As I continued to tune into American Idol, seasons three through six, I have not been enthusiastic about it until this past season, seven. Season seven left me with an overwhelming feeling of excitement somewhat brought on by great talents and an embarrassing crush on Jason Castro. Because of my past experience, I decided NOT to write him any fan letters.
I am excited to hear from you in regard to my questions and although I have given up on the dream of being a celebrity for many different reasons and have been discouraged of the possibility of ever really getting to know my idol favorites, I had hope that you could bring these dreams alive for other hopeful fans on your show. It would be great to present true fans with the opportunity of meeting their favorite celebrities. After all…where would celebrities be if it weren’t for us fans?
I thought this may be my final attempt and my last shot at getting my questions answered and possibly a dream or two to come true. Then I thought, I may not ever have the life of a celebrity, I may not even want the life of a celebrity, but it is never too late to possibly meet one.
I have always been curious and unsure about the ups and downs of stardom and have always wondered about if I were ever offered the chance to be there if I would take it or not. It was like I needed that one on one chat with a star to get the answers for the closure I needed to make sure that I had no regrets in life.
As I am almost positive that I have made all the right choices, I will always hope and dream of meeting a celebrity, and not just any celebrity, but one that I am a great fan of.
I then started to think about what it might be like to be on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, sitting with and meeting Ellen, Clay and Jason.
There I was, sitting in the opposite chair of Ellen. I was surprised as she introduced first Clay and then Jason to the stage. I was living any fan’s fantasy. This was great because I realized that any time I wanted to add a little excitement to my life, I could come and hang out with my two favorite celebs. As they talked to me, they explained that even though celebrity status was great they wished that every now and then they could take a step back and enjoy life as it used to be. I told Clay that he could come over to the house with his significant other and the kids could play together.
As for Jason, I will be taking him to the beach. This is because when he was on the show American Idol he said that he liked the beach and wished he could spend more time there. That is one thing that we do have in common. I also love the beach, but what happens on the beach stays on the beach. Then, I woke up.
Even though it may be, again, a far-fetched idea, I started to see things a little more clearly and I realized that it really would be a dream come true. This is because I would be fulfilling something I had always wanted in my life, to keep the life that I had now but to be sitting in an atmosphere surrounded by three people who have all had a great influence on my life. Not just any three people but one who made me want to revisit a time in my life and to be something that I am not necessarily cut out for leading. Another, who made me realize that I am happy with what I have but still find time to accomplish what I dream of at my own pace along with excitement and fantasy. Lastly, one who could make all my dreams come true, who I let into my home every day because nowadays, it is extremely necessary to have a sense of humor and be able to laugh at the simplest of things. What would life be without laughter?
Although this is another dream that will probably never come true, writing my letter to Ellen started me thinking again and inspired me to finish writing my book. Sometimes, on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one.
Chapter 12
October People
As I was driving down Malden Street for a ride in the car with the kids, I decided to try to get back in touch with the roots where it all began. I miraculously ejected my Jason Castro CD and decided to listen to my Clay Aiken Measure of a Man CD. Listening, I began to smile as it quickly took me back in time to a place where I used to be. I knew that even though the obsession was not what it used to be, I would always have a “thing” for Clay Aiken.
As I seemed to be in a world of my own, my cell phone began to ring. It was Bryce. As we said our good mornings, he said in a sarcastic tone, “What are you listening to?”
I asked him why, at first assuming he was busting on me because I was not listening to my Jason CD, a very rare occurrence.
He said, “No really, what are you listening to?”
I said, “Clay…why?”
Then he said, “Did you hear?”
I asked, “Hear what?”
He responded, “Clay came out.”
I responded, “Oh, okay whatever, really funny.”
I really thought that he was teasing me because this was not the first time that he joked about Clay being gay. Then he said, “No really, it’s all over the radio and he is going to be on the October issue of People magazine. He said that he didn’t want to raise his son thinking that he had to lie or hide things.” He then had my attention.
As I cannot explain how I was feeling in my complete moment of silence it was as if someone had just told me that dreams and fantasies could no longer exist.
I finally said, “Are you serious?”
He was actually sincere when he said, “Yeah, Sweetie. I wanted to tell you before you heard because I knew you were going to be crushed.” I then said, “No, not really. I think I’m actually fine with it because I guess I always knew that it was a possibility.”
As we said our goodbyes I continued to drive with a blank stare. My eyes filled up with tears and I quickly got myself together and called my mom who is also a fan. She, too, had already heard the news.
I continued with my daily routine and made a pit stop at Dunkin Donuts for the usual medium iced coffee with cream and sugar and some munchkins for the kids. I then returned home. My mood was very somber and depressed.
A couple of hours later I called Bryce at work. As he picked up the phone, I said, “I think I’m grieving or something.”
He said, “I knew you would be.”
