“I understand and I know it’s difficult for you to talk to me now, but still you’re trying and for that I’m really happy.”
“Yeah,” I tell, amused. “After a very long time, I have availed work from home today. The timing worked out since even Cecilia is out shopping and catching up with friends.”
She has been asking for two days now and I couldn’t get myself to refuse her. Despite my busy schedule, I had to make time for Sara. Try as I might, necessity can’t be ignored for long. It surfaces to the top, begging to be scratched like an itch.
“It’s crazy, isn’t it? A lot has changed over two months. I didn’t expect to be such a willing participant.” Is she hinting at our relation? I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about it.
“I had given you a fair warning. But you took it up as a challenge and ended up failing. I won’t say told you so. It’s my pleasure to see you lose.” She starts to talk but I cut her. “And bend for me,” I complete. Another erotic image pops up in my head. Sex. It’s such an easy distraction.
“Don’t use sex to distract me now, Nathan. That’s an added bonus alright, but I want you to be clear that I’m not with you just for it.”
“Of course, don’t I know it? You’re bound to be in high demand, Sara. Getting laid comes easy for you. So, yeah, I understand that my appeal is special.”
“Seriously, now?” she chuckles. “You’re clearly exaggerating. I’m no model and neither am I an hourglass to be that much in demand.”
“Get a good look at yourself in the mirror,” I order. “You’re a true beauty, Sara Waters. Not everyone has to have a model figure to truly attract eyes. See yourself from my eyes and you’ll know what perfection truly is.”
“Nate,” she scolds in a humorous tone. “You sure know how to make a woman blush. You’re something else. So, let me get it straight, you’re saying I’m a combination of beauty and personality?”
“Feisty personality. The one who can bring me to my knees. It’s a combination that I’ve been seeking my whole life. Finally found it in you.”
Her next words are drowned out as Isla bursts into my room, calling out for me.
“Dad!” she scolds. “What’s wrong with you?”
Did she he hear my conversation with Sara? What is she so miffed about?
“I need answers.” She huffs, folding her arms across her chest.
“I’ll reschedule this meeting,” I tell over the phone, clearing my throat. “Thanks and bye.”
I cut the call and give my daughter my complete attention. She looks exhausted with a soaked jersey now tied around her midriff and sweat dripping down her face. With her hands propped on her knees, she bends, taking deep breaths.
“Isla?” I call out cautiously, still drawing a blank as to what got her so annoyed.
“Dad, we won. The winning basket was mine.” Though her face lights up with a smile, it doesn’t reach her eyes and I know exactly why. I fucked up royally.
“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can say. I can’t get myself to say anything else. It’s entirely my fault.
“This victory doesn’t mean much to me at all. My first victory and still I’m not happy. Ask me why?” She narrows her eyes, shooting daggers with them.
“Your dad had promised that he would and yet he didn’t turn up,” I say with my head bent down in shame.
“And why didn’t you show up? Did you have a very genuine reason or did you just forget, dad? I need to know this.”
I still don’t look at her as I try to answer truthfully. I hate lying to her or disappointing her for that matter. I’ve already hurt her and now I should lie to her about the true reason behind it. Complete truth is unfathomable for her.
“I…” I stutter and my hand goes to my forehead, trying to soothe the ache that has started to pound. “To be honest, it slipped my mind. I remembered it up until yesterday night but then I got absorbed in some important, urgent work and lost track of time.”
“More important than my game? The same game you had trained me for? I wasn’t that confident but you believed that I’ll be taking the trophy home and you wanted to be on the stands, applauding me, proud that I proved myself wrong. Dad, it’s all because of you and I wanted you to be there.”
“Yes. I wanted to be there,” I admit sadly. “Honestly with a lot happening, I just forgot. I was excited for it too. We spoke about it in dinner yesterday and I wished you luck, boosted your confidence. Dammit. I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t understand, dad,” she sobs. “You had told me yesterday that you would come but you might get a little late since you had to come from office, but I didn’t expect you to not show up at all. If there was any emergency or your prod issues, then I might have understood, but how can you just.” She shrugs and turns her face away from me. “Forget? That’s not done. It’s not fair at all.”
“It’s not. I know. I can’t even compensate for it. But all I can ask of you is another chance. I won’t let you down again. I genuinely wanted to be there and I couldn’t. I hurt you by.” I pause. This is where I lie. “Prioritizing work and forgetting about your game.” Sara. I was so eager to talk to her, to console her, convince her we are good that I forgot about my daughter’s first game where she played as a regular for her school. I was so excited when I first heard about it. How could I have missed it and ruined such an important day for her?
“Even Clay had made time to come for it. He was a little late, but he was more shocked than me about your absence. He did record the game for you. He didn’t want you to miss it.”
“He had tried calling me too,” I tell exasperatedly. My anger is directed at myself and for my feelings for Sara that doesn’t seem to have any visible limit.
“Yeah, but you were on another call. He assumed you were in a meeting and didn’t try again. He called mom too and she also expected you to be at the game. But what surprises me is I come home and find you here. You didn’t even go to office? It doesn’t make any sense, dad. You always keep us updated about your plans. Why not today?”
