Seeking PAVAD

by Calle J. Brookes

  “And that’s what you want from me?” Shannon whispered.

  “Yes. I want to grab on and not let go. Hell, I don’t know why I didn’t grab on before. Maybe I was the damned coward. You got under my skin the first time you looked at me with those eyes.” He lifted a hand, one finger brushing lightly against her cheek.

  “My eyes? But why?” She had ordinary brown eyes, neither too dark, or ultra-light. They were...brown. Shannon had never been the model perfect, ultra-glamorous type. Not ever going to happen. And she was ok with exactly who she was—and had been for a very long time. Since at least the time she’d left her awkward high school years behind. “What did I do?”

  “You smiled. You looked right at me and smiled. And then snarked at something I’d said. It was the snark that set me off.” His fingers dropped lower to brush her lower lip. “Every time you opened your mouth, I’d lose all sense of rationality. And that pissed me off. I’m sorry for that. That was all it took.”

  “Sure it was.” It had to be more than that. The two of them had been feuding from the moment they’d met.

  Until Smokey Jo’s.

  That had changed everything. Changed her.

  Hell, it was entirely probable that it had changed both of them in a way she would never fully understand.

  “It took an instant, and you were like a burr. I couldn’t shake you. Every time I saw you after that, I felt raw.”

  “And why is that my fault? You weren’t exactly pleasant to be around.” If anything, he’d done whatever he could to antagonize her. He’d almost sought her out just to pick at her.

  Until she was raw.

  “I’m sorry for that. But...you scared me. Still do. In so many ways. But I’m overcoming that. I’m great at overcoming obstacles.”

  “That’s what I am? An obstacle or a challenge? I can’t do casual, Ezra. I never have. I need more than that. And I need stability. You and I? We will never be that. Especially together.”

  His hand rose to cup her cheek. “Maybe we can be each other’s?”

  “What?”

  “Stability. Why does stability have to be some guy who stays home all the time? Why can’t we be one another’s stability?”

  Shannon felt her world rock again. He meant it.

  There was a world of hurt in that man’s eyes, and she didn’t have a clue what to say or do next.

  FIFTY-SIX

  SHANNON’S TEAM WAS pulled out the day after the pool party, and she was out of town for a week on that case.

  Her car was becoming more of an albatross every day. She didn’t have the time to get it fixed.

  She’d just have to wait, ask Kyra to take it to the mechanic for her—or consider renting a car. Since she never knew where she’d be from day to day with PAVAD, that didn’t make a lick of sense to her. So, the bus was going to have to be it.

  When her downtime finally rolled around, she approached it with more relief than anything.

  Mostly, she was going to just get some sleep before she crashed into a thousand pieces.

  She spent most of the first morning just cleaning. Her apartment looked neglected. Nothing was out of place, and she’d barely unpacked since moving in the week after she and Ezra had been rescued.

  It was just dusty. She gave it a good airing out and made it smell all lemony fresh. And completed her laundry. It was nice to be in shorts and a tank top again, and the warm August sun supported it. She opened all the windows and let the breeze waft in—just as someone rang her doorbell.

  Most likely, it was her new landlady. Kyra had mentioned stopping by soon. Especially if Cam was off working somewhere.

  Shannon wasn’t stupid—she checked the peephole before swinging it open.

  When she saw who was there, she thought about not answering. But that was the coward’s way. Her brothers would be ashamed if she hid in fear.

  He looked good—real good in his FCU T-shirt and jeans. “What are you doing here?”

  “Hello to you, too.”

  He had a box under one arm. With the emblem of the nearest chain auto parts store emblazoned across it. The other hand held a grocery bag. He held it out to her. “I brought dinner. There’s a small grill in my truck I’ll grab in a minute.”

  “Ok... Did you mean to hit Mia and Evan? Their new place is four blocks that way.”

  “Don’t be difficult. I’m going to fix your damned car. Cam mentioned it still wasn’t fixed. You’re going to feed me dinner in return.”

  Shannon peeked inside the bag. Some very expensive steaks, potatoes, salad, and even a bakery cake for two. Red velvet. Her favorite.

  She considered it for a moment. Dinner and dessert, plus her car fixed.

  All she had to do was open the door and let Ezra Hahn in. The man she’d once christened Attila the Hahn.

  My, how the world could change in an instant. “Come in. I have an appointment for the car on Tuesday. Tow truck was even supposed to come get it.”

  “Cancel it.” He brushed past her into her townhouse, bringing with him the scent of sunshine and man. “Like what you’ve done with the place. Smells good.”

  “Gee, thanks. I’ll...put this in a pan to marinate.” She had to do something. Get away from him long enough to figure out just what she was supposed to do next.

  Ezra had a way of screwing her head up without even trying.

  She risked a glance over her shoulder at him one more time. Just to see.

  He wasn’t looking at her, exactly. His eyes were trained on...her rear as she walked away.

  Heat bombarded her immediately, filling every ounce of her up—and pushing all her good sense right out her ears.

  Damn it. She was in serious trouble.

  THE SHORTS were frayed. If he squinted, he could almost see the thin edge of whatever scrap of lace she had under the lucky denim. Ezra’s fingers curled. He wanted to touch that smooth, warm brown skin again. To kiss it again.

