by Desmond Haas
“I think this is an obvious question after reading some of your messages, but do you love him?”
“I do. I do with everything I am. I love him so much and wish I could be there with him.”
“I wish you could as well. If you want to come here and be with him, please let me know. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll call you as soon as there’s any change in his condition.”
After I rang off with Judith, Linda held me and comforted me. Hours passed before I fell into an exhausted sleep. The next morning, I called David and told him I wouldn’t be in, and he understood.
The rest of the day was a blur. I needed to get out of the house, so I traveled to London and walked around, mostly in tears. Later that afternoon, tired of walking, I was ready to go back to my flat, but wanted to visit Sam’s favorite place and tell Carlo what had happened. I took a taxi to Fino’s.
Just like the time I walked in with Sam, Carlo loomed a few feet away, greeting early diners. He looked in my direction. When he saw my face, he walked over, took me in his arms, and I collapsed in tears.
When I collected myself, Carlo took me back to his office, signaling to his staff where they could find him. Inside, I dabbed my eyes and apologized.
“You have nothing to apologize for. Did something happen between you and Sam?”
“No, not between us. Sam has been in an accident and has a spinal cord injury and some burns. His mother called me last night after getting back from hospital, and after I awoke this morning, I couldn’t stay in my flat any longer. I’ve been walking around London all day, worrying about him.
“What do you want to do?” he asked me.
“I want to see him. I need to be with him.”
“Are you going to go to the States, to the hospital?”
“I can’t. I have a job, a flat, and I can’t afford to go.”
“Mia Bella, You should be with him and he with you. Go to him. Take care of him.”
“Carlo? Didn’t you hear what I said? I can’t afford to go to him.”
“Shh. Shh. Please sit here and have a glass of wine. Do you want something to eat?”
“No, I can’t eat.”
“Sit and relax. My staff will bring you something to drink, and I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
I sat, but between bouts of tears, I wanted to leave, go back to my flat, climb under the covers, and sleep. Finally, after not being able to sit any longer, I got up to go to the door, but before I touched the handle, it opened, and Carlo came in.
“Sit. Sit. You need to relax for a few minutes.”
“I’m okay. I just want to go home.”
“You don’t have time for that. In twenty minutes my car will be here, and I’ve instructed my driver to take you home to pack. Then, he will drive you to Heathrow, where you’ll get on a KLM flight to Orlando to be with Sam. Do you have anyone in Orlando to pick you up?”
“I can’t afford that.”
“There is nothing to afford. It is done. You need to be with Sam and I am going to make it happen. It’s the least I can do for one of my favorite customers,” Carlo said with a smile.
I got to my feet and gave Carlo a hug. “I don’t know what to say, but thank you.”
“You need to take care of him, and to do that, you need to be at his side. Do you have any transport once you get there?”
“I can call Sam’s mother to pick me up, and I’ll either stay with her or in Sam’s apartment.”
“Good. Are you sure you won’t have anything to eat?”
“No, I don’t think I could hold it down.”
Carlo sat with me until the car arrived. Again he brought me to his massive chest with a hug, strong enough to let me know I’d be okay. Exhaustion hit me during the ride to my flat, and I fell asleep, knowing I would soon be with Sam.
Linda met me at my flat, and I told her what Carlo had done, how he arranged the car and the flight to Florida.
“Come on, move your arse,” Linda said. “We have to pack. There are only a few hours until your plane.”
Linda helped me, but mostly we just threw things into a couple of duffle bags. Done packing, I sent an email to David, telling him what had happened and what I was doing. I called Judith.
“I’m sorry to wake you. Is there any further news?
“He’s the same, but at least he isn’t worse,” she said, her voice hoarse from sleep.
“I have tickets for a flight out of Heathrow in a few hours. Can you pick me up and take me to him?”
“Oh, yes! Tell me your flight information, and I’ll be there. Of course, you’ll stay with me, so don’t make any other plans.”
By His Side
With the anxiety and lack of sleep the night before, exhaustion overwhelmed me. I got a few hours sleep on the two flights. Arriving in Orlando, I cleared customs and found Judith by the little placard she held with my name. I ran to her, threw my arms around her, and found her to be as warm and accepting as Sam.
Once we got in her car, I asked, “Are we going straight to hospital?”
“Do you want to go back to my place and freshen before you see Sam?
“No, I need to see him. I want to be with him.”
“Okay, we’ll go straight to the hospital.”
Before we went into his room, Judith pulled me to the side and told me Sam had tubes and wires connected to him, and his head and right side had large bandages covering his wounds and burns. We had to put on gowns, gloves, and paper hats before we were allowed in, to prevent infection.
She let me walk in first, and I stopped as soon as I saw him. She put her hands on my shoulders. “You can go closer.”
I took a few hesitant steps. He was so pale and looked nothing like the Sam I remembered, but I was with him.
