she finds photos of herself online in the morning.”
“Yes,” I said, enjoying the lightness of the party and feeling relieved that Connor and I had now agreed to play nice. “I think our work here is done.”
“WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” I asked the little girl standing next to me. Her hands were covered in gold paint and she had clumps of glitter in her dark hair.
“Jasmine,” she said, her brown eyes shining. She was adorable. The minute Ava and I walked in the door with our bags of art supplies, she had attached herself to my leg.
I smiled down at her, wishing we’d met under better circumstances. If she lived here then her life had to be difficult. “Jasmine? Like in the movie Aladdin?”
Pretty white teeth were exposed when she grinned. I assessed her project. “Do you think you covered it with enough paint?” I asked, touching the side of her star with my finger. “You missed a tiny spot right there.”
Jasmine bent her head down and smeared paint on the wooden star. We were making ornaments for the shelter Christmas tree, which was shoved in a corner of the main room. From what the shelter manager, Stephanie, told us, it was donated by a local chur
ch, but they needed ornaments for decoration.
I was in charge of the ornament table while Ava helped the children make cards for their mothers. She sat across the room with a small group of children on the floor with a pile of construction paper, markers, stickers, and glue. There were a total of fourteen children here, ranging from babies to around fifteen. After Jasmine completed her star, I helped several other children with theirs, and then sent them over to Ava to work on their cards.
“Excuse me,” I said to Stephanie, who carried a large load of laundry in her arms. “Can you tell me where I can wash out these brushes?” It was time to clean up and I figured I would get a head start while Ava finished with the children.
“Sure, follow me to the laundry room, there’s a work sink you can use.”
With my hands full of dirty brushes and the water cups we’d used during the project, I followed the large woman down the hallway to a small room. There were three washers and dryers, a work sink and a large table for folding and ironing clothes. She gestured to the sink and I poured the dirty water down the drain and turned on the faucet. Testing the water first to make sure it wasn’t too hot or cold, I cleaned the paint off the brushes. Feeling the need to break the silence I said, “Thanks for letting us come today—the kids were great.”
She turned and gave me an amused look. She probably thought I was just a kid, too—which I guess I was. “No, thank you girls for coming. It’s hard to find activities for the children to do over the holiday. Their moms need to work and they aren’t allowed to leave the grounds. We become babysitters.”
I stuck a brush under the rushing water and watched the gold paint wash out of the bristles. “That’s too bad. Do most of the families spend the entire holiday here?”
Stephanie poured a large scoop of white detergent into the washing machine and set the dials. They clicked loudly as she found the right setting. “They do. It’s not safe for them to go home right now.”
I considered Evan’s words from before, that coming here was dangerous. I asked Stephanie a couple more questions, but she wasn’t very forthcoming and I felt like I was being nosy. I stopped my line of questioning once the washers filled with water since it became too loud to talk to each other anyway. Plus, my brushes were clean. As I gathered my supplies I said, “We need to get a form signed for school. Can we bring it to you before we leave?”
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