I don’t have answers for her. It’s not something planned. Not something I could control, solve, fix. I’m caught and lying is the only way out.
“I got into few adhoc meetings for which my presence was crucial and I lost track of time. I didn’t even check my calendar for reminders. It won’t happen again, Isla. I’m truly disappointed and I regret my actions. Firstly, I missed the real action of your game, and secondly, I ended up hurting you too. Two big regrets for me.”
“Dad,” she turns around with glazy eyes. “I know you’re apology is sincere, but I wish you wouldn’t have just forgotten. It happens, I get it, but you never make such kind of mistakes and since you’re doing it for the first time now, it hurts.”
“It’ll be the last time,” I tell strictly. “You’ll never have to get used to it.”
“I know, dad. See the video and give me your valuable feedback,” she tells with a real smile.
“Sure. I’ll do it. My pleasure.” I grin her way.
She walks to the door, but turns back again. “Do not forget.”
Going forward, I should get used to her taunting me with that line.
“Looking at you, it seems like a lot has changed.” Doc Matthews raises his brows with a knowing smile. “I don’t actually like using it on my patients, but since you’ve always been the smart one who thinks he can never be wrong, let me say it and enjoy this moment.” He smirks. “I told you so,” he tells proudly.
“It’s not nice for a counsellor to laugh at his client’s expense, you know?” I ask with a ticking jaw.
“I’m well aware, but it’s not nice for a patient to dismiss and disobey the doctor’s words either. So, I can say tit for tat.”
“Really now? Expected more maturity from you Doc,” The bite is back in my voice but I know that he gets my underlying humor.
“I have a long way to go, Nate, so do you, but now let’s get back to focusing on you. Tell me, what changed
since your last visit?”
“Cecilia returned,” I state.
“And she was very pleased. The next session is with the both of you together, and she’s actually looking forward to it. That’s a huge leap for her. Usually she’s never for such sessions. I can proudly say she’s improving,” he says happily.
“And I’m clearly deteriorating,” I remark.
“And yet you are here, ready to talk, which makes me keep my hope alive that you’re trying to get back to the original path despite straying or taking a small detour.”
“Maybe.” Crossing my hands across the headrest, I lean back on my hands. “I was never actually completely off track. But, I think I had lost my way, and I don’t want that to happen again.”
“You’re bound to get lost again if you continue, and you wouldn’t want to risk that. Explain me, Nathan. How far were you lost?” He asks softly. I don’t answer immediately and he waits patiently, instead of pushing me.
“I forgot my daughter’s basketball game. Couldn’t attend it when I was actually quite excited about it. I was so absorbed in making and spending time with Sara that I completely forgot about it and it’s only when Isla came fuming into my room did I realize where I should have been.”
“I want more clarity. So, you regretted not attending Isla’s game or do you regret talking to Sara?”
“That’s a hard one.” I let out a humorless snicker. “And you always come up with such questions to confuse the fuck out of me.”
“That’s the only way you’ll push yourself to seek the hard but necessary answers,” he retorts calmly.
“It’s twisted,” I answer with a sigh. “I don’t regret my time with Sara. Not even a single moment of it, but I regret talking to her at that time. Time that was reserved for my daughter. I regret hurting my daughter while I sought my own happiness. I should have kept the two apart. I can’t have them mix again.”
“The two?” His brows knit together in deep thought. “Elaborate.”
“Sara and my family. Whatever I have going on with her is something that shouldn’t come in the way of me spending time with my family and their needs and happiness.”
He smiles ruefully before passing the glass of water that’s on the table between us to me. “My next few questions will get more difficult.” He tells, motioning towards it.
“Get on it with it already.” I down half the glass before setting it down.
“Before it was just work and family, so now can I safely assume it’s Sara, work and family? And Sara is not mixed with work? Work and pleasure?”
“No,” I bark out. “Sara is separate from work. She has intertwined and become a part of my life now. And yes, she’s important as well, but my family will always come first and my work is my passion and livelihood. I’ll always keep them on top.”
He nods in understanding. “Good. Even with Sara’s inclusion in the list, you have your priorities set.”
“Next question?”
“In context of your relation with her, which you don’t have a name for, how would you describe her?”
“A drug,” I answer easily. “An intense addiction that I just can’t get enough of. Something I desire and crave, almost to an extent that it has started to control me. And for a person like me, control is everything. I give it up to just enjoy few moments with her.”
“A drug.” His knit brows relax as he assesses me. “Something that is toxic and needs to be stopped. A temporary pleasure that’s causing more than harm it’s actually worth.”
“That’s not correct. She is worth it. She is a prized possession,” I bicker. “But she might be toxic to the relations I have built over the years and that actually scares me.”
“Something is exciting and exhilarating until it’s owned or possessed. She is yours and yet out of your reach. Play with this thought. If you were to have sex with her, would this thirst for her be quenched for good? As special as she is to you, it might be anxiety and desperation that’s heightening your desires and making you so attached to her.”
