by A. M. Arthur
“Great day, actually. No one hassled me about Bethann, and I got some stuff done in the workshop. You?”
“I spent a lot of time online reading parenting websites.”
My heart tripped, and I twisted around in his arms, my hands landing on his hips. His expression was neutral but his hazel eyes were determined, and I didn’t dare hope. “You did?”
“Yes. I was looking specifically for people who weren’t sure they would be good parents, but whose partner wanted kids. Their experiences, thoughts, and feelings on how things eventually turned out.”
“And?”
He shrugged one shoulder. “A lot of people ended up happy with the choice to have kids.”
“But not all.”
“No, and those were the hard posts to read. Some of them felt pressured by their partner or spouse, and ended up resenting them down the road. Some broke up. They regretted having kids. One man said his wife resented having a kid so badly she left their little boy locked in a bedroom closet, packed a bag and left.”
“Jesus.” I tucked Cole’s head against my shoulder and held his slightly-trembling body close. “Those are extreme examples, babe. And I promise I am not trying to pressure you into being a dad. You simply don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“I’m trying. I, uh, made an account and posted about our situation, and about all my history and fear.”
“You did?” That shocked the hell out of me. Not because our situation was super private but that he’d opened-up to strangers on a forum.
“Are you mad?”
“No, of course not. Just surprised you told a bunch of strangers about your past.”
“The anonymity of the internet is kind of great. Most of the comments were encouraging, because the moderators are strict about members not policing other people’s emotions. A lot of them said what we already know, which is that communication with your partner is key. So I’m communicating.”
“Yeah.” I stroked the back of his neck where his blond hair had grown out a bit and curled gently against his skin. “We haven’t talked much today.”
“Then how about we talk over dinner? I’ve got meatballs browning in the oven, and the water is almost ready for the spaghetti.”
“Sounds perfect.”
We did our familiar dance around the kitchen, with Cole finishing the meal and me setting our places at the counter. Cole was an incredible cook, and he’d kind of fallen into the role as his way of giving back to our relationship. Taking care of me with food, while I took care of him with patience and understanding. Before him, I’d existed on basic stir-fries, canned soup, and takeout from the Sow’s Ear. My diet was much more well-rounded now, and he made the best homemade pasta sauce.
I couldn’t find any frozen garlic bread, so I slathered two pieces of regular bread with butter and garlic salt, and then tossed them into the toaster oven. The bell dinged they were done just as Cole finished tossing the spaghetti in the sauce. He was still teaching himself to make meatballs from scratch, so the ones I pulled out of the oven were a premade brand we both loved. Once we were settled with food on our plates, Cole said, “I want you to adopt Bethann’s baby.”
I nearly dropped my fork. “You do?”
“Yes.” He held my gaze, nothing in his expression but openness and calm.
As much as I wanted to take this amazing gift and run away with it, it was a huge decision. “Tell me why.”
Cole twirled noodles around his fork but didn’t eat it. “Because you will be a great dad. Because you are already a little bit in love with that baby. Because I know it will make you happy, and I want you to be happy, Jeremy. And I believe we can do this together. We just have to communicate like the forum people said.” He put his fork down. “I have to tell you something important I haven’t mentioned yet, because it happened Saturday while you were at the hospital with Bethann.”
I tensed, on instant alert, but Cole looked more guilty than upset. “You can tell me anything.”
“I know, but you’ve been so stressed over the baby this week that I put it off, and I also didn’t want to jinx it, because it fell through the first time, but I got another offer on my land, it’s a cash sale, and we can close the deal as soon as this Friday.”
It took a moment before his babbled run-on sentence made sense. “Wait, you’re finally selling the land?”
“Yes. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.”
“That’s fantastic news!” I leaned over to hug him, pleased he’d be done with the last nightmare from his past this soon. “I am so happy for you, I mean it.”
Cole eyeballed me. “You aren’t mad I didn’t tell you sooner?”
