by Michael Todd
The frost giant sneered. “They always did wait until the last second to make their grand entrance. Very dramatic.” He finished clearing branches from his tree and began stripping the dark bark off, revealing white wood underneath.
“There is one angel, though. She’s actually not even a full angel, but she’s been giving us hell, pardon the pun. I guess she’s technically half-angel and half-demon. Well, that’s not entirely accurate either. She is half-angel and Pandora.”
“Pandora?”
“Lilith. The bitch is fighting for the humans.” Moloch lowered his head as the frost giant’s eyes grew wide. He roared and swung his newly fashioned club over Moloch’s head. Moloch ducked quickly, avoiding the club, and it slammed into a row of trees. The trees cracked and fell, sending clouds of snow into the air. Moloch shuddered as it slid down his neck.
The frost giant breathed heavily and angrily, staring at Moloch. “Why is that bitch always a problem? I hate her. I always have. She’s always in the way of every good plan.”
Moloch scoffed. “Tell me about it. She killed her brother T’Chezz. Oh yeah, chopped his head right off with a sword she got from the angels. Yeah. An angel sword. No shit. She came to hell and saved a human. It’s fucking crazy, right? Now she’s fighting for the humans with her meat sack angel body. She’s always been a needy bitch.”
The frost giant let out a deep sigh. He used his claws to shave the tip of his club down, giving it a crude point. “What is this new world like? Is it different than the last time I was here?”
Moloch looked at him like he was crazy. “Dude, it’s been centuries.”
He shrugged. “The humans weren’t very bright last time I was here.”
Moloch snorted. “Things have changed, my friend. They built huge cities, polluted the Earth, invented all kinds of technology. It’s nuts.”
The frost giant looked at him, unimpressed. “And women? Are there still lots of women?”
Moloch looked around them atop a huge mountain. “Well, there are none up here, but down in the cities, they’re everywhere.”
“Are these cities crowded?”
Moloch nodded, blowing warm air into his hands. He cupped his warm hands over his crotch. “Shit yeah. The cities are so crowded they can barely walk next to each other. Easy targets for a big demon, but they come in numbers. That can suck for us sometimes.”
“What about weapons? Still shooting with arrows and bows?”
Moloch furled his brow and blinked. “No, dude. They not only have missiles, guns, bombs, and grenades, but they have nuclear and hydrogen bombs. Crazy shit. I wish I’d thought of it. They held nothing back when it came to weapons. They were at war with each other, and now they’ve turned their attention to us. They also have special metal that severely injures demons.” Moloch pointed to the frost giant’s crude spear. “I don’t think that’s going to cut it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Special metal. It’s a bitch.”
The frost giant considered his spear, then snapped it in two. “What about language? Icelandic? Slavic?” He started to shave the other end of the spear into a point.
“Uh, no. Almost everyone speaks English where we’re going, but there are a plethora of other languages out there. Hundreds of different languages, really, but English is definitely high on the list. They still haven’t deciphered our language, except for when the bitch, Lilith, is involved.” Moloch snarled, feeling the anger inside the Leviathan filling him too.
The frost giant held up his two new spears. “There! Two!”
Moloch sighed. “I really didn’t sell the special metal like I should have. Spears are old-school. You’re going to need to think a bit more like a human, here.”
The giant tossed his spears to the ground. “Well, I guess I can’t go walking around like this then.”
Moloch looked at him with sorrow. “No, friend, that would be a dead giveaway.”
The frost giant stood up and cracked his knuckles. His eyes sparkled and glimmered, blue energy crackling around him. The frost giant’s body began to shrink smaller and smaller until he was the same size as an average human male. Moloch nodded, impressed, until his eyes landed on the man’s naked lower half.
The frost giant rolled his shoulders and neck, getting comfortable. “Now I am ready to conquer these pissant humans.”
Moloch put his fingers to his lips and then pointed. He stopped himself and pressed his fingers to his lips again. The frost giant rolled his eyes and put his hands out. “What is it now?”
