by Nina Levine
He’s at the bar getting a drink. “You wanna share a joint with me?” he asks.
“No, but I’ll come talk to you.”
As we walk outside, he says, “Are you not having any because you don’t wanna get high around my parents? Is this a whole side to Scarlett McKenzie I never knew existed?”
I laugh. “Well, there is that. But my family can’t touch drugs without getting addicted, so I’ve always had a hard rule about not even trying them.”
We find a seat outside that’s kind of hidden away. “Smart. I don’t do anything other than this. It helps relax me sometimes.”
“How’s tonight going for you?”
“I’m glad I came, because Dad and I had a conversation that was probably the best one we’ve ever had, but at the same time, I’m stressed just being in the same room as Brett, which is fucking odd since it’s been years and he wasn’t even the one who hurt me. My brain is screwing with me.”
“That’s what brains do so well. Do you feel like you and your dad made progress?”
“Yes. He did something he’s never done before. He apologised to me for not listening to what I needed.”
“He’s never apologised for anything ever or he’s never apologised over this?”
“Ever. Dad’s not a man who says sorry easily. To Mum, yes, but not to anyone else.”
“So this is huge.”
“Yeah, this is huge.” He smiles. “Thank you for kicking my ass over my inability to realise that I needed to come home and sort this out.”
“Well, it’s easier to kick someone else’s ass, isn’t it? Harder to sort our own shit out.”
He settles back in his chair. “Tell me the story of Scarlett and her shit.”
“The story of Scarlett,” I muse. “It’s not a fun story.”
He shrugs. “But it’s yours, and you’re mine, so it’s kinda mine now too.”
I shake my head. “And you’re not even high yet.”
“Well, what’s yours is mine and vice versa. That’s how us Miller boys roll.”
I stare at him for a long moment before finally saying, “My mother was a prostitute who made extra cash from it by forcing her daughters to watch.”
Full points to Paul for not reacting in any way except to say, “She made you and your sister watch her get fucked?”
“Yeah. Some of her clients were into kids being involved.”
“Fuck, that’s some fucked-up shit.”
I look out at the inky night. “Yeah, it is.”
A man approaches as we sit in silence. He’s got his eyes on Paul with the kind of dark intensity that makes me sit up and pay close attention. When I see the way Paul reacts to him, I know deep in my bones this is the motherfucker who messed him up.
“Long time, no see, Pauly,” he drawls.
Paul visibly fucking shrinks which causes the guy to laugh like he’s the king of the fucking world.
“You’re still as fucking gay and pansy as you always were,” the guy says, making a move like he’s about to reach for Paul.
I jump out of my chair and stand in between them, blocking his access to Paul. “You put a finger on him, I will make you fucking hurt, asshole.” I fucking will too. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve got old shitty memories filling my head or whether it’s that I care so much for Paul, but there’s a raging need in me to defend the fuck out of him, and I will do whatever that takes.
The guy glares at me. “Do you have any idea who I am, bitch?”
“Yeah, you’re the asshole who bullied and beat Paul up when he wasn’t able to defend himself.”
“Correction,” he snarls. “He was able to defend himself. He was just too fucking gay to do it.”
“You say gay like it’s a bad thing.”
“Because it fucking is.”
“And yet you’re gay yourself.” It’s a hunch, but a strong one.
His face reddens and clouds over. “Watch your fucking mouth. I’m married with a baby on the way.”
“Doesn’t make you any less gay.”
He takes a step toward me at which point I knee him in the balls so fucking hard he falls to the ground in pain.
“When you asked me if I knew who you are, I forgot to add one thing. I forgot to mention you’re the motherfucker who raped Paul before beating him up.” I’m only just holding myself back from kicking him in the fucking face while he’s down on the ground. When I spot the gun he’s carrying in a holster, I grab it. He attempts to fight me for it, but I’m too quick for him and have it to his temple before he can stop me.
Paul sucks in a breath.
