by Susan Laine
Toby pursed his lips. “A clinic, huh? That’s a nice way to put it.”
Jimmy glanced at Toby, his curiosity far from sated. “Did you fuck any of your roomies?”
Toby’s cheeks pinked. “I don’t kiss and tell.” He smirked as he peeked at Jimmy under his brows. “Did you?”
“Yeah. Twice.”
“With Denis?”
“Nah. Jesus, that would’ve been… hell. No, this was another guy. Felix.”
Toby cocked his head. “Wow. I never imagined people were really called that.”
“What’s wrong with Felix?”
“Nothing. Never met a Felix is all.”
Toby shrugged, shifting his focus out the window. The wind had picked up since they had stopped for lunch at Subway, and dark clouds gathered above them, puffy and deep blue. Every time they reached an open area—a field or farmland—the car would shake as a gust hit the side. Though it was late afternoon, the sky was already dark—a shade of indigo that boded summer storms.
“Did you love him?” Toby asked. He was staring away from Jimmy. He wasn’t smiling.
“No. Did you love the guys you slept with?”
“No.” Toby sounded regretful saying it.
“You wish you had?”
Toby shrugged again, but this time there wasn’t a trace of indifference. “Sometimes. It’d be easier if I had felt something. I liked them. Two of them I liked a lot. But… it never became more.” He frowned and looked down at his hands, fidgeting in his lap. “I told myself that I was too young to feel that way. That they weren’t the right guy. That I had my studies to focus on.”
Jimmy wasn’t sure he understood. “Did, uh, any of them… say they loved you?”
When Toby sighed, Jimmy had his answer. “Yes. One did. He said it once. When I didn’t say it back, he never said it again. We broke up soon after that.”
“I’m sorry, Toby,” Jimmy murmured—even though secretly he was relieved Toby hadn’t fallen in love with someone. That made Jimmy a selfish asshole, and he knew it.
Toby rubbed a hand across his forehead and mused, “There are three kinds of people who go to college. Those who just want to study and realize their dream career; those who want to party and experiment and go wild; and those who’re already seeking their significant other, be it wives or husbands, building a life with another person instead of earning a degree.”
“And this guy was the latter?” Jimmy confirmed for himself.
“Yeah. Aaron wore his heart on his sleeve. Nothing I could do about that.” Toby’s tone took on a sharp edge.
“You regret the way you handled things?” Jimmy asked.
“Sort of. I could have tried to explain to him that I wasn’t ready to settle down and….”
“And that you weren’t in love with him,” Jimmy finished for him.
“Yeah.” Toby shook his head, clearly vexed with himself. “The thing is, he was a nice guy. There was nothing wrong with him. He could be emotionally a bit intense, but not, like, insane. He just wanted someone to love and who loved him back. That’s a normal wish for people, isn’t it?”
Jimmy gulped, trying to find his voice, buying time with a cough to clear his thoughts. “If there’s one thing in this world that’s super complicated, it’s love. There are different kinds of love, various levels and stages of love, and so on. But one thing I can say with absolute certainty, and it’s that love can’t be forced. It’s either there or it isn’t. It’s not your fault that you didn’t feel the same way. The heart wants what the heart wants, you know?”
Toby smiled ruefully as he met Jimmy’s gaze. Toby’s blue eyes shone in the dim lighting of the darkening day. “Yeah, I know. Guess I just needed to hear someone say it out loud.” He leaned back against the headrest. “I suppose I just felt kind of guilty for having sex with him and not loving him.”
Jimmy grunted. “Sex and love have nothing to do with each other.”
He realized he’d said the wrong thing the second he saw Toby go tense and silent out of the corner of his eye. What he said was true from a certain point of view. One thing didn’t necessarily lead to the other.
Jimmy grasped that Toby believed he was referencing their relationship and the casual sex they’d had on their summer ride. How could he convey to Toby that the assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth, since nothing about their relationship was casual?
At least without using the word love—even though the mere whisper of that word made his heart sing now that he’d found Toby again?
That was stupid, Jimmy chastised himself. One couldn’t fall in love in the span of a few days. Especially not out on the road, on the run from one’s problems, trying to escape one’s life. It wasn’t a realistic scenario or a realistic expectation to… to….
