by Ayles, Abby
Emma reached across the bed to take his hand. “John. We have all been fools in one way or another. But there is no going back and changing the past. There is only the present moment.
“And that means that no good will come of living in the past either. In your mind. Do not think of how you have erred. Think of how you can do good in the present.”
John considered that.
Emma squeezed his hand. “There is still time yet to speak with Father. And you have not lost me. Nor have you lost Edward. Mountbank still stands. You have Miss Natalie. There is so much still to bring you joy and to look forward to. There is no need to berate yourself.
“If all you do is sit and feel your guilt, then you will be neglecting us still. You won’t be truly in the moment with us. So you must let that go. We do not blame you and so you should not blame yourself. But I shall start to blame you if you continue to rail against yourself and in doing so neglect to care for us now.”
John squeezed her hand back and offered her up a small smile. “I shall do my best.” He paused. “Tell me, when did my baby sister become so wise?”
“When she grew up,” Emma replied, releasing his hand and focusing again on their father. “Despite what you and Father continue to think, I am no longer a child. I am the same age as your Miss Natalie.”
John could not help the bitterness in his voice. “She is not mine.”
“Of course she is,” Emma replied. “She is your intended wife.”
“And yet she is not mine,” John repeated. “Although I am hers. For her to be truly mine she would have to love me.”
“You say you are hers,” Emma said.
“Yes.”
“Then you love her?”
It was not generally appropriate to speak of such tender feelings. But it was important, he felt, that his sister understand how such things might work. Her own heart would be on the line soon enough.
“Yes. I do not know exactly when my thoughts began to turn that way. But I know that my fondness for her grew to the point where I looked forward to seeing her every day. I began to wish for her presence.
“I found that she…that she lightened up my moods. That she made me smile. Even when I thought that I was not capable of it. She brightened up my day.”
Emma smiled lovingly. “I have noticed that as well. Edward and I have conferred on the matter. We were glad to see during the month that you two were together here…there was a rocky start. I did notice that. But you two grew to make one another happy. It made Edward and me happy to see you.”
John cleared his throat for want of anything better to do. He felt embarrassed. He hadn’t known that his infatuation was so obvious. Or that his initial dislike of Miss Natalie was picked up on by the others.
Emma gave him a chastising look. “Come now. You think that Edward, at least, was not made aware of the terms of your return? We knew that you two did not love one another when you first arrived here.
“Indeed, we wondered how long you had known one another. A few weeks? A day?” Emma raised an eyebrow at him.
“A few hours,” John admitted.
Emma laughed. “The soul of propriety, you are, dear brother. But Father put you in an unkind position.”
“He felt that he had no choice.”
“And you felt that you could not fairly oppose his verdict.”
“I suspect,” John said, “that you have been talking with Edward about this.”
Emma shrugged. “You know that he has only ever been the good son because you have been the obstinate one. He does not agree with Father on everything.”
“It appears I must have a talk with him as well.”
“You are trying to distract from the matter at hand.” Emma fixed him with a stern look. She looked quite a lot like Mother in that moment. “You have truly fallen for Miss Natalie.”
John sighed. He supposed he ought to have known that his sister would not let such a matter concerning romance rest. “Yes.”
“And you believe that she does not return your affections?”
“Why should she?” John countered. “I was distasteful to her in the beginning. My stern chastisement of her did not help matters.”
“I think you underestimate yourself,” Emma said softly.
John cleared his throat. He felt out of his depth. “All I know is what Miss Natalie is like. And what she would like in a partner. And that I am not those things.”
“I am not so certain,” Emma replied. “But have you spoken with her about this?”
John gave an undignified snort. “Why would I bother her with such things? You know that to speak from the heart in such a manner is untoward. I would not wish to distress her. Especially when my feelings are not returned. It would be ungentlemanly of me.”
Emma looked unbearably frustrated. But then she calmed herself. “This is not the time or place to argue. I will say only that you ought to speak to her of what is in your heart. That is all.”
John did not know what to say to that. Instead he let the conversation die and sat with his father. Listened to his labored breathing. Prayed for his recovery.
Chapter 35
Natalie was awakened by someone gently shaking her shoulder.
She blinked, sitting up slowly. She had been asleep. Oh, no, she’d fallen asleep!
“Are you all right?”
She looked up to see Lord Ridgecleff looking down at her. He looked quite concerned. Tender, even. If she dared to use the word.
“I’m well, thank you,” she replied. “I must apologize. My intention was to wait up for you. To see if you needed anything. Not to fall asleep here rudely.”
“You have not given offense,” Lord Ridgecleff replied.
“The tea and things,” Natalie said, sitting up further. “I shall have the servants fetch you fresh ones. I was not sure how long you would be.”
“My father did not wake up,” Lord Ridgecleff said. “I will be checking on him again in a moment. Emma has at last agreed to go to bed.”
