by Adam Roberts
Tell me, said he, what hath befallen your brow? Theere is bloode upon it.
I begged my Lord’s pardon, but he laugh’d at this &d declared theere was no offence in it for him, &d that the offence is all for thy Head, which is the plaintiff heere.
I told him it hurt but little.
But how did it come to pass? he asked.
I struck it againest the door in the pantry, my Lord I said, &d I humbly beg your pardon for it.
Againe my lord laughed, &d said you might as well beg pardon of the wooden Door. Did the door not complain?
I said, No.
Then wheerefore should I take offense?
Then he said come hither to me, that I was compelled to approach him. Heere he Handled me once more, causing my Breeches to remove, &d Slapping &d Beating my thighes &d butocks with the flat of his Sworde. At this I was greatly feared, that he was going to use the sworde-point &d turn out my life from its poor frame, but instead he threw me on the floor in a great Passion, &d stormed up &d down the Librarie as if in a Rage, tho I could not overhear the wordes he spoke. He told me to begone, but as I gatheered my breeches &d made towards the door he grabbed me. Heere he forced me againe onto the floor, &d pressed my legs close together, that he might rubbe himself between my thighes, until with terrible groaning he concluded, &d lying on me gasping for some time before he sent me away.
I was in poor state at this Happening, &d did cower in the garden by the tree with my face to the floor, such that dropt Fruit did slime me with its rotten flesh. I aim’d to rins &d wash myself in the pond of the garden, but the Garden Boye discover’d me &d dragged me to the kitchen, wheere Mistr.s Anne did scold me fiercely for soiling my cloathes &d for my mournful state. But she did not smite me on this occasion, albiet she struck me many the time before &d after.
After this time my Lord the Judge did visit me several times in my bed when the Night was still; when he would Wrestle with me, calling himself Abraham &d myself his Angel, until he would promote his own coming-off, with his own Hands. One further time he called me to the Chappel on pretext of mending some or other furnishings, but instead us’d me badly, before the very altar. This Happening caused great fear to settle upon me, for I consider’d it awful, &d blasphemy to perform such acts before the very cruxifice of solid Gold that stood upon the altar rail. Judge Newbolt was in a great agitation this time he called me to the Chappel, &d at first he stood at one side &d I the other. Heere he debated with me the course of True Faithe, the mercy of God, &d the nature of Love, but I being fearful took little heede of his conversation. Then upon approaching me, he seized me by the shoulder &d stared wildly at my face, his eyes glinting. For how long he clutch’d me so, I know not, but that I noticed his brows contract upon themselves, &d a shiver leave his eyes, wheereupon he began kissing my lips, as a man devours his meats after long fast. Then (for I said nothing, being trembled with fear even unto silence) he took the cloathes from my body, but gently, &d turned me around. He did place his mamber inward as the bridegroome’s Hand comes through the latch. I had never been so us’d before in my life, nor by the Judge neither until this time. I believed my bones within me breaking, so fierce was the paine; &d when he began moving back &d forth I felt my skinn pulled apart &d ripp’d, that the blood ranne down my legs. I cryed out at this, for I could not remain silent nor despite my terror; &d with my cries my Lord the Judge cryed also, that we howled together like Dogges. At this Judge Newbolt shuddered like a dying man &d fell back from me, &d his mamber slitheered out of its den like the snake, &d I fell too, at the feet of the altar-rail, wheere I sobb’d. But for all the shouting we had made, nobody in the house thought to come into the Chappel in this time. My Lord came beside me, &d knelt at the rail to pray, &d I flinched away like a wild creature, &d gatheered my cloathes &d hid myself in the corner of the Chappel.
