six months of questioning himself about Todd’s sexuality had just got answered. His gaze clashed with Todd’s as Gabe squealed excitedly—how the hell did he have any energy
left?—and grabbed the shirt.
Adam ignored Gabe’s babbling and kept his eyes locked with Todd’s. There was an
interesting tic at the corner of Todd’s left eye, one that was set off by—what? Adam wondered. Anger? Jealousy? Did he suspect Adam was gay? Was Todd, really? Was he
closeted and screwing around with Gabe, was that why he looked pissed off? He’d walked in on Gabe topless and— Stop it, stop it, stop it! Adam tore his gaze away and felt heat crawling over his face. He needed to cut this shit out, stop looking for what he wanted but didn’t want at the same time.
“I’ll pass on the ride. Think I’m going to sleep here, keep an eye on Sparky.” Adam cleared his throat, irritated that his voice had dropped to that husky, fuck-me level. “I gotta go to the restroom. Y’all lock up on your way out, okay?”
Adam kept his eyes on an invisible target as he walked out of his office. He went into the restroom and hit the light and fan switches. He needed to back away from Gabe, keep a professional distance, because letting people close hurt, even as friends. Adam hadn’t heard from Jameson in ages, and that was an unexpected…betrayal. He couldn’t think of any other word for it. His texts, emails, phone calls—none of them had been returned. It fucking hurt, and he didn’t want to think about it, didn’t know why he was doing so anyways right now.
Adam turned on the sink and started scrubbing his hands and arms, then he washed his face. The hand soap was going to do a number on his skin, but he’d moisturise later. Adam concentrated on that, on superficial things like potential wrinkles and whether or not he’d dye his hair when he started going grey, anything but the empty ache inside him.
Or he tried to, but sometimes he was so lonely he hurt with it, like a physical pain that made him curl up and hold himself. His were the only arms he’d felt around him in months, his the only voice he’d heard that really knew him, and Adam sometimes felt he was
straining at the edges, ready to come unravelled because he wanted yet loathed to be alone.
No, what he wanted was to not be hurt, Adam thought. And, yet, Jameson, his best friend for most of his life, had just ditched him completely. What was it about him that made him unlovable? Adam wished he knew, and he wished to hell he was better at being a
hermit, a loner, whatever.
But he would get better at it, because he didn’t have a choice. His life now was here in this shitty little town. He had patients who needed to be cared for, clients he sometimes wanted to euthanise, and people who depended on him to help keep a certain asswipe sheriff from abusing strays.
Which brought him back to Todd and Gabe. Were they…? And, if they were, how was he going to deal with it?
“I’m not,” Adam muttered to himself as he slapped off the switches and pulled open
the door. “It’s not my…” He bit back a squeak when Todd stepped into the hallway.
“Problem?”
Todd didn’t know what he was going to do, but something was gnawing at him,
pushing him, hounding him. He’d walked into Adam’s office, needing to see the man just for a few minutes, and there’d been Gabe, all…all out-there gay and half undressed and looking sexy and vulnerable and happy and—
Todd had almost lost it. Almost. He’d bitten his cheek until he’d tasted blood to keep from saying anything. Gabe had seemed unaware, but Adam… Adam had looked back at
Todd with something akin to the way Todd was feeling inside. If Gabe had made a play for Adam, Todd was certain Adam had shot him down.
Then Adam had run off and Gabe had been oblivious, proof of Gabe’s exhaustion
because normally the man was sharp as the proverbial tack. But Gabe had about keeled over a few times, so maybe he’d suffered from lack of oxygen to the brain or something. Probably Todd shouldn’t have let Gabe drive himself home, but when Gabe had threatened to snap his head off his neck if he didn’t quit nagging him about it, Todd had shut up.
He hung around the clinic, just to make sure Adam was going to be okay. That was all.
And to check on Sparky, too, because, well, Adam had been in the restroom a long time, and Todd thought it’d be a good idea to check on the big ol’ dog and, afterwards, it was only the right thing to do, to let Adam know Sparky seemed okay, resting at least and still alive.
Except Todd thought he’d heard a sob.
