by Sarah Beard
I love him. I love Kai. I love this boy who came into my life three days ago and changed me forever.
And he loves someone else.
But the way he’s holding me makes me wonder if he’s at least beginning to fall for me too. I search for a sign that he feels something more than friendship. I feel for his heartbeat against mine. I’m positive he can feel mine. But I don’t feel anything. His heart is still.
The clouds have long since smothered the sun, and now something inside of me feels smothered too. The wind picks up, brisk and sharp, and a drop of rain splashes on my arm. Goose bumps rise on my clammy skin, and I reluctantly pull back, feeling like my heart is being torn in two.
I can’t look at him, so I look at the sea instead. The waves are growing larger, wilder. Gusts of wind rip across the wave crests, turning them white. I’m suddenly uncertain about everything. As though I’ve taken a wrong turn and ended up in an unfamiliar city, and I’m not sure how to get back on the right track.
Unsure what Kai will see in my face, I step away and go gather our things. We load the car in silence, and even though I feel his gaze on me now and then, I don’t dare meet his eyes. When I slide into the driver’s seat, I see a text on my phone from Paige.
Movie night? Pick you up at 7?
I think about Kai, about the girl he loves. The more time I spend with him, the more it will hurt when things work out between him and this other girl. Suddenly a movie doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I could definitely use the distraction. I text Paige back.
Sure. Pick me up.
hy didn’t you tell me he was coming?” I whisper to Paige in the theater lobby. Tyler and Dillan are a few yards away, buying our tickets from a kiosk. When Paige picked me up, she said nothing about meeting anyone. But when we got here, Tyler and Dillan were waiting for us as though that was the plan all along.
“I thought you wouldn’t mind,” she whispers back, looking at me like I’m crazy.
I eye the glass doors of the theater. It’s pouring outside, and people are rushing in and out with jackets over their heads or umbrellas bursting open. I fasten the top button on my rain jacket, seriously considering making a run for it. But then I remember that Paige drove, so unless I want to make the five-mile trip home on foot, I’m stranded here with a boy I never want to speak to again.
“I thought you guys were working things out,” she says in a hushed tone. “I saw you kiss the other night at Dillan’s. So what’s going on?”
What’s going on? I’m in love with a guy I met three days ago. And he loves someone else. I don’t have it in me right now to face Tyler after what he said to me the other night. I just want to go home and hide under my blankets for the next twelve years. My stomach hurts. I hug myself, trying to squeeze the pain out. “We’re not working anything out.”
She tilts her head and offers a consoling look. “What happened?”
I don’t want to get into it with Tyler so close, so I brush off her question and say, “I can’t believe they agreed to come to a rom-com with us.” And then I question why I agreed to come to a rom-com. As if watching people get all lovey-dovey on a seventy-six-foot screen is going to make me feel better. “I thought Dillan hated Zac Efron.”
She shrugs. “He’s just jealous because I once pointed out how blue Zac’s eyes are. He insists the movie people Photoshop them or something to make them bluer than they really are.”
After buying the tickets, the boys come over. Dillan slings an arm around Paige and kisses the top of her head, handing her a ticket. She looks down at it, and her mouth falls open, appalled. “What! Batman?”
Dillan gives an apologetic shrug. “Your movie was sold out.”
She rolls her eyes. “Riiiight. Ugh. This is what happens when you let guys buy the tickets.” She punches him in the ribs, and he laughs.
“Come on,” he says, tugging her toward the concession stand. “I’ll buy you some nachos.”
That leaves me alone with Tyler, who up until this point I’ve been avoiding looking at. When I finally glance at him, he’s watching me uncertainly, one hand in the pocket of his hoodie, the other in front of him clutching our Batman tickets. He looks incredibly handsome as usual, but the butterflies that used to go crazy in his presence are now lying dead in the pit of my stomach.
He takes a wary step toward me. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I reply. Because it’s much more civil than the things I really want to say.