“That true, Don?” Wilder’s voice sounds from behind, blacker than black.
Don looks at Wilder, who steps next to me. “Keep your bitch in line, Miller. She repeats that lie, I’ll fucking find a way to have you both thrown in jail.”
“Oh, goodie,” I spit out. “Free rent and food.” I press the gun harder to him. “I’m not fucking scared of men like you, Don. I’ve met you all before and not lost a fight yet. And if you think I won’t shoot you, try me. It’d make my day to end your sorry life.”
Wilder looks at Paul, raw pain on his face. “Did he rape you?” That pain on his face? It clings to every word he utters too.
Tears stream down Paul’s face.
His torment is so great he can’t speak.
He simply nods.
Wilder snaps. It’s as if the space his body takes up howls outward in a gush of wild, angry energy. Every muscle strained. Every ounce of attention focussed completely on one task as his dark eyes come to mine. “Give me the gun, Scarlett.”
“No.”
“Give it to me. You’re not getting involved in this shit.”
I push my shoulders back. “You should know me well enough by now to know I make my own decisions, Wilder. And right now, I’m deciding to get involved in this shit.”
“Fuck. You’ll be the fuckin’ death of me.”
“It’ll be a nice end, though, won’t it?”
He shakes his head, and before I know it, he’s got the gun from me and pointed at Don as he barks, “Get the fuck up.”
“What are you doing?” I say, pissed that he took the gun.
“I’m taking this elsewhere. You’re staying with Paul.” When I open my mouth to argue, he says, “This isn’t an argument you’ll win, Cherry Bomb, so don’t even fuckin’ try.”
“You’re no fun.”
“Can you take care of my brother? Please?”
“Only because you asked so nicely. Next time I get in on the action too.”
There’s more shaking of his head before he directs Don to “Get the fuck up and start fuckin’ walking.”
I watch him walk Don down the street in the direction of where he parked his father’s truck earlier. When I can’t see them anymore, I turn to Paul, who’s staring at me in shock.
“How did you know?” he asks.
“I took a wild guess based on all the shit I’ve seen in my life. I’m sorry it came out like that, but I’m not sorry it came out. He needs to pay for what he did to you, and you need to heal.” I pause as a thought hits me. “Shit, you Miller boys are fucking me up, because now I’m feeling bad and hoping you’ll forgive me for putting it out there if you weren’t ready for it to be out there.”
Paul wipes his tears and takes the time he needs to get his thoughts in line. My thoughts take the opportunity to swerve all over the damn place. It’s not a word of a lie that Paul and Wilder muddle me. Consider me all the way muddled right now.
“I’ve already forgiven you,” he says. “There was nothing to forgive.”
“Thank fuck, ’cause I like you in a way I don’t like many people.”
“I thought it would be harder, worse somehow, if Justin knew the full story, but it doesn’t feel at all like I thought it would.”
“You mean you thought you’d feel ashamed? Like you were part of something dirty? Like you were to blame?”
He stares at
me. “Fuck, you’ve been through this too?”
“No, I wasn’t raped, but I know these feelings.” I pause. “I haven’t told Wilder any of this yet.”
“It’s your story to tell when you’re ready.”
My brain does this weird thing, like a chain reaction of locks unlocking, one after the other, allowing a thousand hidden thoughts to tumble out. Thoughts I’ve never laid eyes on.
I haven’t wanted to tell Wilder any of this because I didn’t think he would take the proper care with it. Hell, I’ve never told anyone this shit because of that reason. I thought knowing this stuff about me would scare people away. I’ve never given anyone the chance to prove me wrong. Seeing Wilder’s reaction to his brother’s rape tells me I’ve found someone to take a chance on.
“Your brother really is the best kind of human,” I say softly.
“Yeah, he is,” Paul says, his voice cracking. “I wish I’d trusted him with this when it happened.”
“Everything in its time, though, right?”
