by Piper Scott
Gabriel opened his eyes. The room was bright, light streaming in through the sun room to dance across the polished floors and bring out the color of the paint on the walls. It had to be early in the afternoon—the days were getting shorter, and bright light like this didn’t last for long. “Where is Sir? In his bedroom?”
Adrian snorted. He picked up the basin of water on the floor by the bed and moved it aside. There were empty bottles of water left haphazardly on the floor, and he nudged one out of the way with his foot as he walked by. “No. Cedric called Sterling to tell him what had happened between you, then disappeared. It’s not a good idea for him to come back until your heat is finished. Your scent is everywhere. He’s going to have to deep clean to get it out. We should probably pick up his cleaning bill.”
Cleaning bills didn’t matter to Gabriel. He propped himself up on his elbow as Adrian set the basin of water on the table by the door and looked across the room. The door to his bedroom was closed, and as far as he could tell, there wasn’t anyone waiting outside of it to surprise him. He didn’t hear footsteps down the hall or noises in the kitchen. The house was dead.
“Adrian?” Paranoia was starting to set in. It was an unwelcome but natural part of heat. “How much longer until my heat is gone and Sir can come back?”
“How long are your heats in general?”
It bothered Gabriel that he didn’t know. Most of the time, Garrison put him on contraceptives and sold his heat, and Adrian had never thought to ask. All he knew was that when he woke up after it was done, he was always exhausted, filthy, and badly dehydrated. “Normal length, I guess.”
“Then we’re looking at another five days until you’re one hundred percent okay to take out of the house. I’m not going to bring you back to the penthouse until your heat is completely gone. I need Sterling to look after Lilian while I look after you, so we can’t chase him out.”
The world came to a stop. Gabriel sat up, head spinning. “The penthouse?”
“We don’t have another treatment option lined up for you yet.” Adrian returned to the bedside, but didn’t sit. He hovered, nervous energy keeping him on his feet. It fed into Gabriel’s paranoia, and he pulled the covers up to his nose but couldn’t find it in him to hide his eyes. “Until we figure out what your next move is, you’ll be staying with us again. We have the same space set up we did last time, with the screens. You’ll have blankets, and pillows, and all the privacy you could want.”
Privacy wasn’t the issue, and Gabriel couldn’t care less about the screens. He didn’t understand why he’d be heading to the penthouse when his heat would only last another five days. “You said Sir is coming back. Is it because my heat is all over the house? Y-you want to get it cleaned up first before I come back, so Sir doesn’t take advantage of me… right?”
Adrian gave him a sorry kind of look, like someone who’d just witnessed a small child try their best, but still fail. “You’re not coming back here, and you’re not seeing Cedric again. It didn’t work out. He knew what was best for you, but he still touched you inappropriately.”
Inappropriate? There was nothing inappropriate about what he’d done with Sir. For years, Gabriel had been involved with the inappropriate. He’d fallen into bed with men who made him feel bad about himself, and he’d touched strangers in ways he wished he hadn’t needed to. Inappropriate was having sex with a man he had no interest in. But Sir? There was nothing inappropriate about him.
“I want him.” So often, Gabriel was afraid to speak for himself. Why make a scene when silence was just as effective? Speaking for himself always led to argument, and argument led to punishment, or worse. He’d long ago relinquished control of his free will and embraced the inevitable—but for Sir, he would fight. If he didn’t, what choice did he have? “I’m in love with him, Adrian. I was the one who was touching him. He never touched me first. Never.”
“We are not having this conversation. You’re not well enough to be in love with anybody.” Adrian set a hand on his shoulder. “All you need to do right now is lie down and get some rest. You’ve still got a long way to go.”
The touch of Adrian’s hand on his skin was like a live current coming into contact with water. Gabriel tore away from him and scrambled across the bed, heart in overdrive. More than ever, he wanted to run, but he knew his body would fail him. What would he do if he managed to get out of the house, anyway? Lose himself in the woods? Without a water source, he’d die. Addled by heat, he wouldn’t be able to care for himself. And for what? For an escape from the harsh reality of his life? As a physical rebellion against what was being decided for him? He could run all he wanted, but he would never solve any of his problems if all he did was avoid them. During the bust, he’d buried his head in the sand and let himself be guided, and it had ended in ruin—but now he’d found someone he actually cared for, and someone he thought might care for him.