Jimmy sighed inwardly. He couldn’t even finish the thought in his own head. How could he when his heart rebelled? Not to mention his dick, which had a direct line of communication open with his heart.
“I’ve never said it to anyone either,” Jimmy finally confessed. He kept his eye on the road, afraid to so much as steal a glimpse of Toby. “Never felt it. Fucked a lot of guys since prelaw and later in law school. It’s like a pressure cooker in there. So you let off steam. No one’s ever said it to me. That much I know.”
“Maybe some of them felt it but never found the courage to say it,” Toby remarked.
Jimmy licked his lips nervously. If that were true, it would change things, wouldn’t it? Had he known his bedmates loved him…. Jimmy hated to admit it, but he’d probably have walked away. He wasn’t ready for love with all the other shit to deal with it. No time for love.
“I’m glad that Aaron guy said it to you,” Jimmy said then, surprised that he meant it. “That you got to feel it, even if for a time. I know you’ll meet that perfect guy one day, and then—”
“Don’t,” Toby snapped, his voice cold as ice. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
Jimmy felt rotten; he was a coward. Again, he heard loud and clear what Toby left unsaid. Jimmy took a fortifying breath. Toby had given Jimmy the courage to face his actions and return to Boston to pay the price for his mistakes. If Jimmy didn’t go all the way now, he never would. And yes, he’d fucking regret it for the rest of his life.
“I don’t know what will happen to me when I go back to Boston,” Jimmy muttered. “But… I want you to know that I… I’m falling for you, Toby. Falling hard. And I know it’s selfish ’cause I can’t ask you to wait for me if I go to jail. It wouldn’t be fair to you. And besides, we’ve only just met again. You were my best friend, now my lover. Things are so damn messy that I….”
He stammered for more but his brain felt like jelly, sloshing around in his skull, unable to solidify for a second to form a coherent thought.
“I’m falling for you too,” Toby whispered. Jimmy faced him in an instant, almost swerving the car onto the grass before he corrected the movement and stayed in his lane. Toby took Jimmy’s nearest hand from the steering wheel and interlaced their fingers. “It’s not your place to say what I should or shouldn’t do with my life. If I choose to wait for your lily-white ass while you pump iron with your prison homies—”
Jimmy burst into guffaws. “My fucking what?”
Toby chuckled. “All I know is that I can’t turn my feelings on and off at the drop of a hat. I wasn’t sure if I felt this way ’cause of all the bullshit going on in our lives. Diversion or emotional escapism? I don’t know. I do have doubts. But I also know I haven’t felt this way about anyone but you. I’d like to see where this thing between us could go.”
His expectant tone gifted Jimmy all the certainty he could ever have asked for. “Me too. I would’ve said the same thing, only you said it better. And here I thought I was the eloquent bard.”
Toby laughed. “Troubadour, attorney. You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to.”
Jimmy chimed in. It was all in the phrasing. Even love.
Chapter 20
AFTER THEY’D shared a meal—tacos and nachos at a Mexican fast-food joint—it was Toby’s turn to drive. It soon became awfully apparent why spicy food didn’t mix well with confined spaces like cars.
“Jesus, knock it off, will you?” Toby called out as he pushed a button to open the windows for some much-needed ventilation.
“Sorry. Can’t exactly keep it in.” Jimmy looked so hurt, his cheeks red, that Toby felt bad.
“No, I’m sorry. I know.” To lighten the mood, Toby nudged his slumped partner. “Tell me a story. A sexy story.”
Jimmy quirked an eyebrow. But his lips twitched with barely pent-up laughter. “What ever happened to not kissing and telling?”
“You’re not kissing now, buddy, so c’mon. Give it up.”
“No.” Jimmy crossed his arms, appearing adamant in his refusal. “You first.”
“Okay.” Toby knew which story to start with. “So this one guy I slept with, we were doing the rubbing thing—”
“Frotting,” Jimmy cut in like some annoying sexpert.
“Yeah, whatever.” Toby rolled his eyes. “Anyway, it was a hot day. Our stomachs touched. Then they stuck together. When we drew apart after a particularly tight embrace, there was a sound of suction, like a really tight fart. We pulled apart, blinked at each other for like five whole seconds in complete silence, and then started cackling like hyenas.”
