The Beak Speaks

by Jeremy Strong

  Arnold leaned over to one side. ‘I’ve still got that leak,’ he said. ‘Are you sure I won’t run out of air?’

  ‘You’ll be fine. Wait here. I’m going to try and find someone to give the message to. I can fly across town and see things more easily than you. If I spot someone, I’ll come back and get you.’

  I launched myself into the air and began my search. There were one or two people wandering the streets, but it didn’t seem right to disturb them. I began to wonder what they would do if I appeared on their shoulder waving a crumpled bit of paper at them. Maybe they would think I was mad, shoo me away.

  I kept flying, round and round, swooping over the houses. In the distance there was a kind of faint singing going on. It sounded so eerie and beautiful. I was almost pulled towards it. Where was it coming from? There was a light at a window, and a figure sitting there. Someone was singing a song of such sweetness, not a human song at all, an animal’s song. It was an animal’s song, sung by a human. What kind of human would do that?

  I flew closer. I perched in a tree as close as I dared and I stared at the shadowy figure at the window. It was Miriana, the Madwoman from Romania!

  In an instant I was off again, back to Arnold. ‘I’ve found someone. She’ll help us, I’m sure. She’s mad – you’ll like her. Come on, it’s not far!’

  Arnold began to make his way across the gardens. He was ever so grumpy about it. His dressing gown kept getting caught on rose bushes and twigs and stuff. By the time we reached Miriana’s house it was torn and tatty, but at least we were there. Miriana was still at the window, singing.

  ‘I haven’t heard that song for ages,’ murmured Arnold, his eyes glistening.

  ‘The old ones are always the best. Let’s go up.’

  I was disappointed. I was expecting Miriana to be surprised. I flew straight to the window sill and landed with a flurry. ‘Ta ra!’

  She didn’t bat an eyelid! ‘I thought you might come,’ she said. ‘When there’s trouble I always get unusual visitors.’ A few seconds later Arnold hauled himself up on to the ledge.

  Miriana reached out and touched Arnold. ‘You are in bad way my friend, but is no problem. We clean you up. This dressing gown is Mark’s, I think. He give it you.’

  ‘Mark!’ I cried.

  ‘Clever bird,’ smiled Miriana. This was a truly intelligent woman. I mean, she could obviously see how bright I was. Oh yes!

  ‘So, what is going on, eh? What’s this? Some paper? Is message, yes?’

  Ten seconds later she was on the telephone to the police.

  A minute after that she was hurrying out of the house. She stopped at the door. Are you two coming?’

  Did she really need to ask? I only hesitated for a split second. I knew it meant going back to The Dark House, to face my nightmares again, but now there was so much at stake. Mr Peter had once saved my life. It was time to return the favour.

  15 Mark: Rescue!

  The Invasion was swift and hugely noisy. The entire street must have been woken by the sound of the front door of The Dark House being broken down by four policemen with a battering ram.

  The house shook with noise. The policemen were roaring at each other. The animals were howling and gibbering. Jaundice was bellowing at Divine and she was screaming back at him. I clutched Tammy close to me.

  The police came swarming through the house, flashing torches and waving truncheons as they charged about. They soon found us and had the cages open in no time.

  ‘Keep out of the way while we search the place,’ ordered their chief. ‘These animals are dangerous. OK, men, get up those stairs! Search the bathroom!’

  ‘Urgh! There’s a hippo sitting in the bath. It looks just like my granny!’

  ‘This room is full of snakes and lizards. It’s horrible. Aargh – spiders! I hate spiders! Gerroff, gerroff, gerroff! I’m going back.’ A trembling constable tried to take shelter in our room, but his boss barred the door.

  ‘Just keep searching, sunshine,’ he ordered. ‘Find those criminals.’

  Jaundice made a break for freedom by plunging down the stairs in his pyjamas, straight into another five policemen, who were rushing up towards him. They met in the middle and the whole bundle of them turned into a kind of rolling, human snowball, made up of flailing arms and legs. The ball came tumbling down the steps, one by one, bumpety-bump, until it reached the bottom, where it broke into bruised bits.

  Jaundice was carried out to the waiting police van. Meanwhile, the police rushed the stairs again, in a bid to capture Divine.

