by Michael Todd
Brock held his long sword in front of him with a mischievous grin. Turner rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, the sword from the Sword in the Stone. I forgot.”
The guys laughed and began to slash at the demons. Turner ran full speed at a medium-sized one, suddenly dropping to his knees and sliding right between its legs. He slashed the beast in its thighs and jumped, turning in mid-air and cutting it across the throat. The demon fell and turned to ash. Turner looked at the knives, impressed by his own skills. “Well, I’ll be damned. I’m pretty good with these fucking things.”
Just then, Brock screamed loudly as he flew through the air in front of Turner, slicing three demons’ heads off with one swipe. He landed and held the sword up, kissing the blade and wagging his eyebrows at Turner. “I’m pretty damn good, too.”
Turner just stared at him. “Always got to one-up someone.”
Behind them, Tattoos cupped his hand and yelled, “Two minutes!” He turned to his teammate. “Right?”
“Yep. Two minutes. You’re a great announcer, by the way.”
“Thanks, bro.” Tattoos pound his shoulder.
Turner ripped his knives free of a demonic corpse and watched the thing turn to ash. “I’d say ‘See you in hell, boys,’ but we’re already here.”
Brock chuckled and slapped him on the shoulder before running off to continue fighting.
Katie stayed perched on her boulder, watching the large demon draw closer. A smaller demon scrambled up the boulder, and she shot it easily. It was ash before it hit the ground.
Katie squinted, looking at the big guy. I don’t think we have enough time before lard ass gets here.
It’s Pugluzz. I think. Maybe not, I don’t remember Pugluzz being that tall.
Whoever it is, that asshole could fuck all of us with one swipe of his hand.
How about Fucknuts? That’s a good name.
I like it. Let’s go fuck up Fucknuts.
She looked at the guys fighting and holstered her gun. “Stand tall!” She leaped from the rock and landed in a roll, then took off toward Fucknuts at superhuman speed.
The giant demon made huge strides toward the group but paused, watching as the little human started coming his way. He wasn’t used to them running toward him. They always ran from him.
Katie pumped her arms, breathing heavily. You want in or out on this one?
Pandora replied cautiously, Why?
Because I’m going to have to go all angel to beat this fucker. He’s too big, and I am way too fragile in this environment to play around with his ass. I need to get everyone out of harm’s way. I can’t let Fucknuts over there make it through the portal when it opens. The guys on the inside wouldn’t stand a chance, not even for a second.
Pandora growled, Do I need to remind you that we’re trying to stay inconspicuous?
What’s less conspicuous, an angel with wings and a sword or the queen of hell?
Pandora thought about it for a moment. Considering the gossip, probably the angel but only by a hair. I still think this is a bad idea. We’re basically calling for Moloch and the others to send all their troops.
Katie pumped her arms faster. I’m pretty sure they know we’re here by now. Even if they don’t, we’ll be done and back home before they have a chance to send more demons. They’re fast, but not that fast. Think about how long it took these to get here. Fucknuts may be closing in, but he moves at a glacial pace comparatively.
You try carrying around a three-ton dick and balls and see how fast you move. Pandora started laughing before she even got the sentence out.
Katie grimaced, her eyes falling on the beast’s swinging tackle. Everyone thinks that demons eating people are what horror movie shit is about, but personally, I will spend the rest of my life trying to get the image of his dick out of my head.
Pandora focused through Katie’s vision. Sheesh, Fucknuts is packing. Just think of it as a large swinging bell.
A bell? Like a hot-dog-shaped bell or a snake ringing a bell? What are we talking about here?
Pandora sneered. Okay, you just officially made me want to vomit all over your insides. I will never eat a hot dog again, and this is coming from someone who likes hot dogs of all shapes and sizes. But not that shape and size. If I ever come back here, I’m starting a business that sells enormous pants, and every demon is going to be required to wear a pair.
Katie smiled. I just made hell a little more civilized. I have done my duty in this world.
You tricked me with your evil human-angel-demon-hybrid ways. That’s starting to get way too long to say. Don’t add to that shit, or I’m going to start calling you Katie the Mutt.