“I’m glad you came.”
“Yeah, well …” I look at a poster on the wall of the movie Paige and I had planned on seeing—because eye contact feels too intimate with Tyler right now. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”
He inhales and exhales slowly, as though trying to calm himself. “Want some popcorn?”
The theater’s buttery smell usually makes me want popcorn. But tonight, the thought of putting anything in my stomach makes me nauseated. I shake my head, keeping my eyes on Zac Efron. His eyes really are unnaturally blue. “I’m good.”
His hand comes up and brushes the bridge of my nose, and I flinch at the unexpected touch.
“Sorry,” he says, like he just remembered he’s not supposed to touch me anymore. “You got some sun today. You’re all pink.”
“I went surfing,” I say evenly, as though it’s no big deal.
“You did?” He says it like I just told him I won the lottery. “That’s great! I mean, seriously? And I missed it?”
I shrug. “I wasn’t planning on it. It just … happened.” I almost want to tell him how it happened, but decide to keep it to myself. Because if I talk about it, about Kai and what he did for me today, all these tears that are mounting inside of me will come bursting out, and Tyler will know. He’ll know that I love Kai. I have to pull myself together if I’m going to make it through tonight.
“Right on,” Tyler says. His hand drops to his side, and he lets out a long breath. “Look—I’ve been meaning to call you. I want you to know … I’m sorry.”
I eye him, and his face is bordering on desperation. “Sorry for what?”
“For what I said the other night. It came out all wrong. I only meant …” He shakes his head and lets out a frustrated growl. “I know you’ve had a hard time, but this has been hard for me too. I’m sorry I hurt you. And I’m sorry I broke things off the way I did.” He sighs. “Sometimes I do stupid things. And … I guess I just got scared.”
I shoot him an inquisitive look. “Scared of what?”
“I don’t know, being needed so much. And scared that if I kept hanging around you, I’d lose myself, the way you seemed to have lost yourself. Don’t look at me like that. I’m still figuring out this ‘love’ thing.” He makes air quotes, like love isn’t really a thing at all.
“I didn’t know love was something that needed to be figured out.”
“You know what I mean—like what it means to love someone. And love at the time felt so … heavy. There was so much responsibility attached to being with you. I didn’t feel ready to carry that kind of burden.”
“Nice,” I say, smothering the word in sarcasm. “So that’s what I am? A burden.”
“No!” He throws his hands up in exasperation. “But at the time, that’s what love felt like.”
“And now it’s different?”
“Well … yeah.”
“Why?”
He scratches the back of his head and thinks for a moment. “I’ve matured, I guess.”
I arch an eyebrow. “In a few days?”
He shrugs, at a loss for words.
“Does your accelerated maturation have anything to do with Kai?”
His head jerks back. “What are you talking about?”
“You started changing how you saw me when he came around.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s not like that.”
I fold my arms and give him a look that demands the truth.
He sighs loudly. “I don’t know—maybe. When I saw you with him, it bot
hered me. And things seemed to be moving pretty fast. So I had to decide pretty quick if I was really prepared to lose you to some other guy. And … I’m not.”
“Well …” Suddenly my throat feels tight. “You wouldn’t have anyway.”
His face lights up with hope. “What?”
“Kai doesn’t …” I pause, swallowing back the huge lump in my throat. “He doesn’t see me … in that way. He’s in love with someone else.” The words come out bitter, and I spit the last ones out. “Some amazing mystery girl.” Saying it out loud hurts so much more than I expected, and I clench a fist around my jacket lapel as though it will make it easier to endure.
“Oh.” His brow furrows. “Are you sure? He seems really into you.”
“Yeah. In fact, he says you know her.”
He points a thumb to his chest. “Me?”
I nod. And now that I think about it, if Tyler knows her, I probably do too.
