by Leddy Harper
“Is that why you were quiet last night when I showed up? You said you had things going on, was it about her and that’s why you didn’t want to talk to me about it? Because you didn’t want to tell me you were with someone?”
I didn’t want to say it, but I knew I needed to. I needed to tell her so that she could see that it wasn’t just because I didn’t want her to know I was unavailable, but I also needed to say it to get it off my chest. I had never, not once, opened up about it, and if I was asking Gabi to, then I needed to do it as well.
“We found out we were going to be parents. It wasn’t planned, but it was something we both knew we wanted eventually. I won’t lie, it was scary. Neither one of us knew how to be parents, and we weren’t exactly prepared for it, but those two lines made it very clear that it was something we would be doing whether we were ready or not.” I took in a deep breath. It was what followed that I had never discussed with anyone. “When she was eleven weeks pregnant she miscarried. They say that it just happens sometimes for no reason. But she took it really hard. I took it hard but not nearly like her. And I think most of my pain was because she was hurting so much. Yesterday was her due date. And I had forgotten about it until she called me home and reminded me.”
Eden gasped. “I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged my shoulders. Apologies didn’t fix anything. “I think the hardest part is that she keeps referring to the baby as a she, even though we never knew what it was. To me, it was just a pregnancy. But to her, it was a baby. It was a baby girl. And I have mixed feelings about it. It’s not that I didn’t love it or want it, but to me, it wasn’t quite a baby. Maybe that makes me an asshole, I don’t know.”
“It doesn’t make you an asshole. It’s harder for guys to understand the concept of a baby before it’s born. It’s different with women. We feel the change in our bodies. It’s not just a concept to women, it’s real. That doesn’t make you an asshole.”
I stared at her with so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to ask. Her demeanor changed and it made me move with caution.
“Have you ever?” I didn’t finish my question. She knew what I was asking.
Her head shook from side to side. “No, but I did know a few people that were.”
When she told me that she was a good listener, she wasn’t lying.
“So yesterday was hard?” she asked.
“The last seven and a half months have been hard. She hasn’t let it go. She’s depressed all the time and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s just been really hard because I’ve moved on and sometimes she makes me feel guilty for doing so. And then there are times I resent her for holding on.” I knew I said too much. I should have just left it alone. It wasn’t my place to talk to another woman about Gabi. Especially another woman that I have kissed and fantasized about.
She kept her gaze on me but didn’t speak. She didn’t offer any advice or ask any more questions. She sat there and waited for me to continue. It was almost like her dark green eyes were pleading with me to keep going. I didn’t want to, but it seemed I was a slave to her eyes.
“She used to see this psychologist and agreed last night after I got home that she’d go back to him. I just want her to be the same happy person she was before. I used to be happy. I used to be fun.”
“Until this morning I would have thought you were happy. And I did think you were fun.”
How did I tell her that all of that was because of her? She made me laugh and joke around. She had put the smiles on my face. But I couldn’t tell her that without sounding like a cheating bastard. And the last thing I wanted to do was remind her that that’s just what I was.
“I guess some people just have a way of bringing that out in me,” is all I said.
A smile lit up her face and did something to me. Even after the night and morning I had with Gabi, her smile could still affect me. I hated that. I had hoped that after making progress at home, Eden wouldn’t still be able to cause me such conflicted feelings. Looking at her mouth, it reminded me of something.
“You really don’t listen to me, do you?” I laughed. “I told you to not cover your ink and to keep in your piercings. Why would you take them out?”
“It’s not professional,” she said as if it were obvious.
I pinched my brows together and blinked a few times, expressing with my face that I thought she was crazy. I made a show of my arms that were visible due to my sleeves being rolled up. “Clearly, my company doesn’t follow the same idea of professionalism that you seem to think. If the founder wears his ink proudly, then so should you. You are my sidekick by the way.”
She laughed and it put a smile on my face.
“And fuck what people say is professional. I like the Monroe and the nose stud. From now on, it’s part of your uniform. Come in without it again and I’ll send you home. But I am thankful you listened about your hair; it looks good.”
She nervously played with her large curls that hung down low on her back with a few draped over her shoulder. I must’ve thrown her off with my compliments because she turned quiet again.
“That wasn’t me hitting on you. That was just me giving you a compliment.”
“I know.” She didn’t and I could tell. It was a lie, but whatever.
“Ready to get to work?” I asked and she nodded.
I sent her to her office, which was an empty room attached to mine with another door accessible from the hallway. It was empty because it had been a very long time since I actually had someone to occupy it. The temps I used typically sat at the front desk and acted more like a receptionist than my assistant. Which was fine with me, they never really did any actual assisting anyway. I decided to keep them coming even though I had Eden to cover things. Eden wouldn’t be fetching me mail or coffee, or taking phone calls. They could still do all of that.
