by Sarah Beard
I open my eyes and turn around to leave, and Charles is standing right behind me. I fall back a step in surprise.
He reaches out to catch me by the shirt, as though afraid I’ll stumble backward into the Briar. When he’s convinced I’ll stay upright, he releases me. “You scared me for a minute there,” he says. His face is worried, and has grown even younger since the last time I saw him. He looks maybe in his late forties now, and if I hadn’t been observing his transformation over the past months, I wouldn’t even recognize him.
“Don’t tell me you’ve been watching me.”
He gives a small guilty smile. “Only keeping tabs.” He scowls over my shoulder at the Briar like it’s a drug dealer who just tried to sell me crack. “Why don’t you come with me and we’ll have a talk. Like old times.”
I shrug in agreement, and we quicken away from the Briar to where the lakeshore is smooth again, and find a place to sit under the branches of one of the weeping trees.
“You have a decision to make,” he says when we settle on a patch of soft blue grass.
I’m sitting cross-legged, and I notice that the soles of my feet are already completely healed. “About what?”
“What to do next.”
I let my eyes sweep over the expanse of the silver lake, from where it touches the rocky banks of the Briar to the other end where it holds a perfect reflection of the majestic cliffs of Elysium. “I’ve already decided. I’m waiting.”
“Kai, you can’t just do nothing until Avery comes. You could be waiting for decades. And by then … she may have—”
“Don’t say it.” I drop my head in my hands. “I know. I realize I’m being overly optimistic. But I’m waiting anyway.”
“It’s not just that she might not be … available when she comes. You’re putting yourself in danger.”
I lift my head. “How so?”
“Those who linger too long on the banks of Demoror tend to get … lost.”
I know what he means even before he nods in the direction of the Briar. I felt the darkness trying to lure me inside moments ago. I sigh. “If I leave the lake, what if I miss her when she comes?”
“You’ll know when she gets here.”
I raise a curious eyebrow. “How?”
“The same way you found her on Earth.” He motions to his chest. “You’ll feel it here. That connection, that pull, between you and those you love. You only have to be paying attention.”
Maybe he’s right. When I went back to Earth to help Avery, I could always sense when she was near. At least when I was paying attention. My chest aches now with the desire to see her again. “Charles,” I say, “can I see her? Just once?”
He lets out a tired sigh. “Remember our deal, Kai.”
“I only want to see if she’s okay. She’s got to have a million questions after what she saw.”
He gives me a wary look. “What did she see, exactly?”
“Well, I showed her I didn’t have a heartbeat. She passed out.” I wince. “And then … I sort of disappeared in her arms.”
He shakes his head slowly, maybe because he can’t quite grasp the mess I’ve gotten myself into.
“Can’t you just … show me one glimpse in the lake?” I ask.
“No.”
“Then … can you pay her a visit and explain things so she doesn’t think she’s losing her mind?”
He rubs his knee for a long moment, and then shakes his head. “I can’t do that. I broke the rules by letting you keep the ring those three days. Please don’t ask me to do anything else.”
“But this isn’t a big deal. It’s a little conversation. Please.”
His mouth sets in a firm line. I know the look. It’s the look of immovability. “No. You promised. I gave you three days, and you promised to let her go. I kept my end of the deal. Now it’s your turn to keep yours.”
My shoulders sink, and I shut my eyes and clench my jaw in frustration at my powerlessness. I know he’s right, though. No matter how hard it is, I made him a promise, and it’s time for me to keep it.
He pats me on the shoulder. “What you need is something to keep you busy. So, I have a new job to offer you.”
I blink in surprise, hope rising in my chest. “I thought I couldn’t go back to Earth.”
He shakes his head. “It’s not on Earth.”
“Oh.” I look down at the grass and run my toe through it, hoping he won’t see how disappointed I am. “What’s the job?”
He pulls something out of his pocket. A pendant attached to a fine silver chain. The pendant appears to be a raw crystal with a shimmering vein of light coiled inside.
