by J. Langland
“I give it fifty-fifty.” Lilith refilled her glass and poured a new one for her eavesdropping colleague.
“You did seem to incentivize the bard,” Asmodeus observed, taking the glass. He grimaced slightly as he watched the blood wine flow down Lilith’s clear esophagus. “Would you mind changing into something less see-through? You know I dislike that form.”
Lilith frowned at him in annoyance and allowed her skin to return to its normal porcelain white. A black full-length dress and cape formed around her previously nearly naked body. “I am not sure why I take fashion advice from a man whose own form for the last few decades has been taken from some book he found in the outer realms.”
“It was an encyclopedia of various legendary beings, and I happened to be in it. While the likeness was completely wrong, I found it quite flattering to be included, so I took the form of the drawing.”
“I think it was a children’s book or something.” Lilith shook her head at his silliness.
“I doubt that; it was written by an obviously astute and knowledgeable author.”
“An obviously knowledgeable author?” Lilith arched an eyebrow and took another swig of blood wine.
“Yes, one Egary Gygax, clearly a name of distinction and good breeding. There were numerous other books of his in the library,” Asmodeus protested. Lilith rolled her eyes.
“I think the sage you had translating the book was probably drunk.”
“He was not. He was, actually is, quite trustworthy and knowledgeable. He has been with me for the last three thousand years or so. Further, this tome described me as the Law of Evil. And if there is anyone that applies to, certainly it is I.” He swept his arms around as if gesturing to his domain.
Lilith took another swig of blood wine. “Seriously? Have you cleared that with any of your colleagues? They all think they are the Law of Evil.”
Asmodeus gave her a small snarl and glare.
“Back to the issue at hand. Do you think the bard will bring this demon to us? We need to know how he managed to tap into Tiernon’s private mana stream. It is clearly the biggest breakthrough and most exciting development in the Eternal Conflict in at least six or seven thousand years! It could tip the balance in our favor once and for all!”
“Yes, and you want to know how to do it before any of the other princes find out,” Lilith observed.
“Well, at least before Tiernon comes down and obliterates this demon and sends the secret to the grave.”
Lilith laughed. “Yes, that’s quite likely, I’m afraid. Maybe I should not have invited him to stay with me. Not if he is going to have unexpected visitors.”
“Assuming he comes, which you do say you aren’t sure of. Of course, I do not blame you. If this demon is smart, he won’t accept your hospitality.” Lilith glared at him. “Not that you are a bad host, but that you clearly have ulterior motives. Everyone who has ever met you knows that.” Asmodeus took another sip of wine.
“In any event, I’ve assigned two of my best to secretly follow Antefalken to find out where this Tom’s cave is,” Lilith told him.
“Again, a cave. This must be a safe house, a ruse location to distract us from his true seat of power, the location of which would clue us in as to his background and allies.” Asmodeus paced around the carpet. “But if it is a rendezvous point, still good to know. Your minions will be discreet?”
“I sent Rosencrantz and Guildenstern,” Lilith replied.
Asmodeus nodded. “Excellent. Those two are exceedingly loyal, as I recall. You’ve had them for almost as long as I’ve known you.” The demon prince paused for a moment. “Wait, weren’t they disintegrated a century or so ago in that whole Dark Shibboleth affair on the moon of that gas giant orbiting Tau Ceti in the Alderen universe?”
Lilith thought for a moment. “Yes, that’s right. No mind, I had them re-imprinted on two other demons I decided to repurpose. It is not the first time I have had to do it. None of my Rosencrantzes and Gildensterns have lasted more than a few centuries. Being in my service can be dangerous. I make no secret of it.” She tilted her head back to swallow the last drops from her glass.
“More blood wine?” Lilith asked as she moved back to the wine cart.
“Certainly, my dear. It is an excellent vintage; it has a nice blend of male agnostic virgin and female atheist slut. A very hard combination to blend, but your winemaker is clearly a genius.”