  Shannon had a heart-shaped ring of freckles right behind her left knee. He’d discovered it as the morning sun had filtered through the hotel room window.

  He wanted to see if it was exactly as he’d remembered it.

  It, and everything else about her. She turned.

  “Put them back in your brain, Hahn. It’s impolite to stare at a woman’s—”

  “Ass? I can’t help it. I didn’t realize you had one until I got to see it for myself.”

  He smirked when those doe eyes of hers widened and heat hit her cheeks.

  “You’re the ass, Hahn. I thought we agreed to forget that night ever happened?”

  “I’ve tried. So far, I’m failing. I always did get failing grades—in girls.”

  “You give new definition to the term snarkasm, did you know that?”

  “Can’t help it. Comes from daily exposure to Cam Lake.” Ezra had made a decision. He wasn’t just there to fix her damned car. He was there because he couldn’t get her out of his head. And he didn’t want to.

  He wanted more from this woman.

  He wanted her in his head—and he for damned sure wanted her in his bed. He put the car part on the coffee table. And then he stalked the woman around her own living room.

  The eyes that had haunted him widened even more, but she didn’t even try to escape. If she’d taken even one step back, he would have slowed down. Stopped.

  But part of the fun was stalking Shannon, part of the thrill of the chase.

  They both knew that.

  Ezra got his hands on her, pulled the bag from her hands, and tossed it to the floor. “Come here.”

  “Ezra... What are you doing? I thought we agreed...”

  “We did. But haven’t you ever heard that a man can change his mind?” He smiled. He hadn’t missed the way she’d trembled, how her breath had caught. How her hands had reached toward him instead of pushing him away.

  He took the opportunity when it presented itself.

  He covered her lips with his own.

  FIFTY-SEVEN


  CHAS FORCED HIS breath to remain even and his hands steady. He bit back the curse that threatened. His camera dropped to the rooftop. He almost didn’t care.

  Ezra Hahn was down there, kissing Shannon. His Shannon.

  Why? Why would she let him do that?

  He understood why Ezra would want her. Any man who needed something more from life would. That innocent naivety that surrounded her, the sweetness that made a man feel like the world actually could be a good place, was more alluring than the best supermodel body out there.

  No wonder Ezra had put the moves on her.

  But...Shannon didn’t look too certain. Was Ezra pressuring her? Forcing her to do something she wasn’t ready for?

  He grabbed his camera again. This time, he did curse when he realized it had shattered his best telephoto lens.

  His next option was the rifle.

  It was only a matter of seconds until he had the sight aimed right into Shannon’s home.

  Where Ezra was helping her set the table.

  Chas had no choice.

  He had to get out of there.

  Before he put the rifle in his hands to good use.

  Chas broke the rifle down quickly and stored it in its case. Then he walked away.

  He had a damned job to do. It was time he did it, instead of letting himself get distracted by a woman who had barely looked at him.

  He was invisible. He knew that. He should just learn to live with it. To go on. But he just couldn’t look away.

  FIFTY-EIGHT

  SHE TOOK HIM something to drink. She didn’t know what else to do with him. He’d slipped out of his T-shirt as the heat intensified. She tried to ignore the sleek muscles and the way the sight of him made her fingers curl to touch.

  She couldn’t get the taste or touch of him out of her head already.

  That kiss of fire hadn’t helped matters.

  If her elderly neighbor hadn’t called to confirm that Ezra’s truck had a right to be parked in front of her place, they probably would have ended up on her couch together. A heck of a lot less dressed than they should have been.

  They’d gone off like dynamite the instant his lips had touched hers.

  She’d been practically clawing at him within seconds.

  It had been Ezra who had pulled back for her to grab the phone. It was all that had saved her from making the exact same mistake again.

  Shannon wasn’t stupid. All that he could want from her was temporary, casual. And she just couldn’t do that. Not permanently. Not any longer. Maybe five or ten years ago, before she’d figured out what she wanted from her future. But not now.

  He was exactly the kind of man she didn’t need.

  And she was just going to have to tell herself that over and over until she got the message.

  Then she’d make him understand that, too.

  It took him three hours to change out one alternator for another, then recharge her battery on a charger he’d had in that massive truck of his.

  By that time, she had the steaks ready, homemade salad dressing chilling in the fridge, and a handle on both her crazy nerves and her rampant hormones.

  And trying not to feel like a gooey idiot inside.

  It had been one of the most relaxing, most normal days she’d had with a man in a long time.

  That she owed it to him wasn’t lost on her. Dinner just didn’t compare to the cost of a mechanic and the inconvenience of it all.

  But it was more than that.

  He wasn’t just doing it to do. He was doing it for her.

  Kind of hard for her to forget that.

  FIFTY-NINE

  EZRA CLOSED THE hood of her small SUV and grunted. No doubt it would need a new battery soon, but he’d gotten it running for her. No more taking the bus clear across town at all hours of the night. Maybe Shannon could take care of herself, and she was always armed, but she didn’t look like she could.

  Assholes would look at her, as small as she was, and assume she was an easier mark. She’d be targeted for convenience sake.