“Come on, guys!” Paige is waving for us to follow her into the theater, so we do. Tyler hands over our tickets, and as we walk down the long hallway in silence, I start sifting through every girl I’ve ever met, trying to match her up with someone Kai would be in love with.
We find our seats in the dimmed theater, and without much thought I sit between Paige and Tyler. Even though the screen is huge and vibrant and the surround speakers are blaring, I don’t see or hear any of the movie. Because a parade of girls is marching through my head, each one trying out for the part of Kai’s love interest. None of them seem good enough for him. Whoever this girl is, she’s undoubtedly beautiful and smart, capable of deep conversations and philosophical insights. She probably plays the guitar or a cute little ukulele, and she definitely has a sultry singing voice. But after searching through all my acquaintances, I come up short. I finally give up and turn to Tyler for help.
“Who did you hurt?” I ask in a loud whisper, immediately realizing how random the question sounds. He answers with a blank look. I obviously need to start somewhere else. I try again. “Kai said you hurt the girl he’s in love with. Who was it?”
His brows crash together, either because he’s wondering why I would start a conversation like this while we’re watching a movie, or because he really has no idea what I’m talking about. He shrugs and opens his palms, then turns back to the screen.
I know my quizzing should wait until later, but my curiosity is making me so antsy I can’t sit still. “Have you dated anyone since we broke up?” This time I forget to whisper, and someone in front of us turns around and shushes me.
Tyler leans over, bringing his face an inch from mine. “Why are we talking about this right now?” His whisper is harsh, annoyed.
“I need to know who it was,” I whisper back.
Then Tyler says the words that are just beginning to teeter on the edge of my subconscious. “Maybe he was talking about you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever really hurt. And I’m sorry, okay? For the millionth time, I’m sorry!”
A handful of popcorn comes flying at us over the seat in front of us. Tyler picks a piece out of his hair and faces the screen, his jaw rigid. His hands clasp the armrests on either side of his chair as if he’s in a roller coaster ride about to plummet down a hill.
Or maybe it’s me who’s on the ride, because suddenly my heart is rising to my throat. Is it possible that I’m the girl Kai was talking about? That I’m the girl he loves? That can’t be. What about his fight with Tyler? That couldn’t have been about me, because I’d just met Kai that day. Only, now that I think about it, the fight sort of had been about me. Tyler got upset with Kai because he was watching me.
But Kai said he met the girl when he came here six months ago. Was it possible that I met him then and don’t remember? How could I not remember Kai? And if Kai does have feelings for me, why doesn’t he tell me? Maybe because he thinks I’m in love with Tyler. Maybe he’s protecting himself from getting hurt, from getting rejected after spending his entire life being rejected by those who should love him.
It all feels like such a stretch. And yet, there’s something inside of me, something growing and gaining substance with each breath, telling me that Kai really does feel something for me. Even Tyler said that Kai seems really into me. Why else would he have done everything he has for me over the past few days? Why else would he look at me the way he does, like he never wants to look away?
As I allow myself for just a moment to believe that he loves me, a joy that I’ve never felt burns in my chest. I cling to the feeling, to the warmth, because if I let go, I’ll be left in a place so cold and dark I may never find my way out. I let hope spread through me like flames on kindling. And then, I’m on fire.
I turn to Tyler. “I have to go.”
He pulls his wallet from his back pocket and fishes out a wrinkled twenty, offering it to me. “Will you bring back some popcorn and a Fanta?”
“No—I mean I’m leaving. The theater. I need to leave.”
He gives me a blank stare. “Why?”
I don’t answer. Just turn to Paige and whisper hurriedly, “I need you to drive me somewhere.”
She nods and keeps her eyes on the screen, not understanding the urgency of my request.
“Now,” I whisper.
She gives me the Are you crazy? look again. “Can’t it wait?” She gestures to the movie screen, like, Duh, we’re in the middle of a movie.
I shake my head. “No.” I grab her hand and pull her up, dragging her out of the theater. I don’t look back, because I’m afraid of what I’ll see on Tyler’s face.