“Wow,” I say, fascinated by the glimmering thread inside the crystal. “What does that do?”
He hands it to me. “Here—put it on and you’ll see.”
I take it and hang it around my neck. As soon as it touches my chest, the crystal lights up like a halogen light, practically blinding me. I flinch at the unexpected brilliance and cover it with my hand so that I can open my eyes again. “Whoa. What is this job, exactly? Dental assistant?”
Charles smiles at my dumb joke, and then his face goes serious. “It’s dark in the Briar. Sometimes all people need is a bit of light to find their way out.”
I stare at him. “Weren’t you just saying how worried you were that I’d get lost in there?”
He nods at the pendant. “You won’t get lost as long as you’re wearing that.”
I look back toward the Briar, an eerie sense of dread coming over me. “And what’s my assignment?”
“It’s simple, in theory. You’re a guide. The goal is to lead people out of the Briar and bring them back here to the lakeshore.”
“What happens when they get here?”
“That’s when a mentor will be assigned to them, like I was assigned to you. They’ll be offered a job and more guidance.”
I gaze at the Briar, considering. It seems like such a dreary job. Especially after standing at the edge of the Briar and feeling how strong the dark pull was. If I go in, I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to handle it, even with the pendant. What if I never find my way back out?
Charles must see my hesitation, because he says, “You don’t have to accept the job, but if you don’t, you’ll need to come with me to Elysium. There are other things for you to do there.”
I inhale a deep breath and exhale slowly, unsure what to do. “Charles,” I say, “is there music in Elysium?”
He regards me a moment, pursing his lips. “Why don’t you come there with me and see for yourself? You won’t be disappointed.”
“And if I do, I’ll know when Avery gets here?”
“Yes. My wife was in Elysium when I came, and she knew right away.”
Maybe it’s time to stop resisting. I don’t know why I’m so afraid to go there. Maybe I fear I won’t belong. Or maybe I’ve gotten used to Demoror, and I don’t like change. Or maybe it’s one step farther from Avery. But as I consider the alternative, I can’t imagine stepping inside the dark Briar. I stand and remove the glowing pendant and hand it back to Charles. I nod at him, wordlessly telling him that I’ve chosen to go to Elysium.
He stands and lays a hand on my shoulder, and we quicken away. At the place where we stop, the cliffs of Elysium rise from our feet to the sky. The pearlescent white rock is smooth like polished opal, and the waterfall entrance to Elysium appears to fall in slow motion. There’s no mist or splashing when it hits the ground, no pool to collect the water. It simply vanishes into the ground, like a thread being pulled through fabric. I’ve never seen it from this close before, and I’m mesmerized by the strange movement of the water. Like a thousand-foot-long curtain gently undulating in the breeze. I tip my head back, following the waterfall to its source. But it’s so high I can’t see it. It just fades into a shimmering blur.
“You ready?” Charles asks. He’s standing beside me, his face encouraging.
I look back the way we came, since I didn’t reall
y see any of it when we quickened here. We’re in a sort of circular courtyard, closed in by a low rock wall. The ground is heavily sprinkled with little sparkling flowers the color of Avery’s eyes. Beyond the wall, the land gracefully drops and expands into wide grassy fields and groves of crystal trees. If this is what’s on the outside of Elysium, I can only imagine what I’ll find inside.
I turn back to the waterfall, then reach out and hesitantly touch the hazy water. A surge of peace flows from the waterfall into me. I close my eyes, reveling at the warmth that fills my chest. It reminds me of the way I felt when Avery touched me. Or when I heard her voice say my name. It’s the feeling I’ve ached for since returning to Demoror. Like touching the doorknob of a home filled with the people I love. Like hearing my little sisters laugh. Like my mother’s embrace.
“Charles,” I say, turning to him, “where’s my mom? I … I can’t move on until I know for sure.”