Katie ignored the comment as she grew closer to Fucknuts. It’s you then, right?
Pandora cracked her neck. It’s me.
They both went silent and Katie slowed her pace, waiting on Pandora. After a couple of awkward moments and Pandora whistling, she cleared her throat loudly. So are you going to pull me out or what?
Katie smiled. Well, I thought since you climbed back in on your own, you could get back out on your own.
Pandora sniffed as Fucknuts and his scrambling horde came closer. Thought you didn’t see that.
Katie stopped and crossed her arms. Seriously? You crawled inside my body. I would have had to be dead not to notice that. It isn’t the most covert thing. And you stepped on my liver when you came in. It felt bruised for a while. Still kind of stiff.
Okay, okay, I get it. Pandora braced herself and stepped out of Katie’s body. Katie felt like she was being turned inside out and ripped apart, and then it was over. Pandora stood before her, a sleek, demonic beauty. Katie examined her suit and found it undamaged.
Pandora shook her head, rattling away the fogginess that came with being very recently reborn. She reached her arms over her head and stretched, taking a deep breath and holding it while she cracked her back. She let out her breath and bounced on her heels, making sure all her jiggly parts still jiggled. “Fuck, yeah. Still got it.” She grinned toothily and smacked her fist into her palm. “Okay, dickweeds, Momma’s back.”
Pandora took off into the crowd of demons between her and Fucknuts. Her claws were razor-sharp and cut right through the necks of the lesser demons. She grabbed a small demon’s head and ripped it off his shoulders. She was quicker than them, and dozens of demons fell to her within a matter of seconds. She moved so fast that all the confused demons saw was a streak of color, and all they could hear was the crunching of bones and tearing of flesh.
Fucknuts stopped to watch the carnage. He narrowed his eyes and jumped back in surprise, realizing that the queen of hell was before him, and she wasn’t on his side.
“This one’s for you, you warty-dicked motherfucker!” Pandora locked eyes with Fucknuts as she grabbed a medium-sized demon by his head and ripped it clean from his shoulders, spraying blood everywhere.
Pandora rolled her eyes. “Come on, I’ve had my skin back for like ten minutes, and I get something on it.”
Another demon walked up and hissed at Pandora, spraying spittle on her cheek. She wiped her face and stared back with bright red eyes. She pulled her hand back and let it fly, smacking the demon as hard as she could across the cheek. The demon’s eyes bulged as she connected, there was a loud crack, and his head flew off his shoulders.
Pandora looked at her hand and the body falling to the ground in front of her. “Damn. My pimp hand is strong. I completely forgot what kind of power I have when I’m kicking ass in hell. That was fucking sweet!”
Katie felt a bit lighter, and her body picked up its amped effects. A demon charged at her, and in a smooth motion she holstered her gun and grabbed her knife. She flipped her arm up, bent at the elbow. The demon ran face-first into the blade and fell, turning to dust at her feet. She wiped the blade on her pants without even looking at the demon and put it back in its sheath.
Pandora called, “Katie, did you see that badass slap? I knocked his head at least three hundred yards.”
>
Katie pulled Tom and fired a few quick rounds. A demon’s head exploded into ash. “So you’re a champion demon golfer?”
Pandora snapped her fingers. “You know what? That would be a badass sport. I would be really fucking good at it. I have good aim and everything. I mean, I could go on a tour all over hell and beat all the old misogynistic demons.”
Katie cracked her neck and wiped the blood off her suit, the heat pulsating against her hand. It was hella hot down there, and without Pandora, she could feel the heat getting to her. She pulled out Harry and pointed it at a charging demon. The large bullet exploded from the chamber and flew through the air, going straight through the demon’s head.
Katie looked at the barrel of the gun and smirked. “Huh, it’s nice when I’m the one who’s got your back and not the other way around. I can kind of sit back and relax back here, taking demons out right and left.”
Pandora growled as she ripped a demon in half and then stared at Katie with her hands on her hips. “Moving a little faster might prolong life, though. You’re backup, not second string. You can’t just sit this one out.”
