by Kim Mckade
Toby nodded and swallowed. Jeremy had already promised that he’d check on Mr. Davis at least once a week. He’d joked that it gave him a good excuse to be w his mother’s car, but Toby knew the joke was meant to cover up the boy’s very real affection for the old man. Uncool as it was, Jeremy cared about Mr. Davis.
His mother squeezed Toby’s arm. “When are you going to tell him?”
Toby shrugged. “No point putting it off. This afternoon, maybe tomorrow.”
“Do you want me to do if?”
Toby shook his head. “No.” He didn’t walk away from his responsibilities, and he didn’t pawn them off on someone else. He’d told Corinne that, just a few months ago. But then, he’d felt at least a shred of confidence that he knew the right thing to do.
The thought of Corinne brought back the black feeling, and he closed his eyes for a second.
“Have you been to see Corinne yet?” his mother asked.
Toby made a noise that could have meant anything. The answer to that question was a bit ambiguous He’d been to her room. He’d heard her. He hadn’t needed to see her after that.
“She’ll be okay, you know.”
Toby nodded, still facing front, then he put his hand over hers and squeezed back. Corinne would be okay, and for that he was eternally grateful, even if he couldn’t find the words to express it now. She would be okay.
She would live to leave again.
After a long moment of silence, Toby shifted and cleared his throat. “Do you suppose Dad pulls any weight up there?” He gestured to the cross with a slight nod.
From the corner of his eye, he saw his mother give a wistful smile. “If I know your father, he’s charmed his way up to second in command by now. And looking to improve his position.”
Toby lifted the corners of his mouth, but the movement didn’t feel like a smile. “Yep, that sounds like Dad. He always did the right thing, knew the right things to say. And he didn’t let the right woman slip away.”
His mother gave him another sympathetic squeeze, as tears filled her eyes. “Toby, it’s time for both of us to let your father be who he really was—a man. Not a legend, or a god. But a man. And it’s time for you to go for your own dream.”
Toby put his hands on his knees and looked at the cross. “I love what I do, Mom. I started this to make Dad proud, but I love what I do.”
“Is it enough?”
“I thought it was.”
“Until Corinne came back to town.”
Toby nodded. “Yep. Until that very second.”
“Then get up there and tell her that.”
Toby sat with his chin in his hands. “I honestly don’t know if I can give her what she wants.”
“You’ll never know if you let fear hold you back. There are a lot of good reasons not to do something, Toby. Fear isn’t one of them.”
Toby stood. “I asked her once before, you know. And it didn’t do any good.”
“She’s not the same person she was then. Are you?”
Toby swallowed the lump in his throat. “No, I suppose not.”
“Then get out of here. You’ll make your father and me both proud.”
Corinne sat up and smiled at Toby when he walked in her room. “I was wondering when you’d get here. The doctor should be by in a few minutes to discharge me.”
Toby didn’t answer. Silently, he pulled the chair up to the side of the bed and sat down across from her
He rubbed the back of his neck, licked his lips, then took her hands in his. He cleared his throat.
“Corinne, I...” He looked at her hands, then back into her eyes. “Marry me.”
Corinne’s mouth dropped open, and she blinked a few times. “Marry you?”
“I love you, Corinne.” His tone was solemn, his eyes dark with intensity. “I want to marry you.”
She took a deep breath and chewed her lower lip. “But, Toby, I don’t know—”
He reached up and gently but firmly put one hand over her mouth. “You know everything you need to know.”
“This is a little sudden.”
Toby’s jaw steeled and he looked off.
Corinne squeezed his hand. “Give me some time to think about it.”
“No,” he said flatly.
She drew back and wrinkled her brow. “I just need some time to think about—”
“No.” His face was haggard, his eyes red-rimmed from lack of sleep, deep lines bracketed his mouth. But for all that, he was calm. “No,” he said again, shaking his head. “No more time, Corinne. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Toby, you told me you would give me room to breathe.”
