by April Lust
When we pulled away, I sighed. “I have to get up,” I said stiffly, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and sitting up. My clothes were in the other room, but I was loathe to walk around naked; once I’d done so in front of Jack and he’d beaten me black and blue for it, calling me a little exhibitionist slut.
“Hey,” Charlie said. His voice was softer this time. “What’s all this? What’s the big deal, huh? You were with a couple of assholes, is that it?”
I bit my lip and pulled the sheet off the bed, wrapping my body in the thin, scratchy cotton. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I said stiffly. “Excuse me.”
And without waiting for a reply, I darted into the living room and scouted around for my jeans and shirt. Our clothing left a trail that started over the threshold of the front door, and I reached down for my shirt and tugged it over my head. Already, I was regretting everything. My stomach felt like it had turned to ice and my heart was beating slowly in my chest. My skin felt cold and clammy, and every time I swallowed there was the taste of iron in my mouth. As I pulled on my jeans, hopping around the room so I wouldn’t fall, I heard a sharp sound behind me.
“Hey,” Charlie said. “What the fuck is all this? You come onto me hot, now you’re cold?” Naked, he leaned against the doorway, showing off his elegantly muscled body. “What the fuck is going on here?”
I shook my head quickly, my brown hair falling in tangles over my shoulder. “I told you,” I said stubbornly. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Chapter 8
Charlie
I stared at Nicolette in amazement. I didn’t fuckin’ understand – who was this chick? For one thing, I never shoulda fucked her. But oh well, that was obviously in the past at this point. And now she was acting like I was some kind of rabid dog, some kind of monster that wouldn’t leave her alone. I felt more confused than ever as I stepped forward and grabbed my jeans, sliding them on and zipping them up.
Nicolette watched me. She was all eyes, her arms wrapped around her body, hugging herself tightly. She bit her lip and I noticed that her eyes had filled with tears. I couldn’t help but smirk – just what the fuck was she thinking about? Jack? Was I not as good as the President of the Gods?
I rolled my eyes. “Look,” I said sharply. “I don’t know what happened in that little head of yours. And it’s not like coming changed anything, either – you came once before we fucked! I don’t mind being told to get out, but I wanna know, what the fuck is bothering you so goddamn much?”
Nicolette shook her head. “I can’t tell you,” she said softly. A tear rolled down her cheek and she reached up to wipe it away. When she moved her hand through the air, I saw she was trembling. But as soon as I stepped towards her, she jumped backwards like I’d somehow managed to burn her from four feet away.
“Girl,” I said sternly. “Chill the fuck out. We’re adults. Adults hook up sometimes, it happens.” I grinned, crossing my fingers behind my back. “It ain’t like we ever have to see each other again. Besides, I don’t even live around here.”
Nicolette swallowed. She shook her head again. “I can’t tell you,” she said. She closed her eyes and sighed, then looked up towards the ceiling. “I mean, I could tell you. But I really don’t want to. You’d think I’m a total freak.”
I sat down hard in one of her chairs and crossed my legs. “Try me,” I said. “I don’t usually think people are freaks. Even when they are,” I added, raising my eyebrows. “And especially not you. You’re acting fuckin’ weird as hell, but I don’t know, maybe you had a dog named Charlie or something when you were a little kid and you got real freaked out screamin’ my name back there.”
Nicolette’s jaw dropped and she gaped. “It’s nothing like that,” she said sharply, her brown eyes flashing fire. Again, I had to take in how drop-dead gorgeous she was: those big round eyes, the long brown silky hair. Her perfect, tight little body. Just watching her was making me hard again, and I had half a mind to drag her back in the bedroom and wipe that frown off her face for good.
“Then what is it?” I smirked. “Spill it, girly.”
Nicolette sighed. “My ex…” She said, trailing off.
I grinned. “You gonna tell me that you miss him now, that right?”
To my surprise, she shook her head quickly. “No,” Nicolette said. “No, it’s not that at all.” She took a deep breath. “He used to beat me,” she said slowly. “After sex, usually, but then all the time after we’d been together for a few years. And I….” She trailed off, her breath catching in that lovely, swan-like neck of hers. “And I don’t really know what to do. I’ve never been in a normal situation before. I’ve never just….hung out with someone after sex.” She swallowed again, harder this time. “It feels weird.”
I blinked. I hadn’t exactly been expecting her to say that. Back in Carlsbad, I’d made sure that Jack and Nicolette’s relationship had been none of my business. If any of the Gods had interfered, Jack would have killed us on the spot. That wasn’t the kind of thing I wanted happening to me, and it definitely wasn’t the kind of thing I wanted to see happen to Nicolette. And yet, here we were.
“I’m sorry,” Nicolette said quickly. “I mean, I know it’s weird, right! For some girl to start talking about her freakshow of an ex-boyfriend right after you sleep with her.” She bit her lip and glanced down at her feet. The sheet from her bed was still wrapped around her perfect little body and I watched carefully as she shifted to see if any skin would be exposed. “I’m sorry,” Nicolette repeated. “I really am.”
