Not our problem anymore.
We are heading out of town when Parker says, “You think we should call? I mean, the guys might think, I don’t know. That something happened to us.”
“What, like we got kidnapped by the pizza shop guy?” I still feel giddy and light-headed, on the edge of laughter.
“Yeah.” She giggles; then she turns serious. “They’ll worry. You know they will.”
“Whatever. Too bad for them.” But I wish she hadn’t said it. I’m crashing back down to earth, the euphoria suddenly gone. I bite my lip, thinking. I’m going to have to call my parents. They’ll be wrecks if they get up in the morning and I’m not there.
Parker looks sideways at me. She has an odd expression on her face—sort of challenging but curious too. “Leo really likes you, you know. He told me.”
“I like him too. Just not that way.”
“He’s such a good guy though. And he’s cute, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, well. I guess I just don’t want to get involved with anyone right now.” It’s such a lie. I’d get involved with Parker in a second, given the chance.
“Probably a good call.” Parker sighs. “I feel so confused about everything. I don’t know how it all got so messed up.” She drums her fingers on the steering wheel. “I still think schools are basically prisons.”
“Sure they are,” I say. I remember the first time I saw her, and I laugh. “Woof, woof. You are not a dog...”
She laughs too, but there is something sad about it. “It’s all over, isn’t it? Our group. All of that.”
I think for a minute. “It doesn’t have to be,” I say at last. “But...well, you’re done with Jamie, right?”
She nods, but her eyes slide away from mine. My heart sinks. I love you, Parker. I let myself imagine, just for a second, saying the words out loud. I wonder what she’d do. Get all freaked out, maybe, or pretend she thinks I mean I only love her as a friend. I close my eyes and lean my hot cheek against the cool glass of the window. It doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference how I feel, because she’s never going to feel the same way about me.
There’s a long pause and then Parker says, “What do you mean, it doesn’t have to be over?”
She is watching the road, eyes straight ahead, lips slightly parted. Her face, in profile, is so perfect. I clench my fists and try to drag my thoughts back to the conversation. The one that is actually happening, not the crazy one in my head. “Well...you and I can do what we want, right? I mean, we could keep doing the kind of thing you were doing. Flyers, you know. And talking to people.”
“I guess so.” Her voice is flat.
“I know it’d be different, without the others. But it might be better, even.”
She glances at me. “Better how?”
“Well...It seemed like we were always against everything, you know? Anti-compulsory education, anti-war, anti-this, anti-that.”
“So? What choice is there? I mean, we’re not going to be pro-war, or—”
I cut her off. “I know, I’m not explaining myself well. I just thought...well, maybe we could think about what we stand for, you know? Like, being for peace instead of against war.”
“It’s the same thing. It’s just different words.”
I suddenly feel tired and sort of depressed. “Maybe.”
We drive in silence for a few minutes. Something has shifted, and I’m not sure why, but the feeling of excitement has gone. Parker’s face is pale and the shadows under her eyes look like bruises. The thought slides into my head, unwanted and unwelcome: She’s going to go back to Jamie. Despite everything, she’s going to go back to him. I open my mouth to ask her but then I stop myself—if she isn’t thinking about him, I don’t want to bring up the subject. “You okay, Parker?” I say instead.
Parker doesn’t answer right away, but she eases up on the gas pedal and the car slows. Then she sighs. “Not really.”
I look away from her and stare at the road ahead. I know she’s thinking about him. My chest is all tight and I try to catch my breath, but it’s like my lungs won’t inflate fully.
“We shouldn’t have taken off,” she says. “We should’ve tried to talk them out of it. If they go ahead...I know it’s stupid, but I don’t want to see Jamie get in trouble, you know?”
Oh, Parker. Without even being here, Jamie is reeling her back in. I don’t care if he gets caught—I don’t give a shit what happens to him. Still, Parker’s got me thinking about the guys now, and I can’t help feeling worried about Leo. I wish I’d tried to talk to him back in the pizza place. He might have listened. “Maybe all the rain...you know, maybe the school will be too wet to burn?”