I gave her a file that I had already gone over. She didn’t know that, of course. It was one that I had discarded due to the risk factors. From the cover, it looked like a pretty solid business, one that would be what I liked to call a jumper—the ones you jump on quickly because they were smart investments. But once I dove into their personal backgrounds, the risks became too high. I knew it would take her all day to find it, if she ever did, and I was using it as a test. I was testing her to see what she would find, how long she’d spend on it before making a decision, and ultimately, what decision she would come up with. Her transcript from NYU was impressive, but I had hired people with impressive resumes before to only learn later that their intelligence didn’t transfer from college to the real world. I was interested to see what she came up with.
She was in her office when I went to lunch, and she was still in the same place an hour later when I returned. I wanted to interrupt her and tell her to eat something, but I needed to keep my space from her. I decided I would tell her on my way out that in the future, she needed to take some kind of lunch break, even if it was only for half an hour. I didn’t like my employees overworking themselves. An under-cared-for associate wasn’t any good to me.
She never left her office until almost four o’clock. I was on the phone with Gabi when she walked in through the door that connected my office to hers. Gabriella was going on and on about some shopping trip she went on, and although I was excited that she had gotten out of the house and seemed happy for the first time in months, I had work to do.
“Gabs… Gabi…” She still talked without listening to me. “Gabriella, listen to me. I have to go. I have someone here that just walked in. I’ll see you when I come home.” She finally heard me that time and told me she loved me. “I love you, too. I’ll see you later.”
Eden stood there and listened to my conversation until I hung up. She hesitantly handed me the folder and waited until I opened it. “That was fast. I wasn’t expecting you to come up with a decision so soon. Looks like a good choice, doesn’t it?” I asked, baiting her.
“Yes, it does.”
I looked at her.
I won’t lie, I was disappointed in her answer.
“However, I don’t think you should do it.”
That got my attention. “Oh yeah, and why is that?”
“Well, although it seems great and all, I started looking at the Johnson brothers, the ones that bought the company a few years ago. They both struck it big at a casino and used their winnings to buy the company. The company itself is what’s making it seem like a great idea because the company is great. However, the new owners not so much. I would have had this back to you just after lunch, but I was waiting on a phone call. I just got it and it confirmed what I had suspected. They’ve been gambling, with big money. And even though I can’t prove that it’s company money, I just don’t think it’s a safe investment. Too risky.”
I was stunned into silence. She managed to find this all out in less than a day. It was impressive and I wanted to smile, but I was too shocked to do anything. I looked at her face and she seemed nervous as she waited for my response.
“I could fucking kiss you right now.” It was a figure of speech. Even though I really could’ve kissed her right then, I still only said it as it was commonly repeated. I didn’t miss the wide eyes she gave me, though. “Well, you know what I mean.”
“So my decision is all right?”
“All right? It’s fucking perfect. I had already canceled this one out last week; I just wanted to see what you’d say. I’ve gotta tell you, Eden, you had me scared when you first came back in. But I’ll admit, I’m an extremely smart man for hiring you.”
She finally laughed at that. “Yes, let’s go ahead and give you all of the credit for my work.”
“What? You didn’t know that’s what would happen when you took the job?”
“I should have, huh? Why would I possibly think that a man like you would give me any credit?” she teased. It was nice to have our banter back after the explosive morning we had.
“That’s your mistake. See? I can give you credit.”
She threw her pencil at me and shook her head in amusement.
“Good job today, Clare.”
“Thanks, Kauffmann.”
“Go ahead and go home. I’m getting ready to leave anyway. It was a good first day. You know, once we got passed the morning.” I smiled, as did she. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She smiled and went back to her office to get her things before she left. I waited until I knew she was gone before heading out. I didn’t want to be stuck with her in the parking garage. Even though we were able to get things out to each other didn’t mean I wasn’t still affected by her. The only thing keeping me safe at work was the fact there was a desk between us.
When I got home, Gabi was in the kitchen making dinner. It was such a shock to see her that way that I ran to her and held her from behind. She smirked and batted my hands away as I tried to taste her cooking. I hadn’t seen her in the kitchen in so long and I couldn’t even express the joy I had felt from seeing it.
Not that I was one of those men that thought their women should be in the kitchen, but she used to love cooking for me. Once she miscarried, she stopped. In fact, she stopped so many things. Her cooking me dinner was the first of many things; I just knew it.
Even though she seemed as if she was getting better, she was still quiet while we ate. I wasn’t expecting that, especially after her ranting on and on about shopping while I was at work. It all began to make sense once she did start talking.
“So, I was thinking. I’ll go to see Doctor Greiner next week, but I don’t want to be on any pills. I don’t want to feel fucked-up all the time. So what if I just went to talk to him?”
“I think that’s a great idea, Gabs. Whatever works, you know that.”
“Well, I was thinking that because I don’t want to be on any medication if we’re going to start trying again.”
Damn it. I thought it was going to be a good night. I should have known better.
“Gabi, I told you, we don’t need to think about that right now. Let’s work on you first.”