I shrugged, grinning. “No skin off my back,” I said. I frowned. I’d always thought Jack’s bark was worse than his bite. I didn’t want to think about the alternative, about what would happen to Nicolette when I brought her back to Carlsbad, gift-wrapped and ready for Jack. He’d threatened her, sure, but I thought that was all talk. After all, so much of being an Iron God was the walk. So much was the swagger, the pretense of being the most masculine man in the world. I’d never thought about us as actual bad guys, despite the heroin and guns and all the rest of the drugs. I’d just always thought we were on a different wavelength from everyone else.
Maybe it had been my upbringing. Maybe, I’d never seen a real, normal relationship. It would have been what my high-school shrink called “modeling.” Like, I’d never seen two people who loved each other who didn’t threaten violence at some point.
It was just part of how things were.
“I have to ask you to leave,” Nicolette said quickly. “I’m really sorry, but I don’t think I can do this. I can’t keep talking,” she added. “You have to go,” she repeated. “I can’t do this; I can’t see you.” Her voice broke and she buried her face in her hands. “You have to leave,” she said once more, in a muffled tone.
I stood up form the chair and pulled my shirt on, tugging it down to cover my belly. “Fine,” I snapped. “I’m fuckin’ out of here, you damn bipolar bitch. The next time you decide you want some real fun, call me.”
I turned heel and stormed out of Nicolette’s place. I’d driven here – I’d followed her car from the library – and even though I knew I had no reason to be angry, I kicked the side of her house so hard that relentless pain exploded in my foot. “God damn it!” I yelled loudly, striding out into the driveway and kicking the gravel everywhere.
None of this was going the way I’d planned. Not at fuckin’ all.
Instead of moping, I got behind the wheel of my car and drove back into town. I couldn’t stop thinking of Nicolette – how she’d come on so hot and heavy at the library, then kicked me out of bed before I’d even gotten a chance to fuck her a second time. It was fuckin’ ridiculous.
There was another thing bothering me, too. Nicolette was going to tell Jack I’d fucked her. I could just sense it from the fear in her eyes. As soon as I brought her kicking and screaming back to Carlsbad, I had a feeling she’d spill everything. My lips set into a grim line as I realized how angry she was going to be when
she realized who I was. I wanted to blame it on her, call her stupid and unobservant. After all, if she’d fuckin’ paid attention to any of the Steel Gods before, she would have known exactly who I was. But evidently she’d never looked at my face. And I wasn’t stupid enough to wear my Steel Gods patches on this little “errand.”
I slipped into the same bar where I’d drank the previous day. It was just as empty as it had been before. The anger and dissatisfaction were still swarming around in my veins as I slid onto a stool. God damn it, I thought. I didn’t even get to enjoy a good fuck because of your goddamn guilt. And now I gotta take you back to Carlsbad, kicking and screaming, knowing that I got to fuck you.
“What’ll it be, sugar?”
“Whiskey,” I said, holding up three fingers. “And don’t fuckin’ skimp,” I added sharply. “I’ve had one hell of a day and I don’t expect you to gyp me.”
The bartender laughed. I was partially relieved – back in Carlsbad, I coulda gotten thrown out of a bar for talking shit like that. She shook her head. “Girl problems?”
I didn’t answer as she poured me a generous serving of whiskey. After I’d knocked the liquid fire down my throat and held out the glass for more, I licked my lips.
“That girl, Nicolette,” I said, trying to keep my voice as casual as I could. “What’s she like? She been around here long?”
“Only about a month or so…” The bartender trailed off. Her eyes cast a skeptical glance at me. “She’s real quiet, and she’s not much of a drinker.” She leaned over the bar and stage-whispered, “I think she got out of a real bad relationship, some shit like that. She told me one time that she never wanted to depend on a man for anything else in her entire life.”
I blinked. “Right,” I said slowly. “So you don’t think she’s lookin’ for a new man, do you?”
The bartender glared at me. I felt a buzzing in my pocket and reached down to grab my phone with one hand, holding the other up in the air to let her know I couldn’t talk right now.
My stomach sank when I saw the caller ID. It was Jack. I wondered if he already knew we’d fucked, if she’d called him and told him right away. Paranoid, panicked thoughts started rushing through my brain and I blinked. What if this whole thing was a set-up, I wondered. What if she only fucked me because Jack somehow wants me out of the Gods? What if she didn’t really run away, what if she only pretended to leave to test me? What if this whole damn thing was a test, set up by Jack?
“Hello?” I cleared my throat. “I mean, hello?”
Jack laughter. “You’re a real ass, Waters,” he snapped. “I’ve been trying to call for days and not once do you answer. Where the fuck is she?”
I sighed. “The reception here isn’t that great,” I lied. The bartender was watching me, and suddenly I had the curious feeling that she knew everything that was going on. After setting a ten-dollar bill on the bar, I walked away to the corner of the bar and cupped my hand around my mouth.
“Well? Did you find the little cunt? You bringing her home?”