~
They were finally getting close to home, such as it was. Reggie was a slow flyer. He also kept falling out of the sky, so they had to fly low. This had made the journey much longer once they reached the mountains. Tom did have to admit that Reggie’s first attempt, in which he fell like a stone and landed up to his thighs in rock, had been amusing. That probably would not get old, even though it did cause his legs to ache in sympathy.
Of course, before that he had had to run through the same Q & A session that Boggy had provided him on the nature of demons and the Abyss. Not to mention his own story, or at least an exceedingly abbreviated version of it. He really only told Reggie the parts about the Abyss and sort of skipped most of the stuff in Astlan because he wanted to get them moving, figuring once they were back at the cave, there would be time for the rest of the story.
Surprisingly, Reggie initially was not that appalled by the thought of being a demonic sex slave. He did like sex. He had not really gotten much in Harding, which Tom interpreted as being none. Of course, his enthusiasm changed quickly when they got to the part about his body on Earth being dead, like Tom. Reggie had suddenly gone pale, or at least as pale as he could get.
“You mean my folks are going to find me in bed with my pants around my ankles and my hand around my junk, in flagrante, and dead from a pot overdose?” Reggie had asked incredulously.
“You can’t really die from a pot overdose,” Tizzy commented. “It’s the batty wizards slicing your silver cord that kills you.”
“Afraid so,” Tom had replied, ignoring Tizzy.
At that point, Reggie had made a bawling noise, dropped to the ground, curled up into a fetal position and cried. It was definitely embarrassing for the poor incubus, Tom mused. Oddly, he felt bad for Reggie. He had tried to keep thoughts of Reggie out of his head since he had arrived, but he’d been really pissed at the guy for giving him the weed. On occasions, he had had some revenge fantasies very similar to this, but the real thing was a letdown. To be fair, it was a horribly embarrassing way to go, much worse than Tom’s demise.
However, on the other hand, for some reason, Reggie had tear ducts and could cry. Although, where the water was coming from was a mystery, and why it did not evaporate in the super-heated air was also a mystery. How many times had Tom wanted a good cry?
In any event, they, or rather Tom, eventually got him up and convinced him to come back to his cave. Tizzy was not particularly helpful. He did not seem to like Reggie too much. Tom wondered if Tizzy was jealous; it was hard to tell with the octopodal demon. He was rather insane, after all.
They stopped at the top of the last mountaintop before the cave to wait for Reggie to catch up after his latest fall.
“This is spoiled buttah,” Tizzy ranted in his yenta voice.
“What is?” Tom asked. Tizzy pointed to Reggie. “Why don’t you like him?”
“Don’t trust him. I think he is crazy. I think he lies too.”
“What would he lie about? It is clearly Reggie, he even rather sounds like the old Reggie, and his account of the party and my death match what I recall. Everything is logically consistent. I can certainly believe his story. It sounds like something he would do.”
Tizzy scrunched up his face. “How much can you trust him? After all, he gave you the drug that got you high and then trapped by Lenamare. Are you sure he’s not one of Lenamare’s minions?”
Tom shook his head in disbelief; that was a pretty out-there conspiracy theory. “Yes he gave me the joint, but he ended up using one himself and got enslaved. If he had been working
for Lenamare, he would not have been so stupid as to smoke the joint. Further, Lenamare does not know anything about Earth or humans beings getting enslaved as demons. He and all of the wizards are convinced demons are primordial evil. You and Boggy said so yourselves!”
Tizzy made a pouty motion and harrumphed, turning to look towards the cave as Reggie finally flew up to them. “I’m about dead, guys,” Reggie told them. He was clearly sagging.
“Sorry,” Tom shook his head. “I forgot that I took a nap on the plains before heading to find a cave. The initial materialization and binding takes a lot out of you. We really should have let you rest, but I felt it best we get home as soon as possible. I’ve got a guest to deal with.”
Reggie looked at him quizzically. “A guest? Do demons entertain?”
“I don’t, normally. It’s a long story, but the short version of the story is that I sort of have a hostage.”
“A hostage?” Reggie asked in surprise.
“I’m not sure if he’s really a hostage; I guess more of a prisoner of war.”
“A prisoner of war? Are you at war?” Reggie was looking back and forth between the two demons. Tizzy just ignored him.
