by S. L. Scott
“Why would they do that?”
“Because they didn’t want to know the truth. The truth is damaging and drives people away. It’s better to live in the lies.”
“That’s not true.” He got frustrated, yanking her to a standstill. “Is that why you haven’t told me before? You thought you’d drive me away?”
“We have… oh, I don’t know anymore, Hazel. Things feel too easy for us.”
“Nothing is easy for us. We meet for an hour each day and then a few on the weekends. We’re pretending this is normal. It’s not. What happened to the week we had? What happened to spending time together in private?” Taylor surprised himself. Pent-up feelings were unstoppable now. “Why can’t I come to your house? Why can’t I pick you up for a date? Why can’t we have sex again? When you say it feels too easy, there is nothing that feels easy to me when it comes to you. But I’m here. I’m willing to do this how you want because when I meet you, it’s the best hour of my day.”
Jude hadn’t realized how affected he was by the change in their relationship. She should have, but she knew so much more than him and never wanted that to taint their time. “I’m selfish, but your mere presence is comforting to me.”
“Because you don’t have to live in the lies with me.”
Smiling, trying to distract him, she said, “So that’s why this feels so good.”
He didn’t return the smile, still caught up in the details. “Why did you try to kill yourself?”
Anxious, Jude looked around to make sure no one was listening to their conversation. “We don’t even have to talk. You just let me be and you give me security,” she confessed.
Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he said, “Don’t shut this down.” Taking her hand, he took her outside to the busy street where no one cared about them. “I need more. Please.”
Offhandedly, she said, “My uncle, the one who died, Isla’s father, he… he did things to me. He touched me in ways that no one should touch you without your permission. There it is, Hazel.”
Jude heard the harsh breath he sucked in when he backed them to the nearest wall. He felt like shit for being so hard on her. “I’m sorry, Jude.”
“So am I.”
“What do you mean your family doesn’t believe you?”
She angled away and hugged her body, closing herself off. “I didn’t encourage him. I swear I didn’t.”
“Oh God, Jude.” Standing behind her, he rubbed her shoulders. “Of course you didn’t. I believe you. I’m sorry if you thought I meant—”
Looking over her shoulder at him, she asked, “You do?”
“Do what?”
“Believe me? You believe me?”
“What? Of course I believe you.”
“Why?”
The relief she was seeking came quickly. “Who would ask for that to happen?”
Shaking her head, she lowered it. “I asked him to stop, but he said he would tell my parents that I had instigated it. I should have let him tell. Maybe things would be different now.”
Strong arms embraced her and she slid into his warmth, into his love. With her head against him, she listened to his steady heartbeat. He kissed the top of her head, and asked, “You thought killing yourself was the only way out?”
“I was dirty. I couldn’t get clean enough. He made me feel dirty. I was sixteen and excited about finally being able to date, to hang out with my friends, to get my independence, and he stole all of those dreams, those rights from me. He stole my innocence before I had a chance to give it away.”
He rubbed her back, but didn’t say anything.
She said, “We had a family celebration that night on my birthday. He came into my bedroom later when I was changing into my pajamas. He told me not to say anything. When I tried to leave, he slapped me, and filled my head with threats of how he would hurt me, hurt my brother, and destroy my family. And I believed him.” With tears in her eyes, she looked up at Hazel. “I believed him.”
“You’re not at fault. Do you hear me?” Taylor was mad, infuriated. “I don’t know what they’ve done to you since, but they’ve fucked with your head. You’re not to blame, Jude. He was a psycho pedophile.”
Her throat staggered over a deep breath, and she said, “Every time they would visit, he would get more aggressive. I knew what was coming next. I knew he would rape me. I watched him over dinner. I saw how much he was drinking. I saw him watching me, how he looked at me. I knew.”
Taylor looked around, not wanting this to play out on a dirty city street. “Let’s go around the corner.” She walked, her head against his bicep with his arm around her. They rounded the corner to a tree-lined street and went to a stoop and sat. He sat one step down and looked up at her. “What happened?”
She spoke as if she couldn’t wait to get it off her chest and out of her heart. “I stopped talking to my brother. I ignored the friends I had. I had nightmares of him sneaking in and… I felt ashamed of what I looked like. My breasts had to be to blame. They were tempting him. I was responsible for him doing that. If only I didn’t look like this things would have been different.”
His heart hurt so badly that he didn’t want to speak. He couldn’t say anything that would help her, or heal her. Instead of words, he held her, hoping that would suffice.
“I went to my parents’ medicine cabinet and took twenty-eight pills from two different prescriptions. I didn’t even know what they were. I just knew I didn’t want to exist anymore.” Her shoulders hunched down, her body closed in on itself. “When I woke up at the hospital a day later they were so happy to see me.” She laughed humorlessly. “And then my parents told me I owed my life to my uncle since he was the one who found me.” She let that hang in the air between them.
It was clear what happened, but Taylor still voiced it. “That bastard found you because he had come into your room to violate you.”
With a grin, she said sarcastically, “But I now owed my life to him. Oh the irony.”
“If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him.”