Judith and I stayed with Sam for a few hours that evening before she took me to her house to sleep. The next day we stayed with him until visiting hours ended. Then we went some place to talk, until the next session.
Each day was the same as the last; Judith and I got up, ate breakfast, and visited Sam until visiting hours ended. At night we talked about everything from clothing to movies and, of course, Sam. She wanted to know how Sam and I met and where we were in our relationship before the accident. I told her we were pretty intense and spent whatever time we could with each other talking and walking. She related some of the things Sam told her about us. Towards the end of my first week in Orlando, I believed she had no doubts about our relationship.
Sam’s dad left the family when Sam was a small boy, so he’d had no real male role model other than relatives and friends. I did ask Judith if she thought about remarrying. She told me she hasn’t felt the need or met anyone.
Sam’s condition hadn’t changed much, although he was healing. In a way, the coma saved him from the painful changing of his dressings and the necessary skin grafts. They told us Sam’s face and arm would be permanently scarred, but he wouldn’t lose his sight.
With little progress, I really didn’t know what to do, whether I should go back to the UK or should I stay longer. After speaking with Judith, I decided to stay another few weeks and notified David at work to either arrange a sabbatical for me or, if he had to let me go, I would understand. Empathetic in nature, David told me to take as much time as I needed; my job would be there when I got back.
I called my mother, who didn’t care either way. We never got along, which is why I moved away from home when I was seventeen. I did want to let her know I was still in the States. I also called my father, divorced from mother for the last seven years, and told him in more detail about what happened and where I was. Sweet and caring, he asked what he could he do to help me and if I needed anything. The only thing I needed, I told him, was a prayer or two for Sam. Dad told me he’d get the church congregation involved.
Days later, Dad sent me a few hundred quid by transferring it to Judith’s bank account. Living in a small flat in East London and barely getting by, I knew Dad didn’t have money to spare. The
money, he told me, came from his friends at church. He told them about Sam and that I had to go to the States to be with him.
At the beginning of Sam’s hospitalization, Dr. Michaels had told us Sam’s spinal cord had not been severed, but was pinched and bruised.
“What does that mean?” I’d asked.
“For the time being,” Dr. Michaels said, “Sam is paralyzed from the waist down and has maybe a fifty percent chance at recovering some mobility, but if he regains any feeling, it will take months, if not years for a full recovery.”
After he’d been in hospital nearing one month, I needed to make some hard decisions.
I called Linda to fill her in on Sam’s condition and asked her for some insight to help me make up my mind.
“I’m in limbo here,” I told her. “Sam hasn’t made much progress, he’s still in a coma, and I don’t know what the future holds for us when he does wake up.”
She told me, “Sam would say ‘listen to your heart.’”
“I know, and I’m trying to, but I’m confused. I have a life back there.”
“Listen to me. When Sam regains consciousness, where would you want to be?”
“Oh, here, of course,” I said.
“From what you’re telling me of his injuries, he’ll need a lot of care. So, if you do stay, are you up to that challenge?”
I thought about what Linda said and knew whatever I decided would change my life. If I stayed, I’d have to commit to be with Sam, no matter what. Could I leave England and be with him and an uncertain future? If I didn’t stay, would I ever see him again?
“Thanks. You helped me make a decision. I don’t know what the future holds, but whichever way it goes, it’s going to be with Sam.”
“Good girl. That’s what I’d do. Do you want me to come over there for a while?”
“Not yet. Maybe when Sam comes home from hospital we can all get together…once he feels he’s up to it.”
“Just let me know. I have some money in the bank and can borrow from my friends.”
She was such a dear, and I was fortunate to have her as a friend. I could envision a day when we’d all be together again and happy. I hoped that day would be sooner rather than later.
A fortnight passed. I was again losing hope. Sam’s burns were healing, and he’d been off the ventilator for a while. Depressed and still thinking about going back to the UK, I was uncomfortable being Judith’s guest and felt like I was taking advantage of her hospitality. I tried to give her money, but she refused. She told me to consider her home mine as well. Still, I had thoughts of making some arrangements in my life, as I couldn’t see myself not doing anything but sitting in the hospital all day. I know those thoughts are not what I wanted, but I was still confused. My confusion vanished upon getting to the hospital. Leave it to Sam to help me when I needed him most.
Judith and I walked into Sam’s room to see him and an attractive nurse talking with each other. Judith, always alert, said, “Sam, don’t you go flirting with that pretty nurse.”
“Mother, she’s married,” he said and turned towards her voice.
The look on his face made me wish I had a camera. As stunned as I was seeing Sam awake, he was also stunned seeing me. It took a push from his mother to move me across the room to his bed.
I wanted to throw my arms around him, but I was afraid of hurting him. I leaned down, instead, kissed his lips, and held his one hand with both of mine. I didn’t know what to say.
“When did you get here?” he asked.
“A while ago.”
“She’s been here ever since the accident, nearly six weeks now, spending every day in this room listening to you not talking to her.” Judith said.
