The kids are swimming and boating and playing volleyball on the beach and hiking and all that wild stuff, but I’m enjoying just lying here in the sun with Rover and Rockey, the two big dogs that live here. They love me and lick me and try to get me to come lie in the shade with them. They don’t realize that I need the heat because I don’t have a beautiful gray fur coat like them.
Sunday, June 10
5:30 A.M.
Last night after dinner, Lew and I went for a long walk. We sat on a big rock looking out over the lake, watching the sun going down, and talked about all our dreams and our futures. Lew is so mature for his age and so wise. I guess that’s maybe because his mom and dad both teach at the university, and his two brothers are older. Kyle is in college, and Mike, our old-time baby-sitter, is in his last year of high school. I think they talk about mostly adult things at their house.
Anyway, it was fun to think about what we’d be and where we’d be: after high school, after college, after marriage. Lew knows already that he wants to be a microbiologist. His uncle is one, and he’s worked with him in the laboratory since he was a little kid. Germs and viruses and bacteria excite him. It’s almost like they are people, instead of bugs.
I don’t know what I want to be, but he’s convinced me I better start thinking about it now, so I’ll be assured of a career instead of just a job. Frankly, Self, I didn’t know the difference until he explained that most jobs don’t have much future growth for “one.” He sometimes says “one” instead of “you.” It sounds okay for him to do it but weird for me. Anyway, careers take more self-motivation and drive, but “one” can usually get higher and progress faster. Did you notice I said ONE, but only to you, only to you!…well, maybe to him…almost assuredly “one” with his family, if I can remember.
As I think about it, I’ve decided to go into the medical field too. I’m just not sure if I want to be a nurse or a doctor or do some kind of lab work. I think maybe becoming a doctor would take too long, because I really want to be a mother, but wouldn’t being a pediatrician and then a mother be the greatest?
Lew and I both want to be parents. He wants to have three or four kids. He says it’s good for there to be lots of kids in a family for a support group.
Lew told me about his parents’ divorce and how much his brothers helped him through it. I cried instead and wished I had had something like that when my dad divorced us.
I was really surprised that Lew’s parents had split. They always seemed so ideal to me. His aunt Mary Mack worked as their housekeeper and substitute mother, while Mr. and Mrs. or Dr. and Dr. Fullmark went off together to the university, sometimes in two cars, sometimes in one.
Lew said his mom’s MS had gotten really bad after we moved, and his dad hadn’t been able to handle it. I didn’t even know she had MS, but after Lew mentioned it, I remembered she often walked with a little limp and held one hand funny sometimes.
My mom left Dad after he met Shelly. Mom never did talk about it, and Dad didn’t stay with Shelly long…but who knows about adults and the stupid, crazy, thoughtless, hurtful things they sometimes do.
Lew and I talked about how guilty we felt after the breakups. Lew said he used to sit for hours wondering if he had been more polite, more grown up, more thoughtful and helpful and less quarrelsome and whiny with his brothers, if that would have helped. I said I’d always wondered if I had cleaned my room and taken better care of Catsup so they wouldn’t have had to do it, and not have been so rude and stuff, if that would have helped my parents stay together. We decided probably not. Anyways, we both know we’re never, never, never going to get divorced once we’re married! Parents don’t seem to realize that when they divorced each other they divorce their kids too.
I just looked up divorce in the dictionary. It says, “Disunion, complete separation; to turn or go different ways; dissolution; disunite; to rid oneself.” No wonder us kids feel so bad when we’re divorced from one or both of our parents. “To rid oneself.” Are we divorced from one or both of them if they are divorced from each other? I guess it doesn’t matter, because we couldn’t be any more hurt or confused, no matter what it was.
3:10 P.M.
Uncle Bill (everybody calls Red’s uncle “Uncle” now) had a church service right in his home. I didn’t know you, I mean “one,” could do that. It was really beautiful, sacred and reverent. Red played the music on the piano, and Uncle Bill had Xeroxed the words for all of us. They were almost like prayers to music that we all sang together, from the deepest part of our hearts. It made me feel good to know that we all believe in God. I’d never put that belief into exact thoughts before, but I know it’s true now.
