by Nicole Helm
“You are such an ass,” Shelby yelled, flinging her arms toward Trevor before storming in the house.
Callie patted his knee. “Go talk to her. I’m going to head home. I’ll see you tomorrow, huh?”
“Yeah, leave me here to suffer.”
She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She didn’t even bend down to kiss him before she was walking to her car.
When her car disappeared, Trevor felt like he was floating in an ocean all alone with only the hope somehow he could get through to the two crazy women in his life.
Chapter Twenty-One
Callie sat in her grandfather’s office—actually now it was Lawson’s office. Except, Lawson wasn’t here right now so she was pretending nothing had changed, even though many of the piles had been cleared out and organized and the smell of cigars was so faint she really had to sniff to bring it to life.
Em and Law and the boys had all gone home for the evening, but Callie stayed. Desperate for some peace. Desperate for some answers.
She was coming up empty. Feelings drowned out thought, drowned out action. It was like the time after her grandmother’s death when she’d been so overwhelmed with everything but hadn’t figured out a way to channel it.
Booze and boys weren’t an appropriate answer this time, and even throwing herself into her work didn’t help as it had after Gramps’s death. Now, wrapped up in her work were memories of Trevor and all he’d done to help over the summer.
Callie pulled her knees up to her chin and stared out the window at the black night. Black. It suited her mood.
Trevor had all but said he loved her. The “all but” being imperative to remember. Except of course he’d meant he loved her. And he did. That was the scary part. It wasn’t something Trevor would lie about.
Even though in some distant part of her heart the knowledge warmed, her brain was on overdrive swimming through fear and panic and so many feelings she couldn’t identify.
How could he love her? She was such a mess. Sure, a better mess than she had been years ago, but still. She’d never been in a real relationship before, and she was scared to death of losing anyone who meant anything to her because she knew over and over how hard it was to deal. She was scraping the bottom of the barrel of coping mechanisms. There wasn’t much left to give.
Trevor was good and strong and perfect. He was smart. He was successful. He knew how to be around people and comfort and save. Maybe he made mistakes occasionally, but in her current mood she was having trouble giving those any play.
She’d never saved anyone or anything. At her best, she could listen to a person’s problems. At her worst, she told them to go to hell. She was rude and cranky and not overly feminine. What was there to love?
That was the true source of the fear. It had been so easy to blame it on all the other factors and ignore this sharp pain, this sad, bleak truth.
She didn’t think she was good enough.
That sounded pathetic. She was being pathetic. She couldn’t crawl out of that self-pitying hole, and what she really wanted to do was talk to Em. No. Scratch that. Em would say exactly what Callie had no interest in hearing.
He loves you. You love him. Ask him to stay.
Hell no. The thought had the contents of her stomach threatening to revolt. How could she put her heart on the line when she knew it wasn’t good enough?
“Callie?”
Her whole body jerked at the sound of Trevor’s voice. When he appeared at the top of the stairs, she couldn’t find her voice.
“Where the hell have you been? You were supposed to meet me in the shop a half hour ago.”
She’d forgotten. Or last track of time or she didn’t know. She hadn’t been able to go down there and face him. Not with all the doubts and fears and insecurities plaguing her mind.
“Sorry.”
He crossed over to the window seat, worry lines etched on his face. He wouldn’t be angry. No, that wouldn’t fit Trevor the Protector. Trevor had to be worried and sympathetic. “What’s wrong?”
Callie shook her head, fought to find her voice. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”
He slid next to her on the seat, and when he pulled her legs over his lap she nearly cried. Instead, she pulled her legs back and moved into a standing position. “We need to talk.”
He frowned up at her. “I guess we do. I’d also guess whatever you want to talk about isn’t something we’re going to agree on.”
“We can’t do this anymore.”
His frown deepened and he got to his feet. “Do what anymore?”
Callie swallowed, not daring to meet his intent gaze. Though panic seized her mind, urged her to get it all out, a piece of her heart jumped to her throat, blocked the words. She swallowed, croaked out one word. “This.” She gestured between the two of them.
He was silent, completely silent. He stood there, staring at her. Callie turned away and hugged herself, but she couldn’t stand the silence. “It’s not working. It was a bad idea. It’s… It’s just…” Callie squeezed her eyes shut. It had been more than a week since she’d tried to explain things to Em and she never could get any further than that damn just word. “It’s just not.”
“It’s just not?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s all you’ve got?” Worry was gone, and there was the anger she’d been looking for minutes earlier. It didn’t make her feel any better. It didn’t make her feel anything except less in control, less sure. She had to be sure.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’ve told you all along that this was going to be temporary. It needs to be a little more temporary than we thought. Things got too…” Too what? Too good. Too comforting. Too scary and threatening and complicated.
“I love you, Callie.”
She shook her head, dug her nails into her arms. “Don’t.” Her voice broke, but he was continuing anyway before she could beg him not to say it.
“And you love me.”
Panic mixed with the sick feelings inside of her and she whirled to face him. “I never said that.” When he narrowed his eyes, she turned around so her back was to him. “Not really.”