“I mean, maybe a little miffed but not mad. We’ve had a lot going on these last few days.”
“I was so scared of jinxing the sale that I didn’t want to tell you until I actually signed the paperwork, but I felt so guilty keeping it from you when we need to be really open about things going forward. Keeping secrets won’t do us any good.”
“You’re right. Thank you for telling me. Damn, you have to be so relieved that millstone is almost off your neck for good.”
“Beyond relieved, trust me. It’ll be nice having more financial freedom.” He finally smiled. “I might even upgrade to a better car.”
“I would love to see you driving something nicer than that wreck.”
Cole laughed but I was serious. It had been all he could afford when he fled his ex-asshole’s abuse, and it had been in the shop several times since he’d moved in with me. Whenever he needed to drive out of town, I insisted he take the van so he didn’t break down on the side of the interstate.
Another old fear flashed through my lizard brain. Cole had once said he’d hoped to take the money and use it to start over. To go back to college, maybe even out of state. To travel and enjoy the experience, instead of traveling in fear of his life. Now that Cole was finally getting his money, did he still want to do those things?
“What about college?” I asked. “Getting your degree. You can’t do that if you commit to raising a baby with me.”
“I’ve researched some of the online schools, remember? Sure, maybe the on-site program at Boston Architectural College is better than the online one, but I’m not looking to become some sort of world-famous architect. I just want more foundational knowledge that I can’t get by reading magazines and watching YouTube. I’m more concerned with your work suffering because your attention will be split between the business and the baby.”
I honestly hadn’t thought all that hard about how having a baby would affect the business. It would very much affect my time and attention. “I could hire another part-time person to help run the shop. Or see if Meredith wants more hours. Make Monday a day we’re always closed.” The trickier part would be my online sales and picking new merchandise. I couldn’t very well pick through a dusty old barn with an infant strapped to my back.
As if mirroring my thoughts, Cole asked, “And what about getting inventory for the shop?”
“I’ve got a pretty good surplus after my pick at the Tisdale property. If I get an offer I can’t refuse, I can get a babysitter.”
Cole frowned. “I could babysit. I mean, it’s not really babysitting when we’re raising the kid, but I want to help. I know you’re the one whose name will be on the adoption papers, but I’ll do my part. I’m your partner.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” I kissed the frown off his face. “Forgive me?”
“Yes. I can also help more in the store. Cover shifts so you can spend more daytime hours with the baby.”
I liked that Cole was taking a more active interest in my business, but I didn’t want him doing it at the expense of his own dreams. “We’ll work that out as we go forward.”
“Okay.” He picked up his fork of pasta and chuckled. “I guess we should have eaten before I said anything. Our food is probably cold.”
It was lukewarm but still perfectly delicious, and I ate until my stomach wanted to burst. We di
d the dishes together, elbows brushing in familiar ways as I washed and he dried. Once the kitchen was tidied up, I draped my arms around Cole’s shoulders. “Are we really doing this?” I asked. “Are we really going to have a daughter?”
Cole’s tender smile made me fall in love with him all over again. “Yes, we are. Dad.”
My chest ached in a funny way over that single word. Dad. I was really going to be a dad by the end of the week. Cole would sell his land by the end of the week. In only seven days, our entire world would alter in significant ways, and I was as terrified as I was thrilled. “If I’m Dad, who are you?”
“I can just be Cole for now.”
I wanted to argue he deserved a nickname too, but I didn’t want to pressure Cole into taking on a permanent role he might not be prepared for yet. But he was committing to raising the baby with me. To us making our careers work as we built this new life. Him and me and baby makes three. I hugged Cole tight and pressed my nose into his neck.
“We’ve got this,” Cole whispered, more confidence in his voice now than during any of our previous conversations about the adoption.
“Yeah, we do.” I pulled back and kissed him. “Should we go see Bethann? Tell her in person?”
“Sure. We can take her some of the leftover spaghetti and the groceries I got for her on Sunday.”