Gabriel couldn’t listen to Adrian. He wouldn’t. “Don’t tell me I can’t love. You have no idea what I can do. You need to take me to see Sir.”
“You’re not going anywhere.” Adrian’s voice was shielded and used the same flat, emotionless register he often adopted when talking to their mother. “You’re in heat, Gabriel. Your thoughts are jumbled, your body is weak, and if you leave this house, someone out there is going to knock you up. You’re under my care again, and you’re going to do what I say.”
Why was Adrian so stubborn? Gabriel balled his fists, squeezing the blankets. “I’m not going to do what you say!”
A flicker of emotion returned to Adrian’s face—surprise. It parted his lips and widened his eyes almost imperceptibly, but Gabriel saw it. If he could get a reaction like that out of Adrian, then all he had to do was keep pushing, and eventually, he would cave.
“You can tell me until you’re blue in the face that I can’t love anyone, or that I’m b-broken, but you’re wrong! I can fall in love just like anyone else. I can know happiness, Adrian! Maybe I’m not normal, but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of emotion. I hurt like you. I laugh like you. I cry like you. And you know what? I love like you, too, and I love Sir.”
“You loved Garrison what, a month ago?” Adrian wasn’t angry—he was crestfallen. Surprise had bled into regret, like he was standing vigil over a tragic event. “How can I believe you? You’re in heat. The last week, your hormones have been influencing your thoughts and urging you to settle down with an alpha who can fulfill your biological drive. I know it feels like love, but—”
“Go.” Gabriel’s hands trembled. What Adrian was suggesting made him feel dirty. It was wrong. “Get out!”
“Where am I going to go, Gabriel?” Adrian frowned. “If you don’t have me here, you’re not going to make it through your heat. You didn’t prepare for it. If it wasn’t for Sterling dropping off supplies—”
“GO!” Frustration brought tears to Gabriel’s eyes and pumped through his veins like fire. Paired with his heat, the sensation was unbearable. Adrian didn’t want to understand, and he would keep saying hurtful things until he broke Gabriel all over again and forced him to let go of the one good thing in his life. “I don’t want you here!”
The mask came back on. Adrian’s surprise and concern disappeared. “You’re not doing yourself any favors by acting out like this. I know that you’re not operating on all cylinders right now, but if you keep fooling yourself into thinking you’re the only one in the world who can fix your problems, you’re only going to cause more trouble for yourself. Ask me how I know.”
Nothing Adrian said could fix the hurt that had been done. Discouraged, Gabriel dropped onto the bed and flipped onto his side, his back to his brother. He didn’t want to think about what was about to happen to him—about how he was about to be taken away from the one man who’d ever meant anything to him.
“You probably won’t even remember this conversation,” Adrian admitted with a small sigh. He made his way toward the door. “I know that you’re going through a lot right n
ow, but I need you to stay strong. I promise, no matter how much you hate me, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to let anyone else hurt you, Gabriel. I won’t.”
Maybe it was the truth, but Adrian was doing a fine job of hurting Gabriel all on his own. Gabriel squeezed his eyes shut, curled up on himself, and let his heat take over his mind once more.
In the scorching fires of nothingness, he knew no more pain.
33
Gabriel
Lucidity came in fragments. The air was too hot, and the sheets too warm. There were times when Gabriel came back to reality to find himself at the door to the sun room, the muscles in his arm strained as he tried to twist the handle the wrong way. The cold air from the cracks beneath the door felt good, and his heat-addled brain wanted relief. Usually, it wasn’t long before Adrian swooped back into the room, a bottle of water or some easy-to-eat food in hand, and put him back to bed. Gabriel only had the time to step into the sun room once, and when he did, the chilly autumn air took away his pain.