“Bullshit.” She couldn’t remember a time she’d ever heard Trevor so angry, and she didn’t know what to do about it. He wasn’t supposed to be angry. Maybe hurt, maybe upset, but then he was supposed to understand and walk away. Not argue.
“You do love me, even if you’re too chickenshit to really say it. You do even if you’re being a total and utter moron right now.”
Insult had her bristling through all the darkness inside her mind. She turned to face him again and mustered her best disdainful old Callie look. “Are you done?”
“Hell no, I’m not done.” It exploded from his lips with such force Callie almost winced. “I won’t be done until you get it through your head that this…” He gestured at the space between them. “This is it. This is what should be.”
Callie tried to push past him to the stairs. She had to escape, had to get away from his words and him and everything she felt, but his hand clamped on to her arm.
“Let me go.”
“Let me in.”
She wrenched her arm away, barely resisted the urge to punch and pummel him. She resisted only because she was afraid of the tears and emotion that would come with the physical outburst.
She couldn’t let her guard down.
“Trevor, I can’t make this work. I’m sorry. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Not that big of a deal.” He looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language he didn’t understand. Maybe she was. He looked at the world through his normal, rational mind. What could he possibly understand about all the flaws inside of her? “Have you lost your fucking mind?”
“You promised we could end this in September and still be friends.” Callie was disgusted with herself when it came out sounding like she was begging. “I’m moving up the expiration date a little bit.”
“I never promi
sed a damned thing. What would it matter if I did?” He threw his arms into the air. “You don’t believe in promises anyway.”
“No, I don’t.” She clenched her hands into fists and gritted her teeth.
“Fine.” He whirled away from her and headed for the stairs. He was halfway down them before her brain caught up.
“Fine? That’s it?”
He stopped, turned to face her, and she’d never, ever seen him look so cold or emotionless before. “Yeah. Fine. You don’t want to do this? Okay. You don’t want to believe one fucking word that comes out of my mouth. Just fucking great. You think I’m going to beg? Screw you.”
And then he stomped down the remaining steps and disappeared. Callie sank onto the floor. It took a few minutes for the tears to form, but once they did, there was no stopping them.
Rage was not an emotion Trevor was used to. It took a lot to get him going. It had made him a good cop, an excellent FBI agent. He’d been good at it because few things got under his skin.
So, the rage that had him stomping to his car, wrenching the driver’s side door open, wasn’t something he knew how to handle.
He knew Callie loved him. Knew it. That’s why her trying to break things off was so damn infuriating. She was scared and panicked and if he could keep his cool he could talk her out of this whole stupid thing.
But he couldn’t keep his cool. He couldn’t hold on to his normal calm. What more did he have to do to prove to Callie that this was it? If she didn’t feel it now, trust it now, believe it now, what the hell could he do to make that change?
Trevor sat in the driver’s seat with the door still open and looked helplessly at the sky. It was black. No stars, no moon, just an eerie endless black. He knew he should shut the door and drive home, but when he went to dig his keys out of his pocket his hands were shaking.
What the fuck was happening to him? What was he letting her do to him? And why, damn it, why couldn’t he just walk away and cut his losses?
“Trevor?”
He jumped a foot, swore, and thanked God he didn’t carry a weapon anymore because his finger would have been on the trigger at the surprise interruption.
“Sorry,” Lawson offered, just barely illuminated by the interior light of Trevor’s car. “Thought you heard me come up.”
“No. I’m headed home.”
“Right.” Lawson stepped back. “See you later, man.” He began to walk toward the office buildings, but before Trevor could put his key in the ignition, Lawson turned around and started talking.
“I don’t like to stick my nose into other people’s business,” Lawson began, hesitantly walking toward the car. “But, I’m guessing by the fact that you looked like you could have killed me with your bare hands, you and Callie aren’t exactly seeing eye to eye, and Em will kill me if she finds out I saw you here and didn’t say anything.”
“Why don’t you go talk to Callie instead?”
Lawson snorted. “I know I was gone a long time, but I’m not stupid.”
If Trevor wasn’t still so pissed he would have laughed. Trying to get through to Callie was stupid. Why bother?
“Um, just, cut her some slack.” At Trevor’s muttered oath, Lawson rocked back on his heels. “You know as well as I do what she’s been through. Shit like this is hard for her.”
Trevor shook his head. “Life’s been hard, but you know what? I’m not exactly sitting around with a full family table either. You don’t see me running for the hills.”
“Right, but…” Lawson let out a loud breath. “Jeez, I don’t get why people like butting into other people’s business. Look, it’s not just losing her parents and Gramps and Grandma. It’s not just about the death stuff. People walk away from her all the time.”
“Lawson—”
“I know, maybe it’s not an excuse, but I left. My parents moved away. Hell, she had a stepmother for four years and lost her too, although that was her own choice. The point is, aside from Em, no one’s ever stuck for her, you know? Don’t give up on her quite yet.”