For a sermon, Uncle Bill took a bottle of water and poured a little black ink or something into it. As he poured drop by drop, the water got dirtier and dirtier. Finally he said that was like sinning; every time we lied or cheated or stole or did anything unethical or unkind, a little more blackness came into our lives. Then he brought out a vial of bleach and said putting repentance into our lives was much like the bleach. It would help us to be white and clean and pure inside again. We then all discussed that concept and decided that we each needed to carry a little bottle of repentance around with us all the time, because we needed it often! Especially me!
We decided for the rest of the day when we spilled on someone or did something else dumb or rude or careless or mean, instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” we’d say, “I repent of that action. Will you forgive me?” It was hard for El to do when Red slammed her finger in the boathouse door…but she finally did. That put a whole new meaning upon repentance and forgiveness. Now it makes sense. And I’ve felt GOOD, a DIFFERENT, BETTER KIND OF GOOD AND HAPPY ALL DAY.
We closed the service with the song “Happy Hearts Make Happy Homes,” and I thought how wonderful it would be if we all had happy homes like Red’s uncle Bill and aunt Lorna. They have pictures of their grown kids and grandkids all over the house, and they’ve been married for fifty-three years to each other! Can you imagine that kind of Happy Hearts Make Happy Homes stuff?
7:26 P.M.
When Lew and I went to sit on the boathouse steps, a full moon was hanging out over the lake. Its reflection was almost as bright as the moon itself, and Lew stood on his head just to make sure he could tell the difference. He could, barely.
He wanted to take a run on the beach with the dogs, who were bugging us to do that, bringing sticks to us to throw and all that stuff, but I didn’t want to. I just wanted to sit and be part of the moonlight and the fragrances and the strange snuggling sounds that were wafting down from a bird’s nest. We had wafting as a spelling word once, and this is the first time in my life I’ve had a chance to use it. I thought then it was a dumb word, but it’s a beautiful word, soft and musical. Lew went running with the dogs, and I came up to write, but I think I’ll go back down again. It’s the end of a beautiful Sabbath day. The way they all should be.
’Bye for now. Hope Lew is still there.
11:13 P.M.
Far away on the north side of the lake, I could hear Lew laughing and the dogs barking. I was so glad he was still out that my heart “wafted” around inside my chest. Don’t you love that word?
He was surprised to see me still sitting where he’d left me, and he and the dogs just crumpled down around me. They were all panting and semi-wet where they’d splashed into the rippling little waves. One dog stood up and shook all over me.
I pulled away from his shower right into Lew’s arms. He held me there so the dog could spray me even more…we laughed for a second; then he reached over and kissed me. It was so sweet and gentle and soft, like nothing I’d ever felt before in my life, like I was in Paradise or something. I had one freak-out moment when the thought passed through my mind that he didn’t really know how to kiss; then it wafted away in the moonlight. That was not true. Collin was the one who didn’t know how to kiss. After a few minutes, we got up and walked back to the house, hand in hand. Life will never be the
same.
Want to hear a wonderful and sacred secret, Self? I couldn’t possibly, ever in the world, share it with anybody but you! For the first time in my life I really and honestly, truly love a guy. I—with all my heart, and forever—love Lew Fullmark.
Little Lew Fullmark Jr.
Baby Nancy Fullmark
Oh, doesn’t that have a beautiful ring to it.
The moon is so bright I could almost take my book out and write by its light. I would, except Uncle Bill asked us not to go out alone at night because there are a lot of wild animals around. I forgot to remind Lew of that when he went running with the dogs. Oh, I am so glad that nothing happened to him! I don’t know what I’d ever do if anything happened to Lew. He’s been the biggest, brightest part of my so-far forever.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nancy Fullmark
No.
With best regards,
Mrs. Lewis K. Fullmark
Monday, June 11
8:22 A.M.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so icky I could hardly force myself out of bed. I can hear the gaggle out running and playing by the lake. Lew and Uncle Bill are putting up two big car-tire swings, and it looks so fun and it sounds so fun that my insides are dying to go down, but my body just feels like it can’t make it. I hope I’m not coming down with something. I can’t be! I won’t get sick now! Please, please, nature, that’s not fair! All my life I’ve had allergies and asthma and respiratory problems, and I’ll gladly have them when I get home, but please, please, not here, not now!