  The first thing she did was release all the vampire bats, driving them from their room, so that an immense cloud of flappy, squeaky creatures surrounded the men on the stairs. The police tried to protect themselves by hitting out at the bats, but more often than not they hit each other instead and soon they were rolling back down the stairs for the second time.

  In the meantime, Divine was racing around the top of the house releasing as many animals as she could, including the pygmy hippo, which now stood at the top of the stairs looking down at the police in complete bewilderment and barring the way to anyone coming up the stairs.

  Dad had joined in the pursuit. I think he wanted to get his hands on Divine and now he pushed his way to the front and gazed up at the hippo.

  ‘Let me go up,’ he told the police. ‘I know how to handle hippos.’

  Dad was so brave! I knew he had put medicine down a lion’s throat, but I had no idea he was good with hippos.

  He grabbed a truncheon, made his way up the stairs and there was the hippo, staring right at him. It might have been called a pygmy hippo, but it looked gigantic to me.

  ‘Come on, move, you big, fat lump,’ ordered Dad, and he gave the beast a poke.

  It might have been the poke that did it. It might have been that the hippo didn’t like being called a big, fat lump. It might have been that just as Dad poked the creature a vulture swooped low overhead and said, ‘Krarrrrkkkk!’ (Which probably meant ‘Make a run for it before they turn you into hippo pie!’ in vulture language.)

  Whatever, the hippo decided that it didn’t like being upstairs any longer and it wanted to be downstairs instead. Dad was in the way. The hippo didn’t bother with any ‘excuse me’, it

  simply barged into him, knocking him backwards. Dad fell awkwardly trapping his leg in the banisters. The hippo brushed him to one side and stomped off down the stairs.

  Dad was helpless. His leg was in a bad way. One of the beast’s massive toenails had sliced a gash in his forehead and blood was pouring out. The police went up to rescue him and I caught a glimpse of Divine as she looked back at Dad, a twisted smile on her face.

  ‘Oh, Peter,’ she teased. ‘You look so wonderful. Will you marry me?’ Her cackling laugh was worse than all the vultures put together. She blew him a kiss and then she was gone. She had escaped.

  Dad was taken straight to an ambulance. Tamsin and I sat inside with him and listened to the uproar from the house. Then the engine started up and we were heading for the hospital. It was only then I realized that my heart had been thundering away all that time, thumping and banging like a kangaroo in a box.

  I didn’t know what to do, what to think. I wanted to get to the hospital, so that Dad could be fixed up. I wanted to get to The Dark House, so that I could help the animals. I wanted to track down Divine, like a leopard closing in on his prey.

  And then what? I had no idea what I wanted to do to Divine. I was absolutely furious with myself. I had been so stupid! This whole thing had been my fault. And all along I thought that Divine was the one, that she was the one who would be good for Dad and good for all of us. I stared out through the window of the racing ambulance in silence.

  16 Dinah: The Marvellous Madwoman

  Such a noise! The street was full of people when we arrived. Miriana wanted to go in, but there were police at the door. She looked at the police cars outside and saw Jaundice sitting in one of them, scowling at everything. But there
was no sign of Divine.

  Miriana pulled Arnold away from the door. ‘Come, my friend, we go from here. Is too much noise, too much rushing. Divine Goddess will be trying to escape. I must think.’

  She lifted Arnold on to her back and carried him up the road, while I perched on her head.

  She didn’t seem to mind and her hair made a wonderfully soft nest. When we got to the corner of the street she stopped.

  ‘OΚ. Now, you stay quiet and I listen.’

  There was a short silence. Arnold began leaning to one side.

  ‘Arnold – shhhh! Not now!’ I hissed.

  ‘But I’ll explode,’ he warned.

  ‘Just keep quiet!’

  There was a long silence. Miriana closed her eyes and listened. I closed my eyes and listened, trying to catch the faintest sounds of Divine making her break for freedom. Then we heard it.

  Spppllrrrrrgh!

  ‘Arnold!’

  ‘Sorry’

  ‘Stay here,’ murmured Miriana. ‘Is danger on street. Leave to me.’

