Now that I understand true love, I can feel the depth of her pain in an all new level. She really did love him and so did he, up until the point he realized that she had been lying to him about breaking up with her then boyfriend and current husband. Post finding out, he didn’t trust her enough to give her a second chance, but I don’t think he ever stopped loving her. Her pain is something she can only show and share with me. No one else knows and her husband doesn’t even stand her taking David’s name. In a way I’m glad that at least she has me by her side during these weak moments.
I take her in my arms and brush her tears with my hands. “Nate,” she sobs. “I love him so much.”
“I know,” I tell, pulling her close. “And he knew it too. He could never get himself to dislike or even forget you.” She continues to cry relentlessly. Kissinger her forehead, I band my arms around her waist. Pulling her closer, I hug her tight and rest my chin on her shoulder. Comfort is all I can offer her now.
It’s only when I lift my head and stare ahead that my gaze lands on Sara. She stands in front of my house, staring at the scene that’s unfolding in front of her eyes. To her or any other passerby we would look like a couple, unable to keep our hands off one another and very much in love. In this moment, I can just pray to the fucking lords that she doesn’t think the same. Sara is the only I’ve ever truly loved.
I don’t let go of Diana, who’s falling apart in my arms, unbeknownst to Sara, and instead plead her with my eyes to understand. It’s when the first tear drops down her cheeks that I know- I know that I’ve lose her and maybe for good this time.
She doesn’t wait even a second more and dashes inside. I don’t call out to her, stop her or go behind her. I’ve given her no reason to trust me. Never showed or told her just how much I love her. Never expressed just how much I value her and what she means to me. It’s better this way. Let her misunderstand me and call it off. I won’t accept or deny it. She’s free to think what she wishes. If falling in her eyes will make it easier for her to let go of me, then so be it.
Sara
I was stupid. Like really stupid and very sore and it was all thanks to Nate’s not so ‘gentle’ treatment yesterday night. He didn’t just fuck my body, but he totally fucked with my mind. He was as cold as he was warm. He had shut me out completely by just shoving me out of the house like that, but being stupid in love and remembering his earlier words, I had waited in the rain and when he returned to take me back, he was back to being the passionate and dominant lover that I had fallen for. It was hard to track his changing moods, but with his every thrust his love for me shined bright and flowed seamlessly between us. We fucked hard, rough and wild. I never even thought I had it in me to become such a vicious animal on bed, but Nathan brought it out of me and I realized it’s exactly what I always needed. And the orgasm that he delivered was so overwhelming that it actually wiped me out, totally draining me. I even vaguely remember him cuddling and sleeping beside me. It was perfect for us.
The morning though was completely unexpected. Not only had his mood done a complete one-eighty, but his guilt was hanging thick in the air, an indestructible wall between us. It was so thick and strong, like a noose waiting to strangle me, and him voicing his ‘mistake’ of the previous night made it all the more worse. Not that I couldn’t grasp his sadness and guilt over what had happened, but I wish he had thought about my feelings too. It was a big thing even for me and though I detested being the ‘other woman’ in his life, and ruining his relation with his wife, I believed that his love was worth it. I didn’t expect anything more from him. But before I could even convey my thoughts, he just stormed away and I got pissed. So, when Clay showed up out of nowhere, taking me by complete shock, I played along and feigned interest in him. Nathan was standing right there and I just wanted to piss him off. Make him realize just how hurt I was and how it feels to be stuck in such a situation. He did get worked up about it and left the house, leaving me in his son’s care. The moment he left, I hated myself for my stupid and immature actions. I wanted to apologize and make up for it, but Clay assuming I was hurt by Nathan’s words, started conversing with me to cheer me up. With him doting over me, I couldn’t even call Nate. Clay had a striking resemblance to his dad in looks but that’s where the similarities ended. He was nice, caring, sweet and also a flirt. A typical college student. At one stage in my life I was going gaga over guys likes him, but not anymore. I have my eyes set only on his dad and when he is there, his domineering presence blocks my vision of everything and everyone else.