Tom sighed. “Well, like I said, it’s a long story. However, the Wikipedia version is that I and a bunch of other demons, including some friends of mine”—he gestured to Tizzy—“got driven out of this city that was surrounded by a bunch of religious fanatics. The religious fanatics started shooting demons out of the sky and managed to bring down one of my friends, and this super-powered knight was trying to kill that friend, who happens to be a ten-year-old boy, so I challenged the knight to a duel.”
Reggie’s eyes were as wide as saucers at this point.
“Anyway, it was a nasty fight; he cheated, a lot, and his army helped him. It was supposed to just be the two of us, but as I said, he cheated.” Tom launched himself back into the air. “So, yada yada, I kicked his ass, gave him the opportunity to surrender, he reneged and tried to kill me again, so I sort of dropped him through a portal to the Abyss and am holding him captive.”
“Shit!”
“You don’t need to do that anymore! It’s like breathing. So don’t do it!” Tizzy retorted.
Tom looked at Tizzy, who just shrugged and took off back towards the cave.
“What exactly is his problem?” Reggie asked.
“Aside from being insane, I don’t know. I don’t think he likes you for some reason.”
Reggie shrugged. “So I don’t have to shit? What about eat?”
“Not unless you want to.” Tom said. “The plumbing seems to work okay, but it’s not required, and we don’t get hungry.” Tom pointed to the mountaintop with the cave. “We’re just heading over now. You can sleep safely there. I’ll make sure Talarius doesn’t try to kill you in your sleep.”
“Great!” Reggie said sourly.
“Actually, that’s another thing we usually don’t have to do: sleep. We only sleep after expending a lot of energy, or getting hurt badly, while we regenerate.”
“We regenerate?” Reggie asked in surprise.
“We are remarkably hard to kill. In fact, if we are on some plane other than the Abyss and we get killed, we just end up here and regenerate.”
“Like in a video game?”
Tom had not thought of it that way. “Yeah, like in a video game.”
~
Talarius noted some motion in the sky to his left. He tapped his helm to adjust the long-range focus on his visor, zooming in on the flying objects. There were three demons approaching: his captor, that annoying octopod thing, and what appeared to be a humanoid with four arms flying rather drunkenly. They had probably gone to celebrate his capture and gotten inebriated. It was well known that demons had no self-control when it came to overindulgence.
“Your friends are returning, apparently with another demon in tow,” Talarius told Rupert, Boggy and Estrebrius. He pointed to the approaching demons.
Boggy looked, blinked and then turned towards Talarius. “You have uncommonly good eyesight for a human.”
Talarius shrugged, giving no response. The squat demon, Estrebrius, seemed to be hyperventilating or something; Talarius noticed he was making some rather odd huffing noises.
“What’s wrong with you?” Talarius asked, forgetting for the moment that he had no interest in the odd behavior of demons.
“Nothing,” Estrebrius huffed. Talarius squinted; if he did not know better, he would have said the demon was nervous. Perhaps having an anxiety attack? He had to talk many a man down from such feelings before a battle. Interesting; he would never have thought demons to have such issues.
Talarius backed up closer to the cave’s entrance so the three demons could land. There was plenty of room, but no reason to get too close. Estrebrius slid back to join him in the entrance. Talarius frowned, hoping his own motion had not implied any fear or anxiety on his part. It had simply been pragmatism, nothing more.
His captor landed and quickly stepped forward as the drunk demon came in a bit fast and somewhat clumsily behind him. Talarius’s captor had to reach out and steady the drunk demon before it fell over the precipice.
The octopod thing just sort of hovered over the ledge. It seemed to do that a lot, Talarius noted. Perhaps it felt too ungainly on the ground. It was certainly an awkward demon. It was equipped for twice as much sinning as any normal being. Thinking of which, and he should not be, he could not help but notice that the new demon began to fondle itself once it was steady. It seemed to be slightly aroused.
“Boggy!” His captor thundered. Did demons ever speak in a normal tone of voice? “Good to see you!” The Boggy demon stepped forward and gave his captor a hug.