“Maybe. And maybe the school will be a pile of ash by the morning. What do we know about starting fires, Dante?”
I imagine everyone arriving in the morning and seeing the school all burned and roped off. Or maybe they’ll hear about it on the radio over breakfast or see it on tv. I imagine Mrs. Greenway and wonder if she’d think I had something to do with it. I hope she’d know I wouldn’t do that, but I’m not sure. “Shit,” I say. “This is so messed up. I mean, some people are going to be really upset. Devastated.”
“Well, yeah. I guess some people like school.”
“Yeah, and some don’t, but they don’t want to flip pancakes forever either.”
Parker frowns. “Yeah, ha fucking ha. So what’s your point?”
I’m not sure exactly what my point is but I know something is totally messed up about all this. “So...what if I don’t want to drop out? What if I want to keep going to GRSS?”
“Do you?”
I have no idea what I want right now. Except Parker. I’m pretty sure I want Parker. “I don’t know. But that should be my choice, right? Isn’t that the whole point?”
Parker turns off the radio. The windshield wipers slap back and forth, back and forth. “Yeah,” she says, “I guess.”
I think of the line from the Divine Comedy that I loved so much. “You know what Dante said? He said ‘If the present world go astray, the cause is in you, in you it is to be sought.’”
She nods. “I looked up Dante online, after you told me about the circles of hell and all that. He said something else I liked too: ‘The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.’”
I look at her, startled. That quote was what made me want to read the Inferno in the first place, but I read the whole thing, cover to cover, and that line wasn’t there. In fact, the souls of people who never took a stand were sort of on the outskirts of hell, not in the hottest places at all. So I googled it and guess what? Turns out someone famous—JFK, I think—quoted that line as Dante, and it sort of stuck. I’ve even seen it on bumper stickers. Dante Alighieri is most famous for a line he never even wrote. “Yeah,” I say, sighing, “I love that line too.”
Neither of us says anything for a couple of minutes, but I know it’s over. We’re not running away together. We’re not going to New York.
Parker turns to me. “We have to go back, don’t we.”
It isn’t a question. I nod. “Yeah,” I say. “We have to go back.”
TWENTY
I half expect to see smoke when we pull up at the school, but I can’t see anything unusual. No Jamie, no Leo, no fire.
“Where are they?” Parker whispers. “You think they’re still waiting for us? Or looking for us?”
I open my mouth to answer; then I spot Leo’s car, parked at the far end of the lot where it backs onto the sports field. “They’re here,” I say, pointing. “They’re really going to do it.”
“I bet they’ll light the fire around the back,” Parker says. “That’s what they were planning anyway.”
We run along the side of the school, past the long wall of the gymnasium and around the corner. It all feels unreal to me. I still can’t quite believe they would actually try to burn the school down.
Then I see them. Leo and
Jamie, right by the school wall. Right outside Mr. Lawson’s classroom window. Jamie is holding a red jerry can in one hand. I stop running and stand motionless for a second, immobilized by shock. They’re doing it. They’re really doing it. With sudden despair, I realize we’ve miscalculated. They’re not going to listen to us. We shouldn’t even be here.
“Gas,” Parker breathes.
“Hey!” I shout.
Leo and Jamie freeze. Then they spot us.
“Christ,” Jamie says, “I thought you guys were the cops.” He grins at Parker. “I knew you’d change your mind.”
“We haven’t changed our minds,” Parker says. She looks at Leo, not Jamie. “We came back to try to...well, to ask you not to do it.”
Jamie snorts. “Go home, Parker. If you’re not helping us, then get out of the way.”
“Just listen for a minute,” I plead. “I’m all about doing things that make people think. But this won’t.” I look at Leo. “The first time I met you, you said we have more choices than we think, right?”
He nods. “So?”