He thinks about that before giving me a look and saying, “So you and guns, huh? You look like you know your way around them. You really were made for my brother.”
“Because we both like guns?”
“No, because you’re both fighters. Full of fire.”
“Don’t you think it might be bad for us that we’re both fighters? Like, we might fight too much and burn our own damn house down?” This is something my messed-up brain has shoved in front of me a couple of times since I started this relationship with Wilder.
“No. I’ve watched you two together. He needs someone strong like you by his side. I mean, yeah, you have way too much fight sometimes, but that’s balanced by Justin’s ability to know when to fight and when to let you go. It’s fucking magic.”
“Magic seems extra. I’m not sure you need that joint. You already sound a little high.”
He laughs and lights his joint and we sit together in silence.
I hope this is the beginning of him finding peace. I know he’s got a long road ahead, but just getting started is the hardest part. And Wilder and I are gonna be right by his side for every mile.
40
Wilder
It’s just after 11:30 p.m. when I walk back into Dad’s party after having dealt with Don and stopping at home on the way here to clean up and change out of my bloody clothes.
The party’s still going strong when I return, with a lot of people on the dancefloor. I walk past Miranda on my way to find Scarlett and thank her for the heads-up on Don. She was the one who let me know he’d turned up. I’d suspected he might even though I’d made it clear to him not to.
She smiles. “You always had my back, Justin. You know I’ve always got yours. Now go find that gorgeous girl and get her out on this dance floor.”
Her partner sends me a smile before distracting Miranda completely.
I find Scarlett a couple of minutes later. She’s spooning ice cream into her mouth at a great rate of knots. When she sees me, she doesn’t slow down. Instead, she says around the spoon, “I may need to move to Mt Isa after all. This ice cream is to die for.”
“Did my mother tell you that you can only get that ice cream here?”
“Yes.” She frowns. “Wait, did I fall for a lie?”
I chuckle. “Yeah, darlin’, you did. We can get that ice cream in Brisbane. I know a place. I’ll take you there next week.”
She finishes the bowl of ice cream and stands. Looping her arms around my neck, she says, “For that, I may just go the extra mile for you tonight.”
“The extra mile? You’re telling me you’ve been holding out?”
She grins. “You don’t think a girl gives you all she’s got straight away, do you? You’ve got a lot to learn about women, country boy.”
I settle my hands on her ass. “Like what?”
“Like, each time you prove yourself to us a little bit more, we give a little bit more. Well, I can’t speak for all girls, because I’ve never been a member of girl squad until now, so maybe I’m off base here, but this is how I roll. You share ice cream secrets with me, I share my lips in new ways with you.”
“So if I also share the secret that you have to be selective of what to believe from my mother, do I get shit for that too?”
“You’re in for a wild night tonight,” she says, brushing her lips over mine. “But I have to say I can’t believe I fell for that lie about the ice cream. She’s a smart woman. I was already planning your next trip home.”
“Fuck,” I rasp, my gut tightening. “Get your ass on the dancefloor. We’re gonna dance and then we’re gonna head out to see the stars.”
Heat flares in her eyes as she presses her body to mine. “We could just skip straight to the stars.”
“Trust me, I’d like nothing fuckin’ more, but we skip out now and we’ll have Susan Miller to answer to.”
“I knew you were a mama’s boy.”
“Never said I wasn’t, darlin’.”
A minute later, I finally get her where I want her, in my arms, showing me her moves. We’re halfway through dancing to “You Can’t Hurry Love” when Scarlett says, “Why am I looking at your pregnant high school sweetheart, rating nine, lock lips with a woman? What kind of kinky shit goes down out here in the country?”
I chuckle. “That’s her wife.”
She gives me a pointed look. “So when I met Miranda John and had that moment of jealousy, you just forgot to mention she’s into women?”
“It would appear so.”
“You are so full of shit, Justin Miller.”
I lay a trail of kisses up her neck to her mouth. “I like the way my name sounds on your lips.”