Jude had never heard that tone from her Hazel. He had always been kind even when he’d been angry with her that night at the Stevens’s. So when he said that, she believed him. “My brother walked into my bedroom one night to show me his acceptance letter to NYU. It was his dream school. He wanted to be a movie director. He was always filming us when we were younger. He made some amazing short films in high school and even won an award for one.”
“Jude?”
She had disappeared into memories for a minute, but was back, and exhaled. “He saw me pinned. My uncle had his hand over my mouth…”
“You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to.”
“My brother walked in and saw my uncle touching himself over my body while I cried.”
Taylor stood up, not able to sit still. She watched him, as if the fury couldn’t be contained. He kept his back to her as he paced. Then, he turned around and squatted down with his head bent forward. She expected to see sympathy.
She expected that.
But she got anger, eyes that blazed in a way that almost scared her—almost. Looking at her watch, she wanted to calm him, to comfort him. “Time’s up for today, Dr. Barrett.”
“Don’t make jokes.” He was serious.
She smiled, attempting to laugh, but unable to. “Jokes are exactly what we need. Know any?”
Rolling his head to the side, he shook it. “I’m fresh out.”
Trying to downplay the whole thing, she said, “That’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. You can make me laugh then.”
“I’m not leaving you. I can’t, knowing this.”
They both stood up. She then went to him and wrapped her arms around his middle to give him the comfort he always gave her so effortlessly. “But I can’t stay.” She looked up, and gave what she thought was a reassuring smile. “I’ll be okay. I just need to go. Like you do before you’re even later.”
“What can I do for you, Jude? Tell
me and I’ll do it.”
“You’re doing it already.”
VALENTINE’S DAY FELL on a regular Thursday. Hazel showed up to the park a few minutes late. Jude wasn’t worried, but she hated they didn’t have more time. When she looked up from her book, he stood there with a pink rose in his hand, and she said, “I didn’t think we would do gifts.”
He waggled his eyebrows. “It reminded me of you. Anyway, it didn’t cost much so don’t worry about it.”
As she took it from him, he sat down. With the flower to her nose, she closed her eyes and smelled. “Thank you.”
“This reminded me of you, too.” He held out a small box.
She knew it was jewelry just from the square shape of it. “No, I can’t take that.” She bit her lip and glanced between the box and him.
“Yes, you can, Jude. I bought it. You take. You open it. You say how much you love it and then you wear it. See? It’s that easy.”
A smile finally surfaced. “I used to love surprises.”
“Maybe you’ll like this one then.”
Bumping him with her elbow, she laughed. “Maybe. Guess we’ll see,” she teased. She had no doubt she would love it. It was from him, so that was already guaranteed, but she also had no idea what it would be.
Taking the small box in hand, she lifted the top and pulled out the little velvet box. Her breath stopped when she lifted the hinged lid and saw a ring.
“I know it’s presumptuous to give you a ring, or maybe a terrible idea that I had one late night when I was lying in bed alone when all I wanted was to be lying there with you. But I liked it and…” His eyes met hers. “I hope you’ll keep it, even if you don’t wear it.”
She took the delicate band of diamonds from the case and held it between her fingers. “Hazel, I can’t keep this.”
“There’s a necklace. One you can wear it on so no one knows, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
A million thoughts ran through her head, pros and cons of a gift of this magnitude, of this sentiment. But looking at him and then at the ring, the answer was obvious. Her heart spoke through racing heartbeats straight to his, and she slipped it on her finger.
He admired it on her. “A perfect fit.”
Yes, you are, my love, she wanted to say, but didn’t. For now.
Turning to him, she placed her hands on his face and kissed him. As their lips came together, winter took its last walk around the park and spring had announced its arrival through a warm breeze. When she looked at him, the cold had returned, but her body stayed warm cloaked in his love.
Jude leaned her head on his shoulder, and stared out. “Thank you.”
He nodded. “You’re welcome.”
When she sat up again, she said, “Hazel?”
“Yes?”
“My family can’t know about us. They’d never let us be.”
“You’re twenty-two, Jude, not twelve. They can’t stop me from seeing you.”
“They can.” She stared down at the sparkling ring wrapped around her finger, much like he had her wrapped around his. He just didn’t know it yet. “They think I’m crazy.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been in and out of an asylum they call a recovery center at least fourteen times over the last two years.”
He sat up, concerned. “Why?”
“Because they hold a court order that says the hospital can evaluate me at any time. My stepfather tells them when I do anything wrong and then they decide if they come take me away.”
“What are you talking about, Jude?” He sat up, needing the full story, trying to understand. “You’re not crazy.”
“I’m not. I swear to you. I’m not, but they treat me like I am.”
That line she always noticed when he asked questions appeared, deeper than usual this time. “Where do they send you?”
“Bleekman’s. It’s a terrible place. They try to turn people crazy so they can collect the money from wealthy families. I see it. I know what they’re up to. It’s a private facility. The drugs, the… doctors.”
He noticed her hands shaking as much as her voice. Unable to face his fears, he looked away when he asked, “What do they do to you? Tell me.”