  Statistics said it would happen, especially with her riding the damned bus at two a.m. If he had his way, she wouldn’t be out that late at all. Sexist of him, maybe. Hell, definitely. But he wanted to know she was as safe as she could be. Especially with her being all alone when his team was out of town, except for Mia Stephenson and Kyra.

  She came out, looking all sweet and sexy rolled into one, cold drinks in hand.

  Ezra just stopped and looked at her.

  Any man would be damned lucky to get her. He’d thought it before, but mostly in the context that he was determined not to be that man. He hadn’t wanted Shannon in his life. She complicated things too much.

  And he wasn’t even certain he’d be staying in St. Louis. At least, he hadn’t been certain he was until all that bullshit with Kyra and Cam had made it clear that he had friends here that he actually gave a damn about again.

  That hadn’t always been true. After he’d returned from Afghanistan, he hadn’t given much shit about anything. Cam and Leina—and to some extent, the rest of his team—had changed all that.

  Made him feel like he belonged. It had been a long damned time since that had happened.

  And then there was her.

  Ezra had fought with her from the very beginning. He shouldn’t have been so stupid that he’d missed seeing the signs for himself. Hell, Cam had teased him about Shannon almost daily. And had since that Texas nightmare when he’d first met her.

  Seemed everyone had known what was between him and her—except him and her.

  He took the glass she held out and ignored the mistrust and suspicion in her eyes. “Thanks. I think it’s fixed.”

  “Thank you. The steaks are ready.” She still eyed him like he was a snake. Like she was afraid of him. But once again, she didn’t back away.

  The fear was his own fault, no doubt. For being such an ass for so long. Now she didn’t trust him. He got that. Hell, he understood it too damned much.

  He couldn’t stand the thought that she was afraid of him. Ezra leaned down and covered her lips with his.

  SIXTY

  SOMETHING ABOUT EZRA made her beyond dumb. That was all Shannon could process when his lips were pressed against hers. That, and how perfect he felt. Smelled.

  Tasted.

  No, no, no. This was just not going to happen.

  Shannon forced herself to pull away. To put the resolution she’d made in her kitchen not even ten minutes ago into play. She had never been this wishy-washy over a man before in her life. Now was not the time to start. “Ezra...no. I won’t. We...can’t. We’re not like Kyra and Cam. Or Evan and Mia. Or Leina and Ken. We’re not like them.”

  “Why in the hell not?”

  “Because...they were meant to be together. We aren’t. It’s as simple as that.”

  “That’s bullshit. You can’t stand there and tell me that Cam and Kyra were meant to be together. Not those two. I don’t believe in that type of crazy fate. I believe in choices.”

  Neither did she. That was the crazy part of it. But...Ezra played everything so close to the vest. He was moody, secretive, gone all the time, and too damned mysterious for her.

  It scared her.

  Shannon knew herself well enough to admit that. He always had scared her. Made her doubt herself in ways she wasn’t ready to even think about.

  This was just another way he made her feel a little too off-balance.

  Afraid.

  Shannon pulled in a deep breath. The only way to effectively deal with fear was to conquer it. That had been her mother’s philosophy all throughout Shannon’s childhood. No need to break tradition. “You aren’t the guy for me. We both have admitted it and understand. I’m not sure why you came here today.”

  SIXTY-ONE

  BECAUSE HE COULDN’T not. It was as simple as that. But he wasn’t ready to tell her that. That would be a good way to send her running to the hills. Shannon was far more skittish than he would have ev
er expected. “You don’t need to be riding the damned bus at two in the morning.”

  “I’m perfectly capable of making my decisions, Ez. And I didn’t ask you to make any for me.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared up at him. “We both know that. So, the truth. And quit glaring at me like that. You know it drives me nuts when you look at me like I’m a bug.”

  He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay right where he was and just look at her until it was too dark to see her. And then he wanted to pull her back into her bed and show her all the ways she made him feel.

  It seemed like he’d stopped feeling for years.

  Until that damned cabin had made him feel far too much.

  Hell, he’d settle for just holding her for a while.

  “I’m not looking at you like that. I’m just...looking at you. Because I want to.” He downed the last of his drink, then sat the plastic tumbler down on the roof of her smaller SUV. “Because I want to be right here. And I want to know just what in the hell is so wrong with a guy like me that you won’t even try to see what can be there between us.”

  “I think I know exactly what it is between us. I can’t do casual sex, especially with someone I work with. Or someone who...” A look passed over her face that told him there was a story there, a history.

  “Who what? And I don’t believe that BS you gave me about needing some steady accountant-type waiting for you when you walk in the door. If stability and nine-to-five were what you craved, then you’d be the one doing it. So why the excuse?” He wiped his hands clean and then, before she could get away, wrapped his hands around her elbows. “Spill.”

  “It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth.” She didn’t want that life again. It was fine when it was just her. But she wasn’t about to get involved with some guy who was constantly going—that wasn’t in the plan. She’d seen exactly what that had done to her mother. Her father had been military, and until he’d retired when Shannon was fourteen, he’d been in and out of the house, almost like a ghost.