  At that moment Divine appeared from behind a hedge. She came running across the road, quite unaware of us, and immediately behind her came the hyenas, the whole pack, snarling and slavering. She was using them as guard dogs!

  Miriana got up from beside us and stepped right in front of her.

  ‘Hello, Goddess,’ she growled.

  ‘What do you want? Get out of my way!’

  ‘Oh, so sorry. You want go somewhere? But no, you must stay.’ Miriana scowled. ‘You bad girl. You stand in corner!’

  ‘Out of my way or I shall set my dogs on you!’

  Miriana gazed at the growling beasts. ‘You think these dog? You not so clever. Is hyena. Very nasty bite.’

  Divine was not going to waste any more time and she turned to the snapping monsters. ‘Get her!’ she cried.

  The beasts leaped forward, but Miriana hardly moved. She held out one hand, stared straight at the scavengers and she purred. Unbelievable! I’ve seen some neat stunts, but this was incredible! Miriana stood there and simply purred in her low, rolling voice.

  ‘Oh, you nice animals, so soft, so handsome. I like you, oh yes, like little babies. Yes, you roll over and I tickle your tummy like so.’

  Divine wanted to scream. The hyenas were backing off. They sat down in the road. They lay down. Two of them rolled over and Miriana gently scratched their bellies. Miriana looked up at Divine. ‘This very dangerous animal,’ she smiled.

  At which point Divine completely lost her cool and lashed out with a flying kick. Miriana caught the foot with one vice-like hand. For a second the two women glared at each other, eyeball to eyeball. Miriana let go, but still they stared at each other.

  ‘Now, you all come with me,’ Miriana said simply.

  Divine couldn’t speak. It was as if she had been hypnotized. Miriana whistled to the hyenas and they trotted along behind.

  Arnold groaned and sat down. ‘I mustn’t walk any more,’ he said. ‘I’m having babies and I don’t want to tread on them.’

  ‘You’re what? Arnold, you’re a boy. Boy chimps can’t have babies.’

  ‘I am,’ he insisted. ‘Ten babies. Look, they’re coming out of my feet. See?’

  ‘Those are your toes, Arnold.’

  ‘They’re not babies?’

  ‘No.’

  He gave a little sigh and then smiled at me. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you, Dinah.’

  We walked back to The Dark House. Divine was handed over to the police and the hyenas were taken care of by Animal Rescue. Miriana wanted to know where Mr Peter and the children were. Her face fell when she heard the news. One of the policemen noticed her concern and he opened his car door.

  ‘Hop in,’ he said. ‘I’ll drop you at the hospital. I’ve got to go past it on my way’ He didn’t have to go past the hospital at all, but he was a kind man. He didn’t even refuse when Miriana asked if she could take a chimp and a mynah bird with her.

  17 Mark: Everyone Should Know This Cure

  We were all put into beds at the hospital, three of us in a row. The nurse said it was like looking after the Three Bears. The doctor said it was more like Three Little Pigs. Tammy and I were fine. We were tired and dirty but the nurses soon sorted us out. It was Dad I worried about.

  They wouldn’t let us see him until they’d cleaned him up. Luckily he didn’t have any broken bones, but he was badly bruised and the cut on his head was pretty impressive. He had nine stitches. He asked the doctor how many buttons they were sewing on!

  It all went quiet after that, and I was glad because it gave me time to get something off my mind. ‘I’m sorry about all this, Dad.’

  ‘It’s not your fault!’ Dad seemed surprised.

  ‘It is. If I hadn’t put that advert in the Lonely Hearts column, none of this would have happened.’

  Dad was silent for a long time. I thought, He’s angry. He can’t think what to say to me. He’s just angry, angry, angry and it’s all my fault. Then he reached across to my bed and squeezed my hand.

  ‘Listen,’ he whispered at last. ‘If it hadn’t been for your advert, I would never have met Divine, that’s true. I thought she was so beautiful. I really did think she liked me, and I liked her.’

  There was another pause. ‘And I would never have met the Madwoman from Romania either. She’s very strange. Her eyes haunt me, everywhere I go. I don’t think I have ever seen such dark eyes. But she makes me so cross! I don’t suppose I shall see her again.’

  It must have been some kind of magic, because at that moment guess who walked in! The Madwoman from Romania!