“That was before you decided to go out and get yourself almost killed! Again!” He stood suddenly, knocking his chair back. “Dammit, Corinne, I can’t do it anymore. If it’s about Atlanta, that’s fine. I can go to Atlanta.” He held his arms out and paced the room. “Hell, I can be a cop anywhere, I suppose Or I could do something else. It doesn’t matter. All that really matters is us, Corinne. You and me. So, what’s it going to be?”
“Toby, I don’t know. This is a little out of the blue. How did you know about Atlanta—?”
“This is not out of the blue!” He made a slashing motion with his hand. “I have been in love with you from day one, and you damned well know it, Corinne. You’ve always known it. But this is it. You make up your mind right now. It’s either yes or no. You’re either with me forever, or you’re leaving now. Because I don’t want to...I can’t—”
His voice broke, and he sat down as abruptly as he’d stood. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. She thought for a second that he was crying, and she reached out to him. He raised his head. His eyes were dry. They were cold, flat and dry.
“I can’t do it anymore, Corinne.” His voice was deadly calm. “You were right. I was trying to play God. No. I was trying to be my dad. With you, with Mr. Davis, with the whole town. I thought I could make everything okay for everybody, if I tried hard enough. But look where it got me. You’re shutting me out, trying to get yourself killed every time you turn around. Carl’s leg” He shook his head, muttering to himself. “And Mr. D., going into a nursing home.”
“I wasn’t shutting you out, Toby,” Corinne said, starting to grow angry. When did he become so impatient? “I told you, there wasn’t time—wait. You’re putting Mr Davis in a nursing home?”
“What choice do I have?” he asked hotly. “He’s going to get himself killed, too. I can’t watch everybody at the same time, no matter how much I want to. Go ahead and say I told you so. Go ahead.”
There was no way she could say that. “I’m sorry, Toby I know you didn’t want to do that.”
He shook his head. “Yeah, well, things don’t always work out the way you want them to, do they? Sooner or later you have to face that fact. And you have to let it go.”
Corinne chewed her lip. He wasn’t talking about Mr. Davis anymore. “Toby,” she said, swallowing. “Just give me a little more time. I don’t even know what I’m doing—”
“No,” he said again flatly. “I can’t make things happy-ever-after for everybody. I know that. And for the most part, I’m okay with that. I know I can’t do anything about Mr. Davis. Or for Carl, or Jeremy, or anybody else, except help out where I can and hope for the best. And for everybody else, the best I can do is okay. For them. I can do what I can, give it my best shot, and still sleep at night.”
He faced her, his expression a stony mask. “But not for you. I can’t go on waiting and hoping, and then standing by watching while you shut me out and get yourself hurt—”
“I didn’t shut you out!” she cried. “I told you. Dammit, Toby, I told you already. There wasn’t time.”
“I’m not talking about Carl. I’m talking about Jeremy. You never told me what he was doing. You never told me about how he was trying to scare you. You knew I would have done—”
“Exactly! I knew you would have stepped in and done something, tri
ed to protect me from him. I didn’t think I needed protection from him, Toby. But you would have barged in and done exactly what he wanted. You would have shipped him off to some reform school, and that’s not what he needs. Just because it was me, and not someone else, you would have been a lot tougher on him.”
“You could have given me a chance.” His drawn face loomed inches from her own. “You could have given us a chance.”
She sighed and sat back on the bed, rubbing lightly at the bandage over her forehead. “The point is, Toby—”
He raised his brows when she stopped. “What is the point, Corinne? Or do you even know?”
Corinne twisted the sheet in her lap and clenched her jaw. “I’m not ready, Toby.”
Toby stared at her for a long moment. “I’m willing to give up everything, Corinne. I’ll follow you, anywhere you want to go. I’m willing to do just about anything, except wait. Except listen to any more of your excuses. I’m offering you everything I have.”