Jimmy laughed. Toby was relieved the mood had gone from smelly to funny. “You know, I don’t think you told that right,” Jimmy remarked, smirking. “Was that supposed to be sexy?”
Toby shrugged. “Amusing sexy. Got you, didn’t it?”
Jimmy bowed his head. “Okay, fine, yeah. You got me. So I was with this guy whose idea of foreplay was these featherlight touches. Like he was afraid to really grope, you know? Anyway, he started to tickle me.”
Toby snickered. “You hate being tickled.”
“Yup, that about sums it up. I ended up kneeing him in the balls. By accident, I swear.”
“Uh-huh. Sure it was. You’ve got a lot of hidden resentment.”
“Careful, baby. Don’t make me pull out my flogger.”
“Pull out your what?” Toby giggled.
Jimmy gave him the stink eye. Then he narrowed his gaze. “Speaking of kink, we’ve established you’re good at dirty talk but didn’t do it with me because you weren’t sure I’d like it. Did you ever do it with anybody?”
Toby sighed. “It’s not always appreciated during sex. As an engineer-in-training, I work with my hands, so I’m silent a lot. I’d kind of like to be more talkative in bed. The trashier, the better. But it can go wrong.”
Jimmy cocked his head, as if assessing. “Gimme an example.”
“Okay, here’s a tale where I started and it didn’t go so well.” Toby took a deep breath. “So I’d been sort of silent running all day. Classes where I didn’t so much as utter a syllable. Lunch break without company. And so on. When I hooked up, I thought, wouldn’t it be nice to just let out a little steam, like a hot and vulgar fencing match?”
Jimmy chuckled. “Uh-oh….”
“So while we’re making out—me and this guy I met at work who was a customer, not a coworker—I start out with a few chosen obscene expletives. After a minute or two, he pulls back, gives me an odd look, and tells me there’s a place for that sort of shit: a comedy club at a brothel, not here.”
“He used the word brothel?” Jimmy whistled low. “What a pretentious douchebag.”
Toby chuckled. “He was the strong, silent type, without being very strong. It kind of sucked ’cause I found myself getting turned on by it. Felt like a rug was pulled out from under me. Wasn’t a good night, that.”
“Well, college is all about figuring shit out,” Jimmy mused wisely. “Sometimes it’s easy to learn stuff, like whether you’re into boys or girls. Other times it’s harder, like seeing if you’re a top, a bottom, or a switch, ’cause you’re with equally inexperienced guys and no one really knows what the hell they’re doing.”
Toby nodded. “You said for you it was a process. Straight, bi, gay.”
For Toby, it had been a simple revelation. Seeing a hot guy, said guy seeing him, and the two of them getting hot and heavy in a dorm room. After two mind-blowing orgasms, it was a done deal. He was so gay. Super gay. No doubt about it.
Jimmy nodded. “Yeah. I mean, for a while I was attracted to both sexes, or I thought I was. But later I stopped thinking about girls and sex. They just didn’t do it for me anymore. Guys did. Still do.” He leered at Toby. “As evidenced by recent events.”
After all the teasing, Toby had an idea. They were headed back to Boston, so they needed a bit of fun until then. “If you’re willing, there’s something I want to try with you.”
Jimmy’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. He visibly gulped. But his hazel eyes burned behind his glasses, which began to steam up. He removed them and placed them on the dashboard. “Okay, I’m listening.”
Toby buzzed with excitement. He’d never felt confident enough to test the waters with his sexual partners. Jimmy seemed eager to play. “You’re going to have to sit completely still. Do not move an inch.”
Jimmy frowned in obvious bafflement. “That’s the challenge? Mannequin?”
Toby chuckled wickedly. “Nope. You’re going to listen and sit still—while I talk dirty.”
Jimmy’s eyes darkened, and he licked his lips. “O-okay. What if I get a boner? That count as moving? Not like I have a choice in the matter.”
“It’s fine. Ready?” Toby watched as Jimmy rested his palms over his thighs and took a pose, like a sitting statue. So in a low, seductive voice, Toby purred, “If you close your eyes, can you still taste me?”