“I really did not think this would bother me but I almost cried like three times today.” He began to laugh as I was laughing too, but almost crying at the same time.
As my day went on, taking care of the kids, cleaning up and waiting for Bryce to come home, it was constantly weighing on my mind.
That night as I was cleaning up the kids toys in the family room, I started to cry. As Bryce came into the room, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
I replied, “Nothing.”
Bryce then said, “What is it, oh no, it’s not…Clay?” He started laughing and left the room as I again was laughing and crying at the same time.
I think that these laughing crying combinations were a direct vent of both feeling silly and ridiculous, but also feeling like a small piece of me had died.
It did not help that as I was cleaning up, the television in the background aired shows like Entertainment Tonight and Extra which kept showing clips over and over again of people’s reactions of the Clay news. I could not help but want to slap Simon Cowell’s face off his measly little neck. I always felt that Simon never liked Clay. I am not quite sure why but he has always talked about him with negative connotations.
I started to rethink the whole controversy that had happened on the Regis and Kelly Show. When Clay put his hand over Kelly Ripa’s mouth to shut her up and she said, “I don’t know where that hand has been,” I’m not sure it was a homophobic comment. I honestly think he embarrassed her and she wanted to embarrass him back. To me, it seemed like she was being a little overconfident and she made herself look petty by saying that. She has been known to do the same thing to Regis several times in the past and he never made a big thing of it. I think she let her ego get the best of her. It was not becoming of her and I always liked her until she pulled that stunt and then never apologized. At least be a big enough person to admit when you’re wrong and move on.
Upon further reflection, I started to think th
at it was a good thing that my obsession was not as passionate. Maybe my new obsession with Jason Castro had worked as a buffer to a reaction that may have been much worse.
I had called Aunt Carol to tell her the news and because I had heard that Clay was going to be on Good Morning America and wanted her to find out for me when the Diane Sawyer interview was going to be on. As she had not heard the news, she had asked, “Did you really think he was not gay?”
“Well, I always knew it was a possibility but it was never really confirmed.”
In truth, I never really thought he was gay until I heard about the in vitro. It was kind of a sure sign but as it was still not confirmed, I never wanted to believe it until it came from the horse’s mouth. Now that it had, I guess I had to deal with the feelings that came along with it, never knowing how I really would. It’s hard to anticipate a reaction to something until it actually happens and you are faced with it.
When Aunt Carol called me back, she said that the first part of the Diane Sawyer interview was already online on the Good Morning America website and that there would be a second part the next morning. She told me that when I told her the news, all she could think about was Uncle Tony. This is because Uncle Tony always used to tease me about my obsession with Clay. He always would refer to him as Rueben.
Uncle Tony passed away almost 4 years ago after a courageous fight with cancer. It was a very sudden diagnosis that shocked us all. He went very quickly and I can’t even come to grips with the fact that he has already been gone for almost 4 years.
Uncle Tony was like a second father to me. When I married Bryce, I never felt accepted. It was always very difficult for me to deal with this. Not to sound egotistical but I never had to deal with the feeling of not being liked in my adult years. Not that I can remember, anyway. I pride myself on being a nice person and going out of my way to be there and do for others. Therefore, it never made sense to me. I have been known to forgive but to never forget. I guess that means I am a big grudge holder. I feel like forgetting about the past means that you would never learn from it, never become a stronger person, which I feel I have from many negative experiences in my life. Although things happen in life that suck, I do believe that it makes you stronger.
Aunt Carol and Uncle Tony always made me feel like part of the family. Uncle Tony and I had a special bond and sometimes I felt as if only he could understand my difficulties with people to my silly obsessions such as my love for Clay Aiken. Although he always joked, he never made me feel bad about myself for my silly hang-ups which secretly were my passions. I miss him a lot and know that if he were still here, I would have received more than one phone call so he could pick on me a little, or maybe a lot.
I tuned into The Diane Sawyer interview, parts one and two. Shortly after that, my mom delivered me the October People. I felt bad for Clay because even though I will never know what he was going through, I do realize that coming to grips with his sexuality and then having to tell it to the rest of the world must have been difficult. Not everyone in this world is open to homosexuality and it is because they do not understand it.
Clay is right when he said that some of his fans will not be okay with it because they won’t. As a true fan, I can only speak for myself.
I believe that being gay is not a choice. I think that some males are born with a female psyche and some females are born with a male psyche. There is no way of controlling that.
I am not bothered by the fact that Clay is gay per the reasoning of most people. I accept him for who he is and it doesn’t change the fact that he is still a great guy with an amazing talent who will probably be a great dad. Rather, my sadness stems from the fact that there are now a lot of happy gay males out there and a lot of depressed straight females, not ever having a chance to get with Clay Aiken. The depression is all about his sexuality putting an end to the fantasy.