Maybe he hadn’t, because he didn’t hear it again, but it’d…it’d hurt even thinking
Adam might be upset. Todd couldn’t leave then. He knew he’d seen a keen hunger in
Adam’s eyes earlier, knew Adam had seen the want roaring through him then too. They’d lied and denied by omission for months now, but maybe they didn’t have to.
The idea began percolating, growing stronger. Todd had thought about it before, but
coming out wasn’t an option, and he hadn’t been sure about Adam, but now… If Adam was gay, and if he wasn’t interested in letting anyone else in on that secret, then just maybe…
Maybe what, that remained to be seen, and Todd couldn’t quite get past the maybe to imagine anything else. His body was flushed, hot with need. He could feel sweat trickling down his back and beading his brow. Images of Adam, his eyes hungry and full of promise, were popping up in his mind, making Todd’s dick even harder than it already was.
He wondered if the sob he’d heard had been a different kind than one of pain or
sorrow. If it’d been one of relief. Todd couldn’t stand it anymore, he had to talk to Adam, see if they could figure something out. He stepped out of Adam’s office just as the bathroom door opened, and—
He couldn’t help himself. Years of longing, of denial and fear, snapped as Adam looked at him, confusion and want mingling in his expression. “Problem?”
No, no problem at all as far as Todd was concerned. He was beyond thinking about
consequences as he walked up to Adam. Todd met with no resistance from the man as he reached for Adam, no protests when he slowly lowered his head and brushed his lips over Adam’s. Instead, Adam moaned softly, his dark eyes closing as he grabbed onto Todd’s belt.
Adam’s lips parted, and Todd’s heart raced and shattered as he finally tasted the man who’d haunted his fantasies for months. He closed his eyes and just felt.
So soft. Adam’s lips were so soft against his. Todd shivered, more inside than out, he hoped, but he couldn’t tell. Then Adam sighed, and Todd parted his lips, a silent plea that Adam answered by deepening the kiss, his tongue stealing into Todd’s mouth. Todd
clenched his hands against the need to touch, then quit fighting it. He opened them and reached around Adam to press against his lower back.
He chased Adam’s tongue with his own as the kiss grew more intense, Adam tilting his head and sealing his mouth to Todd’s. Todd mimicked every flick, every twist and languid stroke. He wanted to keep kissing Adam forever, wanted—
What he wanted didn’t matter, did it? The thought was like a bucket of ice dumped on him and Todd opened his eyes and stumbled back, breaking the kiss. There was too much risk, to him, to Adam. He couldn’t do this. Adam’s expression quickly went from blissful to confused and Todd didn’t think he could handle seeing what emotion would come next.
Anger, hate, disgust? He turned and fled.
Chapter Seven
Since the invention of the kiss… Adam knew there was some line in a movie that addressed a magnificent kiss like that, but he couldn’t think of what it was, not even hours later after Todd had run out of the clinic like a pack of wolves was at his heels.
Adam sat on the floor beside Sparky’s kennel and touched his lips again, as he’d done several times since Todd had left. He’d been stunned at first by the kiss, because God in heaven as his witness, no one had ever, ever kissed him with so much hunger, so much need, so much�
��everything. Everything he had wanted and given up on, all his romantic fantasies the cynic in him had scoffed at, it’d all been right there, and for a few precious moments, he had felt it, experienced his longed-for dream of being the world to someone.
Then Todd had pulled back, ending the kiss. Adam would have been furious, crushed,
but how could he be when Todd had looked as if he were fixing to break into a million pieces? Todd had been hurting so much and Adam hadn’t seen it before then. It ripped at Adam’s insides, like a physical pain. Yet as much as he’d wanted to rail about Todd leaving like he had, the sob he’d heard as Todd turned and left killed off the anger and hurt feelings Adam would have still carried around.
Well, maybe not all the hurt feelings, Adam acknowledged to himself. He’d have liked to think he was irresistible, after all, but he wasn’t quite vain enough to pull it off. Still, he needed to think about what’d happened, and his own resolutions. Admittedly, as Jameson had pointed out before Adam’s move here, it had probably been really stupid to think he could spend the rest of his life alone. He was only thirty, not ancient by any means.