Katie performed a double-take as Pandora flipped through the air to land on a demon’s shoulders, snapping its neck. Her skin glistened as she dropped to the ground and leaped up and her huge breasts bounced around wildly, knocking a couple of demons in the face.
Katie rubbed her own breasts, wondering if that had hurt her. “Do you always run around naked here? I feel like too many flips, twists, and turns and you’re going to end up with some serious chafing. I mean, with an ass like that I’d probably want to flaunt it too, but hell’s bells, girl!”
Pandora laughed as she broke a demon’s neck. “Aren’t you the cute little angel, bringing your taboos to hell with you? It’s hell, honey. We don’t really have rules here. And what would you like me to do? Stop fighting demons and grab some clothes? By the time I got back, you would be dead and it would be all over.”
Katie smashed the butt of her gun into the skull of a demon and kicked him hard. “It’s not my delicate sensibilities. It’s jealousy, bitch.” She shot the demon in the face and watched his ashes blow away. “And I am a little tougher than you think.”
Katie snapped her fingers as she had seen Timothy do a hundred times. Pandora threw her head back and bellowed. She was laughing so hard that she screwed up the spell she had been working on. Energy shimmered around her. Immediately, she jumped toward Katie and shielded her.
“Fuck!” Pandora yelled as a loud explosion of light blasted outward from behind her, taking down rows and rows of demons.
She slowly lifted her head and looked around. “Huh.”
Katie was under Pandora, the demon’s tit dangerously close to her face. “Huh, what?”
“I just fucked up that spell because you made me laugh, and it turned out better than the original would have. I did not see that coming.”
Katie smirked. “You’re welcome?”
“No! Stop making me laugh. But seriously, that was funny as shit. Good joke.”
Katie tried to move away from Pandora’s encroaching boob, but she was pinned. “Uh, excuse me?
Pandora looked down. “Yeah?”
Katie pointed at the boob almost rubbing her cheek. “Could you move your tits before you put my goddamned eye out?”
Pandora stood up. “Oh, sorry about that. They’ve got a mind of their own.”
The radio on Katie’s headset crackled, and Calvin’s voice spoke to her. “Katie, the test is done. We gotta get out of here before we become toe jam to that huge-ass bastard.”
Katie looked at Pandora. “Got to go, Pandora. We need an exit plan. As much as I’m enjoying your nude gymnastic display in front of the backdrop of a giant swinging dick, I want to get out of hell. The guys look pretty beat up back there and are going to need medical attention. What’s the plan?”
Pandora looked over her shoulder at Katie and winked. “How about an ass the size of a car?” Pandora put her hands to her sides and grinned.
“Okay, really. We need a…” Katie closed her mouth. Something was wrong. Pandora was getting taller. Katie watched with wide eyes as Pandora grew larger and larger until she was face to face with Fucknuts. Katie had to crane her neck to look up at Pandora. Her huge ass cast a shadow over the entire valley.
Katie cupped her mouth and yelled up to her, “Now what’s the plan? Ask him on a date? Because you are one huge bitch. Not many men will date a woman that size.”
Pandora snapped her head around and glared down at Katie, her eyes bright red. “Can I save all of us or would you like to continue with your rude jokes?”
Katie stepped back, giving Pandora the floor. “No. Please, by all means. I want to see this. Just don’t step on me.”
Pandora nodded and turned back to Fucknuts, who was genuinely confused.
He growled and slowly put his paws up in a fighting stance.
Pandora laughed loudly. “Isn’t that cute? He thinks we’re going to fight.”
Both Katie and Fucknuts tilted their heads to the side, trying to guess Pandora’s plan.
Fucknuts decided to go the other direction. He gestured to his grotesque groin and gave her a questioning glance.
Pandora gave him a disgusted look and reared her leg back, then delivered the biggest kick to the ‘nads hell had ever seen. Fucknuts growled and grabbed his balls, shaking the ground when he fell to his knees in agony. The guys near the gear grimaced, and even Katie could feel his pain.