Moloch gestured to the frost giant’s dong.
“What? Have men lost their dicks now?”
“No. I just think it might be a good idea if you got some clothes before you try and conquer anything. They value a bit of modesty now.” Moloch tried to hide a smirk.
The giant waved his hands in disgust. “These humans and their issues. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. We started with no clothes, went to fully dressed, back to barely any clothes, and now it’s suddenly rude to walk around as nature intended. Whatever. I will get these clothes, but then I’m building my army again. I’m going to take over Europe.”
Moloch put his hands on his hips. “I hate to tell you this, but you can’t have all of Europe. I’ve put in work. I want to be a Lord.”
“But I’m a lord, or at least I was,” the giant grumbled angrily.
Moloch narrowed his eyes. “What’s in a name? Lord? Frost giant? Leviathan? Just names. Now things have changed. You have to fucking share. You were never any good at that.”
The giant looked at him like he was going to explode. “Fine, whatever, we share. But I get Schwyz, Uri, and Unterwalden.”
Moloch nodded and smiled appraisingly. “Good choice, Switzerland. That’s what they call it now. I understand the women are particularly attractive.”
The giant eyed him and laughed. “You not like?”
Moloch shrugged. “Can’t live with them, can’t eat them when they piss you off. They give you indigestion, alive or dead.”
The giant curled his lip. “You never did like the human women much. Except of course when you were in the human body here on Earth. Then you didn’t mind them so much. Of course, you would kill them anytime they got on your nerves.”
Moloch sighed. “They can be so damn needy. No, I don’t want to give you children. No, I don’t want to hold your damn human hand. Yes, I absolutely expect to be fed small live animals and human heads whenever I snap my fingers. That’s the one that always got them.”
The giant chuckled. “I remember that one girl, long ago. You walked into the house and poured out your sack full of human heads and announced, ‘Dinner is served!’ The sounds of her screams could be heard for miles.”
Moloch and the giant both laughed, shutting it down quickly, remembering they really didn’t like each other too much. The giant’s eyes flashed for a moment. “I remember you tried to take my countries. You were always jealous of me.”
Moloch choked on his own spit. “Jealous? Come now. You know I’m never jealous. It may be a demon thing, but it never got me. I’m sorry you were weak.”
The giant stood up angrily, clenching his fists. Moloch slapped his shoulder like they were old friends. “Just busting your balls. Things will be different this time. We’ll share, and everything will work out for the best.”
The giant gave him a sideways glance. “We will see. For now, I’m going down to start on building my country. It takes a lot of work, and I have slept far too long.”
Moloch looked over the edge. “You’re just going to walk down the mountain buck ass naked?”
The giant growled. “Why not? Who fucking cares?”
Moloch shrugged. “Just sayin’. It’s a different world now.”
The giant smiled slowly. He pointed to Moloch’s crotch. “Have demons lost their dicks, too?”
Moloch balked. “It’s very cold out here.”
Without warning, the frost giant punched Moloch hard in
the chest. He flew up off the ground and back into the trees. The giant could hear the echo of crunching limbs as the demon crashed through the forest and tumbled over the side of the mountain. Moloch’s voice rang out with every roll and every smash into a rock. “Fucking Leviathan… Ow! Icy prick… Fuck! Son of a bitch… Ouch.”
The giant grabbed his stomach and started laughing hysterically. With every curse and every crunch, the Leviathan lost it just a little more. He cupped his hands and shouted to Moloch, “That’s for tricking me in Norseland!”
He shook his head happily and headed down the mountain. The cold did not bother him, and he was quick on his feet. Over the curves and cliffs, around the trees, he moved with ease. He paused as he reached a hiking thoroughfare. He waited, crouching in the snow until he saw two hikers coming down the trail. It was a man and a woman. They didn’t see him coming at all. He ran through the woods and leaped high into the air. He grinned as he landed right in front of them.