Natalie stood up, setting aside the throw she had been using as a blanket. “I thought I might read to you, or something.” She held up the book to show him. “To help you stay awake.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked surprised. Taken aback, even. “You are under no obligation—”
“Well of course I’m under no obligation,” Natalie replied. “And if you think I should act merely because of an obligation then you have not been paying attention these last few weeks.”
The corner of Lord Ridgecleff’s mouth turned upward, as though he were smiling in spite of himself.
“No,” he said softly. “I cannot imagine you doing anything that you did not truly wish to do.”
“Then allow me to sit up with you,” Natalie insisted. “You will need the company. And it will help you to stay awake.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked down at her with an odd expression. Natalie could not place it. It was something soft, yes. Perhaps even fond. But the light in his eyes…she could not name it.
It confused her. He confused her.
More dangerous, he confused her heart. Made her hope for things that she could not have.
“Very well,” Lord Ridgecleff said, conceding the point. “I suppose you may accompany me.”
“Let us get some tea into you first.” Natalie was not about to let him stay up all night without something. He had not eaten in hours. She could scarcely remember dinner.
Lord Ridgecleff sat down, looking a little dazed. He must be affronted with her manner, Natalie thought. Well, he could afford to be affronted when she was so insistent. But she would take his feeling of offense if it meant that he actually got some food and tea into him.
More tea was brought. Natalie sat as Lord Ridgecleff ate the cold food and drank a few cups. He seemed to realize how hungry he was only once the food and tea were in his mouth.
She kept up a steady stream of light narration. She talked about how nice the servants were to care for them at such odd hour
s and how she had gotten their names.
“I have written them down so that I will not forget them later,” she said. “I think it will be a polite gesture of goodwill when I am the new mistress to show that I have remembered their names.”
She talked a bit of the book she had been trying to read. She remarked upon the loveliness of the fire. She thanked him, again, for taking her to London and for being so lovely at Elizabeth’s wedding.
When he had finished and rose, she rose as well.
“You are a determined creature,” Lord Ridgecleff noted.
“It is a family trait,” Natalie replied. “We all five of us have an unusual amount of it.”
“I can see that,” he said. He smiled warmly at her. “Very well then. Shall we?”
She followed him upstairs to the master bedroom.
Someday, she thought, it would be her bedroom. Or, rather, their bedroom. She would have her own bedroom and could join her husband or have him join her as they saw fit.
She did look forward to having such a spacious and luxurious bedroom. It was only that she had not expected to have it so soon.
When Natalie had dared to let herself picture what life would be like after their marriage…
Well, she had not done it often. That was too close to hopefulness. But when she had, she had expected that they would have rooms in one of the wings. She had expected that her father-in-law would live for some time.
He had been ill, she knew, but he had seemed to be full of spirit. She would not have thought his illness anything more than a trifle. An irritation that was to be endured but certainly not something that could conquer him.
As Lord Ridgecleff opened the door to the room, however, Natalie could see just how frail the earl had become.
Her heart went out to him, and to his children. That would be her own father someday. Father had made his mistakes but he was still her family. She loved him. She would hate to see him like this.
How much would his poor children feel?
“Would you like a fire?” Natalie asked, at a loss for anything else to say. “Or would you like me to read to you?”
Lord Ridgecleff sat down in a chair that had been left beside the massive four-poster bed. It was an impressive room. Natalie could easily see the taste of the earl in its décor.
“You really do not have to accommodate me,” he told her. “You may simply sit if you wish.”
“I want to do what you wish,” Natalie replied.
How odd it was to say such a thing and to mean it, to really mean it. Why, just a month ago she never would have said such a thing to anyone, least of all Lord Ridgecleff.
Now she said it and meant it with all of her heart. Whatever would make him happy, she would do.
Lord Ridgecleff sighed. “You are being quite kind in all of this. I cannot thank you enough. But I admit that it grates upon me as a host that you, my guest, should avail yourself in this manner.”
“I am not the usual sort of guest,” Natalie reminded him. “I am engaged to you. Therefore, you should feel no guilt.”
She paused, trying to think of something to say that might help him.
At last she said,
“When my mother died, my sisters and I were very unfortunate. She died far away from us. I’m sure you’ve heard the general story.”
Lord Ridgecleff thought for a moment. “I believe she took a chill or some sort and died in the home of a childhood friend.”
Natalie nodded. There had been a few nasty rumors that Mother had been conducting an affair. But the man in question had always been as a brother to her. And her mother’s character—and love for her husband—were irrefutable.
“She rushed through bad weather because he had no family and she wished for him to be nursed by someone who knew him. She caught a chill. It was awful, to have her die so far away. We didn’t even get to say goodbye.