With such Foule chances, I grew to the fullness of Despond, &d wished myself dead many times. I would have carried this co[u]rse through, I bethink me now, had not first decided upon Going Away from that Place, &d making off for a Soldier or Sailor-man. During the day, with Mistress Anne’s Eyes upon me I was without the chance to slip away, but one Night, a few weekes since I came first to that House, I was resolv’d with myself to begonne from theere. I folded my blanket, for it was Winter still, &d I had bethought me not to freeze in the iciness. But I could not pass through the house, for Mistress Anne had locked the door of my roome. But I could pass through the window, like a Cat, &d so I made my way onto the fore-roof of the House. I was a great height up, &d the sky was blue-blacke, &d the starres had cupp’d their Hands around their chill candle flames. I felt my path forward for a little way, with the icy winde pawing me &d licking me, turning my skinn to stone &d making me numb. I tried to unfold the Blanket, but the Winde caught it &d flung it from me. I went a little way on, but when my fingers fumbled at the precipice, &d I knew fear at the gap, not knowing which way to proceed. With difficulty I crawled backwards to the window, thinking to get back inside &d give up the Escape til a better weather were come: but I found the window had banged shut &d I could not raise it. At this my fear grew, for it seem’d to me that God had decided to punnish me for my undoubted wickedness by having his Terrible Gales come &d plucke me from the roof &d dash me to fragments on the stone-paving beneath. For a long time I clung to the roof, as the Winde &d the Hail cut through to my Bone &d Blood. Then I bethought me to finde the Blanket, by following the way of the Winde, that I might at least rappe myself in it. To this end I was obliged to Climb the Slant of the roof as it mounted over the Attick: but the Tyles being slippery with the Hail I slid down, &d fell.
Ah! Great was my Terror at this, the Plunge seeming to bring my Bowells into my Throat, &d I scream’d as I descended, albeit none heard my cries with the Storme now raging, Gales &d Hailstones. My fall lasted aeternities after, for on recalling it I felt like Lucifer, dropping Downwards through the airey Firmament of God’s displeasure. In my remembrance, then, the fall continu’d on &d on, with my never striking the ground, nor every being releas’d from the Eccho of my own howling, the Hiss of the Wind, or the Nips of the hailstones. In Truth, no doubt, I fell but an instant, &d struck the upper-branches of a Tree that grew in the Garden of my Lord the Judge’s house. These Branches pummel’d me somewhat, &d rolled me about like a Pat of butter in the churn. I came down the tree by degrees, Accumulating many Bruises as I passed, &d then I collapsed at last on the grasse in a state of Great Distress.
I lay for a time, but the Hail was Strong now &d the Wind chiller, so that I Resolv’d I would face the Wrath of Mistress Anne sooner than freeze to death in the Garden. So I made my way Pickingly through the dark to the Back Door, &d theere I struck the Door with my puny fist, &d shouted fit to unsettle the Dead. At last Pamela, an under-maid who slept in the Kitchen, called quavringly through Who was theere at this time of Night? &d I answered sobbing with Cold, that she should Fetch Mistress Anne, that it was I, Master Thomas, &d that I earnestly begged admittance. She was so long about raising Mistress Anne that I would have Shiver’d myself into the very King of Agues, &d froze quite dead if leaft another minutes; but that I heard the Bolts undrawing, &d the door opening; &d theere was Anne with a carving-knife demanding who goes theere.
When she discovert it was only me, she grew Hard with rage &d beat me, notwithstanding my Bruis’d &d Froze condition. She woke Patrick, the footman, &d baden him Watch the boy whilst she rouz’d the Master, for she believed that if I were to abscond she herself would be dealt Hardly by my Lord the Judge, &d that accordingly she had a Duty to act as Prison Warder to me. Patrick was much daz’d with being woke at this hour, &d he held the candle very ill, for wax splash’d on his own bare feet &d he roar’d with the paine. He withdrew to wash his foot &d I was left alone: but escape was very far from my thoughts now. I was so cold &d shiveringly, so Aching with my bruises, that I curled in the floor &d Wept &d Rocked myself.
When my Lord the Judge came down he was first much worried fo
r my dreadful state, but after he grew wrathful that I had tried to run away &d Rag’d such that even Mistress Anne withdrew a little. He promis’d me all manner of torture if I tried such againe, &d dragged me whimpering forth from the corner to slap me with the Back of his Hand. Then he soften’d, &d held me like a baby, Notwithstanding that I resisted, &d coo’d at me to calm me. Finally he instructed Anne to lock me in the Cellar, but added that I was to be granted the Grace of a new blanket. I was Transported downstairs, &d in the dark I fell asleep with my Back againest a Barrell.
In the morning I awoke to the Cellar, which was Gray with umber-light only, &d I shivered &d cryed to myself, for all my boddie ach’d &d pain’d me, &d I could trace Scratche &d Bump upon my skinn. Then I bethought me what would happen, &d what torture my Lord the Judge might inflict upon me. At length the door ope’d, &d down came Patrick, carrying a cot &d a candle. Heere’s for you, master, he sayed, you’ll sleep heere now, I warrant. Ye’ll not be able to Fly from your bolt-hole now, will ye?