“Woah, dude, put some clothes on,” the guy blurted out, putting his hand up to cover his eyes.
The frost giant shook his head from side to side. “The thing is, I don’t have any. So. I will kill you and take yours. Thank you.”
The guy looked shocked. “What the fuck? Who the hell are you?”
The frost giant jumped forward and grabbed the guy’s head and twisted hard. There was a wet snap as his neck broke. The frost giant dropped him to the snow. “I am Juntto, your future ruler.”
The woman screamed loudly and dropped her pack. She ran through the snow, falling and sliding as she tried to get away. Juntto sighed and walked quickly forward, moving faster than any human possibly could. He grabbed the woman by the arm. She turned and slugged him hard in the face, breaking her hand on his ice-chiseled chin. She screamed at her ruined hand and began to cry. She brought a knee up into his groin and broke her leg on his frosty junk. She struggled, and he attempted to wrap his arms around her. They fought back and forth for several moments.
Finally, Juntto simply grabbed her arm and tossed her over the side of the mountain. “Too much trouble.”
He turned and walked to the hiker. He realized he didn’t know how these new clothes were fastened or hooked or whatever. He snarled and waved his hand, transferring the hiker’s clothes to his own body. Juntto was now dressed in a plaid shirt, snow pants, and a heavy jacket. It wasn’t at all like the last time he was there. He changed his body to fit the clothes, a bit more in the belly, a bit less in the shoulders. His face melted and twisted to look more like the hiker. He swirled his hand around his head, shortening his hair. It became black except for one prominent strand of silver.
The strand fell in his face, and he pushed the lock of hair back. “Damn rules. Always just one strand of silver.”
Back in hell, a large gate opened back in Moloch’s castle. The demon stepped through with an irritated look on his face. The snow on his shoulders and horns instantly steamed off of him from the heat of hell. He stood there for a moment, reveling in the scalding air.
Moloch raised a hand, and the gate slammed shut behind him. “Motherfucker. He had to be an asshole, not that I didn’t fucking deserve it.”
He continued to mumble and curse as he walked toward the fireplace. He brushed his arms, pulling branches free and yanking twigs from between his scales. He grumbled angrily as he snapped the branches in half and tossed them into the fire. The flames sparked and grew, the souls in the pit of the fire screaming out in agony.
Moloch looked down at the souls as the last bit of snow evaporated from the top of his head. “Oh, you think you’re upset. You didn’t fall straight down a goddamn mountain.”
He shook his whole body and growled, stomping his foot and shaking the furniture in the room. He put both of his large, taloned hands on the fireplace mantle and leaned his head down, letting the heat of the fire warm him. Moloch hated the cold more than almost everything, except for Juntto and maybe Lilith.
A few moments later, Baal walked through the door, whistling gleefully. He stopped dead in his tracks and sniffed, snarling his lip. “It smells like fucking Christmas in here. That’s disgusting.”
“Tell me about it,” Moloch growled from across the room.
Baal looked at him, and his eyes grew wide. There were scratches down Moloch’s legs and several twigs he’d missed still stuck in his scaly back. “What the hell happened to you?”
Moloch waved the question away and plopped down in a chair by the fire. “I spoke to Juntto about our problem. I told him I needed him to start assembling his armies again.”
Baal’s mouth fell open, and he carefully sat down in the chair across from Moloch. “You woke that ass up? I thought you said you’d never deal with him again after the last debacle?”
Moloch groaned and leaned his head back. “I know, dammit. I don’t have a lot of choice at this point. I need his armies. You know how good he is at taking over countries. He’s already set his sights on Europe, especially Switzerland. He can move among the humans without being noticed. No red eyes, no scales. He looks like one of them and can fit in if he really wants to.
Baal scoffed. “That’s the key—if he really wants to.”
Moloch looked at Baal. “Don’t underestimate him. Remember, he’s taken over countries before. He has led great armies. He may be an idiot with a temper, but he gets shit done when it needs to happen.”
