There was nothing for it. He and Adam needed to talk, and they needed to do it soon. He was working himself up to do it tonight, to just go over to Adam’s place, knock on the door and lay everything out. All of his fears, his desires, what he hoped they could have—
Except his plans were shot right to hell when he saw his father’s car in the driveway.
Todd groaned. How could he have forgotten? It was Bible study night, which really meant it was yell and condemn Todd to hell night. The only time his old man cracked open the Bible was if he slammed it against some part of Todd’s anatomy.
Todd took a steadying breath. Normally he felt resigned to his father’s treatment of him, same as he did to his mother’s, but, tonight, he just… He didn’t want to be that person anymore. The one with no backbone. The one who was ashamed, so ashamed he didn’t want to cause a fuss and expose his dirty secret—that he was an adult fully grown and still abused.
No, Todd wanted it to stop. He wanted to not be afraid, and he wanted… Well, he wanted to deserve Adam. How could he do that when he couldn’t even stand up for himself?
He could stand up for Gabe, and for Adam, but what did it say about him, about what he thought of himself, that he kept letting this happen?
His father had a key to his place, given to him by Todd’s landlord, Mr Hanks. That was what he got for renting from a member of his father’s congregation. He shouldn’t have agreed to move here in the first place, should have stood up and—
“No, I’m not doing that.” Todd wouldn’t start with the should have, could have, would have crap, that never was good for anyone. He’d been weak, scared, conditioned even to be those things before, but now he was beginning to see that he didn’t have to tolerate being treated like he was vile.
He didn’t have to settle for borderline hatred when there were people in this world who might actually be capable of caring for him.
Tonight was the last night he was going to come home and find his father in his
apartment. Todd was going to ask for the key back, and tell his old man to leave. If that didn’t work, Todd would leave and return later to change his locks. He didn’t expect it to be a peaceful confrontation. In fact, he was pretty sure he was going to be hurting come morning, but he hoped, he hoped, he could hold onto his own anger without giving in to the same violence that drove his father. Todd wanted to make a stand, not become a cruel, abusive person.
After parking beside the other car so as not to block his old man in, Todd shut off the engine and got out of his vehicle. Todd forced himself to move, to walk to his own door. It wasn’t locked, and though it was always quiet when he got home, this time it seemed
unnervingly so. Todd went inside and shut the door. His father stood in the living room, a grim expression in place. The old, thick Bible Todd had felt bruising his skin was held in his father’s right hand.
“You missed church last week, every service. How does that look to people, when the
preacher’s own son can’t be bothered to show respect to God and family?” His father raised the Bible and thumbed the pages. Todd’s throat ached with the need to start stammering apologies, but he wouldn’t. Not anymore. “You have nothing to say, Todd? I’ve heard you’ve been disrespectful to Sheriff Kaufman.” He narrowed his eyes and Todd felt his look like a slap to his cheek. “And now, you’re carrying pride like it’s something that will save you. It won’t. The only thing that will save you is—”
“G-get out,” Todd rasped, pushing the words up past numb lips. “I want my key back. I want you to leave…l-leave me alone.” He managed enough saliva to swallow and at the
same time felt sweat bead his brow and his palms turn clammy. Fear gnawed at his gut but Todd refused to give in to it. “You can’t k-keep showing up and hitting me when you feel like it. I’m a grown man—”
“You’re my son,” his father snapped, striding up to him. Todd’s insides went cold at the look on his father’s face. He’d never seen him so angry. “You’re mine and if you can’t be good for anything else, you will at least not embarrass me!”
Todd couldn’t stop himself from taking a half-step back. He realised his mistake
immediately. Now he was up against the door, with nowhere to run. But I shouldn’t have to run, not in my own home. Not ever, not from him.
“I want you to leave,” he repeated, voice dry and breaking. “Give me back my key, and don’t come here anymore. I want—”
“I don’t care one whit about what you want, boy,” his father growled. “You will show me respect!”