“I wonder if you’ll like the way other words sound on them?”
“What words are we talking?”
“Hmmm, ‘no, I’m not sucking your dick tonight.’ Oh, and my favourite, ‘take care of your own goddamn hard-on’.” She cocks her head. “So what’s the story with Miranda John?”
“Are you always gonna refer to her by her full name?”
“Yes. I don’t know how many other Mirandas you slept with.”
“I haven’t slept with any Mirandas.”
“Didn’t you lose your virginity to Miranda John?”
“Fuck no. She wasn’t into boys.”
“Oh my God, if you don’t set me straight on everything that went down with Miranda John right now, you are going to hear all my favourite words later tonight.”
“She thought she was into boys until we started having sex. Well, until we tried to have sex, at which point she realised she really didn’t like boys. She didn’t want anyone to know she was into girls though, so we pretended to still be together while she explored her sexuality.”
“Okay, so let me get this straight. You turned Miranda John gay and then you let me think she was straight while you indulged your love of my jealousy. Do I have this correct?”
I grind myself against her. “I am so fuckin’ hard for you right now. And just so you know, Miranda and I keep in touch. She keeps me updated on what Don gets up to.”
“Oh good.”
“You say that like you’re already planning some kind of shady shit.”
“That’s because I am. You stole all my fun with him tonight.” She pauses. “What did you do with him by the way?” Her eyes drop to my knuckles. “I’m taking it that you hurt him and I’m hoping you hurt him a fucking lot.”
“I hurt him more than a fuckin’ lot.” I wanted to kill the motherfucker, but I couldn’t bring myself to take a father from his child. He’ll be hurting for weeks after our time together tonight and he knows I’m watching him now.
“And this is why I might be yours one day.”
“Duly noted.” I don’t note that as far as I’m concerned, she’s already mine. She’ll get to that understanding soon enough.
She loops her arms around my neck. “Do you wanna know what I’m thinking?”
“Darlin’, if
I could read your fuckin’ mind, I would. I always wanna know what you’re thinking.”
A sexy smile touches her lips, shooting need straight to my dick. “I’m thinking it’s way past time for you to go have a conversation with your father.”
“Not where I thought this was going.”
“Paul just went home, but before he left, he told your dad about the rape. He said your dad was in shock.”
She’s right; it’s time for me and Dad to talk.
“So what was with the sexy smile just then when you said it’s way past time for that conversation?”
She smiles again. “Connect the dots as to what can happen after you have that conversation.”
I connect the dots and see all the fucking stars we’re gonna be looking at soon.
I smack her ass. “Okay, give me ten, and then we’re outta here.”
She clasps my hand as I let her go, her face turning serious. “Wilder, I’m giving you as much time as you need. Don’t rush this. It’s important.”
She’s right again; this will be one of the most important conversations I ever have with my father.
I find him sitting outside in the dark by himself, drinking a beer and staring out at the night sky. He hears me coming and looks up as I approach.
“Justin.” The way he says that tells me he’s been waiting for me.
I sit and stare out at the night with him for a long while before saying, “Our family is broken, Dad, and we need to fix it.”
He takes a swig of beer. “I know I haven’t been the best father to you boys, but I’ve always done what I thought was the right thing at the time.” He looks at me. “I made a mistake with Paul. One I intend on fixing.”
“Good.”
“I love all you boys equally, Justin.”
I nod. “I know.” Dad knows how I feel about Brett. That I can’t understand how he doesn’t see the same person I do when I look at my brother. There’s no use rehashing that now.
“A parent can’t switch their love off, son. My love for you boys is steadfast. Unwavering, even in the face of disappointment. It won’t matter what you do, I won’t stop loving you. Just like I won’t stop loving Paul or Brett based on the things they do. I might not agree with your choices and I might not be pleased with them, but my love will never be rescinded. One day, when you have your own children, I think you might understand this.”