He lowered his forehead to hers, much as he’d watched her do with Marissa. But damn if the thoughts and feelings running through him had anything to do with her maternal behavior. At least she’d gone still rather than tempt him. He felt a trickle of sweat slide down his back.
“Has there been anyone else, Kendall?”
She went board-stiff in his arms. “It’s really none of your business.”
He wanted to argue that learning about Marissa made it his business, that he didn’t like the thought of his daughter having other men in her life. Since he wasn’t sure what his future involved, it felt wrong to ask for more than he could give in return.
“You’re right,” he admitted, although it did nothing to diminish this unexpected desire he felt for her.
“Why did you ask then?” she demanded, shoving at his chest. “Did you think you could come back home, learn about Marissa, kiss me, and I’d invite you into my bed?”
She shoved his chest again, this time succeeding in breaking them apart. A lightning burst of heat flared in her eyes. “Just because there’s been no one else since that night with you doesn’t mean I’ll jump into bed with you if you snap your fingers.”
“I didn’t snap my fingers,” he said, pleased temper had pushed her to give him the answer he didn’t deserve. “I may have kissed you first, Kendall, but you didn’t back away.”
“It won’t happen again.”
He nearly smiled. Instead he lifted his hands and curved them around her face. “Want to bet?”
For a long moment he thought she would dare him. It would be so like her. For that same moment he wished she would. So he’d have the pleasure of making his point. Then, he felt the tension slide off her, felt the breath stutter in her lungs as she shook her head in what amounted to a silent admission of their attraction.
“I have no idea where this is going, Kendall. God knows it’s not what I expected, and it damn sure complicates what is already a complicated time in my life.”
“And you think this is easy for me?” she asked.
Her eyes welled with tears, filling him with guilt for pushing the issue. And yet he couldn’t seem to stop.
“Do you think it’s been easy for me the past four years?” she continued. “When every day I look at our daughter and remember that night? When I look at her with wonder and worry about whether or not you’d come back safe and whole. When she asks me why her father doesn’t live with us and questions if it’s her fault?” She jerked away from him, turned her back. The harsh laugh that followed dug deeper than the tears.
“I thought after all this time I’d know what to say to you. Complicated,” she whispered. “You have no idea how you coming back has complicated my life. I can’t do this anymore tonight. I won’t do it.”
She drew in a breath, wiped her hands over her face, turned back to him. Her eyes were clear and dry. Still he saw burdens of the past losing to the shadows of fatigue, to worries of the future.
“I’m asking you to leave now, Logan.”
Chapter Four
“WHAT ARE YOU going to do?” Audra asked.
“I have no earthly idea.”
Kendall wanted to scream that she didn’t want to talk about Logan, but knew that wasn’t fair. First, she always made an effort to temper her tone when talking with Audra, knowing that anything else would result in that glazed look coming into her eyes. Second, Kendall wanted a little peace and quiet before Marissa woke and she had to handle questions or pleas to go see the horses. Third, she’d been completely honest that she had no clue what to do about Logan and the surprising turn of events last night.
Five years earlier, she’d been a young girl whose heart had been filled with a love straining to be set free. She’d have taken that lovely kiss and held it close. Now she was an adult, a mother, and a cop, with responsibilities and the reality of life. She couldn’t afford to tempt her fragile heart with anything as vague as a hoped-for fantasy.
She couldn’t even be upset with Audra for pressing the issue, for making Kendall take a hard look at her feelings for Logan. When one friend saved the other from near-death, not to mention provided her with a new life, all boundaries were pretty much erased. Kendall had gone against everything she believed, everything she’d sworn to do, in order to protect Audra after the last beating. It infuriated Kendall that she’d been forced to do so because someone in power, someone she’d once worked alongside, had used his position to intimidate and belittle a woman such as Audra. Given the necessity, Kendall would do it all over again.
“Does Logan scare you?” Audra asked.
Kendall stared at her friend’s reflection in the bathroom mirror. Although she was still thin, Audra had lost much of the gaunt, nervous look that had defined her during those first months after they’d escaped to Burton Springs. Her ocean blue eyes remained dimmed by caution, and Kendall wondered if they always would. But, given she’d never endured anything like what Audra had gone through, who could blame her?
She had yet to tell Audra that a call from Billings had come in asking if there were any newcomers to the area. Thank goodness Kendall had answered the phone and not someone else in the department. It was just one more item to add to her growing list of concerns.
“Kendall?”
“Not physically.”
She hated lying to Audra, but how could she explain she was in fact physically afraid? Not that Logan would force her. What scared her was her response—how the passion and need had all but erupted within her during a single kiss. For one brief instant, she’d been selfish. She hadn’t thought as a cop or protective friend. She hadn’t considered the burden, joy, or worries of being a single mother. Nor had she thought or acted like the fanciful teenager she’d once been. Logan had been as aroused as she. To have him hold her, kiss her, desire her, had been a dream she’d kept at bay by pure will. To dream was to hope. All night she’d damned him to hell and back for opening the door to that dream as much as for making her ache with unfulfilled wanting.