At least, some of it.
The heat had robbed Gabriel of his mind, but it hadn’t robbed him of his emotions. An emptiness swelled in his chest, a void between his lungs that was as dark as it was bottomless. As he gazed through the screen separating him from the world at large, it hit him in full.
He was alone.
Darkness came, and when Gabriel stirred again, he was back in bed where the sheets were too hot and the clothes he wore clung to his body. Adrian laid across the foot of the bed on his back, holding his phone up over his head as he browsed the internet. He didn’t turn to look at Gabriel before he spoke, and his thumb kept flicking across the screen. “Are you awake now? Do you need some water?”
“Adrian?” Gabriel asked, heartbroken. “I don’t feel well. It hurts.”
Adrian set his phone down and sat up. He squinted at Gabriel, but whatever thoughts passed through his head were hidden. “Are you aware now? Did you shake it?”
“I don’t know.” Gabriel closed his eyes and pulled his knees to his chest. He wanted to strip off his t-shirt and fling it across the room. The way it clung to his skin frustrated him. “There’s something inside of me that hurts.”
Adrian got up and settled by Gabriel’s side. “Where?”
“In the middle of me.” Gabriel hugged his knees closer to his chest. If he curled up on himself tightly enough, maybe he’d be able to fill the empty space inside. “It’s empty.”
“Gabriel...” Adrian sighed. He reached down and plucked a water bottle off the floor, then twisted the cap right off. The serrated plastic snapped, the sound so loud in the room that Gabriel jumped. “You’re okay. I promise. I know that a lot is going on, but you’re fine. All you need to do is rest.”
The last thing Gabriel wanted to do was rest, but with Adrian keeping watch over him, he didn’t have much of a choice. Miserable, he laid back down in his too-hot bed and did his best to dodge the spots where his body heat had made the fitted sheet almost unbearable.
“Things will get better, I promise.” Weight shifted on the bed, and Adrian peered down at him. Gabriel blinked a few times to clear his vision, then closed his eyes and tried to forget. “We’re going to get you home as soon as we’re able, and from there, we’ll figure out our next steps. You’re not going to feel this way forever, I promise. I’m going to make things right.”
“You can’t,” Gabriel croaked. Tears formed behind his eyelids and escaped down the sides of his face to soak into the pillows. “You can’t fix this.”
“Then who can?”
Gabriel pinched his lips together. The answer simmered inside until it grew red-hot, but he couldn’t let it out. How was he supposed to take care of fixing his problems when he wasn’t even good enough to get Sir to stay?
“You’re going to be okay.” Adrian’s voice was soft and solemn, like he understood what Gabriel was going through. “I know how heartbreak feels. It’s hollow, isn’t it? Like this solid construct you thought would be the pillar of the world for the rest of your life turned out to be made of cardboard, and there’s a storm on the horizon.” Something solid, flat, and circular pressed against Gabriel’s lips—the neck of the water bottle. “Drink. You need water. You’ll feel a hundred times better after your heat is over if you drink enough now.”
The water was warm. Gabriel drank, but with every swallow, the ripple of muscle down his throat increased in severity until he couldn’t handle it anymore. He tore away from the bottle and rolled over so his back was to his brother.
“You’re stronger than you think.” Plastic slid against plastic. Gabriel listened to the cap find its home on the bottle. “You’re going to get through this. It’s okay to hurt. Life is pain in the same way that life is pleasure. We’re creatures of experience, so—”
“Don’t tell me that.” Gabriel curled up tighter. Deep down he knew Adrian was trying to help, but his mind was fogged with the urge to find an alpha—his alpha—and start a family. It was hard to think of anything else. “Right now I need to hurt. I don’t want to know what it’ll feel like in the future. I don’t.”
“Okay.” Adrian didn’t sound angry, but he didn’t exactly sound pleased, either. He ran a hand through Gabriel’s hair, then stepped away. The sound of his footsteps let Gabriel track him from the bedside to the hall door. “But know that when you’re tired of feeling like this, I’m here for you. I know it’s not the same as having someone to love, but we’re family, and I will always have your back.”