I wept forsooth, &d begged Patrick to take Pity on me, but he only shook his head mournfully.
He placed the cot agaynst the Wall, &d placed the candle on the floor beside, fixing it with a Spot of waxe. Then he left, &d I tried to find it in my heart to be Thankful to GOD that I had been given a lamp to light my Gloome. But the flickering of the candle-light wash’d upon the corners &d crannies of the Cellar, &d I bethought me I saw the tails of Rats disappearing behind Barrells, &d into cracks in the wall, &d I became much more Fearful. I began to howl, like an animal, for GOD had abandoned me &d Retreated into the Temple of his Righteousness, &d heere was a Desart of Sin, &d I was abandoned in it.
But the crying brought no succour, so I fell quiet, &d began rocking forards &d back, &d this comforted me some.
When my Lord the Judge ope’d the door &d came down the steps carrying a lantern &d a canteen of Water, I was no longer able ev’n to be Fearful, &d I did meerly rock forards &d back, &d sang to myself in a small voyce. My Lord the Judge sat on the hindmost step &d look’d at me.
My boy, my boy he spake eventually. What devill whisper’d to you to Leap from the Window? Didst think thou couldst Flie?
I could not say.
God gave you life, said my Lord, his voice dark with melancholy. Dost think it is yours to cast away?
Oh my lord, I said at last, I am so very unhappy.
Yet wheerefore? said he.
I bethought me for a while, but my witts were tumbling so that I could not frame a proper answer. I am afeared theere are Rats in this place, my lord I said.
Tush he said. Theere are no rats my boy.
&d Mistress Anne uses me so cruel, I broke out weeping.
How so, lad? he sayeth.
She holds my food back &d methinks sells it to others, I say, but my tongue is babbling &d cannot be contained. She beats me from time to time, &d brings in fretwork for me to toil at, yet she pockets the money earned theereby. She tooke away my penny that you gave me—
My lord looked at me for a long time, &d spoke some wordes of Promise, that Mistress Anne would be punished. Then he came to my side &d, tho I flinch’d, he stretched my body out to lye flat upon the floor. Heere he took away my cloathes, &d I began trembling &d shivering, tho not with the cold, but with fearful anticipation. But heere my lord did not lay with me, but took the Canteen of water &d splash’d his sleave, &d rubbed the Dirt from my skinn. He then took out some Oil from a small bottle he carried about his person, &d rubb’d this same upon my Bruises. The pain diminish’d somewhat, albeit not being altogether gone. All this time he was cooing &d saying soothing matter, &d I was weeping with Great Pity of myself. Heere my lord left me, taking the lantern but leaving the Water for my Thirst. I lay Naked, for a length of time. My mind suffer’d fearfully at this time. My sense of abandonment by GOD was now most Profound, &d I Wept tears Bitter as Lemmon-Juice in my Eyes. I lay Friendless, my soule Ruin’d beyond hopes of redemption, quite without hopes of Deliverance from mine Persecutors. In my state of Savageness I fell to alternately Pleading &d after Railing at GOD; first begging him to release me from the State of Agony, &d after wishing fearsome Imprecations upon the Godhead for punishing so terribly a small boy who had never the chance to sinne so manifestly as to merit such treatment. But I recall’d my Church-going, that the sinne was not mine, but Adam’s, &d that all soules are born blacker than Coal, &d liable for the Fiery Pit by merest virtue of breathing, all on account of Adam’s theft. But at this thought I began inwardly cursing Adam, instead of Humbly praying to GOD for forgiveness.
The following Day Mistress Anne came down upon me, &d I was greatly afeared lest she should wish to Punish me for speaking of her to my lord. Indeed, she did looke Darkly upon me, but she strucke me not, nor us’d me ill, but bade me gather up my blanket &d come along with her. When I ask’d her whither we tended she said Away, &d a good riddance.
Wheere away, Mistress Anne? I asked, for the thought made me to tremble anew, for if I were cast into the Street then I would surely starve.
Away into a coache is all I know, she said, &d that suffices me.
Into the hall, with me blinking &d winking at the daylight, I was met by a coachboy &d a Serving-butler. This last was a great tall man, who Grinn’d at me like as I was a morsel of food, &d I trembled againe. But he saw me into the coach &d sat opposite me, forever keeping his Eye upon me, &d from time-a-time Grinning some more. When the coach started away I called upon my Courage &d in weake tones begged the Man tell me what was to become of me.