Sometimes, though, he felt older than Methuselah. Used up and empty, or at least he had felt that way. But Todd had changed that, even if Adam hadn’t realised it until he’d been kissed.
God, it reminded him of that sappy Disney movie. He closed his eyes and started a visual reel, narrated by his voice tinged with more breathiness than he’d ever exude.
And so, the sweet young prince fell into a deep sleep, so deep he appeared to have passed away.
(He tried the word ‘dead’ but it clashed with the whole Disney thing and singing birds in the background.) His friends… Scratch that… He slept on the cold stone floor until one day, a strong and handsome man searching for…searching, found the sweet young prince there.
Stunned by the prince’s beauty—
Adam laughed until his jaws hurt. Geez, he’d turned into such a chick. Not a bad thing, considering what a man-whore he used to be. It’d taken moving away, removing himself from the situations, rather, for Adam to figure out why he’d not valued himself more. That was what it’d been, he knew that now. He hadn’t liked himself, hadn’t loved himself for sure.
He didn’t want to think about the reasons why, either, but Jameson’s ditching him hadn’t helped. Honestly, Adam was surprised he hadn’t sought out temporary comfort—the kind that really was no comfort at all, just left him feeling sleazy and worthless.
“Don’t sit here and kick yourself now,” he muttered. It was all well and good to criticise oneself and work at improving, but dogging himself was a habit he’d been trying desperately to break. It had been negative thoughts that had driven him to be careless with himself.
Sparky whined and Adam groaned as he pushed up to his feet. The concrete was not
comfortable at all. At least Sparky had a nicely padded bed to lie on. Adam would grab one for himself after he checked Sparky over again. Then he’d sit back down and maybe drift off for a couple of hours, and dream about Todd’s kiss.
It took Todd almost half an hour to be able to drive away from the clinic—from Adam.
First he was shaking so bad he couldn’t even get in his vehicle, then he just couldn’t leave.
He wanted to go back inside and touch Adam, kiss him again and maybe talk to him. Todd was really afraid talking would be a mistake, though. What would he say? I’m gay, but don’t ever intend to come out of the closet ’cause my family’s violent and crazy and—
Besides, he’d never said the actual words out loud, not even to himself. Somehow he
just knew his parents would find out, would hear the words carried on the wind or
something, and he was truly scared of what would happen then. His father especially still bullied him, and Todd was as big as him, but his dad was stronger, physically, and the hold he had on Todd? That was much harder to escape than anything else.
But the more he sat there and thought about Adam, his deep brown eyes pleading, the
soft, wet feel of his lips giving beneath Todd’s, the way Adam had clung to him and whimpered… Todd thought he might be a stronger man than he’d ever expected to be.
Eventually, anyways.
He drove back to his place, running through different options in his head. If he could get Adam to agree to keep things discreet, just between them, that would be ideal. However, Todd knew secrets never really remained such, and he didn’t think Adam was the kind of man who’d take kindly to being hidden away. Then again, Adam hadn’t given off even a hint of his sexuality until tonight, so…
So Todd was still fucking confused, that was all there was to it, but he was determined not to ignore what was happening between him and Adam any longer. He couldn’t, even if he’d have wanted to. Adam called to him, and, after tasting him, Todd wasn’t going to be able to keep from doing it again.
He got back to his apartment and stumbled up the steps, and in short order he
collapsed onto his bed for a few hours. It sucked that he had to work but life was what it was.
He wouldn’t have not helped Sparky, or missed that kiss with Adam, for the world.
And the work day itself was more exciting than usual, that was for sure. Todd was out in the boonies because he’d got a call about a stray at old Mrs Shumaker’s place. Todd knew her—she was a snippety, judgemental, ornery woman, one of the people in town who’d
known about the abuse his father had heaped on him and commented once that Todd should behave himself if he didn’t want to ‘feel the rod’.
That hadn’t endeared her to Todd one bit.