“You still love him,” Audra said. Not only did Kendall know all the facts and secrets of Audra’s past, but Audra knew the truth of Kendall’s as well. Audra was the only one Kendall had trusted with the name of Marissa’s father. “Not as innocently as you did before, but your heart can’t forget that love.” She offered a small smile. “A woman’s heart never forgets her first love.”
It freed something inside of Kendall to know her friend understood despite all the hurt and betrayal Audra had been through. It made Kendall wonder, gave her a reason to change the direction of her thoughts. “Do you still love him?” Kendall asked even as she wondered how Audra could love a man who’d been so cruel to her.
“I love the him he was when we met.”
Neither of them ever called him by name. They couldn’t take the chance of Marissa innocently saying anything that might lead to discovery. Audra nudged the past away with a small flick of her hand. Kendall thought if he ever did find them, he’d discover Audra was stronger than he could imagine—stronger of heart and mind. He’d also be surprised at the strength he’d find in Audra’s hands. No longer would she stand by, with her hands limp at her side and do nothing to defend herself. Was that why he’d refused to let her explore her gift? Had he somehow known that throwing clay would build muscle and endurance? No, Kendall wouldn’t give him credit for being that bright. He’d simply been—and continued to be, from her minimal inquiries—a bully.
“Is Logan the same as you remember?” Audra asked.
“Yes and no.” Kendall applied a thin layer of mascara, giving her the plus of avoiding Audra’s gaze. “He’s not going to stay.”
“Are you telling me what you know for certain, or are you trying to convince yourself?”
Two hours later, Kendall was still thinking about Audra’s question as she drove to work,
just as she remembered how it had felt to be in Logan’s arms last night. What would it hurt, a small part of her heart whispered? Why not enjoy the surprising attraction he seemed to have developed for her? Who cared what the basis for the attraction was, or how long it would last?
She wasn’t the same young girl looking for someone to care for her. She’d made herself into a mature woman who was willing to do whatever it took to have what she wanted. A woman who did what needed to be done when it needed to be done. She had a daughter she loved, friends she cared about and who cared for her, and a job she took pride in doing well.
She was young, apparently with a healthy sex drive. Who said what she felt, what Logan appeared to feel for her, had anything to do with love? Plenty of couples engaged in a physical relationship without mucking it up with emotion. As long as she knew the rules up front, there was no danger in making it more than it was—a case of leftover lust that would burn out and be a nice memory once he returned to active duty.
The questions continued to circle the back of her thoughts. Her day went as so many others did, except for spending a useless two hours waiting to testify in court only to have the case pleaded out. A text message to report for a briefing helped refocus her thoughts. Until she walked into the station house.
Logan stood in the center of the room, talking with Sheriff Owens.
“Good, you’re here,” Sheriff Owens said when he spotted Kendall. He motioned for the rest of the staff to gather around. “All right, everyone. This is Logan Montgomery. I know some of you remember him.” A few heads nodded, hands were shook, backs slapped. “He’s been doing us all proud by serving in the Army the past few years. His daddy taught him how to hunt well enough that the Army put those skills to good use by making him into a sniper.
“I hope we never have any kind of hostage situation where we might have need of a sniper, but I’m also not going to give up the opportunity to take advantage of whatever experience and knowledge he can share with us.” With a nod at Logan, Sheriff Owens turned over the meeting.
Logan began to talk. Through words and behavior, he relayed confidence, knowledge, and ability. And no hesitation. The military had given him that. The department would benefit from his experience.
“Before we start any specialized training,” Logan went on, “I’ll need to evaluate your skill set. So, we’ll begin with me observing you on the firing range. Sheriff Owens has set up a schedule.” His gaze locked on Kendall’s. “First up is Deputy Grant.”
After Logan gave the other members of the squad their time assignments, she and Logan drove to the gun range in their individual vehicles. Once there, very aware of him watching her, she loaded her gun, slipped on the protective sound suppressors and goggles, and then took her stance.
He stood behind her, wearing his own sound suppressors and goggles, watching over her shoulder. Her first shot went wide of the mark, and she closed her eye for a minute to gather her composure. With a quietly indrawn breath, she focused on the target and squeezed the trigger. When the first round of bullets was spent, Logan offered suggestions and observations—all in a professional manner without any hint of the sensual undercurrents of last night. It settled something in her, and made her realize how much she wanted his approval. The next two rounds had her hitting the mark more often than not.
“You’ve got a steady hand, are patient, and have a deliberate approach to your shooting,” Logan said while jotting down notes on a clipboard. “Those are good qualities in a sniper.” He looked over and grinned. “Remind me to stay on your good side.”
Kendall secured her weapon and knelt to collect the spent bullet casings. “First helping your brother, then helping Brittany Davis with her barrel racing, and now working with the department. If I didn’t know better, I’d be tempted to believe you were planting new roots. Of course,” she continued as she stood. “I’ve done enough gardening to know shallow roots often wither and die.”
“My roots are long.” He stepped close enough that she was grateful they were alone with no one to overhear the conversation. “As you well know.”