His expression turns careful, then grave. He holds up a finger. “Wait here for a minute.” He turns and steps into the waterfall, and it swallows him up. I want to follow, to hear for myself the answer to my question. But he asked me to stay, so I keep my feet planted.
A few minutes later, he emerges from the waterfall and steps up to me. “They said you’re strong enough now.”
“Strong enough for what?”
“To know where she is.”
Something sinks inside of me, and I’m suddenly afraid to learn the answer. Because I already know where she is.
He dips into his pocket and retrieves the guide pendant, handing it to me. “If you want to find your mom, you’ll need this.”
’ve been parked across the street from Kai’s sisters’ house for thirty minutes, trying to summon the courage to go knock on their door. It’s a late July afternoon, and the sun filters through the big tree in their front yard, casting fluttery shadows on the white clapboard. It’s also shining through my windshield, heating up the inside of my Cherokee, and beads of sweat are gathering on my forehead and making my palms slick.
I’ve known for weeks now who died saving my life, and I’ve yet to tell anyone. Sometimes I think it would be better if no one ever found out. But his sisters must know that Kai is missing, and the uncertainty of his whereabouts must torment them. They’ll be devastated to find out what happened to him, but at least they’ll know the truth.
I gaze at the lace curtains and bite my nails, wondering how on earth I’m going to get through this. More than anything, I want to turn my car around and leave. I could go to the sheriff’s detective instead and tell him that I finally recognized Kai on a missing persons report. And then he can be the one to tell Kai’s family.
I try to think what Kai would want. Would he want his sisters to hear it from a cop? Or from the girl whose life he saved, who can give the details of how their brother died a hero? Maybe that’s why he left his aunt and uncle’s address in the book of lyrics he gave me, because he wanted me to be the one to tell them.
But really, I don’t know what he would want. I only know what I want. And as crazy as it is, I want to tell them myself.
With a trembling hand, I pull the handle and push the door open. It’s a good thing I haven’t been able to eat all day, because I would be losing the contents of my stomach right about now. With every step toward their house, I have to find my courage all over again. Every muscle in my body is tense and trembling. Except my heart, which is robustly throbbing in my chest. I cross the street and drift up their driveway past a navy SUV. And then I’m standing on their porch. The door is painted the color of rust and a heart-shaped wreath hangs on it. The lacy curtains in the window are drawn, and I stand there for a minute, stalling, listening for noises on the other side of the door as I try to remember what I’m going to say.
I knock on the door. I’ve practiced the words a thousand times in my head, yet I feel so unprepared for this. The door opens way too soon, and there stands Kai’s sister. I know it’s her because she has the same blue-green eyes, and her curious expression is the same one I’ve seen on Kai’s face dozens of times. Suddenly my throat is closing up, and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from bursting into tears. I can’t talk, can’t look away, can’t do anything but stand there and try not to see Kai in her face.
Her brows pull together, and she takes a small step toward me. “Um … are you okay?”
I nod, swallowing hard, even though I’m far from okay. “Are you Hannah?” I ask, my voice a pitch higher than usual.
She tucks a piece of long hair behind her ear. Her hair is much darker than Kai’s, like Dad’s darkest chocolate. “Yeah. Why?”
I take a deep breath. “I’m Avery. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a bit.”
“About what?” Her tone is impatient, and her gaze is wandering down the street. She probably thinks I’m a solicitor or something. And she’s holding a pair of black socks, as though she’s getting ready to go somewhere.
“About your brother.”
“Kai?” She perks up, giving me her full attention.
“Yes. Kai.” I wince when I say his name.
Her hand goes to her stomach, where it clutches her snug black T-shirt. “What is it?”
I peer over her shoulder into her house, but don’t see anyone else. Just a shiny tile floor and a black upright piano. “Is Jane here?”
“No. She’s at karate.”