I gesture at the school. “I know you had some bad times here, okay? I know about what happened to you here.”
His mouth twists. “You don’t know shit, Dante.”
“I believe you, Leo. About Mr. Lawson. And I don’t blame you for being angry. But—”
He cuts me off. “This isn’t about me.”
“Yeah? You sure about that?” I lift my chin and meet his gaze full-on. “Fine then. It’s not about you. But it’s about me, isn’t it?” I raise my voice. “What if I want to keep going to school?”
Leo frowns. “It’s not about you either, Dante. It’s about taking a stand.”
Parker steps closer to me. “That’s what Dante and I are doing, Leo. Taking a stand.”
There was a long silence. Leo nods his head slowly, like he’s willing to listen to her. For a second I think we’ve won.
Then Jamie laughs, a cold mean laugh that tells me we haven’t won at all. “Stupid bitch,” he says to Parker. “You and your stupid dyke friend.”
He pulls his hand from his pocket and tosses something onto the gas-soaked ground.
There is a roar and a flash. A sheet of flame shoots up the side of the building. I just stand there for a moment, staring. The building is lit up, the gray of its walls glowing a weird pale orange. It looks massive and solid, and I wonder if it will really burn. It’s brick, after all. I find myself hoping that maybe, despite how awful it looks, they won’t be able to do too much damage.
Parker starts to cry. “Please don’t do this. Please stop.”
Leo looks at her; then he turns to Jamie. “Jamie, let’s go. You’ve made your point, right? Let’s get out of here.”
Jamie shakes his head. “Fuck, no. Don’t wuss out on me now. We haven’t even started.”
Leo hesitates. I can see the indecision flickering across his face. It’s up to him. If he’s staying with Jamie—if he wants to be a part of this—there’s nothing I can do. Except get the hell out of here and take Parker with me. I grab her arm. “Parker, come on. Let’s go.”
Parker looks back at Jamie, her faced streaked with tears. “Jamie? Don’t be mad.”
“Fuck, Parker. I don’t have time for your drama, okay? If you want to go, just go. You too, Leo. You’re as bad as the girls. No wonder everyone called you a fag.”
“Fuck you,” Leo says softly.
I tug on Parker’s arm, but she just stands there, still crying. Her face is lit up by the orange glow of the flames, and weirdly, I notice that she has eyebrow stubble. We’re going to get caught, I think, and my chest clutches tight with fear. I dig my fingers into her arm, hard. “Parker. Come on.”
“I’m going with Dante,” she tells Jamie. “Okay?”
Jamie doesn’t say anything, but his face is twisted with rage. He picks up a large rock from the ground and hurls it toward a first-floor window. Mr. Lawson’s classroom. There is a crash and a shower of broken glass falls onto the ground.
“Don’t,” I say, hopelessly.
He laughs, a cold hard laugh, and pulls a bottle from his backpack. I blink. I can’t think what it is for a second. Then I notice the rag sticking out the top.
“Jamie...wait a minute. Please don’t...”
Jamie ignores me. He grabs the jerry can and pours gas on the rag. “This is for you, Dante. Watch it burn.” He laughs again and flicks open his lighter. “Dante’s fucking inferno.” “Don’t, Jamie.” Leo moves to grab his arm, but not fast enough. Jamie lights the rag and in one smooth motion, tosses the bottle through the broken window.
There is a second’s silence.
Then an explosion. Flames shoot out the window and a blast of heat pushes me back.
“Shit. Shit.” Leo takes a few steps back; then he turns and starts to run across the field.
Parker clutches my arm. “Come on.”
I can’t move. I just stand there, staring, barely able to breathe.
“Dante! Come on.” She tugs on my arm again.
I turn toward her and I realize I’m crying, tears stinging my eyes and blurring everything into an orange haze.
“We have to get out of here,” she says. “Now.”
We start running and we don’t stop until we reach her car.
Parker drives fast, tires screeching as she pulls out of the parking lot and heads for the main road. Behind us, I can see the glow of the fire.