Jimmy gurgled something unintelligible. He looked like he was about to shift on his seat but then didn’t. Instead he merely shivered. Toby observed the reaction with a victorious smirk. Yes, this was going so well.
“I sure can taste you, baby,” Toby drawled. “That beautiful ass of yours. Makes me want to pull the car onto the shoulder, roll you over, yank your ass up to my face, and just tongue-fuck you for hours. And no, I wouldn’t give a shit that every car passing us would see me licking your ass.”
“Ngh….” The sound escaping Jimmy’s throat was gravelly and animalistic. He gripped his thighs so hard his knuckles went white and his jeans wrinkled. But he didn’t move.
“I’d seal my lips around your hole,” Toby continued to murmur. “I’d suck and lick and lap. I’d stick my tongue in there, so deep I could feel you fluttering around me. You’d moan and scream and cry out. You’d quiver and shudder and jolt. I’d taste your deepest desires.”
“Gawd…,” Jimmy whispered. His gaze locked on the street ahead. His lips were parted, and his breath came out in rapid pants. His cheeks and neck were ruddy, and Toby saw his pulse throbbing in his jugular. How long could the man last?
“Then I’d shove you out of the car, a hot fucking mess, sweaty and reeling. I’d pull you to the grass, make you kneel on your hands and knees, bend you over, and then I’d push my thick dick inside your open, begging hole. I’d fuck you so good, Jimmy. Long and hard and deep. You’d plead for me to let you come.”
Jimmy could no longer sit still. The bulge on the front of his jeans had grown. A wet spot formed there. His hips were shimmying slightly, as if he were dry-humping. He had a death grip on his jeans. Beads of sweat trickled down his temples and neck. His lips trembled. From his vantage point, Toby couldn’t see his eyes but knew Jimmy’s pupils would be blown. He was on the edge.
Toby continued torturing Jimmy with a lascivious litany of pornographic promises, sweet swears, and inviting imagery. He spoke every dirty word he knew, declared his intentions to the last delicious detail, and noted every response from Jimmy to his sexy and slutty slang.
Finally Jimmy broke. “Oh God, Toby, please, park the car somewhere and do me. Now.”
Ten minutes later they’d discovered a rest area with a patch of trees hiding them
once they had parked just right. One minute after that, Toby bent Jimmy over the hood of the car, rammed his cock inside a willing ass, and fucked the guy exactly as promised: long and hard and deep.
And all the while they were doing it, Toby knew in his soul that Jimmy was the man he’d waited for. Friendship had cemented the groundwork. Sex had showed him they clicked in and out of bed. Each and every conversation since they’d met in first grade proved that, whether loving or arguing, they could make things work.
“Toby, yes. Toby, please. Oh, Toby….” Jimmy’s moans grew louder. Toby had to turn Jimmy’s head back and crash their mouths together to stop the flow of raucous prayers. Tremors wracked Jimmy’s body; Toby could tell he was crying again. Catharsis or mental collapse. Toby soothed him by rubbing his back until he calmed down.
Long strokes turned to fast thrusts as they both lost control, Toby pushing in, Jimmy pushing out. Even through the blood rushing in his ears, Toby could hear faint voices from the rest area. Jesus. He ramped up his speed and brought them both to a crashing climax.
Much to his surprise, Toby felt great. Not once since the first time he and Jimmy had had sex had Toby thought about Fisher. Huh. Guess the ordeal really was expunged from his mind and body. He couldn’t have been more thrilled. Finally Toby could move on with his life.
Jimmy sagged against the hood, panting. “You can… talk dirty to me… anytime.”
Toby giggled. “Happy to oblige.”
They cleaned up and got dressed swiftly and then drove back to the highway. It was still early evening, and they hadn’t planned to stop until nightfall, for dinner and a night at a motel.
Jimmy regaled Toby with a tale of the first time he’d fucked in the back seat of a car. The hand brake had come loose, and the car had rolled downhill and ended up busting the fence of his sex partner’s neighbor. She’d been grilling outside and merely laughed at two naked dudes emerging from a vehicle with a busted, smoking front.