Todd threw his arm up as soon as he saw the glint in his father’s eyes that was so
familiar to him. Still, the impact of the Bible slamming against his forearm hurt, but not as bad as the fist his father pummeled his ribs with. Todd coughed, his breath bursting up from his lungs. Another punch to his stomach and he groaned, hunching in on himself, trying to cover as much of his body as he could.
“Leave,” he rasped every chance he got.
His father only hit him harder, no more accusations, his judgement solely meted out
with his fists.
Todd had the sickening thought of what Adam would do if he saw him now, cowering
like a kicked dog. Was that what he was? Todd grunted and the next hit pissed him off more than it hurt.
“Stop it,” he growled, slapping at his father’s hands. “Stop! No more!” Todd yelled it again, louder, angrier. Anger turned to fury and Todd bellowed as he shoved his father away. The urge to give back a taste of the pain he’d experienced, was experiencing now, was almost irresistible. Todd shook with it, but he curled his hands into fists and kept them planted by his side as his father panted and glared at him.
“You touch me again, and I ain’t holding back. You want respect, this is the only time you’re getting it.” Todd moved over enough to grab the door knob. “You can walk out of here or I can drag you out, but either way, you’re leaving, right now.”
“You try laying one hand on me—”
“And what?” Todd yelled, getting a small thrill from the way his father’s eyes widened in surprise. “You gonna call the cops? Go ahead. I don’t even care anymore. You know why?” Todd didn’t give his old man a second to answer. “Because I finally figured out, there is nothing I can do to make you or Mother happy. Y’all will always find a reason to abuse me.”
“Abuse?” his father sneered. “Lies fall off your tongue too easy, boy. You’ve only ever gotten what you had coming.” He came a little closer but Todd noticed his hand shook when he raised it to point at him. “You’ve deserved every mark we’ve left on you!”
As his father stood shouting at him, spittle flying with every word, Todd’s own anger melted away. There was no reasoning with the man, Todd knew that as surely as he knew his own name. It was time for this to end.
“You need to leave,” he repeated, this time calmly. His side throbbed, his arm, too, and there were a half-dozen other places he’d be bruised and tender tomorrow. He wanted to go and take a long bath and pop a few pain pills. “I want my key. If you won’t return it, I’ll change the locks or move. I don’t want you here ever again.”
His father looked like he was on the verge of having a stroke, his face almost purpling with his rage. Todd made very sure to remain unaffected by that, at least on the outside.
Inside he was quivery and scared, but knew this was the right thing to do.
“Don’t come here, don’t drive by, don’t contact me at work, either. Until you can treat me with respect—” His father scowled, and for some stupid reason, that hurt as much as one of his fists did. Todd didn’t even wince, though. “And if you can’t ever do that, then I guess we’re done. I won’t be what you want anymore, and I have been, no matter what you say.
You wanted a whipping boy. Well, I’m not a boy now, and if you raise your fists to me again, you’ll find out just what it feels like to be beaten until you can hardly walk.”
; “You wouldn’t dare to touch me,” his father seethed, “I’m your father and you have to respect me!”
Todd shook his head and opened the door. “You’re nothing more to me than someone
who has hurt me too many times. Leave the key on your way out.”
“You’ll regret this. You’ll burn in Hell and your time here on Earth will be cursed And—”
“Get out.” Todd was done. He stood up as straight as he could considering his ribs hurt like hellfire. He didn’t flinch or look away from his old man’s face, watching the shock and rage there. For a man of God, his father sure had a lot of meanness in him. “My key, please.”
That please about killed him, but Todd was determined not to be a petty, hateful person.
His father took the key off his key ring and threw it at Todd, hitting him in the neck.
“You are nothing to me. Nothing!”
That was better than being a punching bag, a victim, Todd figured, so he nodded. His father shouldered by him, deliberately slamming into him. Todd had given him plenty of room to get by. Rather than let it get to him, he told himself that was the last time he’d have to put up with such treatment—even though he hadn’t exactly put up with it this time. At least it was over, and Todd’s relief helped ease the knowledge that he’d lost what family he’d had.