“Yeah, I found her,” I said. And I fucked her good. She’s a good lay, Jack. I can see why you want her back ASAP. “I’m leaving soon,” I said. “I gotta catch her at a good time.”
Jack snorted. “She’s a dumb shit, there is no bad time,” he said. “She’s as fuckin’ stupid as a chicken with no head. Just throw a bag over her head and put her in the damn car.”
A heavy, uneasy feeling settled over me, but I couldn’t begin to explain why. “I’m following her around,” I said. “I’ll be able to grab her good in the next day or two.”
Jack made a dismissive sound with his lips. “You’d better,” he said sharply. “You wait until she goes inside somewhere, then fuck with that damn car she stole so it won’t start. You think you can handle that, asshole?”
I nodded, even though he wasn’t there to see me. “Yeah,” I said darkly. “I got it.”
“Good,” Jack said. His tone had turned nasty, and I could picture the evil smile stretching his lips apart. “You’d better bring her back in one piece, Waters. I want first crack at that bitch.” He laughed. “Then who knows. Maybe I’ll throw her to the goddamn dogs.”
Before I could reply, he hung up.
Chapter 9
Nicolette
The whole rest of the day, I stayed in bed. Part of me wished Charlie would come back, insist I talk to him, insist I come out with the whole sordid story. I could almost picture myself smiling ironically, telling him I came from a little town called Carlsbad on the west coast of California. He’d probably think that was rich – I didn’t know where he was from, but mentioning California always made people a little excited.
Instead, I took a long shower and tried to read some of the magazines my landlord had left lying around the cottage. They were all old and dated, things like Glamour and Cosmopolitan from three or four years ago. I blinked as I flipped through one of them. There was an article: “How to Keep Your Man Happy!” and I felt my lips twist into a bitter, ironic grin as I read through the list of items. They were all things like: “Lose weight! Give good blowjobs! Always remember to ask how his day went!”
If I hadn’t done all of that and more for Jack, I’d be dead on my feet.
My lower belly ached, and I realized that sooner or later, I was going to have to make a decision about the baby. I pulled out my phone and started looking up clinics. After working at Stephens & Coolidge for less than a month, I only had a couple hundred dollars saved up. But that had to be enough for something, right?
Finally, I found a Planned Parenthood on the outskirts of town and made an appointment for the following weekend. The girl I spoke with on the phone sounded friendly and confident, something that somehow made me feel worse about the whole damn deal. How was I going to walk in there, a baby in my belly, and tell them to get rid of it? How was I going to manage that?
The rest of the week passed in a blur. I went to work – Brenda was nosy as ever – and tried to keep my head down. It was as hard as ever to stay focused, and sometimes I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to. After all, I wanted all of this to be over. Sometimes, I found myself crying in the bathroom for hours at a time. This is all my fault, I’d tell my swollen-eyed reflection, biting my lip and glaring fiercely at myself. And if I hadn’t been such an idiot, I never would have wound up with someone who beat me black and blue.
Finally, Saturday morning rolled around. Fall was coming to Durango. It felt different than it had back at home. Crisper, chiller. I realized that if I stayed in Durango for the winter, I was going to need a lot of new clothes. Coming from California, I hadn’t even brought closed-toe shoes. As I glanced up at the grey sky, I felt a shiver of hesitation.
The clinic was on the outskirts of town, in an office park with a red brick exterior and a flat, sloping roof that was typical of the Colorado architecture. As I parked the car, I glanced around, half afraid that Jack would be there, waiting for me with a gun in his hand, ready to threaten me.
There was no one there, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched.
“Hi there,” a receptionist said brightly. Her nametag read ‘Clarice.’ “Do you have an appointment with us?”
Without speaking, I slid my ID across the counter. “I do,” I said. “My name is Nicolette…Nicolette McDonald. I called on the phone, earlier this week.”
“Okay,” Martha said. She handed me a clipboard stacked with papers. “I just need you to fill these out, and then someone will call you back.” She smiled at me.
I walked over to one of the unoccupied chairs, tucked my purse between my legs, and started filling out the papers. There were more than I expected – in addition to a medical history, it also asked about my sex life. Number of partners, times I’d been tested for sexually transmitted infections in the past. I blushed, not wanting to reveal everything. Even though there was a sign on the wall that read: “This is a safe space,” I didn’t feel safe. I could only imagine Jack storming
inside with his angry biker men behind him, ready to kidnap me, kill me, and leave me in a ditch somewhere on the roadside.
They took forever to call me back. I’d been sitting for an hour, so long that my ass was numb. More than once, I’d contemplated leaving. Finally, a nurse in blue scrubs came out. She was wearing a friendly smile, and had long blonde hair pushed back with a pink barrette.
“Nicolette? We’re ready for you,” she said with a kind smile. “Come on back.”
I felt another sharp wave of nervousness as I stepped up and followed her into a back room.
She pointed towards a chair where a paper gown lay. “Go ahead and get changed,” the nurse said. “I’ll be waiting on the other side of the door. Just holler when you’re ready.”