I’d meant to take her food back to her yesterday and had forgotten. “Okay.”
While Cole packed the food into a canvas tote, I texted Bethann, asking if it was okay for us to visit for a while and talk. She said yes, she was home. We drove to the other side of town, the car too damned small for the size of my joy. Even Cole was relaxed and smiling, likely because we’d made a decision and were committed to it, so he could plan. My Cole was a planner.
Bethann greeted us at the door with a weary smile. She wore loose sweat-shorts and a tank top which barely contained her swollen breasts. “Hey, guys, come in.”
“Have you had dinner yet?” Cole asked. “I know it’s kind of late, but we brought some spaghetti and meatballs, plus the other food I got for you. And your own stuff, too.”
“Thanks, that was thoughtful, but I ate. I’ll enjoy the pasta tomorrow, okay?”
“Sure.”
Bethann put the groceries away, then turned to face us. “So have your phones been blowing up for details about what’s happening with my baby?”
“Wasn’t too bad today, actually,” I replied. “I guess folks got the message that you’ll talk when you’re ready.”
“I wanted to wait until you’d made your decision so I could make mine.”
I clasped Cole’s hand, my heart trilling with excitement. “I accept your offer to adopt your baby. Cole and I are committed to raising her together and giving her the best life possible.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes filled with tears. “You’ll really do it?”
“Yes. We’ve talked about all kinds of things, and we can do this. She will want for nothing, Beth, I promise you. I’ll hire the lawyer and cover all the expenses, and I’ll even help pay whatever your insurance doesn’t cover from the birth and hospital stay. You shouldn’t have to start over in debt after giving me such a precious, life-altering gift.”
She burst into tears then, and I let go of Cole so I could hug her tight. Then she surprised me by reaching out to Cole, and he joined our hug. I probably shed a happy tear or two, and I didn’t care. I basked in the love and loyalty all around me, eager and impatient to bring my daughter home.
The rest of the week passed by in a blur of meetings and phone calls and legal paperwork. The lawyer fees and hospital bills made my savings account cry a bit, but it wouldn’t strain my finances too badly. We’d have to cut back on eating out for a while, though, unless I got an influx of sales through the shop or my online storefronts.
Cole spent a lot of time on those parenting forums, asking about best diaper brands and wipes and all sorts of things, so I let him take point on decorating and turning the guest room into a nursery. The walls were a basic ivory, so he added whimsical, cartoony artwork featuring everything from cute animals to the ABC’s. “I don’t want to force a single theme on her, like princesses or puppies,” he’d said. “We’ll give her variety and let her decide what she likes as she grows.”
I kind of loved that.
On Friday, Cole went down to Connor Realty and finalized the sale of his land, and he came home so excited I put the “Out To Lunch” sign up in the window, locked the front door, and let him blow me in my office.
On Saturday, Baby Quinn was officially released from the hospital with a clean bill of health, and with instructions on what to watch out for because she was so premature. Our lawyer met us there in case there was any issue with the adoption, but I had all the paperwork. A nurse gently placed the tiny newborn in my arms, and I fell completely in love.
“Hey, you,” I said, blown away by the little life Cole and I would be raising. “We’re going home soon, baby girl.”
Bethann stood nearby, eyes watery, but also smiling. “Have you picked a name yet?”
“I have.” I glanced at Cole, who was hovering by my elbow, grinning down at our daughter. I’d needed a name for the adoption papers, but Bethann hadn’t asked until today. “Annabeth Louise Collins.” Lulu’s given name had been Louise, but she had been Lulu her entire life, and I wanted to honor both of the Quinn sisters. Lulu would have loved knowing I was going to raise her niece.
Bethann’s stunned expression melted into grateful tears, and she didn’t resist a side-hug from Cole. The pair had bonded this past week in a way I never expected to see, and it thrilled me to think they were actual friends now. Cole had been given a peek into Bethann’s world, and he’d found he had more in common with her than he’d thought.