He didn’t watch his father get in his car or drive off. Instead he locked the door then went and ran the hottest water he could stand. A few ibuprofen and a bottle of water, and Todd was suddenly so tired he could hardly stand. Tired, and sore, and he knew probably more than a little messed up in his head by what had just happened. It’d hit him later, surely.
Or maybe not. Really, what had he lost? Had there been any love from his parents, any kindness he was going to miss? None came to mind, and Todd quit thinking about it. He had bruises coming up already, and he was hurting. He needed to soak then he was going to sleep until he had to get up for work. Dinner wasn’t a necessity, but the respite he hoped to find in sleep, the dreams of Adam he wanted to have, just the hope for those were as necessary to him right then as breathing.
Chapter Twelve
Adam whistled as he locked up the clinic. He’d been busy as hell lately, and he’d been a jerk. Seeing Todd today had been like a kick in the balls. It’d hurt clear up to the top of his head, and he’d felt queasy, jittery with nerves, but he thought he’d covered it well. Maybe too well, because Todd had looked hurt.
Petty shit that he could be, Adam had felt a quick surge of happiness, knowing he
wasn’t the only miserable one. Then he’d felt like the complete and total asshole he was being. He’d wanted Todd to call him, to make the next move. What an idiot. He knew Todd wasn’t experienced, probably in any kind of relationship. Adam’s pride had caused him more trouble…
“Aw, fuck it.” He gave up on the whistling; it wasn’t making him feel any better no
matter how happy the tune. He had to make things right with Todd, like, now. God, Jameson, where the fuck are you when I need advice? Adam still hadn’t heard a word from his friend, and he could really, really use some guidance right now. Grovelling had never been his strong suit, and he had a feeling he needed to grovel. Adam hated that he’d been so stupid, so stubborn. There were so many things he didn’t like about himself, but he was working on them, and he thought he was making progress.
But this wasn’t about him, not right now at least. It was about how he’d put the burden of their budding relationship on Todd’s shoulders. He didn’t have to dig deep to figure out he was scared of a relationship—scared of failing, scared of being hurt, scared of Todd really getting to know him and hating him, because Adam wasn’t the best or easiest person in the world.
“Everyone has faults.” Adam huffed and glared at the ceiling. “Fine. That sounds like an excuse. But constantly dogging myself isn’t going to help either!” God, where was the line between being properly remorseful and pathetic? He had the feeling he was crossing over it.
This self-examination thing is fucking hard. Adam walked to his car. He needed to quit whining to himself about himself. He’d screwed up, yes, but he was going to fix it. That was the way to handle it, not examining it all to death. Go to Todd, tell him he’d fucked up because he was a chicken shit, and leave it up to Todd if he wanted to mess with someone like Adam or not. He had the feeling Todd was seeing him through rose-coloured glasses, so he probably needed to point out his major flaws.
Or did he? Maybe he shouldn’t, because he had some damn good qualities, too. What
he and Todd needed was time to get to know each other. Which didn’t preclude sex, he was quick to tell himself.
Adam felt marginally better as he drove towards Todd’s place. He wouldn’t park out
front. There was the local Super S right down the street—he’d park there and walk to Todd’s.
Since it was just about dark, he hoped no one would notice him.
Adam parked in the lot and stripped off his white lab coat. He smelt like dogs and
chemicals from scrubbing his hands clean, but there wasn’t much he could do about it now.
To go home even just to shower would feel like an act of cowardice.
He got out and locked the car. It was almost dark. Adam leaned against the door and
waited a few minutes, letting the sun set more and wondering if he should call Todd first.
Probably not, because, if Todd was mad, it’d be harder for him to turn Adam away in person than on the phone.