“Not today. It’s been such a beautiful day.” She held her ring out again and smiled. “If I don’t wear it on my finger, I’ll wear it close to my heart. Always.”
Clasping her ringed hand between both of his, he looked her in the eyes. “Jude, I need you to tell me what they do to you.”
The spark left her eyes and a haze replaced it. She struggled to keep eye contact and tried to pull her hand away, but he wouldn’t let go. He leveled his eyes on hers and though she knew she could trust him, she could see his anger building before she even spoke. Taking her free hand, she touched his wrist and stole an ounce of his strength before saying, “They force me to take drugs that numb me, numb my mind and body. Then I get locked in a room with a window that has bars and peeling paint. I actually feel safe in there, in the isolation. Until the door is opened in the middle of the day, after lunch at twelve fifteen like clockwork, and the doctor does a check-up.”
He swallowed down the will to suppress this conversation and asked what he wasn’t sure he was prepared to have answered. “What’s involved in the check-up?”
“Let’s just say the abuse didn’t end with my uncle’s death.” She got up, book and box in hand, and took the path toward the street.
“Be honest with me. Is that the reason you don’t want to go to my apartment? You don’t want to be intimate with me?”
“I don’t go to your apartment because if I don’t return home, I go to Bleekman’s.”
He sat there, feeling like he’d been punched in the gut. Today’s information hit him hard. This girl he was falling in love with was wearing a ring he’d just given her and yet, he wasn’t protecting her like he should. How did he not know any of this before now? He tried to control his anger, but that wasn’t going to happen. “You’re not going back to Bleekman’s,” he shouted.
He followed her. She turned around when he got close, and said, “Don’t you see how much I love you, Hazel?”
Love was in the air, in her heart, and filled his, but her forthright declaration surprised him.
Through the cleansing of the darkness, she was looking at him bathed in light. The spark returned to her eyes when he neared and his hands went around her waist. He lifted her up, eye level with him, and kissed her. When he set her down, he said, “I love you more.”
With a teasing smile, she said, “You said your gifts didn’t cost much.”
“It’s only money, Jude. Money doesn’t matter. Love does.”
Jude started opening up after that. The stories were hard to hear, but he would listen, would ask questions, and would comfort her the best he could. He just wished he could open up as easily. Telling her about his illness seemed like a daunting burden he didn’t want to place on her. She had enough to deal with.
In late February, they were waiting in line, a coffee for him and hot chocolate for her, outside his work on his lunch hour, when she said, “You would have liked my brother Ryan.”
He tried not to make a big deal when she offered these insights into her life up, but it was hard to just wait to see what she would say. “Was he like you?”
“No. He was strong.”
“I think you’re strong.”
“You say that because you don’t see me but for a few hours each day.”
“I say that because you’ve survived and still have the ability to make others smile.” He smiles and points at it.
That made her laugh. He loved hearing her laugh. She laughed quite often with him and it made him wonder if she laughed when they were apart. “Tell me more about Ryan.”
“Ryan was a lot like you—handsome and smart.” She rolled her eyes. “Girls were all over him all the time. It was quite annoying actually. He was two years older than me and would have done great things in life, if
given the chance.”
Sensitive to the subject, he whispered, “How did he die?”
“He didn’t have a fitting death for the life he led.” They moved up in line. “He was hit crossing the street here in the city. Two cars racing. In Manhattan. It would have never ended well. Someone was destined to die. I just wish it wouldn’t have been my brother.”
“Me too.” Taylor put his arm around her shoulders and they ordered their drinks. When they walked away, the moment had passed, and Jude was onto another topic. Each time she shared a little more of herself, of the life she hid from him, he started to feel he understood why she kept them hidden.
Mid-March. On a Saturday that couldn’t decide if it was winter or spring, Jude felt very much that she and Hazel were star-crossed lovers. One day felt like perfection, the next complications from their secret affair overshadowed their day. Despite the mixture of emotions, she stopped when she found they were walking by The Plaza Hotel. People were coming and going, rushing past them as she stood there, looking up into hazel eyes that adored her. “We should go in.”
It wasn’t a suggestion and he took full advantage of the offer. “How much longer do we have?”
“Two hours left.”
He didn’t run, but he might have rushed the doors and up to the registration desk. “One room please.”
The woman behind the counter glanced to Jude and then to Taylor, for whom she smiled. “Certainly. One room for the night. Check-out is eleven in the morning.”
The plastic of his credit card slapped against the counter, and he replied, “That will work.”
Taking the card in hand, she looked at the name and up to him. “Very well, Mr. Barrett. No luggage?”
“Nope. Spur-of-the-moment trip,” he said, smiling.
Jude lifted up on her toes and whispered, “Are you sure?”
“Never more so.”
Looking around the lobby, she knew it was time, so with her back to the desk, she said, “I want to have you over for dinner with my family.”
“Really?” he asked, shocked.
“I’ll tell my parents about us tonight.”
“Do you want me there?”
“No,” she replied, coyly. “I should break it to them first. I’ll have to explain when I’ve been seeing you. I haven’t been telling them the full truth. I tell them where I go, but I don’t tell them who I’m with, so I don’t know how they’ll react.”