I want to tell them both. But I’m here, and Hannah knows I have something to tell her about Kai, so I can’t say, “Never mind, I’ll come back later.” I gesture to the porch steps. “Can we sit down?” My legs are shaking, and there’s no way I’m getting through this standing up.
She steps outside and shuts the door behind her, and we both sit on the top step. She turns toward me, anxiously picking at a frayed hole in her skinny jeans. “Is he in trouble?”
It’s so hard to look at her. Not only because she reminds me of Kai, but because I can see in her eyes how much she loves him. What I have to tell her is going to hurt. But if I were her, I’d want to know.
“He saved my life,” I say reverently. “I went surfing one day, and got into trouble, and he jumped in the water to save me.”
She smiles, but her face is still worried. “That sounds like something he’d do.”
I nod in agreement, knowing for myself how selfless a person Kai is. I take a deep breath, because the hardest part is next. “It was during a storm.” I’m trying so hard to keep my voice steady, but I’m failing miserably. “We were both hanging onto my surfboard, but then he got swept off by a wave and he … he didn’t resurface.” My voice is so small when I say the last part that I’m not sure she heard me. But then her hand comes to her mouth, and I know she heard loud and clear.
“What do you mean?” Her face goes even paler than her already milky complexion.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, bracing her with a hand on her thin arm. “He didn’t … he didn’t make it back to shore.”
“What?” Her eyes fill with tears, and she shakes her head in disbelief. “Are you telling me he’s …”
I nod once, unable to say the words because my throat has closed up again. She understands my meaning, because she drops her head into her hands and starts crying. And then I’m crying too, and I blanket an arm over her, doing my best to comfort her, even though I know there’s nothing that will ease her pain.
“When?” she asks between stuttering breaths.
“Last December. But I didn’t find out who he was until recently, because … they never found his body.”
She sits up straight, her mouth open as though she’s astonished by something I just said. “December? Wait a minute.” She settles a hand over her chest, seeming relieved. “I just saw him last month.” In one breath, her expression has changed from anguish to elation.
“What?”
“Yeah—he came here in June.” She wipes the tears from her cheeks. “It was a short visit, but he was here.”
“Oh
.” Of course he came to visit his sisters while he was here. This is a complication I didn’t prepare for, and now I have no idea what to say. I can’t exactly tell her that he was dead when he visited her.
“Are you sure he was the one who saved you?” she asks. “You said you just found out who he was. So what made you think it was him?”
“I … recognized him in a missing persons database,” I say numbly.
“Well then … he survived.” She takes a big breath of relief, then clutches my shoulder and smiles. “He’s a runaway. And supposed to be in foster care. At least for a few more months until he turns eighteen. So he probably took off when he got back to shore because he didn’t want to get caught.” She’s looking at me like she’s waiting for me to rejoice with her. I try to smile, but instead, my face crumples and I break down in tears. She wraps her arms around me and now she’s the one rubbing my back. “I know. Geez, that must have been horrible for you these last few months, thinking the guy who saved you was dead.”
This only makes me cry harder, and even though I’m a complete stranger to her, she lets me hold her and cry into her shoulder. It’s so bittersweet to have his sister in my arms. They share the same blood, or did, when he was alive. She’s the only person I’ve met that really knows him. I wish I could tell her how much I love him, just how much he means to me. I want to tell her everything he did for me, even after saving my life. And I want her to tell me everything she knows about him, to share all her memories of him. Because that would make him more real to me, more alive.
“Hey,” she says soothingly, leaning away so she can see my face. “Do you want me to tell him you’re looking for him? I can give him your contact info the next time I see him. I don’t know when that’ll be, but hopefully soon.”
I take a deep, shuddery breath. “Sure.” Because what else can I say? And then I realize that Hannah and Jane will never know what became of their brother. No one will know except me. And it doesn’t matter what I tell the detective now. If I tell him that it was Kai who saved me, then they’ll assume he survived when they talk to his sisters. I can never tell anyone the truth. This is a secret I’ll carry with me until the day I die.