Funny but true, I will admit the reality of Clay coming out killed the fantasy for me for a short while. On the other hand, I was able to work through it with some deep thought and self-realization. I realize that I have as much of a chance of having a slumber party with Clay Aiken as I do with Jason Castro or any other celeb for who most women fantasize. It is only a fantasy, although part of that fantasy is the hope of it possibly happening. That’s what keeps us dreaming. Therefore, through it all, I guess I will just have to settle for a Will & Grace type of relationship with my boy Clay. I just hope that Jason is straight.
Chapter 13
Reality and the Expectations of the Fan
For six years, I have been searching for answers to questions and feeling like the only people who could possibly give me the answers I was looking for were unreachable, untouchable…stars.
I started thinking about why we as a society get so ridiculously caught up in the celebrity scene. I wondered why it is that we get so sucked in by television shows like American Idol.
With my counseling background, I started to analyze some of the different possibilities of why we think the way we do based on my own personal experience, the American Idol experience.
I do believe that many people reach a point where they look back on their lives and wonder where they would be if they took a different path. When we admire someone excessively and refer to them as our idol or hero, is it because there is a part of us who wishes we could be where they are? Is it because deep down we once had a dream that we didn’t follow through and we are envious? Three years ago, I feared that maybe I fit into this category.
When I first discovered the television show American Idol which started my huge obsession with Clay Aiken, it started to bring me back to a place where I once was in my life. As I revisited those times in my mind, I had some regrets about not pursuing a career as a vocalist. I suppose I never had the self-esteem or the push or shove from anybody substantial in my life to follow that dream. I just thought it to be unrealistic and thought I was just young and stupid, wishing for something I felt would never happen and never really thinking I was good enough to get anywhere with it. I guess I will always wonder if I really was ever good enough. I started to feel that maybe I had missed out on something and that it was too late for me to do anything about it because I was too old and I waited too long.
As I was going through this time in my life, I decided to start singing again. I began taking some voice lessons by none other than my junior high music teacher. I thought that even though I could sing well, I didn’t have an outstanding range or a lot of power. I thought that maybe there was a secret to it all that I just wasn’t getting, that maybe I wasn’t using my voice correctly and maybe I could learn something new and become better.
I also had my heart set on going to a recording studio and recording my own CD. I asked David if he would accompany me on acoustic guitar. David convinced me not to pay the money to go to a recording studio, that recording had been something that he had wanted to learn to do and that we could do it right in his condo. We started with the song “Underneath It All” by No Doubt, one of my favorite bands. David liked them, too.
As I was excited about my accomplishment, my brother seemed exhausted from the recording since for him it was a lot more work because he played and recorded every instrument beforehand. He had said that if we did any more covers that it would have to be music we both liked because it was a lot of work and he wanted to enjoy it. Although he does like No Doubt, there were some other songs I was looking to cover that he did not like, for example, “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” by KT Tunstall.
We had decided that our second song would be “Animal Instinct” by the Cranberries. After our third pick, Norah Jones’ “Don’t Know Why,” he seemed to get a little more disinterested. It was like pulling teeth to get him to work a fourth which was Jewel, “You Were Meant for Me.” It is my least favorite on the CD. It was right before that recording that he had told me that four songs would be it.
David had wanted to start concentrating on writing his own music and recording on his own. I wa
s a little hurt and angry and both discouraged and sad. I was having a lot of fun and I felt as if the CD was a personal accomplishment. I did have plans to make more of it at the time. Even though I was crushed, I did understand that he had his own goals. I personally seem to think it was more important for him because he still had a chance of pursuing a career in music where in reality it was only a dream for me. He far surpassed me in musical talent and he had nothing holding him back.
I had given the CD to Bryce’s cousin Laney, another who had always been supportive of me when I came into the family. She first worked at Random House and then worked her way up to a publicist in New York City. I was hoping she had some connections and could do something with it for me.
Since she liked the CD, she started telling me some of the things that I needed to do to go forward with it. It was at that moment that I realized that this was not in the cards for me. No matter how much I had dreamed of having a career in the music industry, it was just way to far from my reach, especially at this time in my life. I was married with children and not the type of person who likes change for that matter.
It took me a while to come to grips with the fact that my love for music was nothing but a most enjoyed hobby. Just as I expressed in my letter to Ellen, I finally accepted that this type of life was not for me, that I wasn’t even sure if I wanted it, and it was something I needed to accept on my own. With the unanswered questions in my mind and the unanswered letters to my most admired idol from my favorite television show, I never got the closure for which I was looking.
I wondered at times if the show American Idol was more of an obsession than the actual crush I had on its particular artists like Clay Aiken and Jason Castro. The show itself was a means of taking a person just like me and giving them an opportunity of a lifetime, one that I never got because when I was twenty-five, the show did not exist. Then I asked myself, if it did, would I have auditioned? I don’t know the answer to this question.
Reaching Out to the Stars Page 8