“What I am trying to say is that—even if the worst should happen—you have at least had a chance to be with him now. I think that it is best to rejoice in the small things. The good things. And one of those is that you have at the least a little time with him in which to say goodbye.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked at her, and Natalie shrugged. “I felt that perhaps you did not wish for platitudes about his getting better. Instead now, even if the worst does come to pass, you are prepared for it. And you can find some good in the worst, even.”
“That is a smart way of looking at it,” Lord Ridgecleff replied.
“There is good to be found in all things,” Natalie responded. “It is the job of the person who is not grieving to find those good things and show them to you.”
“You are doing that admirably,” Lord Ridgecleff said. “I am sorry about your mother.”
“It was many years ago,” Natalie replied.
This was true, and yet, her mother’s death had far-reaching implications. Her father’s gambling which had led to this entire mess was due to his grief over the passing of his wife. Natalie would never have had to become engaged had her father not gambled away his land and fortune to Lord Pettifer. And Father would not have done that had Mother been alive.
But the pain of her mother’s death was something that she had grown used to. She missed Mother. But she was used to missing her. It was something to which she had grown accustomed. One could grow accustomed to almost anything, Natalie imagined.
Still, even though she knew the pain of losing a parent faded…she did hope that the earl would live. Lord Ridgecleff looked nothing short of distraught as he looked at his father.
The earl himself was sleeping somewhat peacefully. His breathing was labored. And he was quite pale. Natalie could see the sweat from the fever.
“I shall get him a cloth,” she said, standing up and crossing to the wash basin.
“If you truly insist on staying up with him,” she added, “at least get yourself a more comfortable chair, my lord.”
Lord Ridgecleff made a sound that might have been laughter. Natalie had to hide her smile. She was terribly fond of him. It made her heart ache.
He replaced the chair he had been sitting in with one of the heavier but more comfortable armchairs. Natalie picked up the book she had been trying to read when she’d fallen asleep.
“Let the distracting begin,” she told him with a smile.
He smiled back at her. He seemed genuinely pleased to have her there, although surprised.
Natalie figured he must be surprised. People who did not love someone were always surprised when the other person thought of them. They did not think of the other person and therefore, why should the other person think of them?
She shoved such unfortunate thoughts aside and began to read aloud.
After about half an hour, she felt a shift in the air of the room. She turned and saw that Lord Ridgecleff had fallen asleep in the chair.
She laughed quietly to herself. She would call the servants to have him carried to his room, but he would object to that. Neither did she dare wake him up. He needed the sleep.
Natalie got one of the throws from the foot of the bed and draped it carefully over him. Then she set the book aside, marking her place. She would read more of it to him in the morning.
Then she settled back in the chair. She dared not go to sleep again. Her inadvertent little nap had refreshed her and she did not feel at all like sleeping.
Besides, someone ought to keep watch, just in case.
She changed out the cloth on the earl’s forehead, dabbing away the sweat on his forehead.
The earl’s eyes opened, and she nearly dropped the cloth in surprise.
“My lord,” she whispered. She glanced over at Lord Ridgecleff, who was still asleep.
“Ah.” The earl smiled weakly. “Miss Natalie.”
She nodded. “Your son is asleep,” she told him. “You should be as well, my lord.”
The earl glanced over at his son. “He has been running himself ragged. You have not let him stay overlong at the ball
s, I hope?”
“My lord, he always wishes to leave before I do.” Natalie smiled. “I am the social one of the two of us.”
“I have a hard time believing that,” the earl replied. Natalie thought she detected traces of bitterness in his tone.
“My lord…if I might be so bold.” Natalie kept her voice low to avoid disturbing Lord Ridgecleff. “I think that you have underestimated your son.
“I did not appreciate him as much as I should have when we first met. Yet the things that I saw in him that I considered a detriment are, I think, the things that you would find valuable in him.
“I think that we have found a balance. And I have come to appreciate him. He is dedicated above all to his family and to his duty. He loves Mountbank with all of his heart. He cares naught for gossip or things said in ill thought, or without thought at all.
“He’s a responsible man. I did not appreciate that at first. But I have come to…”
Natalie took a deep breath. “I know it is…untoward. To speak of such things in bold language. But I have come to care for him for the very things that you think he lacks.
“He is responsible. He can even come across as lacking in entertainment because of it. He’s loyal. A gifted conversationalist.
“I think that…he is the most honorable man I have ever met. He has put up with such things from me…I know that you like me, my lord. And I am grateful for it. But I have at times behaved with impunity.
“Any lesser man would have given up on me. But he did not. He gave me another chance. And I—” Natalie took a deep breath. “I harbor feelings of the most gentle and intimate nature for your son. I think that you would come to have similar feelings, those tender feelings a father should have for his boy, if you were to but open your heart to them.”
The earl looked up at her, a spark of fondness in his eyes. “You are a daring one.”
“I have found I should not get far in life if I did not dare something,” Natalie replied.