“What if his armies get too big?”
Moloch shook his head. “You know Lucifer won’t let that happen. If he gets too big for his britches, then we’ll have to take him down a peg or two. He may have powerful armies, but we will always be able to keep him in check.”
Baal wasn’t completely convinced. He stared at the souls writhing in the fireplace. “I don’t know about this. It seems so risky.”
Moloch stood up and waved his hands at Baal. “Trust me. We’ll just have to figure out a way to kill him when we no longer need him.”
Baal sighed and tilted his head to the side. “That will be two hundred years from now. Perhaps the humans will do it anyway. They got Tiamat.”
Moloch cut him off before he could finish, turning quickly toward him. “Only because she was leaving hell. On top of that, she was beaten to shit. If she had left here healthy, they would all be dead by now. We were done with her, and that’s the point. She needed to be exterminated, and we made sure to let that happen. We kept our promise and released her and took care of loose ends at the same time.”
Baal took a step back and decided not to mention Tiamat again. “What’s Juntto doing now?”
Moloch poured himself a pint of Scotsman’s blood and took a long sip. “He’s out doing what he does, conquering. He’s going to build a new country for himself, starting with Switzerland.”
“He always did like those blondes.”
Moloch snorted and finished his drink, holding a glass up to Baal as an offer. Baal shook his head, and Moloch poured himself another glass, taking his seat again. He stretched his feet toward the fire, getting rid of any last feelings of cold. “Have you seen Pandora lately?”
Baal waved his head back and forth. “No, thank Lucifer.”
Moloch sneered slightly, smelling the aroma of his drink and staring into the flames in front of him. “I wonder what that bitch is up to. She’s been quiet for too long. That only means one thing, she’s planning something evil and twisted. Normally, I would applaud it, but considering she’s on the other team, it doesn’t bode well for me.”
Baal cleared his throat, trying to hide his worry. “Nah. She’s probably nursing her wounds. Her little pet was hurting pretty badly.”
Both Baal and Moloch turned their heads when one of the servants came through the door. “I have your dinner, most terrible Moloch.”
Moloch stood and motioned to Baal. “Excellent. What are we eating tonight?”
The staff came in after the servant, setting a large platter down in the center of the table and two small ones at both the seats. The st
aff grunted as they lifted the lid off the large platter. The head servant bowed. “The main course is baby elephant, plucked from its mother just two days before. It’s not sedated or anything.”
The baby elephant tried to scramble off the table, but its legs were tied. The servant pulled the covers off the other two platters. “On the side is a young dove medley and a fried pear stuffed with hamsters.”
Both of the demons clapped excitedly. Moloch looked at the servant and he snapped his fingers, sending a younger demon scrambling to set another platter down at the end of the table. The head servant pulled the lid off. “For dessert, you will have Jell-O-encased human brains with spinal fluid and fresh blood sauce, flambéed in a sugar crust.”
Moloch nodded his head. “Very good. No servants will be tortured tonight.”
Everyone scrambled quickly from the room, hoping he didn’t change his mind. Moloch and Baal sat down at the table and stared across at each other as they began dinner. Moloch lifted his glass into the air. “To us, Baal. I think Juntto will play perfectly into our hands. We’re geniuses, and we deserve every bit of terror we can have on our new planet. Here’s to the future of Earth!”
16
The helicopter’s whir echoed through the mountain. The pilot was trying to keep a safe distance from the slope, wanting to scope out the area while avoiding an avalanche. The chopper was an unmarked military unit with three men inside. First Lieutenant Andrews curved the chopper toward the mountain and hovered over the slope.
He pulled his microphone down. “That’s where the portal appeared. It happened long after the avalanche.”
Second Lieutenant Troughtman craned his neck to look at the slope. “I don’t get it. Why in the hell would a portal open way up here? No one is ever out here, and it’s colder than Alaskan poontang. As far as I know, demons like warm weather.”