I dressed slowly as a little old lady, and I’ve taken my breathing excercises, so I feel some better. I hope the gaggle won’t notice. What if I look as crappy as I feel? No, no, I can’t do that. I’ll feel better as soon as I see Lew. An answer to prayer. There he is, swinging on the tire swing like an angel flying through the air. Now he’s Tarzan beating his chest and yelling. Oh, I do feel better. Thank you, God. Oh, thank you very much. I want to go do it too. Me Jane. Me go down to Tarzan.
11:20 A.M.
Late this afternoon we leave to go home. I don’t want to ever leave this place. It’s where my life really started. Lew and I steal kisses whenever we can elude the gaggle. Behind the big rock, up by the point, out behind the boathouse, once even in the hall. They’re usually just little pecks, but it’s a fun game.
Please, day, last a long, long time. Don’t ever end.
Tuesday, June 12
12:01 P.M.—Home
I’ll never forget our trip. Lew and I went out in the canoe together before we left. It tips over so easily that Uncle Bill won’t let more than two go out at a time, and then we have to stay really close to the shore.
When we were beyond the point, away from the house, he stopped, pulled the oars in and told me that I’m as big a part of his life as he is of mine. I wonder if he’s ever written “Mr. and Mrs. Lewis Fullmark,” but, of course, I didn’t ask him. I don’t think boys do silly things like girls do. I wonder if he’s ever thought it, though.
Lew remembers the first time he kissed me, when we were about six. He even remembers where it was—at his house by their volleyball court. We went in and told his family that we were going to get married. Then I got on my bike and rode home. I’m so glad he remembers. I didn’t think he did.
He even remembers the CKH ring that I wore on a chain around my neck. My grandmother gave it to me when I was seven, and after she died, it was like having part of her close to me. Lew even remembered that the CKH stands for CHOOSE KINDNESS AND HONOR! He said he envied me having the ring and wished his grandma had given him something like that instead of a—he looked embarrassed—little locket that had belonged to his great-grandmother that had a picture of her on one side and a picture of him, “her most beautiful great-grandchild,” on the other.
He giggled, and I giggled with him. “Were you really her favorite, most beautiful great-grandchild?” I asked.
He squeezed me and slopped a little kiss on my cheek, “No, That’s the family joke, because by the time I was born, Great-Grandma was blind.” He looked far away into the past. “I suspect my silly brothers started that rumor.”
I looked adoringly into his face. “I don’t think so. I know it’s true,” I said with all my heart.
Anyway, I took my CKH ring and chain off my neck and offered it to him. “I don’t know of anyone I’ve ever known who is as kind and honorable as you.”
His eyes got moist as he accepted it, and he said, “And will you wear my great-grandmother’s locket? It’s silly because it’s got a picture of me in it when I was two years old. My hair was white as cotton and curly and fluffy as a little girl’s.”
I reached over to kiss him, and we almost turned the canoe over. It was pretty spooky scary while he tried to get it straightened up, but he never did let go of the CKH ring.
Oh, what a beautiful day. It has been by far the most beautiful day of my life. THE BEGINNING OF A FUTURE THAT IS GOING TO BE MORE GLORIOUS THAN HAS EVER BEEN KNOWN BY MANKIND SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE EARTH…AS WELL AS ALL THE OTHER CREATIONS OF INFINITY.
Wednesday, June 13
4:15 P.M.
I must have a bug because I’m so tired and worn out all the time. I seem to be always pushing, and for the first time in my life I’m glad that Mom won’t let me go out much at night except for something special.
Thursday, July 5
8:01 P.M.
I can’t believe I haven’t written in you for so long, but I’ve been so busy and so happy and SO TIRED! But I won’t, I can’t, let anybody know how hard it is for me to keep up, especially Mom, because then she really would make me go to Arizona with Dad. July Fourth I felt like a fizzle cracker while everybody else was a firecracker.