“Annabeth is a beautiful name,” Bethann said. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I took a step in her direction and she tensed. “Are you sure you don’t want to hold her?”
“I’m sure. She looks perfect in your arms, Remy. I know in my heart you’ll take great care of her. Both of you.” She squeezed Cole’s waist and stepped away.
Cole approached me, then traced a finger across the sleeping baby’s cheek. “Hello, Annabeth, I’m Cole. I’ll be here for you and your dad, and for anything you both need.”
My eyes stung from the beautiful promise he’d made to our daughter. Today was the first day of the rest of our lives; I couldn’t wait to take Annabeth home and get started.
7
COLE
The first week with Annabeth in the house raised my anxiety to an all-time high. It got so bad I had to get my prescription refilled, after barely relying on the pills for the last couple of months. Routines helped me cope with my PTSD, and now all my carefully constructed routines had been shot to hell by diaper changes, bottle feedings, general cuddles, and not a lot of sleep. Jeremy was being run ragged, too, though, and his own mental state wasn’t being helped along by Bethann’s upcoming departure from Franklin.
Jeremy officially made Tuesday the day his shop was completely closed, citing the various Monday holidays and three-day weekends he wanted to be open for. Meredith gladly took more hours at the store to cover Jeremy’s absences, and I frequently popped down with the baby to take over from him when Annabeth just wasn’t having it with me. It didn’t bother me when she wanted Jeremy to comfort her. Maybe he wasn’t her blood relative, but he was her father in all ways except biology, and they were beautiful together.
Jeremy also hired, of all people, James Rafferty to work a few shifts a week as extra coverage in the shop. Mr. Rafferty had once told me retirement wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and Jeremy and I both genuinely liked the older man. He could also charm customers into buying something they weren’t sure they even liked, and that was good for business.
Rumors had begun circulating again that Jeremy was Annabeth’s biological father, no matter how many times both he and Bethann denied it. I got a few side-eyes around
town, as if folks were waiting on me to do the “honorable” thing and move out, so Jeremy, Bethann, and Annabeth could be one big, happy family. Didn’t seem to matter that Bethann was actively trying to sublet her apartment so she could leave town.
Some people believed what they wanted to be true, despite the facts being against them. I’d lived that way for a long time with Martin, rationalizing everything, until he nearly killed me.
Jeremy took Annabeth to her first pediatrician checkup and came home beaming, because she was in perfect health. She’d even gained a bit of weight since leaving the hospital. Once she went down for a nap that afternoon, we celebrated by swapping blow jobs. That had become the total sum of our sex life recently, which was to be expected with a newborn. We still kissed and cuddled when we had time, and I actively tried not to resent Annabeth needing so much of his attention. She was an innocent life, completely dependent upon us both, and I couldn’t blame her for me not being able to properly fuck my boyfriend.
And townsfolk seemed to have decided that one week without pestering us was enough, because during her second week home, a lot of folks wanted to meet the newest addition to Jeremy’s family. Elwood and Eleanor Smith, owners of the Sow’s Ear, stopped by one afternoon with a stuffed pink bear. I put it on a bookshelf, instead of in her crib. Suzy and Lucy came by together. Other folks Jeremy knew and was friendly with. He was selfish with who got to hold her, though, which amused me to no end.
Jeremy was already an overprotective dad, and the poor kid was barely three weeks old.
Bethann called but didn’t visit, and I saw how much that hurt Jeremy’s feelings. They did go out to dinner one night, while I took care of Annabeth, and Jeremy seemed in better spirits when he got home.
“She doesn’t regret giving the baby up,” Jeremy said as he sat next to me on the couch, sipping a glass of sweet tea. “But she’s having a hard time with it, so she’s keeping her distance.”
“You don’t think she’ll change her mind, do you? Want Annabeth back?” The little angel was currently asleep upstairs, the baby monitor on the side table silent.