  ‘Are you his wife?’ asked one of the nurses.

  ‘Not yet,’ said Miriana. ‘But soon.’

  ‘I’m not marrying you,’ cried Dad.

  ‘You be quiet,’ Miriana snapped back. ‘You sick man. You rest.’

  ‘She’s quite right,’ agreed the nurse.

  ‘They can go home?’ asked Miriana.

  ‘Well, the thing is he should stay in bed for at least three days. Who will look after the children, or indeed Mr Draper himself?’

  I started to get out of bed. ‘It’s all right,’ I began. ‘I’ll keep an eye on Dad. I’m used to organizing everything.’

  Dad groaned and began to mutter something under his breath about being saved from a fate worse than death, but I think he was getting feverish. Miriana grabbed my feet and lifted them back on the bed.

  ‘And you, Mr Leopard, you get into bed. Now I in charge.’ Dad groaned even louder and began muttering about frying pans and fires. Miriana ignored him and turned to the nurse.

  ‘Is no problem. I look after them.’

  ‘Brilliant!’ Tammy whispered to me, and sucked her thumb.

  And that is exactly what happened. We were allowed home and Miriana came with us. Dad was put to bed and Miriana made everyone breakfast. Then Tammy and I went to bed and slept and slept and slept.

  Over the next few days Dad slowly got better. Miriana wouldn’t let him see anyone, not even Miss Pettigrew when she called round. She had a bunch of grapes with her.

  ‘Is he all right? I brought these for him.’

  ‘Is very kind,’ nodded Miriana. ‘Thank you. Have we met before? At clinic maybe?’

  Miss Pettigrew coloured a little. ‘No, I don’t think so. I thought I might show him my mouse. It’s got a bent tail. I found it in my classroom. It’s rather sweet. I thought he might like some company. I could sit with him for a bit.’

  Miriana smiled. ‘Ah, now I understand. You like Vetman!’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Miss Pettigrew. ‘I prefer Superma – oh! Vetman! You mean Mr Draper. Yes, he is very nice, but he’s lonely you know and I thought –

  Miriana interrupted. ‘Listen, I tell you story. Once upon time I meet Vetman and we fall in love and we marry. Then I Mrs Vetman and we have five children and we live happy ever forever. The End.’

  ‘Oh, I see. It’s like that,’ sighed Miss Pettigrew. ‘I�
��ll go home then. Tell me, is that a chimpanzee watching your television?’

  ‘Yes. Is programme about hospitals. He like a lot.’

  So life slowly got back to normal, if you can call it normal to live in a house run by a Madwoman from Romania, with a chimpanzee and a much-too-clever mynah bird.

  Tamsin made a little gift for Dad to cheer him up. ‘It’s a crockadipe,’ Tammy told him. ‘Miriana helped me and the paint doesn’t come off and it can’t go soggy.’

  ‘I’m very pleased to hear it.’

  The police had to come round a couple of times to take statements from Dad and Miriana. That was when we discovered what Miriana had actually done that morning.

  ‘You tamed five wild hyenas?’ Dad was astonished.

  ‘So? Is easy.’

  ‘And you hypnotized Divine so that she followed you like a tame lamb? How?’

  Miriana shrugged. ‘Is old Romanian gift. My grandmother taught me.’

  ‘She’s an old Romanian,’ I chimed in.

  ‘But hyenas – that’s incredible.’

  ‘Listen, Mr Vetman, I was born close to country of Dracula. Is strange place. I can do many things.’

  After a couple of days or so, Dad got up and began to wander about, a bit stiffly at first, but he was improving all the time.

  ‘You walk like ostrich,’ Miriana told him.

  ‘I do not!’

  ‘Oh yes, is ostrich, like so.’ Miriana strutted up and down. Tammy fell about laughing.

  ‘You’re an ostrich, Daddy.’

  ‘I am not!’ Dad was so cross. He made a real effort not to walk like an ostrich. His face suddenly screwed up in pain and he froze on the spot. ‘Ow! My back!’

  Miriana rushed over and held his arms. ‘OΚ,’ she said. ‘Now, easy, put your hands on my shoulders like so. Good. Now I put my hands here.’ Miriana placed her hands on Dad’s waist.