Adam finally headed out, feeling as if he was being watched, but, since no one was
around, he figured he was being paranoid. But maybe he should have just driven. That’d have seemed less suspicious than if someone saw him park, wait until dark, then set off.
Adam added ‘moron’ to his self-recrimination list. Obviously stealth wasn’t his thing.
Todd’s vehicle was there, so Adam went on up to his door and knocked. And knocked.
Then pounded, because he just knew Todd was in there, his skin was prickling with an awareness that set his nerves on end.
“Todd, open the door!” Adam was going to beat on the damn door all night if he had
to. Todd’s neighbours might not like it but that was just tough. “I know you’re home, so—”
He heard a chain slide and the deadbolt unlock. “Thank God,” Adam muttered as the door opened. “I thought—shit!” Adam’s stomach flipped and rolled and tried its best to climb right up his throat.
“What the hell did he do to you?” Adam growled as he came in and slammed the door.
Todd’s torso was littered with new bruises and some gashes that Adam thought probably could use a few stitches. “I’m gonna kill him.” Maybe even literally, Adam was so pissed off.
No, no, no. No murdering anyone even if they fucking deserve it!
“I’m sorry,” Todd said miserably. “I made you mad, I made him mad—”
Adam shook his head. His eyes were burning and he swiped at them. Now wasn’t the
time for him to be a wuss. “I’m mad at myself, Todd. I’ve been a total idiot, all because I’m scared. You really deserve better than me.”
“No.” Todd took Adam’s arm and drew him close. “I don’t. But I’m trying to be good
enough for you, Adam. That was the only thing that kept me from hurting my old man when he went nuts on me.”
Adam stiffened and dug in his heels, not letting Todd hug him. He glared at Todd, so angry at Todd’s dad he wanted to spit. “You can’t let him keep hitting you, Todd! He’s insane, sick, he’s… He’s—” Adam couldn’t even find the words, not when they were all clogging up his throat, damn near choking him.
Todd tugged and Adam found himself fitted neatly to his side. “He won’t be doing it
anymore, Adam.” He lifted Adam’s chin, and the quiet strength he saw there in Todd’s eyes was one of the most beautiful sights ever, as far as Adam was concerned. “I stood up to him today, which w
as why he went so far off the handle. I had to… I had to finally pin him up against the wall and tell him to stop. I-I was a-afraid he was gonna k-kill me when I told him he couldn’t treat me like a punching bag anymore.”
“Oh, Todd.” Adam sighed, his heart breaking in a way that had nothing to do with him other than it hurt seeing Todd so battered, but it hurt even more thinking about him being scared, afraid he was going to be killed. Adam traced one of the livid bruises, then pressed a kiss above an inch-long cut on Todd’s chest. “What’d he do here?”
Todd looked down and touched the spot. “Something he had in either the Bible he was
using or in his hand. Maybe his wedding ring, I don’t know. Looks worse than it is.”
Adam checked it out. The wound wasn’t as deep as he’d first thought, although Todd
was pretty battered. “I swear, Todd, I will kick his ass if he comes near you again.”
Todd’s bottom lip quivered for a second then he stood straighter and smiled, a tenuous tip-up of one side of his mouth. “I don’t think he will. His parting shot was I was dead to him, like some bad movie line and all that. I didn’t know whether to laugh or…” Todd sighed. “I cried a little, after. I wish I could say it was all from relief, and maybe it mostly was, but it hurts, you know, knowing he and my mom never loved me. They wouldn’t have been like they were to me if they had. Took me long enough to realise it.”
Adam wanted to hug Todd, but he was afraid of causing him more pain so he settled
for easing an arm around his waist. “Every child wants their parents’ love. It’s only natural, but, yeah, sometimes you just have to let them go.” He avoided Todd’s scrutinising gaze.
“Now, looks like you cleaned yourself up pretty good, but I want to check over these places.”
“Okay.” Todd was silent after that as Adam examined him. When he was finished, he
could see how exhausted Todd was. Adam wanted to talk to Todd and spend some time
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