The gaggle is always together. Sometimes I get mad because Lew and I have so little time alone, but I guess that’s good in a way because Kelly Karson and Belinda Carter both got pregnant this year. I heard Belinda had an abortion; I could never, ever, never do that! And Kelly, I don’t know what she’s going to do. Whatever it is, it’s going to be really hard, because she’s just fifteen and Roger is just sixteen. I heard they were using condoms too. That’s pretty hairy-scary.
Only once have Lew and I come close; then he made me promise to God that we’d either keep it cool till we’re seventeen, when we’d talk about it again, or we’d quit seeing each other altogether. That scared me so much that I’ll never let him or me get carried away again. I can’t give him up. No way in this world could I ever exist without him.
I’ve stopped playing in the band. Last week we played in a parade for the Big Pine Centennial, and I got so tired and out of breath that half the time I was just pretending to play. I guess I’ve taken on more than I can handle. Anyway, I told Mr. Miller that in the fall I’d have to give up a scholarly project or band, and I thought it would be better for me, in the long run, to give up band now. He agreed, thank goodness, so I’m off that hook!
I hope I’m not going to start having horrible allergy and respiratory problems like I did when I was a little kid. I thought I’d outgrown most of that, but maybe not, or maybe I’m just run-down. I hope that’s it.
Thursday, July 19
9:43 P.M.
It’s been two weeks, and I’m getting a little scared. I have this nagging, heavy-bag-of-sand-in-my-chest kind of feeling that doesn’t seem to want to go away. I’m taking all my medication and eating right and excercising, and I’m under no stress at all. In fact, life has never been so smooth and ice-creamy. Mom and I are getting along better than we ever have, and she’s letting Lew come over some nights to help me with my math. She’s even dumber than I am about geometry, which is funny because I’ve seen her work on millions of dollars’ projections for a building, with no sweat at all. I’m trying to catch up on math this summer so I can be a straight A student in the fall—I wish!
Saturday, July 21
P.M.
A bunch of us went to the water slides today. It was fun
for a while; then I got tired and watched all the other kids. None of them, not one, seems to tire as quickly as I do. I try to cover it up and say it’s my period and all like that, but I feel like it’s getting worse. But, of course, it isn’t! I’m just being paranoid! I’ve always been smaller and slighter than the rest of the girls my age.
Lew says he likes it that I’m not a tomboy like Red. He reminded me of the time at school when we went on our biology project to the lake, and he carried me back to the bus on his back. Big deal—I carried the frogs in the bottles. I told him that I was doing my part…but I felt funny then and I feel funnier now.
Wednesday, July 25
5:59 P.M.
Mom said I was looking peaked, so she made an appointment with the doctor without my knowing it. Dr. Talbert, who brought me into the world, and who has thumped me on my chest since I can remember and has given me shots and stuff, thumped and listened some more, then gave me some vitamins and told me to cut down on some of my activities. He also made me promise I’d eat my veggies and drink my milk, etc., like I was a little kid. I promised to keep him and Mom happy. Actually, I’d do anything to make myself feel really good again. It’s kind of like I’m a light bulb, and I used to be 100 watts and now I’m just 40 or 50 or 5. It’s a strange feeling, which I didn’t try to explain to Dr. Talbert. He wouldn’t have understood. It doesn’t really even make sense to me. I still give off light and stuff, and no one else seems to notice it that much, but I do! I want all the light back!
Thursday, July 26
Dear Self:
I need to talk to you. I really do. I’m so glad I’ve got you. I need to see what went wrong. Mom was out of town again on business, and Lew came over to study with me. It was so quiet and nice, with only the three of us there, me and him and Imperical. I told him about Imperical—well, not all about Imperical, but the good parts.
After we’d studied, we went out on the terrace and ate Oreos and drank milk out of the carton and tried to count the stars. We were both lying on one lounge, and as we counted we got more and more involved until we…we almost did…Then Lew jumped up, and he was so mad at me I thought he was going to dump me over the rail or something. But he said he was really more mad at himself. He pulled me to my feet and dragged me out of the apartment and down the street. I was too afraid to speak, even though I knew he’d never do anything mean…I hoped…
It Happened to Nancy Page 5