“What is going on?” she says when we make it to the lobby.
“I have to go see Kai. Right now.”
She throws open her hands. “What’s the big rush?”
“I have to tell him how I feel about him before he leaves.”
She stares at me, blinking in shock for a few seconds, and then her face softens. “What about Tyler?”
There’s nothing to say about Tyler. So I frown and shake my head.
She gives a heavy sigh. “Fine. I’ll drive you there. But he’ll have to give you a ride home because I’m not waiting.”
I pull her into a hug. “Thank you.”
“You’re lucky I’m a hopeless romantic.” I feel her cheek lift into a smile. “And that I hate Batman.”
don’t know how long I’ve been lying on the floor of the cottage, staring out the window at the sky, but it’s been long enough to watch gray clouds turn to black, and sprinkling rain turn to a downpour. The weight of untold truths holds me down, runs through my veins like poison, sapping every ounce of energy.
I came so close to telling Avery the truth this afternoon. It was the way she looked at me when I told her about the girl I love, like her heart was breaking. I came to help her heal, but instead I’ve injured her in a whole new way. But I couldn’t tell her that she’s the one Tyler hurt, the one I met last December and recently came back for. There was too much risk. Risk of her connecting me to the boy who saved her life. Risk of her finding out that I’m dead.
The last of the daylight has faded now, and I can’t even see the rain anymore, only hear it drumming on the roof. There’s a dripping sound somewhere, but it’s too dark to see where it’s coming from.
There must be a way to tell her how I feel without giving away my identity. I did see her once briefly in front of the chocolate shop before rescuing her in the ocean, so I could say that that is when we met. But even then … I don’t know. My heart and mind are so muddled right now that I don’t trust myself to make a good decision.
I drape my arm over my eyes, and now it’s pitch dark. My body still thinks it’s in the waves, because it feels like I’m moving up and down, up and down. The rain begins to sound like a pounding surf, and then I’m being pushed deep, deep under, and I’m drowning all over again. How is it possible to feel like I’m dying when I’m already dead? This separation from her will be so much worse than the first one, when I’d barely met her. Because now I know
everything about her. I know the shade of blue her eyes turn in the setting sun. I know the scent of her hair after she spends a long day in the chocolate shop. I know by the curve of her lips when she’s genuinely happy and when she’s putting on a brave face.
I wish I didn’t have to leave at all. I wish that I still had a mortal body, flesh and blood. If I did … The thought hurts too much to finish, and I let out a loud, frustrated groan. Then I call out to the only person I can speak the truth to right now. “Charles?”
Seconds later, I sense a presence in the room. I move my arm from my eyes. Charles stands beside me, the soft light of his aura filling the room.
“Things not going as you expected?” he asks gently.
I rub my bare foot along the grain of the wood floor. I love the sensation of it. Rough. Real. I have a body now. Isn’t there a way to keep it? Isn’t there some miracle to make that possible? What about those stories my first foster parents told me of all the people in the Bible who were raised from the dead? And what about all the people I’ve been assigned to heal? The power exists. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Felt it flow through me like water from a spring. Why can’t it be applied to me?
“Charles,” I say quietly. “Has anyone ever been brought back to life?”
The look of pity that comes over his face is too hard to take. I have to look away. “You know the answer to that.”
“Well, yeah. I’ve seen people healed who are on the brink of death, or barely dead. But what about those whose death has been sealed?”
He sits on the floor beside me, folding his legs beneath him. I never saw him sit that way when he was alive. His old body just wouldn’t bend that way. And looking at his face now, he appears younger, as though he’s been slowly aging in reverse without my noticing. His hair is fuller, the wrinkles around his eyes less pronounced. Instead of seventy-two, he looks maybe in his fifties. “Sure, it happens,” he says. “But usually with those who haven’t been dead for very long. I’m sure you’ve heard stories of people waking up in morgues or coffins.”