It was only when Clay gets a call from his friend that I excuse myself, telling that I’ll go for a short walk. It’s still cloudy, but the sun does manage to peek from behind the clouds giving the much needed warmth. I now stand outside his house, waiting for Nathan to show up and catch him off guard like I caught him yesterday. I want to apologize, thank him for the night and profess my love one more time before taking my leave. It’s as simple as that. I won’t go about complicating his life.
It’s been just few minutes since I’ve come out, but my heart just knows when he’s around. It’s like the very wind is bowing to his majesty, informing me about his presence. Add to that, I can even hear his voice. I can’t make out what he’s saying, but its unmistakably his voice. I round the corner and come face to face with a reality that’s truly a sucker punch to my gut. What were the odds that I would find Nathan kissing and hugging Diana in broad daylight on the sidewalk just across his house? I’m in too much of a shock to think, process or even come to terms with what I’m witnessing. Is this for real? After fucking the daylights out of me just the previous night, he’s getting intimate with Diana the very next day? What the fuck is happening?
I keep staring at them, dumbfounded and rooted to the spot. Nathan lifts his head and sees me standing here as white as a ghost. Shock and fear passes over his face. His eyes grow frantic and he goes blank. He continues to stare at me, waiting for a response, maybe? But how the hell should a woman fallen deeply in love with a man who is in the arms of another woman right in front of her eyes even react? I’m bereft of logic now. Nothing makes any sense whatsoever. Had Nathan been lying to me all this while? How well do I truly know Nathan? Does he have something going on with Diana as well? She has always been professional with him and wasn’t even fond of him. She couldn’t stand him and now they are hugging in the public? Was that all a big lie? A façade to hide their true relationship? I feel sick. I want to get away from him and never turn back. I don’t want any more of his lies. Was I really that gullible? Was his love built only on lies just so he could fuck me?
I don’t even realize when I’ve started to cry. I just stand still, gazing into his eyes. They seem glassy from all the way here and so very expressive, but I don’t want to fall into his trap anymore. I can’t. I can’t just stand here and see this. No. I’m done fighting. I want to run away and that’s exactly what I do. I run far away from him, but ironically the only place I go to now is his house. What a sick joke this is. Even as I run, a part of me hopes for him to call me, stop me and provide an explanation, but he doesn’t and I don’t turn back either.
I rush inside, startling Clay who sits on the couch, still on his phone. Seeing my frantic state, he immediately keeps his phone aside. I take a seat beside him and he scoots next to me.
“Sara, what happened? You were fine when you left and now…”
I don’t know what to tell him, but I don’t really want to be alone now either. I want some company. It’s better than to be left alone with my thoughts.
“I saw my ex-boyfriend making out with some girl across the street. I hadn’t moved on, I didn’t think he had either. We were giving each other some space. That’s it.”
It’s half-truth and half -lie. Bryce is not the one in my thoughts and he hasn’t been for a while now, but it’s as close to the truth that I can give Clay.
“I feel betrayed and lied to.” I cry. “I wasn’t ready for it at all. It was a complete shock.”
“He’s such an ass,” he mutters under his breath and throws his arm around my shoulders. “Don’t cry over him. If he’s moving on, then in my eyes, it’s his loss. You’re the type for keeps, Sara. Believe me on this.”
But his dad doesn’t want to ‘keep’ me. He had his share of fun and now he just wants to throw me away.
“I don’t know whom and what to believe anymore. I’m just so lost.” He tucks me under his arms and I don’t even resist. “I’m sorry you’ve to see me in such a miserable state, Clay. I should just leave.”
“No, there’s still time for your flight. Don’t rush and it’s ok. I’m here for you.”
I wish it were Nathan instead. Why can’t he ever be there for me?
“Thanks,” I tell, sniffling and he hands me a tissue.
We stare at one another in silence. He looks at me with compassion written all over his face, while I try to search for his dad’s signature smirk. Another irony. This whole situation is awkward as hell.