There was a lump in Gabriel’s throat that he couldn’t swallow. The doorknob turned, its metal latch scraping on the strike.
“There are good people in the world, whether you want to believe it or not,” Adrian murmured from the doorway. “There are people who want to help you—who’ll love you, if you give them the chance. But behaving like this? Pushing away everyone so you can cling to the one person you think will turn your life around? It’s not doing you any favors.”
Gabriel squeezed his eyes shut.
“I love you, Gabriel.” Adrian spoke firmly, but not unkindly. “Sterling loves you. We’re here for you. But you have to be here for us, too.”
The lump stayed put no matter how Gabriel tried to swallow it down. He clawed at his face and choked back a sob. The heat came back to swallow him whole.
On the seventh day, the vestigial symptoms of Gabriel’s heat vanished, and with it went his excuse to stay in Sir’s home any longer. The last few days he’d been alert, but traces of his fertility clung to the air, and Adrian refused to move him back to Sterling’s penthouse until they subsided completely. Conversation had been stilted and awkward, and Gabriel took responsibility for it. Adrian had gone out of his way to make sure Gabriel knew that he was loved and looked after, but the pain inside remained.
No matter what he did, or what thoughts he clung to, Gabriel couldn’t make it go away.
“Gabriel?” Adrian called from the kitchen. He’d started to amass their belongings and bring their bags to the door. “Before we go, I want you to take one last shower, just to make sure none of your heat is sticking to you.”
“Okay.” Gabriel stood in the living room, turning the collar Sir had given him over in his hands. The tall, firm leather had held his head up when Gabriel wanted to do nothing more than look away. It was supposed to have been his forever, but now, Gabriel wasn’t sure if he wanted it anymore. If he couldn’t be with Sir, what was the point?
“And Gabriel?” Adrian poked his head out of the kitchen, saw the collar, and made a face. “Can you please find a box or something to put that in? Just for my sanity?”
“Yeah.” Gabriel nodded. “Okay.”
The box the collar had arrived in was in the living room closet near the front door. Gabriel tucked the collar beneath his arm and went to get it, only to find it was on the top shelf far at the back, beyond his reach. Memories of the time in Sir’s kitchen rushed back to him, and the collar met the floor as it tumbled from his grip. Gabriel blinke
d back tears and took a step back. If he could run, he could escape this. He could start over and try again.
But what good had running done him? And where would he run to, now that he knew that Garrison had never loved him?
The obstacle was small, but the emotional turmoil it brought was great. For years, Gabriel had been told that his only purpose in life was to be tied to a superior member of society—that even the simplest tasks were outside of his capability. Sir thought differently. Sir would have wanted him to get a chair from the kitchen so he could reach the box.
Gabriel looked over his shoulder toward the kitchen. Adrian was grumbling to himself as he wrestled to jam the last of Gabriel’s heat-soaked clothes into his duffel bag. Ever cautious, Gabriel made his way to the kitchen table and took one of the wooden chairs. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end, and his instincts screamed at him to stop what he was doing and leave the task to someone better suited for it, but he didn’t let old habits stop him from doing what he needed to do. Gabriel brought the chair into the living room while Adrian continued to grumble and squish clothes down as far as he could into the duffel bag, then set the chair by the closet door and took a deep breath.
He could do this. He didn’t need anyone else to tell him what to do.
Gabriel stood on the chair and brought down the box, then put the collar inside.
“After your shower, we’ll get going.” Adrian tugged the zipper the rest of the way, then sat so his back rested against the wall. He looked from the kitchen at Gabriel. “I left fresh clothes on top of the toilet tank. We’ll toss your old ones in the trunk of my car and leave them there so we don’t bother Sterling. I don’t have any more space in the duffel bag. Maybe tomorrow, while I’m at work, you could do some laundry. Sterling’s composed enough about heat-laced scents that it’s not going to be much of an issue, but I’d rather have it done and out of the way than looming over our heads.”