“Now what?” Parker asks.
My heart is pounding so hard I think I might throw up. “Where’s Leo?”
“I don’t know.”
I squint into the darkness, but I can’t see him. “He was ahead of us.”
“Should we look for him? I mean, I don’t want to just...”
“We should get the hell out of here,” I say. “Like, right now.”
Parker barely pauses at a stop sign, and I grab her arm. “Drive normal, for god’s sake. Don’t act like this is some getaway car.”
She nods and slows down. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“Calling the fire department?”
She nods. “Yeah. I don’t mean to rat him out or anything...”
“We don’t have to give names.”
I pull out my cell phone, and Parker grabs my arm to stop me. “Isn’t that, like, traceable?” She gestures to a gas station up ahead. “Look. Pay phone.”
I sigh. I am absolutely the last person I ever thought would try to save my school. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
Parker pulls into the gas station and we both get out of the car. She dials; then she passes me the phone.
My hand is shaking as I take the receiver from her. “I’m calling to report a fire,” I tell the operator. “At Glen Ridge Secondary School.”
“Now what?” Parker asks as we drive away from the gas station. She looks at me, then back at the road. “I guess we’re not really going to New York.”
I think about it. Somehow it no longer feels like such a great idea. We’ve got no money, and I guess it’d just be running away from everything. It wouldn’t be my real life. Anyway, it’d kill my parents. “I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe not tonight anyway.”
She sighs. “I know. Well, it was a fun idea while it lasted.”
The clock on the dash flashes 2:25. “What next then? I mean, where are you going to go?”
“Home, I guess.”
“To Jamie.”
“What else am I going to do?”
There’s a catch in her voice that makes me want to put my arms around her. I want to fix everything, to take care of her, make her happy. Maybe if I told her how much I care about her...Bad, bad idea. I ball up my hands into tight fists and press them against my thighs. “Do you have enough money to get your own place?”
She gives a short bitter laugh. “Are you kidding?”
There is a short silence. I don’t know what to suggest. I guess there must be people who could help, like social workers or something, but I don�
�t really have a clue about that. “Um, what about your counselor? Could you call her?”
“I’ll call her tomorrow.” She leans back against the headrest and closes her eyes. “But what can she do? I mean, she’ll be supportive and everything, and maybe she’d try to persuade my folks to let me move back in for a while, but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to go to some group home either, which is what she thinks I should do.”
I feel like someone should be able to help, but I guess no one is going to hand her the thousand bucks she’d need for first and last months’ rent. “Um, do you want to come to my place? Like, just for tonight, anyway?”
She opens her eyes and turns toward me. “Wouldn’t your parents freak? I mean, they don’t even know you’re out.”
“Mm. I’m supposed to be grounded.” Mom would have a hard time putting a positive spin on my arriving home in the middle of the night with a strange girl with no eyebrows. Almost no eyebrows. On the other hand, I can’t think of anywhere else to go, and the trouble I’d get into seems insignificant beside the idea of Parker having to go back to Jamie. “Did you know your eyebrows are growing back?” I ask her.
She nods. “So is your hair.”
I run my hand over my head. Still fuzz. “So, what happened? I mean, how come you shaved them off?”
Parker shrugs. “Bad day, I guess. I didn’t shave them though. I was actually just tweezing out a few hairs, only for some reason I couldn’t stop.”
I nod, like it makes perfect sense to completely remove your eyebrows.
She looks at me, makes a face and starts to laugh. I can’t help laughing too. It’s just the stress of the night, I guess, but soon I’m losing it, laughing too hard, laughing as if something’s really funny when really everything is kind of a mess. Parker is totally cracking up too, rocking slightly in her seat. I watch her—her thin face lit up with laughter, her eyes narrowed to slits, her cheeks flushed. I take a deep breath and look out in to the darkness of the empty parking lot. God, I am so crazy about her.
Inferno Page 13