“Regret?” I said, laughing wildly. I opened the door and pushed Julian into the hallway. “The only thing I regret is being with your dumb ass when there’s another man out there who really loves me.” I wiped of tears from my eyes—they would be the last. “Goodbye, Julian,” I said.
It took every bold bone I had in my body to knock on Kyle’s door. While I was afraid of making a complete ass of myself, I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t let Kyle know how I felt and apologize to him again. After I kicked Julian out, I’d sat down in the living room of the suite and thought about all the things that happened had between me and Kyle. I realized that ever since the day I’d met him, he’d been a blessing in my life. Kyle was very good to me—better than Julian had ever been. And while I knew I had feelings for him, I was afraid to let them be known because my mind was cloudy with my desire to be with Julian. I’d been a fool for so long, but I wasn’t going to be anymore.
After standing in the hallway for about three minutes, contemplating what I was going to say to Kyle, I finally knocked on the door. There was silence, and just as I was about to turn to walk away, thinking he’d left to go back to New York, the door opened and there he was.
“Hello,” Kyle said flatly.
“Hey.” I pushed my hands into my pockets. He was fully dressed and I could see his bag sitting on the table behind him. “Shipping out?”
“Yeah. I’m on my way to the airport.”
“Okay,” I said. “I was wondering if I could come in and chat for a minute.”
“Okay.” Kyle turned and left me standing at the door. Following behind him, I realized that it was the first time I’d ever seen his back. He was usually standing next to me, smiling and laughing at some silly joke, or walking behind me, making sure I was okay.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about last night, Kyle,” I said, feeling like I should turn around and leave.
“You already said that.” Kyle slipped his Bible into the bag.
“Well, I feel like I need to say it again.”
“No need to repeat yourself; I can hear pretty well,” he said coldly.
“Okay,” I managed. I sat down on the couch and Kyle turned to look at me for the first time. It was one of those Who the hell told you to sit down? looks. “And I also wanted to thank you for coming here to help me. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t here.” I played nervously with my hands.
“Yeah, you said that, too.”
“I know but—”
“Look, Troy, why are you here?” Kyle asked, interrupting me. “Just tell me that so I don’t have to play any more of your games.”
“Julian left.” I looked toward the window.
“Oh, that’s it? He left you again and now you want to play friends with me. I see. Well, you’re a little too late, Troy. My plane leaves in two hours.”
“No, that’s not it,” I said. “I meant to say I kicked him out. It’s over between the two of us. I broke it off.”
“Good for you.”
“Well, that’s not all. After I kicked him out, I started thinking about you, about us.” I looked at Kyle.
“A little too late for that, too. Don’t you think?” He shook his head at me.
“No,” I said. “I don’t think it’s too late.”
“Well, I do. I’m not your consolation prize.” Kyle turned his back to me again. I could hear him zipping his bag. “Troy, I’m not a violent man,” he said, keeping his back to me. “I don’t swear and I never have ill feelings toward anyone.” He turned to face me and I could see his eyes were red. “But after that thing in your room, I was so angry, so mad at myself for allowing you to treat me like that…For the first time in many years I was so mad that I felt that I was capable of hitting someone. Do you know what that’s like for a man like me? Do you have any idea what that means?”
“No.”
“Exactly.” Kyle exhaled. “See, that seems to be the thing about you, Troy, never able to see how other people feel, always thinking about yourself. Well, just so you know, it means a lot. I spent all last night in prayer. I sat up here trying to block out all of the pain I felt when I realized that the only woman I’ve ever loved wasn’t able to love me back. Do you know what that’s like?” Kyle’s words stung me. I wanted to kiss him, hold him, and make him feel better, but with every word that came out of his mouth, I felt him drifting farther and farther away from me.
“I’m sorry, Kyle.” I began to cry. Kyle sat down on the couch beside me.
“What’s today, Troy?” he asked softly. He looked straight ahead at the wall in front of us.
