by Ayles, Abby
But she waited. She sensed that he was not quite finished.
Lord Ridgecleff cleared his throat. She could see him visibly controlling himself and moving past the subject of his father.
He glanced away from her, and when his gaze drew back to her she saw that he was once again in control of himself.
“Circumstances had now changed. I was the earl proper now. My inheritance was not only secure, it was a moot point. I had already received it.
“This meant, of course, that I no longer needed to adhere to my father’s orders. He had threatened to change the will and papers regarding the estate but once I returned here with you he informed me that he had not yet done so.
“Without that threat hanging over my head, I was free to do as I wished regarding marriage. Which, in turn, meant that you were free.
“I resolved to speak to you about it as soon as the funeral arrangements were dealt with. I could not bear to do so while I was struggling to prepare for the aftermath of my father’s…passing.
“Especially when you were so kind. When you were extending yourself beyond anything expected of you. When you were already behaving as a member of the household. As its mistress.
“You cannot imagine the sheer joy that it gave me to see you behave so. Even dampened as it was by my utter conviction that you did not return my affection, it could not be completely snuffed out. Please believe me when I say you were my one comfort during this dark time.
“When I had to be strong for the sake of my father and my siblings, you seemed to know when I was weak. You knew what I needed. You were honest and delivered no pity. But you also continued to uphold that bit of joy.”
He smiled at her, warm and loving, and Natalie nearly burst into tears with happiness. He was looking at her with such unending love. Could it be that he had looked at her this entire time and she had not noticed?
She felt quite a foolish girl but oh, what a thing to be foolish over! It was so much better than the many other ways she had been foolish over the years and especially concerning him.
“I determined, then, that I had to let you go. I would find a time when all had quieted down. I would speak to you of the matter and encourage you to end the engagement so that you might find someone you could truly esteem.
“I knew the risk to yourself, of course. I fretted over that a great deal. If you had asked to stay by my side for security I would not have begrudged you for a moment. A lady must take care for herself and her future.
“I would have happily taken care of you. I would have been a loyal husband. Even if there was an unevenness in our regard for one another. I knew that you would never give me cause to regret our union. You would never make a laughingstock of me. Nor would you debase yourself, as some desperate women in unhappy marriages do.
“The choice would be entirely yours. But this decision was made in my mind the same way that your decision was made up in yours: without thinking to simply be honest with the other person.
“I was shown the error of my ways by my brother just now.”
“Your brother?” Natalie still did not know how Edward Ridgecleff came into the matter. He was the person at Mountbank with whom she had spent the least amount of time. How could he have read the pair of them so easily and swiftly?
“He told me that it was quite plain the measure of affection you held towards me,” Lord Ridgecleff explained with a small, amused smile. “And he warned me to ensure that you knew of your sacred place in my heart. It seemed he had picked up on how you feared I did not return your deep warmth of feeling.”
Natalie felt herself blushing. She couldn’t believe that she had been so obvious. Her fiancé’s brother, a man that she had only spoken to a few times, was able to figure out how she felt. She must have been wearing her heart on her sleeve this entire time.
“I should have been forthright with you in this,” Lord Ridgecleff said. “So much time has been wasted between us when we might have been united in our understanding.”
“You cannot blame yourself if I am not allowed to shoulder some of the responsibility as well,” Natalie replied.
“I cannot say that I know fully when I began to regard you as more than a mere person of respect. But it has been for some time. Louisa has been telling me that I ought to be honest with you and I am afraid I let fear rule me as you did.
“I was convinced that I had ruined any chance with you through my former childish behavior. I thought that any regard I saw was imagined. Or merely exaggerated by my own hopefulness.
“I was so certain that any chance with you was lost. I refused to listen to her and instead kept silent. If I had been honest with you…” Natalie smiled, embarrassed. “Perhaps all of this might have been avoided, as you said.”
“I admit I am in shock that you did not guess,” Lord Ridgecleff replied. “I thought that I was painfully obvious. That nothing could hide how I felt. When I was so incensed after the way those ladies spoke of you at the ball…I thought that you had to know.”
“Well, I can easily say that I thought the same. I thought my admiration for you was apparent. I thought you were keeping quiet merely to assist me in retaining my sense of self-respect.”
“I have the distinct feeling that the two of us were discussed by your sister and my brother,” Lord Ridgecleff told her, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. “She accompanied him on his walk yesterday.”
“Yes, I suggested it. Louisa is very good at lending a kind ear when one is in distress.” Natalie realized what Lord Ridgecleff was aiming at. “Do you mean to say that she spoke to him of my feelings? And he to her of his own suspicions?”
“I think so,” Lord Ridgecleff said. “In which case I suggest that we find some way to pay them back again for their machinations.”
“I would be all for such a thing, for you know I dearly love a laugh,” Natalie replied. “But I find I’m rather…oh, I shall sound like one of those ridiculous heroines in those novels. But I find I am too happy to mind.