He also knew Kaufman had heard the call, and the idea of sneaking another stray from under the jerk’s nose easily overrode Todd’s aversion to Mrs Shumaker. He pulled down the long drive, though, and it wasn’t a dog he saw once he got out and started looking. As soon as he saw the wounded black wolf lying by the barn, Todd started backing up even while he dialled Adam’s cell number. He wasn’t sure what was wrong with it, but the animal was bigger than he’d have expected a wolf to be. It’s fur was dull and grungy looking, like there was dried blood and God only knew what in it here and there. All in all, the wolf didn’t look good, and Todd wasn’t sure it could get up, but he didn’t want to find out the hard way and end up being mauled or whatever.
Adam answered after the first ring. “Hey, Todd, got another rescue?”
He sounded so casual, as if the kiss hadn’t turned him on his ear like it had Todd. Well, maybe it hadn’t—or maybe Adam was a really good actor. Todd intended to find out. “Yeah, there’s a wolf—”
“A what?” Adam asked, his voice hitching a bit.
“A wolf, and it looks pretty bad. Can you come?”
Adam huffed but Todd could hear him gathering stuff up in the background. “Yeah,
yeah, I can, but I’ve only ever dealt with cats and dogs and the occasional rodent. And a snake, once, but—” Adam made a clucking noise. “Oh, listen to me rattling on. Tell me where to go.”
Todd did, and added that Adam needed to hurry since Kaufman had likely heard about
the call. Next Todd called Gabe, who wasn’t as far away as Adam, then he couldn’t do anything else but wait for the others to arrive, and hope to hell they got there before Kaufman did.
When Gabe arrived, Todd waved him on back. Gabe parked close to where he was
standing. Todd noticed Gabe left the truck running, probably to take off in a hurry if he needed to. Gabe was smart like that.
“Look at him, Gabe. The poor thing’s barely alive.” At least it seemed so to Todd. The longer he’d stood there waiting, the worse off the wolf appeared to be to him.
Gabe walked around him and went right up to the wolf. Todd’s pulse shot up at that.
He’d been scared to get too close, but Gabe didn’t hesitate. Adam arrived shortly after that, and Todd tried not to eat the man up with his eyes. He was ashamed of the way he’d run off after the kiss, a
nd was more than a little hesitant to look Adam in the eye.
But Adam didn’t spare him a glance, his attention on Gabe and the wolf. Adam started scolding Gabe and Todd moved up to the front of the barn. He needed to keep an eye out for Kaufman, and anyway, if he stayed to close to Adam, he might beg the man to kiss him again. Adam would probably laugh at me if I did. Why would he want to kiss me after the way I acted?
Todd kept glancing back, unable not to steal glimpses of Adam while he had the
chance. Adam and Gabe were murmuring in low voices. Todd couldn’t make out the words, but the tones had an urgency to them that made him think the wolf was really bad off, and once or twice, he thought he detected anger in each of the other men’s voices. Todd itched to go back and listen, maybe see if he could redeem himself somehow to Adam. Just when he thought he was going to give in to the impulse, his radio squawked, startling him so badly he almost yelped. He listened to Kaufman barking out orders, then he turned and ran over to Adam and Gabe, his concerns now on them and the wolf rather than his messy personal
problems.
“Y’all need to hurry it up. Kaufman radioed to see what the holdup was here, and he
sounded suspicious. I wouldn’t put it past the fucker to come screaming down the drive any minute.” Todd nodded towards the wolf. “Think he’s going to be okay, Adam?”
Adam didn’t answer him, and Todd hoped that was because Adam was so focused on
the wolf, but he was afraid that wasn’t the case. He allowed himself one long, yearning look, then he jerked his gaze back towards the road as Gabe and Adam began to pick the wolf up.
Todd ran over and opened the rear passenger door for them. He stepped back, wishing
there was more he could do to help. He thought he heard the familiar roar of the cruiser Kaufman drove, and panic nipped at his spine.
“Let’s go!” he barked in a sharper tone than he’d intended, but fear for Gabe, Adam and the wolf’s safety began to pound in his veins. He shut the truck door and seconds later Gabe took off, with Adam following right behind him.
Resilience Page 4