“Good to see you, lad! To think, I knew you before you were famous!”
His captor laughed. “Famous?”
“Oh, yeah, you’re the talk of the town. Several hundred demons saw you kick this bloke’s arse!” Boggy pointed to Talarius. Talarius frowned inside his helmet; he would need to get used to this sort of shame. Boggy pulled back. “So! You and Tizzy went out to collect a neophyte?”
His captor laughed again. “You will not believe this. You remember my friend Reggie, the one who gave me the joint?”
“Uhm, yeah?”
“This is him!” His captor pointed at the new demon. “This is my buddy, Reggie! Turns out he had an extra joint and tried it himself and got bound as an incubus!” Talarius frowned. An incubus? He turned his gaze back on the demon that was fondling itself. Well, that at least explained its perverted nature. However, the rest of this discussion was lost on him. Apparently, after ripping limbs from their victims, they liked to pass around the joints to eat and this made them susceptible to binding spells? It made no sense, but that was what it sounded like his captor was saying.
“Holy smokes!” Boggy stared at the new demon.
“You mean unholy smokes, don’t you?” His captor laughed uproariously. Boggy laughed along while the new demon frowned, looking back and forth between Boggy and Talarius’s captor. Rupert seemed about as puzzled as Talarius was, Estrebrius was looking nervous, and the octopod was looking very peeved for some reason. It probably did not like the attention that the new demon was getting. That thing seemed to like to be the center of attention.
His captor suddenly noticed Estrebrius. “Who’s your friend?” The short demon visibly swallowed.
Boggy lightly smacked his forehead, avoiding his horns. “Dearie me, where are my manners? This is my longtime chum, Estrebrius!”
His captor stuck out a giant claw towards the little demon, who cautiously shook it.
“Uhm, pleasure to meet you, Your Lordship!” the little demon piped up, sounding a bit more high-pitched than it had earlier.
His captor laughed. “Just call me Tom.”
Talarius shook his head slightly inside his helmet. His captor’s behavior was quite bizarre. He did not act like a demon should. Talarius wished he could figure out the demon’s ruse. For
one thing, what sort of name was “Tom” for a demon? It was excessively informal. He had heard his captor referred to by that name but had been ignoring it. The ignobility of being captured by a demon named simply “Tom” was rather galling. It sounded like some sort of peasant demon, not an archfiend capable of defeating a Knight Rampant of Tiernon!
Talarius gritted his teeth; he needed to get his pride in check. A failed Knight Rampant of Tiernon, he corrected himself. Clearly, his defeat was a sign of his own moral failings. If he had only been more virtuous, more devoted, he would surely have prevailed. His downfall was of his own doing. Perhaps it was his hubris? That was often the downfall of a knight. Hubris, vanity, greed, lust, any of the cardinal sins could have been responsible. He needed to take inventory of his failings and determine which had caused his defeat. He shook his head. Now was not the time for this; the demons were discussing their plans and he was not paying attention. Perhaps inattentiveness had been his failing?
~
“So let me get this straight,” Tom asked Estrebrius, “your accursed master wants to meet me? He says he has something of value to offer me? And you are tasked with arranging a meeting?”
“Yes, My Lord.” The small chubby demon bowed.
“Again, just Tom. I’m no lord of anything or anyone.” Tom shook his head. “So is this some sort of weird trap or is your master simply insane?”
Estrebrius shook violently and fell down on his knees. “I swear it is no trap, My Lord. He is a good, honest accursed master, as they go. He is also nowhere near skilled enough to trap someone of your power. He just wants to make a deal with you. I have no idea what it is, or why. I really do think he may have taken leave of his senses, but this is what he’s commanded me.”
Tom shook his head and looked to Boggy. “What do you think?”
Boggy scratched his chin. “Well, I’ve known Estrebrius for several centuries; he’s certainly honest and reliable.” Talarius made a choking noise; Tom gave him a quick glare. “He’s spoken quite highly of this accursed master on numerous occasions. Honestly, I’ve tried to dissuade Estrebrius on his master’s apparent decency, but he’s stuck by it for several years now.”