“Hey, Sara,” he tells, edging closer and cupping my face. “Don’t cry. You deserve someone better. You’re awesome.” I nod my head and before I can get another word out, I feel his lips on me. They are soft and full. Slow and gentle. Just what I need in this moment. For moment or so, I try to forget who it is that’s kissing me and get carried away to a place of temporary pleasure and contentment. But when he sucks my bottom lip, coaxing me with his tongue, do I realize just how fucked up our actions are. I’m kissing Nate’s son. The son of the guy I’m in love with and fucked just yesterday. I try to pull away but before I can succeed, I hear Nathan’s lethal growl.
“What the fuck are you doing, Clay? Get off her.”
We pull back at the same time. I crane my neck to see Nathan fuming in anger. I’ve never seen this lethal look of his face before.
“Nate,” I try but he doesn’t let me finish. Yanking my arm with his one hand, he snatches my purse with the other and starts to pull me towards the door.
“Dad, please give her a break. It was me,” Clay insists.
“Just shut up,” he shouts and Clay goes silent.
I shoot him an apology as I am pulled outside. Nathan closes the door behind me and regards me with pure malice.
“Give me a chance to explain,” I argue, unperturbed by his attitude. My own anger that’s directed towards him is simmering just under the surface, waiting to boil over.
He gets in my face as the veins in his neck throb. “You fucked up big time, Sara. How could you even think of making out with my son after I fucked you the whole night? Have you completely lost it?”
I stand my ground and meet his glare. “Don’t put this on me. It was a timid mistake. It just happened out of the blue and I wasn’t even thinking straight. I was anyway about to put a stop to it.”
“Just stop it,” he seethes. “Stop making god damn excuses. I now know what you are scheming. I can even guess the dirty plans your mind is brewing. You can’t fool me anymore.”
“What are you saying?” My lips wobble as I slowly lose my fight. Is Nathan really doubting me now?
“Don’t cry and pretend that you’re some victim. Such sympathy ploy won’t work with me. You’re far from innocent, Sara Waters. All this is a god damn game for you. When you realized you won’t be getting anything more than sex from me, you targeted my son. And I must give you credit for switching men so fast. Wow. I’m very impressed.” Finally letting go of my arm, he slow claps. “A masterstroke indeed.”
I step away from the person who has now become a total stranger to me. My Nathan would never think so low of me and belittle me like this. This is bat-shit crazy. Do I even justify myself? Is it even worth it when he has already passed his judgement about my character?
“What exactly is it that you think I’m scheming? Why don’t you enlighten me about it?”
He grimaces and throws up his arms in fury. “You really think I bought your whole ‘I love you’? Why do you love me, Sara? No, rather, what is it that you love about me? Is it my money, looks, or has it got everything to do with how I can influence and boost your career? It can’t be just sex. No, you’re smarter than that. But whatever game you’re playing, it ends now. I’m done with you.”
I stagger back, almost losing my footing. The weight of his words and his betrayal is too much. They’re actually pulling me down. “This is ludicrous. You’re blaming me for deceit even after I saw you with Diana? What is it that you’re doing? Have you been cheating on me with her as well? You don’t get to talk when you’ve been back stabbing me the whole time! Tell me, Nathan. Is what I saw really true? What the fuck is going on between the both of you?”
“I don’t own you any answers. Think whatever the fuck you want to think, but just get the fuck away from here. I don’t want to see you anywhere near me or my son.”
“So you never actually loved me?” I ask in a defeated tone, my voice barely a whisper. Of all the things I could have probably told, blamed, shouted, demanded, I go for this question? Am I so desperate for his love that even after being shamed and accused of lying and deceiving him, I still crave to know the truth behind his feelings for me? Fuck me.
Digging his hand through his hair, he sneers. “Cut this bullshit. What we have can’t possibly be love. It it just a word we tossed around while we played this game. The curtains have already been pulled for the act. It’s high time we just let go, Sara.”
I’m so much in a shock that I don’t know how to react. My heart is being shred to smithereens while my brain is still trying to process whatever he is spewing at me. How could I have ever fallen for such a guy?
“And remember one thing. After everything that’s transpired, don’t expect me to come to your aid and support you in any way, especially in office. I honestly hate you in this moment and even if my anger comes down, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see you in a good light again. I’m really done with you.”