Why, little sprat? he cried in a great loud Voice, such that I trembled. Do ye not know?
No, sir, I pleaded. &d I am greatly afeared that you will do away with my miserable life, &d I call on you to be merciful in the name of GOD in Heaven.
He laught at this, til verily I bethought him a very Grinning Devill. But then he spoke more kindly, that we were bound for my Lord the Judge’s House in the Countryside West of the Citie, wheere it was peaceful &d the air fragrant with the coming blossom.
Wheerefore does my Lord wish me to remove to this House? I asked, but at this the Grinning man spoke not, but wrapped his arms together over his chest &d Ey’d me.
I then asked whether Mistress Newbolt, the wife of the Judge, was in residence at this House? &d whether the three children were present also?
At this the Man laughed the more, &d said No, young Scrap; they live in the Judge’s Great House in Dornie, by Maidenhead, which they only leave to come up to London for the Royal Season.
I trembled some at this, not knowing why my lord should wish to remove me to a far distant house, with none but the Grinning Devill as guardian, if it were not to use me Ill. My mind turned againe to Self-murther, &d indeed it was a frequent thing for me in these days to think of ending my life. But, having been cooped-up so long in the Cellar, my Eye was soon distracted by the roads &d views to be Spyed out the coach-window.
We travell’d to Windsor, wheere my Lord the Judge had Stabling-rights, &d at an Inne we lunched upon Capons &d Beere, the Grinning Man watching me the while as if he feared I might give him the Slip at any time. For indeed the Streetes of this town, &d the Fine Castle, looked so Fair in my eyes that it seemed to me the Celestial Citie, &d I imagined I might live happy heere, e’en if only to bed me down on the streets. But at night I was lodg’d with the Grinning man, who tho he touched me not, yet he never left off Looking at me. When I fell asleep he was watching me, &d as I awoke in the Dawn he was watching me still.
We travelled from theere alongside the river to Maid[enhead], &d from thence into the countryside wheere we came to a Farm of my lord’s, &d a House in moderate Gardens &d a wood near bye. In this house, smaller than my lord the Judge’s Towne house, I was lodg’d in a clean white roome, although it had Barres on the window to prevent my egress. Heere I had a good straw-mattress, sheets, a pitcher of water &d a jugg, &d a bowle, &d a Bible to read. I was kept in this roome, nor allowed out for five days; &d only the Grinning Man came &d wen
t with my foode &d to remove the pan into which I voided my selfe. I strove to improve myself in these days, &d read the Bible often, but theere were times of great Darkness of Soule too, &d I often contemplated my owne Death, drawing a satisfaction theereof that I Reason’d must reflect on my Wickedness. Truly is it said, Life is a Gift of GOD Himself, &d all who rejoyce in that gift praise GOD in their way. But if His face is turned away from ye, &d ye see but his hind-partes, then the Sheen of Life is rubb’d Away, &d Death preys upon the Minde. For the Abandoned of God, theerefore, is Death the colour of Soule, just as Life colours the Godly. By this Token, I knew that God was gone from me, &d I read in the Book.
On my second day, a Parson did come &d talk with me. He bade me think of GOD &d humbly beg forgiveness, &d I heartily wept with this man that he should so know my Wickedness. He staid but a short time, &d he read aloud a passage from the Testament of Paul, which I considered to lighten my mind greatly, but after he left I felt the weight more direly on my Soule, that GOD should so have turned His face away from me.
Now this Parson did visit me on divers occasion, &d at first I considered him a Succour, or agent of Redemption &d Deliverance; but afterwards he revealed himself in another light. &d his name, as he willingly told me, was Wilmot.
After a weeke of confinement I grew pale &d sickened, &d knew in my Hearte that the scab, &d the itch, had been sent of GOD to seeke me out in my isolation. A doctor attended me, with a silk-cherchief over his nose, &d after I was brought out of my roome during the day, &d given great meals in the Kitchen (although my appetite was feeble still), &d walked with the Grinning Man, or with Parson Wilmot, amongst the apple-trees of the garden. I thought that my skinn would fall off my bones with the Scab, &d Devills come up through the floor in my fever &d carry me directly to Hell, but this did not come to pass. I regained my strength in time, &d walked some more amongst the Blossom of the trees, so Fragrant &d Fair that I thought myself glimpsing Heaven.