“I am, Dane.” She was getting defensive and loud.
“I know that, and I appreciate that. It’s not gone unnoticed. However, it’s going to take more than one day to fix it. It’s going to take more than one shopping trip or one call to Doctor Greiner. It’s going to take more than one visit to see him.”
“And then we’ll try again?”
“When the time is right, then yes, we will try again.”
What I didn’t tell her was that even then, I would still be hesitant. The depression she fell into after the miscarriage wasn’t the first one. She battled with it so many times before that. And although she’d manage to find her way back, something else would happen and she’d find herself right back there again. It wasn’t like she was just a depressed person, there was always something horrific that happened to her that put her there. So even though she was on the road to recovery, I feared another shoe would drop and she’d be just as bad as or worse than the last time. It always got worse. Every single fucking time. I didn’t know how much more I would be able to handle. But I knew I couldn’t leave her over it. Leaving her over the depression would mean I was leaving her over what had put her there in the first place. And I would never be able to do that. The memory of the very first time she battled with it was something I would never be able to forget. And for that, I couldn’t leave her. I didn’t want to leave her. I wanted her to get better. And I wanted more than anything for misfortune to leave her the fuck alone.
After dinner, she went to take her bath and I decided to use the time to take a walk along the beach. I hadn’t planned on going back to the pier, the memory of the night before nearly ruined that safe haven for me, but my feet led me there and I followed like the slave my body was.
Just as I was approaching it, I noticed her. I didn’t see her until I was right up on the old pier because she was standing in the surf on the other side. The sun had gone down, but there was still remaining light in the sky, bright enough to see her clearly once I made it there.
I turned around, but she’d seen me by then.
“Now who’s stalking whom?” she teased.
I spun back around in the sand and faced her. Again, I didn’t plan on walking toward her, but my feet moved and I followed. I was beginning to think my feet had GPS straight to Eden.
“Like I said, the beautiful always get stalked.”
She smiled. I smiled. And there was nothing but silence.
“I shouldn’t be here,” I finally said.
“No, you shouldn’t.”
“I should go home.”
“Yes, you should.” She spoke, but her words were mostly filled with air and heavy breathing. I could practically see her internal struggle. I noticed it because it was the same struggle I was feeling inside.
“No.” I shook my head. “This is my pier. I have been coming here for as long as I’ve lived here. You just moved here. You should leave. You should go home. Why should I give up my favorite place in the world because you’re here?” It sounded like a joke, but I was bringing up a valid point and asked an honest question.
“You’re right, I should go,” she said but didn’t move her feet from where they were rooted just beneath the shallow surf.
“Yes, you should.”
“I was here first, but you’re totally right, I should leave,” she said with a smile.
I smiled, too. “Yup. Right again. You may use my pier until I show up.”
“That’s so very thoughtful of you, Mr. Kauffmann.”
“I’m a thoughtful guy, Miss Clare.”
“If you were so thoughtful, you’d share it with me.”
“I am. I’m allowing you to be here when I’m not.”
“Why are you so scared of being here with me? Scared you’ll do something you shouldn’t?”
I swallowed hard and replied in a less-than-confident voice, “Why do you want to be here with me? Do you want me to do something I shouldn’t?”
That line… that fucking invisible line just kept popping up where she was concerned. I hated that pesky little thing and wanted it to go away. I wanted to be able to have a normal conversation with Eden without it appearing. I knew it was there because my balls suddenly felt heavy. That was a sure indication that the line was getting closer.
“Why would I want that? I already told you, I hate cheating bastards.”
“And like I told you, so do I.”
She looked down into the water covering her feet and smiled shyly.
“Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?” she asked as she looked back up at me.
“Stop getting shy.”
She shrugged her shoulders.
“You have nothing to be shy about.”
“It’s just who I am, Dane. Always been like that, and always will be.”
“Well, then, maybe that’s why we met. Maybe the purpose of you being in the same bar as me and me owning the only company you want to work for is for me to bring you out of your shell. Maybe it’s for me to un-shy you.”
She laughed and splashed her feet around some. “Oh yeah? And then what is my purpose for you?”
To make me happy. To make me smile. To make me feel something other than down. To bring me light when the rest of my world is so dark and to make me feel like this. But of course, I didn’t say any of that. That would be crossing that line. That would be going into the murky waters on the other side and causing nothing but pain for everyone involved.
Instead, I said, “To make my job easier at work.”
“Good answer.” She began to back up in the water until her feet were back on dry land. “Goodnight, Dane. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Goodnight, Eden. And don’t be late again.” I tried to sound stern and serious, but I guess I failed because she smiled at me and turned around.
I watched as she walked down the beach. She only made it about a hundred yards before walking up to a set of small condominiums. That must’ve been where she was staying. Fucking aye. Out of all the rentals in the area, she had to choose one on my beach, by my pier, in walking distance from me. No matter what I did, I wouldn’t be able to get far from her. She would always be there. I smiled at that thought and walked back home.