Now all I feel is fury. Loathing anger for the man whom I had once considered as my true soulmate. We were supposed to be star crossed loves. Turns out, we were meant to be enemies at the end of it all.
“I don’t care what light you see me in. You know why, Nathan?” With my back straight, shoulders locked and head held high, I step up to his face. “Because you don’t matter to me anymore. You’re no one to me. I don’t even want to hate you because you’re not even worthy of such a strong feeling. Hate me all you want. And, get this straight. I never needed your help, power or influence. I don’t want this job. I can never work for or with a guy like you. I’m done with you, your family and the company. Goodbye, Nathan Bankers. I hope to never see you again.”
I don’t give him time to respond. I turn around and trot away. This is not my walk of shame. No. This is me starting my new journey on a path that will be laid out by me and me alone. This is me walking away from that one man who was nothing but a bad influence and the biggest mistake of my life. This is my one last chance at redemption and also a new beginning.
As I step onto the road, it starts to rain. It’s a light drizzle just like yesterday. But within this short span of time, everything has changed. My whole world has been upturned. I came here with naïve hope and frivolous desires but I’m returning with a crushed heart and late realization of my stupidity. Life has thrown a very big curveball at me but this is not the end. I brave the rain and keep walking. I don’t turn around.
Epilogue
Nathan (After three years)
I unlock the door with my keys and step inside my haven. In the confines of this room, I can actually breathe free. It has nothing special to offer. Nothing out of the ordinary. But it has the only thing I have ever wanted, desired, and obsessed over, captured and frozen in a frame.
I flick the light, illuminating the only Canvas portrait hanging on the bare wall. Except for it, the room is devoid of any other artefact. But this one photo is more than enough to bring life into this dull and isolated place. The peaceful and satisfied smile on her face is eno
ugh to light up this whole room and also bring a smile on the only person who sets foot here- Me. This is all I have left of her. But this is more than enough for me.
I’ve always been a greedy man, never setting and confining myself to any limits. Whatever I liked, wanted, craved for, I strived for it and didn’t rest until I had it. But not anymore. Now, I just don’t care. The superficial and worldly stuff don’t matter anymore. Power, money, influence. They are secondary. In fact, I’ve had enough of them. After losing that one person who had brought true meaning to my life, showed me how to actually ‘live’ and had made me experience true joy, everything else seems pointless and worthless. I was always behind work, promotions, salary package, competition and what not? All materialistic stuff. But the happiness I used to derive from them comes nowhere close to the kind of contentment that I always sought, which I got just by her proximity. Just by her presence in my life. After letting her slip so easily from my fingers, I just stopped. Completely. It was a sudden break to the momentum that I had always practiced in life. There was nothing else that I wanted except for her – and it was something her absence taught me. It taught me just how weak I actually am – or just how strong I had been with her. After stopping, there was nothing else left. Everything became mundane. Boring. I zoned out. Rest of the world became non-existent. I just have one complaint against her – She taught me how to fall so hard and fast in love, but she failed to teach me how the fuck to move on and to survive without her. I tried real hard, but then I gave up on that struggle too. And every time I feel dejected, desperate and desolate, I come here. My only solace and all that I have left of her.
I approach the portrait with tentative steps. This was something I did without her consent and as guilty as I’m about it, I would take up the guilt again and again to not having this at all. It’s a photo of hers that I had clicked when she was fast asleep that night on my bed after I had fucked her for the first and last time. Not sure what made me do it then, but she looked so beautiful with that content smile on her face that I had to capture it. Her naked body is partly covered by the comforter, hidden under the covers. She looks thoroughly fucked with her hair scattered on the pillow, tint of blush on her face, and my name on her lips. My Sara looks ethereal. And this is the only picture of hers that I had not deleted. I couldn’t get myself to do it and I thank the lords for that. Rest all I used to delete immediately after viewing them with the fear of being caught. So stupid I was back then, but I don’t completely blame myself. I’m glad that I still retained this. It has proved to be a life saver.
Enticed by you (Miraculous Love Book 1) Page 32