“If your brother had not said anything, and I had offered to end the engagement…” Her breath stuttered.
“Yes. I would have thought it was the nail in the coffin of proof that you did not care for me.” Lord Ridgecleff looked torn between frustration and sadness. “I would have let you go.”
“And then we both would have been miserable for entirely no reason whatsoever,” Natalie said. Oh, how close they had both come to heartbreak. She really ought to order a gift or something for her…
Her soon-to-be brother-in-law. For they were still engaged. They would be married.
She looked up at Lord Ridgecleff. It felt as though her smile would take over her entire face. She possibly looked unstable because of it. “Then we are to stay engaged. We are to be married.”
“If you will have me despite my apparent idiocy,” Lord Ridgecleff replied. “And allow me to tell you now how deeply I have come to admire you.
“You have the ability to brighten my day and fill me with joy no matter how dark things may seem. You are far more practical than I had thought. More so than I think anyone else realizes.
“You sparkle at a ball. When I saw you—I thought I couldn’t breathe for a moment. I hated having to share you with the other men. Yet, at the same time, I loved how popular you were. I was proud to point you out and tell people, that is my future wife.”
Lord Ridgecleff? Proud of her? Proud to claim her? Natalie felt almost giddy with happiness. This was beyond what she had even hoped to have.
His voice grew soft, and impossibly fond. “I cannot even begin to explain to you the joy that you bring me. I have seen how you have chosen to alter your behavior and habits to fit in my life. And I hope that I have shown you the same deference.
“I have made a great failure in not showing you more of how I felt. I hope to rectify that and spend the next period of time until our wedding showing you in every conceivable fashion how blessed I feel to have you as my life partner.”
“Pe
rhaps I should have started to realize when you began to give me such lovely gifts,” Natalie replied. “And when you flirted with me at the ball. As if we were still courting.”
“I had realized that we had not truly had the time to court,” Lord Ridgecleff explained. “I thought that I might fix that. A friend pointed out that a lady likes to be reminded that she is desirable.”
“You did a very good job with that,” Natalie assured him. “Had I not been so convinced of my own lost chance I should have felt at once that you were in love with me.”
“It seems that we are both fools in love. It is fortunate that now we can be fools together.”
Natalie found that wetness was gathering in the corners of her eyes. She hastily tried to wipe it away. But Lord Ridgecleff’s face changed to one of dismay and she knew that he had noticed.
“Whatever is the matter?”
She shook her head. “I’m terribly sorry. It’s only that—well. I thought that I had no chance with you. I thought that this would be goodbye.
“And instead it is hello, so to speak.” She laughed at herself. “I’m a ridiculous girl for crying over such a thing as happiness. But I’m just so glad. I thought—and now—and I shall get all that of which I dreamed.”
“I would give you the world, if you dreamed of that,” Lord Ridgecleff replied.
He handed her a handkerchief and Natalie laughed, using it to wipe at her eyes. “Thank you.”
He held out his hand to her once she was finished. Natalie placed her hand in his without question. It felt natural to do so.
It felt natural for him to raise her hand to his mouth and lightly kiss the knuckles. It sent an electric thrill through her. He loved her. He loved her. She was a woman in love. A woman who was loved.
She wanted to laugh hysterically until her ribs ached. She wanted to dash into the house to find Louisa and scream girlishly with her. She wanted to sob with relief as all the fear and sadness she’d been holding back worked their way through her.
But there would be time for all of that, she supposed. Or at least most of that.
For now she rose up on her toes and, in the garden that would soon be hers, officially, she kissed him. Just the once, softly, gently.
Her hand was still caught up in his and he squeezed it. As if to reassure her that this was all real. As if to tell her that this wasn’t some dream or hoax. That they really got to have this.
She pulled away and caught his dazed smile as she did so. She could feel a dazed smile of her own. They must look like a pair of idiots to anyone who walked past.
But she didn’t care.
This was what all of those ridiculous poems and books talked about, Natalie thought. This was what she had seen between Louisa and Mr. Fairchild. Between Regina and her fiancé. Between Elizabeth and Mr. Denny on their wedding day.
And now she would get to have it as well.
She couldn’t think of a more wonderful thing than that.
Chapter 40
Edward knew the moment that John stepped into the room.
“I take it you two worked it out, then,” he said, smiling knowingly.
“Do I really appear that much changed?” John asked.
“You look like a man who has just come into sunlight and is dazzled by it,” Edward answered.
That was a rather apt description.
John inclined his head. “I spoke to the lady, as you suggested. I should have done so a long time ago, of course. It was childish of me to keep my thoughts to myself. And cowardly.
“But she has confirmed what you told me. That she felt affection for me and feared that it was not returned. And once I confessed that I was in the same position…
“Well. We had quite a moment of contemplation regarding our own folly, as you can well imagine.”
Edward crossed over to him, still smiling. “But you are in accord now at last?” he asked.