He lifted her chin with his thumb and forced her to meet his gaze. “But I won’t take one bit less from you.”
Corinne’s eyes shimmered with tears. She swallowed. “I’m sorry, Toby,” she whispered.
His face hardened, and he put his hat on his head. “Yeah, me too.” He turned on his heel.
“Toby, wait.”
He ignored her, pushing his way out the door. As he did, Aunt Muriel walked in, looking at Toby in surprise Toby brushed past her silently.
Muriel looked at Corinne “Did I come at a bad time?”
Corinne closed her eyes, then opened them again. “No, it’s just...he wants—” Corinne broke off, looking helplessly at her aunt.
Munel sat on the edge of the bed gingerly. She took Corinne’s hand in hers and peered closely at her. “That’s a nice little bump there You sure you’re okay?”
Corinne nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
“Good Linda said she wanted to come see you herself, but she’s having some kind of problem with her car. She told me to give you this.” She leaned down and gave Corinne a hug
Corinne could see what Muriel tried to hide in her smile and embrace—no doubt Muriel had tried unsuccessfully to talk Linda into coming to the hospital. Corinne told herself once again that it didn’t matter, as she returned the hug she knew her mother had never mentioned.
“It’s okay, I talked to her yesterday.” Corinne had a hard time talking around the lump in her throat. “She told me to be more careful.”
“We don’t want anything to happen to our best girl.”
Corinne couldn’t face the sympathy in her aunt’s eyes. She swallowed and nodded, looking hard at the flowers beside her bed, wanting desperately to call Toby back.
“Want to tell me what that was all about?” Munel asked softly as she cocked her head in the direction of the door and squeezed Corinne’s hand.
Corinne opened her mouth to tell her Instead, she did something completely uncharacteristic. She burst into tears. “Oh, Aunt Muriel, I’ve made such a mess of things!”
Twenty minutes later, after Corinne was drained of tears and energy, Muriel sat on the bed and cradled Corinne’s head in her lap and stroked her hair. “So he had the unmitigated gall to be in love with you and agree to follow you anywhere?”
“I told you he was crazy.”
“Certifiable. How could anyone love you?”
Corinne laughed and sniffed. “It’s not that I don’t believe he really thinks he loves me—”
“It’s just...?”
“It’s just, he doesn’t really know me. Not really.”
“Corinne, he’s known you since you were five. He knows you,”
“But...” It didn’t make that much sense, trying to explain it to someone else. “Not the real me.”
“And who is that, sweetheart?”
“I don’t even know anymore. But I know I’m not the wonderful person he thinks I am.” Corinne smiled sadly. “He calls me sweetheart, too. It’s silly and hokey.”
“And wonderful,” Muriel said as she stroked Corinne’s hair. “Now tell me—besides almost getting yourself killed again, how have you been?”
Corinne sighed. “Wonderful. Horrible.”
“Sounds like love to me.”
It did sound like love, Corinne thought. It felt like love, too.
“And what about the nightmares, Corinne? And the anxiety attacks?”
Corinne thought of the other night with Carl, and the strength she’d derived from Toby’s words. I’ll take care of you.
“I haven’t had either in several weeks. I guess I just needed to get out of the house, focus on something.”
“You’ve found what you need, all right. Let’s hope you’re smart enough to see that.”
Corinne knew what her aunt was talking about. “I can’t,” she whispered, as much to herself as to Muriel.
“Why not?”
Corinne didn’t answer.
Muriel gently took Corinne’s chin in hand and forced her to meet her gaze. “Go ahead, honey. Say it. Why can’t you?”
Instead of answering, though, Corinne sat up, took a cleansing breath, and smoothed her hair back. Enough of self-pity. “Because... because I don’t deserve him. I need to do more.”
“More than what?”
“Just more. The fact that I love him doesn’t mean it’s enough.”