A blush burned her cheeks and gut, but she kept her gaze on his. “I’m talking about the kind of roots that keep a person grounded, not a male fantasy about length and endurance.”
He reared back his head and laughed. “I’ve really missed you, Kendall.”
He’d missed her as a friend—a fact that didn’t disturb her. Still, the words took hold. After all, she’d felt the absence of his friendship as keenly as she’d remembered his lover’s touch.
“I missed you too,” she admitted in a soft whisper. And would again when he left. Since they had a limited amount of time before the next officer arrived, she gave herself a purely personal indulgence. “Was it hard?” she asked in much the same way as he had on that first night. Like that night he understood the heart of her question.
“Hard as hell some days.” He looked off into the distance, one that had little to do with miles or time. “The hardest is the kids you see over there. I’m not talking just the kids that get hurt, the ones that suffer. But, damn Kendall, some of those kids aren’t much older than Marissa, and they would just as soon slit your throat as take the candy you offer.” He scrubbed his hands over his face when a noise from outside the hallway alerted them that the next officer had arrived for his evaluation. “Hell, I have nightmares sometimes.”
He turned to go to the outer room and meet the officer, but she stopped his retreat with a hand on his arm. She felt his muscles tense and flex, but she held on. When he stared down at her, she felt the hitch in her heart at the haunting disillusionment she saw in his gaze. He’d seen things that he would never tell her, things that no human should see be done to another.
“I have a few reports to file back at the station, and then I’m off shift. Would you like to come for dinner?” She smiled. “I’m not exactly the best cook in the world, but I promise I won’t feed you hot dogs.”
“I’d like that. Thanks.”
Kendall and Logan walked into the outer room, where they both took a little time to chat with the two officers who’d driven over together. In response to questions, Logan talked—in the broadest terms—about military life before turning the talk to horses. She liked being beside him, hearing his low hum of laughter even as she took pains to avoid arousing suspicion about her personal feelings. When she left to return to the station, Logan only gave her a nod of good-bye before he led another officer back to the firing area.
Once she’d arrived at the station, she dealt with the stack of paperwork she’d been avoiding. Unfortunately, the boredom of paperwork gave her mind time to wander. She figured her feelings were both stronger and more complicated than his for her. All of her bold thoughts this morning about indulging in an affair were rolled into a figurative ball and tossed into the trash along with the paper she tore off the spiral pad. It had been so long since she’d enjoyed the relaxation and comfort of a friend. Yes, she and Audra shared a bond, but nothing like the one she’d once had with Logan.
“So,” Rhonda Johnston, the dispatcher, stopped beside where Kendall wrote out her report. “What’s going on with you and our new expert? Although, let me just say right off,”—she sighed dramatically and patted her chest—“I’d bet the ranch that he’s an expert in way more than just shooting a rifle.”
As usual, Rhonda wore three-inch heels with all the grace of a sprinter wearing running shoes. Her rapid fire comments and outrageous suggestions were legend around the station. There were rumors that the woman, and no one dared ask her age, had once been a showgirl in Vegas. Others claimed she’d come here to escape after divorcing an unfaithful husband. Kendall didn’t believe any of it, although it often felt as if Rhonda’s goal in life was to tease Kendall at any and every opportunity.
“Logan and I were friends when we were younger.”
“A
nd now?” Rhonda grinned when Kendall tried to just shrug off the question. “Oh, honey, you got it bad.” Before she could argue, Rhonda winked, turned, and went back to her area.
By the time she completed her paperwork, Logan had returned after evaluating the last deputy for the day. He went into Sheriff Owens’s office, she assumed to give a report on his evaluations. Kendall signed off-duty and made a quick stop at the market before heading home. She went through her routine of securing her weapon before stepping into the backyard.
Love swelled in her heart at the sight of her daughter with Audra.
The reclining sun was taking the late June warmth over the horizon, but Audra preferred to be outside whenever possible. She’d made sure Marissa wore a lightweight jacket. They both grinned like mad as Audra guided Marissa’s hands to mold the clay circling on the potter’s wheel into a bowl.
At times like this, Kendall knew she’d done the right thing. She would always regret the need for the choices she’d made, but she’d made a difference by helping her friend find a chance at a new life. Moving back to her hometown had been a risk, not only due to Audra’s situation but her own history as well. The people here knew her. Since her father had been a preacher, her actions had always been held to a higher standard. She accepted there would be speculation and whispers about Marissa. She also knew there were plenty of people she could count on if she needed help. From a financial standpoint, there was much she hadn’t been able to give Marissa. But right now, this moment, reminded her of what was important. Her child had the security of knowing she was well cared for and loved. Really, everything else came in a distant second.
Last night hadn’t been the first time Marissa had asked about her father. It was, however, the first time she’d questioned if she was the reason for that absence. In turn, it was only fair that Kendall questioned why she’d made the decision not to introduce Marissa to Logan. Had it really been to protect her daughter’s tender feelings? Or her own? Had she wanted to avoid Marissa’s inevitable questions? Or avoid facing the answers?
Cowboy On Her Doorstep (Montgomery Brothers Book 1) Page 6