“You’ve been here that long? Why?” he asked.
I was finally able to get my voice and said, “Besides missing you, I wanted to be with you, to take care of you.”
He squeezed my hand, and his eyes closed.
Sam tired easily and stayed awake only a few hours at a time. By noon the next day, Dr. Michaels visited and with us present, explained everything in detail. In the morning, after an examination, they scheduled moving Sam from ICU to the burn unit. Once he completed all the skin grafts, Sam could go home and do outpatient rehabilitation. When Dr. Michaels mentioned going home, Sam looked at me and then his mother.
“Where is home going to be?” he asked.
“You can’t stay in your apartment,” Judith said. “It’s too small, and there is no easy access. For now, I’ll get some contractors to make my house wheelchair accessible.”
“What about my apartment?”
“Marisa and I will clean it out and pack up everything. The furniture and large pieces we will put in storage. We’ll bring the rest to the house.”
“What about you?” he asked, looking at me. “How long are you going to stay?”
“For as long as you want me to.”
“And your job and flat in London?”
“I’m on sabbatical now, but if necessary, I’ll resign. Sam, it’s not a problem. My place is with you, wherever you are.”
“We’ll talk later,” Sam said. “I’m getting tired.”
He turned his head away, and his response was not what I expected. I thought he would be happy to be together, not withdrawn. I was in a fog and felt as if the floor had dropped from under me.
Judith took me out of the room, sat me down in a visiting area, and said, “Sam is taking in way too much, and I don’t blame him a bit for his reaction. He’s confused about himself, and his world has turned upside down. Everything he had, his job, his apartment, getting a new job to be with you--all of that is gone. I know it’s difficult seeing him like this. As you know, he’s the type that wants to be in control, and now that control is gone.
“He’ll be dependent on us and won’t like it,” Judith continued. “You’ll have to bathe him and take care of all his medical needs. He won’t like any of it one bit. I need to ask you this, and you’ll have to give me an answer within the next day or so. Are you prepared to give up your life and devote yourself to him? If not…if you can’t see yourself being strong, stronger than he is, able to boss him around when necessary, be his caretaker twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week…if you can’t be everything to him, then don’t be afraid to say so.”
“Judith, you’re already a good friend, and I won’t tell you anything but the truth. I can’t see myself doing anything else. There is no other life for me without Sam.”
“Good, I knew you would say that. So, let’s get to work. Go back in there and ignore his ramblings and rants.”
The next few days were hell. Sam withdrew more, ignored me, and barely put up with anyone. In short, he was a real bastard. I shadowed the nurses and hospital technicians to learn everything I needed to know to take care of him.
I met some of his friends when they stopped by to chat. Judith introduced me to his boyhood chum, Trent, who went out of his way to befriend me. He said, “If he gives you any shit, you call me!”
He came by to see Sam almost every evening, bringing dinner with him, and it wasn’t long before he and I got along quite well.
Days later, I asked Judith if I could call Linda in the UK, as I missed her, and truthfully, I wanted to cry on her shoulder again. When I reached her, I filled her in on all of the details and told her our schedule, if she wanted to plan a visit.
I decided to burn a bridge as well. Once I did, there would be no going back to my old life. I told her to clean out my flat, ship anything she thought I would need, and put the rest in storage.
“It’s going to be one day at a time, and after speaking with his mother, I don’t care what Sam says. He can’t get rid of me. We’ll see if he can hold up to Cyclone Marisa.”
“That’s my girl!”
Linda had an extra key to my flat, as I did hers, so I knew everything was in capable hands. With those worries away, I worked with Judith to arrange everything in the house so Sam’s wheelchair could
move about. She had Sam’s insurance company pay for remodeling the bath by putting in a sling with a lift so we could bathe him. Medical supplies arrived, and we used a closet in the spare bedroom, converted for Sam’s use, to store all his necessities.
* * * *
The big day arrived and his friends made it an occasion, coordinated by Trent. They hung a huge ‘Welcome Home Sam’ banner outside the front door, brought in more food than an army needed, and filled the room with fresh cut flowers.
At five o’clock, the ambulance arrived, and I was torn as to whether I should run out and greet Sam or stay inside. Judith took care of my indecision by taking my hand and leading me to the ambulance.
The side door of the ambulance opened, and there was Sam in his wheelchair. His friends, relatives, and even the neighbors gathered on the front lawn and cheered his arrival. The attendants wheeled him to a mechanical lift and lowered him to the walkway. I took a deep breath and told them I’ll take it from there.
Sam looked much better. His skin tone had improved, but he still had bandages on the right side of his face and arm. As I wheeled him up the new ramp, everyone crowded around, wishing him well.
I was sitting in the living room later, speaking with everyone, when someone rang the doorbell. I opened the door expecting more well-wishers, and found Linda standing there holding two of my sheer, thong undies. Everyone in the living room turned to look at her, and she said, “I didn’t know if you wanted the red one or the black, so I thought I should ask.”