Trevor sighed. “I don’t think I could if I wanted to, but she’s got to let me in.” That was all he wanted. He didn’t want to walk away, didn’t want to join the ranks that had deserted her, but a man could only do so much.
“Yeah, man. Just stick. She’ll come around eventually.”
The sound of a door opening and closing interrupted the sound of bugs and hoots of owls. He couldn’t see through the dark that far, but he imagined Callie was on her way home.
Trevor shook his head. “I gotta go.”
Lawson stepped back. “Yeah. See you around.”
Trevor turned the key in the ignition. He was still mad, but the rage had weakened into something bearable. Could he stick with a woman who pushed him away at every damned turn?
Well, he’d come this far.
Callie stood in the dark. Even though she couldn’t hear what they were saying she could see Trevor in his car and Lawson talking to him. She figured he’d be gone. She’d given him time to leave, hadn’t she? Now he was just sitting there talking to Lawson like nothing had happened.
Callie sniffed, wiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hand. Finally, Lawson stepped back and Trevor drove away. She should walk home, leave it at that, but there was a whole hell of a lot of anger inside of her and nowhere to throw it.
“What did you talk to him about?” Callie called into the darkness.
“You, unfortunately.”
“Stay out of my business. You have no right.”
“I know I don’t, but Em-”
“She doesn’t have a right either.” The tears were threatening again. Damn it. How was it possible there were more tears to shed?
“She’s probably the only one that does. You know I don’t like to meddle-”
“Then don’t. You don’t know a damn thing about my life.” Em wanted her to break down walls? Em wanted her to express what she felt. Well, here was some damn expression for everyone.
“No, and I’ll take partial responsibility for that.” He sounded almost sad, almost apologetic, but then his voice hardened. “Partial.”
“Fuck off, Lawson.”
“You’re the one who called me over here.”
Callie shook her head, started to walk away. She wanted to be alone. She deserved to be alone. Where no one would care what she did or how badly she screwed up.
“I told him to cut you some slack.” Law’s voice rose over the distance. “And I told him he should stick.”
More tears. Why didn’t anyone understand? Why did everyone refuse to listen? Sticking wasn’t possible. Not with her, not for her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Shelby stood in front of the joint gravestone not sure what she should be feeling. She was leaving for college tomorrow. She was happy and excited and nervous and ready.
Why was she standing here in the midst of all this death? Even though their names were etched onto the stone with birth dates and death dates, her parents weren’t here. Not really. She didn’t feel them. Standing here, she felt empty and alone.
“Great minds think alike.”
Shelby turned to see Trevor standing a few feet behind her. He looked like hell. Which suited the mood he’d been in the past few days. All dark and cranky and mopey. She’d finally figured out why on Friday during the AIF lunch. Em had made a big deal about having a kind of going away lunch for her and Dan, even though they’d likely be back for part of the fly-in. Shelby had been excited about it, until she’d noticed the current of tension running under everything.
Now it wasn’t just Callie and Em ignoring each other, but Callie and Trevor had kept their distance too. The anger emanating off the pair had been like a physical being in the air. No one had known what to do about it except pretend everything was normal.
“Hey.” She moved over so Trevor had some room in front of their parents’ grave. “I guess I wanted to say goodbye.” She looked at the gravestone. “That sounds stupid, doesn�
��t it?”
He approached, rested his arm across her shoulders. “No, not at all.”
Shelby studied Trevor out of the corner of her eye. They hadn’t talked about his long-range plans after she left. Once he and Callie had gotten together, she’d been sure he’d be staying, but now? Now she wasn’t so sure. “Are you saying goodbye?”
“No.” His arm squeezed her shoulders. “I’m staying. For good.”
“Even though you and Callie are fighting?”
“I’m not staying because of Callie. I’m staying because I want to.” He fished something out of his pocket. “Here. Look. Someone might as well see this.”
She took the piece of paper that had been folded over and over again so the creases were worn. Carefully, Shelby unfolded and studied it. In Trevor’s messy scrawl, there were two lists. One with the positive points of Seattle/FBI life and the other with Pilot’s Point.
Seattle had lots of things. Things Shelby could understand wanting. Restaurants open 24 hours. Movies come out the week they’re supposed to. But they weren’t important things. Not compared to what Trevor had for Pilot’s Point. Callie. Friday lunches at AIF. Shelby’s cookies. Messing with Dan. This list was about people, not things.
Shelby didn’t have any words. She stared at the list, her eyes filling with tears. Trevor’s arm squeezed around her shoulders again.
“I owe you a thank you because I’m not sure I would have really thought about what it would mean to stay if you hadn’t asked me to after graduation. It’s hard to believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ll be happier here.”
Strange those pathetic words were the moment that had turned the tides for him when she’d spent so much time and effort trying to trick him into staying.
Shelby blinked back the threat of tears, cleared her throat so she could speak. “Only if you and Callie get back together.”
“No. No, I could still be happy here.”
“Look at this list.” Shelby held it out to him. “Yeah, you’ve got a lot of great stuff that isn’t Callie, but there’s very little she hasn’t touched.”