John nodded. “Yes. I’m sure that her sister is quite relieved.” He fixed his brother with a stern look. “I have a grave suspicion that you two conspired a bit behind our backs.”
Edward shrugged, clearly feeling no guilt on the matter. “She was very kind while I struggled through the subject of our terrible loss. At one point I mentioned that you at least had Miss Natalie to comfort you.
“Miss Louisa then confided in me how her sister felt. I confided that I had known you all of my life and knew when you had deep feelings for someone. I told her that I was certain her sister’s affections were returned.
“And so it was decided that we would mention it to each of you in the hopes that this whole issue might be resolved. We only wished for the two of you to be happy. I believe that I had a chance to speak to you before Miss Louisa could speak to her sister.
“But no matter. It has all worked out now.” Edward grinned at him boyishly. “And you may scold me all that you wish, brother. But now you and your lady are happy. I see no reason to regret my actions.”
“I suppose that putting you in charge of arranging for various items in the wedding will be punishment enough,” John countered. “Perhaps you would like to be the one in charge of purchasing flower orders?”
Edward laughed. “You cannot dissuade me from my good humor, John. I know that this is a trying time for all of us. But a wedding to plan as well as a funeral, it does take some of the sadness away. And Father would be proud of you.”
“I like to think so,” John said. He felt a pang of sadness in his chest at the thought of his father. He suspected that he would feel that for some time.
But it would lessen. He had seen enough people lose someone and learn to live with it. He knew that he would as well. It would just take time.
And until then, and after then, and all the time in between, Miss Natalie would be there.
No, just Natalie. His future wife. And she would call him John. They would be there for one another. Truly.
For the first time since he had gotten that letter from his father, John was optimistic about his future.
No—more than that.
He was looking forward to it. Embracing it.
Epilogue
Natalie did not like to brag.
Well, not anymore, anyway.
But she did like to think that she looked rather well in her wedding dress.
Bridget said so, anyway. She had come from the Continent with Lady Cora. Regina called the woman simply “Cora,” but Natalie had not gotten to know her as well just yet. She kept the ‘lady’ at the beginning.
“I’m proud of you,” Bridget told her as they prepared to have Natalie walk down the aisle.
She laid her hands on Natalie’s shoulders. “I think perhaps I have given you the impression that I am disappointed in you. Or that I did not care for you as much as the others.
“You are my darling sister the same as your siblings. I love you. And I am so very proud of how you have turned out and how you have handled this.”
Natalie cried just a little at that and had to wipe her face delicately with her handkerchief. Bridget smiled at her.
As did all of her other sisters.
Natalie had never been the one that they were proud of. Oh, Regina had been left alone as well. But she knew that none of them approved of her nature. Of her flirtations and behavior.
Now she had all four of them looking at her with pride and joy in their eyes.
It was almost more than she could bear—but in the best way.
“He does look very handsome,” Regina noted, looking over at where Lord Ridgecleff—John—stood, waiting for her.
Regina had grown to be much more outspoken and confident since her marriage. Natalie didn’t know what had changed her sister’s demeanor.
Perhaps it was knowing that there was someone out there who worshipped the ground she walked on, as her husband so clearly did. But Natalie found that she was genuinely glad for it. She wanted her sister to be happy.
Elizabeth was still the quieter, calmer version of herself. Na
talie had thought that perhaps it might be just a temporary thing. But she had truly softened after her time with Mr. Denny.
The letters that Natalie and Elizabeth had been exchanging opened up a new friendship between them. One that Natalie was extremely grateful for.
She and Emma had grown even closer. As Emma began to be properly courted by a few men, Natalie was grateful to be a guiding hand to her.
And Louisa was finally going to marry. Mr. Fairchild’s aunt had at last passed, leaving him his inheritance.
It had transformed her sister. Louisa was still soft and quiet, more content to talk quietly or listen than dance or play. But she glowed now.
Natalie had not realized how unhappy her sister was until she saw Louisa now, truly happy. She was smiling all of the time. She had more energy. Now that she could at last be with the man she loved it was like she had new life.
Natalie knew how she felt. Once she knew that John loved her in return…the very air felt cleaner. It felt easier to breathe. She was inclined to be kinder to everybody.
It was a wonderful thing, to love and be loved.
John’s face when he saw her walk up to join him at the altar made her breath catch in her throat.
He looked at her all the time now—or more likely he always had and she was only now seeing it. But he looked at her with such open adoration on his face.
He laughed easily at her jokes and teased her in return. He arranged for them to spend part of the year in London so that she might be social. He gave her gifts and told her how beautiful she looked.
And yet when he looked at her as she came to stand with him in the church it was as though he was seeing her for the first time.
She still remembered that moment. When they were at the masquerade ball and she had bumped into him by accident. They had locked eyes.
He had this look of awe on his face then. And the look that was on his face now was similar but had a layer of love to it. For now he was not simply stunned by a pretty girl. He was stunned by the woman he loved.