Pandora spat on the demon. “Size doesn’t mean anything to me, Fucknuts.” She shot him in the head for good measure.
She quickly shrank to normal size and ran over to pull Katie away from the howling demon. Katie couldn’t help but turn and watch the demon writhe in pain, drool coming out of the corner of his mouth and black blood from his head. “He really went down like a sack of potatoes. A whole hell of a lot of potatoes. I think his dick crushed like a dozen smaller demons when he hit the ground.”
Pandora rolled her eyes, grabbed Katie, and threw her over her shoulder. “Hey!”
“Can’t talk, saving a mouthy bitch right now.”
Pandora ran across the field so fast that she was just a dark naked blur. Katie bobbed up and down, trying to clear her head of what she had just seen. “I never, by the way, want to be that close to a house-sized coochie again. I mean, never. I thought it was going to swallow me and I would be lost forever.”
Pandora snickered. “I don’t call it my hellmouth for nothing.”
Tattoos and his teammate were anxiously awaiting Katie’s arrival. Brock, Turner, and Calvin were spread around them in formation, picking off stray demons one by one. Suddenly a blur passed Tattoos and stopped in front of the cart.
Katie said, “What are we waiting for?” Her eyes were bright red; Pandora was clearly in control. “I’m ready to get the holy hell out of here. You guys okay?”
Brock nodded and gestured to his shredded suit. “Still alive, but we’d really like to get out of here.” Calvin and Turner had equally torn suits.
Pandora patted him on the shoulder, and Brock winced. “The open spots are a little tender.”
“Sorry. We’ll get that taken care of real soon. Promise.”
She rubbed her hands together, and tingling energy flowed through her. Inside her body, Katie began to get drowsy; the spell Pandora had cast was quickly diminishing. She spread her arms out wide and closed her eyes, tearing a gate through thin air.
Pandora turned and whipped her arm in a circle. “Go, go, go!”
22
The soldiers outside the hangar bay stood waiting for something—anything—to happen. The timer had run out, and it was now negative five minutes. They hadn’t heard a peep, but the commander and the general held firm. They were determined to wait, knowing the team would come through at any moment.
“I don’t know if they’re going to make this,” one of the soldiers whispered.
His friend shrugged and then
stepped back as thunder sounded inside the building. A portal opened wide in the hangar bay. Hot gases and the smell of sulfur blew out, knocking the soldiers back a few feet. They all got their footing and raised their guns, waiting for someone to come out. If it was a demon, they would blast it to pieces.
Suddenly, the tattooed soldier and his teammate rushed from the portal. They groaned as they pulled the equipment into the hangar. The metal cart was warped and steaming, and the tires were flat. Both men fell to the ground and took their masks off, gasping for air. Tattoos raised a shaking fist and gave his teammate a pound on the back. “Clock-watchers. Fucking right.”
Brock and Turner emerged next. They faced back toward hell, still firing their weapons at the demons attempting to come through after them.
“You can’t come in, assholes. We don’t like your kind here,” Brock screamed, blasting two demons in the face and sending them back to hell.
Brock and Turner collapsed, and medics rushed to them. The portal stayed open, but only hellishly hot air came out.
The commander turned to a staff sergeant. “I want you ready for whatever the fuck comes out of there.”
A low yell came from the portal. It was Calvin. He lumbered out of the portal with Katie in his arms. He set her down, and they walked away from the portal together. She was struggling a bit, trying to get her feet under her. Calvin helped her out into the open air. “Take it easy there, lady. That last little bit of magic took a lot out of you.”
Pandora nodded. Katie was panting in the background. She raised her hand and waved it, closing the gate behind her. “It’s like exercise. Don’t do it for a while and you get tired easily.”
Calvin chuckled. “Or sex. Guys will be out like a light if they haven’t done it in a while.”
Pandora patted Calvin on the arm. “I lasted longer, though, black Rambo.”
Calvin narrowed his eyes, looking at Katie’s face. He knew then it was Pandora who had the wheel, not Katie. She took off her helmet, the wind from the open hangar bay door blowing the smell of sulfur toward the mountains.