“It’s not like I hadn’t entertained this thought,” I tell, stuffing my hands into my pockets. I’m fidgeting. Another sign of losing control and being put in an uncomfortable position. “My honest answer is, I don’t know. It’s not just sex, I’ve already clarified that but actually doing it might have an effect alright, but I can’t say what kind. It might make me stop or make me greedier for it. I don’t want to risk taking that step now.”
“So, you’ll never actually meet her or won’t you be the one to propose the idea? What if she asks for it? Would you still refuse her? It’s something you clearly want as well.”
Damn his questions. These are the scenarios I don’t actually want to consider. “I won’t be able to refuse her and she sure as hell won’t take no for an answer. You don’t know her, but she knows me very well. She understands what I want and that’s her. If she has really made up her mind, I don’t think she’ll be giving me that choice.”
“Pretty interesting. So I take she’s the feisty type? She’s making you play to her whims after all.”
“She sure is. You’ve no idea. She can be this cute, innocent bunny or this wild tigress. Damn unpredictable but very sexy.” Just talking about her lightens my chest and brightens my mood.
“The way you describe her, makes me want to actually believe that you are indeed in love with her. It’s a hard reality for me to come to terms with. I have known you for three years now and I know that you can be a passionate man and an intense lover, but I had hoped for you to shower that love on your wife, who’s truly deserving of it.”
“Being in love.” I lift my head to meet his eyes. “Is it really such a bad thing?”
“Depends on who you’re in love with and at what stage of your life. Sometimes even if we love the right person, with time the relation can turn sour and become toxic. Too much of anything is bad, and that’s true even for love. So as a marriage counsellor, I would vouch that being madly in love is not always necessary to sustain a marriage as long as one finds peace and balance with their partner. But, I’ll also say this. If you were to be a bachelor at your age, I would actually be pushing you to get on your knees and slide the ring in Sara’s finger.”
“And here I thought nothing you say can surprise me anymore.” I shake my head at the irony of it all. “Finding love at forty-three still sounds surreal to me.”
“That’s why I want you to pay close attention to my words now. Not easy to hear, but you have to understand.” He removes his glasses and keeps it aside. “I’m worried about you, but you’re a grown up, matured man, who’s more or less settled in his life. But not Sara. She’s young and not nearly as mature as you, Nathan. She’s yet to grow, live life, fulfil her dreams and have her own share of experiences. I’m more worried about her. Her feelings for you, her nameless relation with you and her expectations of you, will ultimately act as shackles to her own growth. She loves you a lot, but as happy as she is now, there will come a time when she’ll cry for you and will drown in the pain that you would have left for her in.”
“I don’t want that!” I shout much to my surprise. “I don’t want to hurt her or see her in pain. I just can’t.”
“Your love will be the root of that pain. You won’t ever ditch your family and you’ll bring her to a position wherein even in your absence she won’t be able to forget you and move on. You can’t let that happen.”
“I understand that, but I never asked her to keep any expectations. I was always clear on that.”
“But you started to develop feelings for her. You didn’t hide it, neither did you prohibit her from falling for you. With that everything changes. Even your initial conditions won’t hold. Though she might never be vocal about it, she would have probably started to hope much to her own disbelief.”
“Fuck!” I exclaim, running my hand through my hair. “It’s all my fault and I have to correct it. Somehow. Anyhow. Even if it means I’ll have to crush my own heart a
s well as hers.”
“Don’t do anything hastily. Take your time and think things through but don’t just think about yourself, think about her too. Whom you’ll keep in the forefront is your choice to make. But your one standing decision is you’ll never give up on your family. Bear that in mind.”
So it’s all on me now? Is has to be. I was the one who initiated it and I should be the one to close the curtains on it too. Am I ready for it? I don’t think I’ll ever be.
Chapter 21
Sara
“What’s this meeting about, Nate? I’m pretty nervous. I’m not even aware of this new project.” It was only when I told him that I had to discuss about this meeting did he even agree to call. It’s been five days since our last phone conversation and yet again, I’m in the receiving end of his cold treatment. I don’t know what his deal is and after three attempts, I gave up on finding out. No matter how much I claim to know him, sometimes I can’t figure out what’s going on his head, especially when he doesn’t even try to talk and just ignores me without a damn explanation. So, after having experienced it the hard way, I’ve come to realize that it’s better to just let him be and wait for him to open it. That’s what I’m trying to do, but my patience is definitely snapping.
“Even I’m not much aware of it. He asked me to invite you and I did. It’ll be a conference call. So, any questions you have, you can ask him directly. I’ll be with him on the call, so no worries.”
“That’s so not the point,” I argue. “If I have more info, I can be more prepared. I did speak to him earlier and going by the way he spoke, it seemed like he was really interested in pulling me into it. And if that’s really the case, I want to show my interest and find out as much as I can prior to the meeting.”
“You don’t have to impress him. It’s no interview.” His voice is cold, devoid of any emotion. I’m really getting pissed at this Nathan. What’s his deal?
Enticed by you (Miraculous Love Book 1) Page 26