Muriel was silent for a moment “We’re not just talking about Toby here, are we? Say it, sweetie. Not enough for whom?”
“For Mom.” Corinne’s voice came out thin, almost whispered. “It’s never been enough for her.”
“Can I tell you a secret?”
Corinne closed her eyes and nodded slightly.
“Sweetie, it’s never going to be enough. Not until she learns to love herself Nothing you do or I do or she does or anyone else does is going to make her happy, until she learns to be happy with herself. You could single-handedly end poverty and cure cancer, and it would not be enough for her. Because she despises herself, and always has ”
“But why?” Corinne sat up and brushed her hair back from her face. “Why is she like that?”
Muriel shrugged. “Probably because our mother was a lot like she is, bitter and resentful, always finding fault no matter what happened. And because she never had it from her mother, your mother looked for love and acceptance wherever she could get it.”
“Which got her pregnant at seventeen. And ruined her life”
“Right on the first part. Dead wrong on the second. She did try to find approval by being available to anyone she could find. And that did get her pregnant at seventeen. Oh, Corinne.” Muriel stroked Corinne’s cheek, brushed away a tear. “I wish I could tell you that your parents loved each other, and you were conceived in love. But thanks to your mother, we both know it’s a lie. The truth is, your mother wanted to find a place of her own, and so she created it Your poor father was blindsided. Not,” Muriel said with a finger pointed at Corinne, “that he shouldn’t have taken responsibility for his own actions He tried, Corinne, he really did, at first. But she just became more and more unhappy, and harder to be around. Since he didn’t love her to begin with, her bitterness made her even more difficult to live with.”
Corinne nodded. “I know. So she was a divorced single mother by the time she was twenty. Her life would have been a lot easier if—”
“Her life has been hard because she’s made it hard!” Muriel framed Corinne’s face with her hands. “Corinne, I know you’ve always blamed yourself for your mother’s unhappiness, because she’s always blamed you. She’s also blamed me, her mother, her ex-husband—anyone who was handy. But none of it’s true. A person’s happiness is their own responsibility. That includes yours and mine And if you don’t watch out, you’re going to lose your chance at it
“You just turned away a wonderful man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He’s crazy about you! And you’re going to lose him. Do you want to end up unhappy and bitter like
your mother?”
“Of course not But—”
“But what? You’re not good enough for him? That’s bull. And don’t tell me you don’t love him. I can see it all over your face.”
“It’s not that, it’s just...”
“Just what, for crying out loud?”
“How can I be happy, when she isn’t?”
Muriel just stared at her, and Corinne realized for the first time how nonsensical it sounded.
“So as your penance for being born, you plan to spend your life being unhappy?”
“I just wanted to make her proud. I wanted to show her that everything she gave up wasn’t for nothing. That it meant something. That I really wasn’t a mistake.”
Muriel reached out, taking Corinne’s hand in hers “Sweetie, you were never a mistake. God sent you here for a reason.”
“Toby thinks it’s to be with him.”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know. I just...”
“What do you want?”
Tears swam in Corinne’s eyes, and she had to swallow twice before she could speak. “I want to find Toby.”
“Good. Now quit trying to please someone who can’t be pleased, Corinne. When she learns to love herself, your mother will open her eyes and see what a wonderful child she has. And if she doesn’t...” Tears shone in Muriel’s eyes, too.
Corinne leaned forward and hugged her tight. “If she doesn’t, could you be my mother?”
Muriel squeezed her back. “I’d be honored. But I have one condition. No, two.”
“What’s the first?”
“Quit trying to get yourself killed.”
“Done. What’s the second?”
“Go after that cowboy. I want some grandkids.”
Corinne snuffled a laugh through her tears. “I will, if he’ll still have me.”
Chapter 17
Corinne knew she had one more thing to do before she faced Toby. She tiptoed into the hospital room, edging the door open, not sure if she wanted to find Carl awake or not. If he was asleep, she could sneak out easily.