“Sunday?”
“Where am I supposed to be on Sunday?”
“The church,” I answered, wishing I hadn’t said anything. I hadn’t even realized that Kyle was missing his service.
“Never once have I missed one of my services.” Kyle paused. “I wondered for a long time what it would feel like to be in love—how it felt on the inside. How it felt to have that puppy love that makes you do crazy things—in spite of yourself. I’d preached about it, even counseled on it, but I’d never felt it. I’d spent so long focusing on my obligations that I felt that it would never come, that I’d never know what it was like to love someone…in that way. Then I heard your voice on the phone the other day. I heard how sad you were and in that very second, I knew I had to be with you. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to hear you laugh and see you smile and I was willing to do whatever it took to do that. After I called my deacon to fill in for me, I realized that that’s what love is. It’s about wanting the ultimate happiness for someone else—how you make me feel in here,” he said, pointing to his heart. “I love you in here, Troy. And that’s different than anything I’ve ever felt.” He paused. “But I can’t allow you to hurt me. I flew all the way out here just to impress you, to show you how much I loved you. I spent a lot of money I didn’t have. Last night you made me feel like a fool.” Kyle got up from the couch. “But do you know what I realized this morning? The funny thing is I’d do it all again.” Kyle opened the room door. “But only for a woman who could appreciate it.”
“Kyle, I do appreciate you. You’re the kindest man I’ve ever known and I don’t want to lose you. I want to be with you,” I cried. Kyle held his hand over his mouth and closed his eyes.
“I can’t do this, Troy,” he said with his voice cracking. “I can’t make the same mistake twice.” Kyle looked at me. I could see tears gathering in his eyes. “I need you to leave,” he said, stepping away from the door. “Goodbye.”
Tasha was walking out of Tamia’s room when I got off of the elevator at the hospital.
“Tasha,” I said, rushing toward her. “I’m so sorry—”
“I don’t want to talk about it here.” She stopped me. “I’m fine right now. I just want to make sure Tamia’s okay.”
“How did you know?” I asked.
“The people at the hotel told me she was here.”
“I tried to call you but—”
“Troy,” Tamia called weakly from the room.
“Hey, baby,” I said, walking in with Tasha behind me. “I see you’re awake now. You had us all so worried about you.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Girl, please, I think we’re all just happy you’re okay,” I said, looking across the bed at Tasha. We both took Tamia’s hands.
“I just want to say one thing about yesterday,” Tasha said. “I thought a lot about it and I understand what you guys were trying to do, but I will have to deal with it in my own time.”
“That’s fine,” Tamia said.
“We understand,” I added.
“We really have to stick together now, y’all,” Tasha said. “A lot of things are happening and I just realized…” She started crying. “I just realized that I need y’all now more than ever. We all need each other.”
I reached over Tamia to hug Tasha.
“What about me?” Tamia said. “I nee
d love too. I’m the one who’s sick here.” We laughed and bent down to hug Tamia too.
“Well, I don’t know about y’all but I am so ready to get back home,” Tasha said, turning to open the blinds in Tamia’s room. “L.A. is full of drama, and y’all know I hate drama.”
Tamia and I looked at each other.
“Yeah, right,” we said together.
“I’m just saying, it seems like this city tried to tear the 3Ts apart—one by one—but we’re still standing.”
“Exactly,” I said. “As soon as Ms. Thang here gets better, we’ll be back on track.” I looked at Tamia.
“You know, Troy, it seems like you’re the only one Los Angeles didn’t get to,” Tamia said, laughing. “I almost died, Tasha went wandering the streets like a crazy woman, but nothing happened to you.”
“You have no clue,” I said sadly.
“What?” they said together. “What happened?”
“Kyle was here, Julian was here…It was a mess. And then they both left.”
“Really? How did all of that happen in one day?” Tamia squealed, easing up in the bed.
“I wish I knew,” I replied.
“Oh Lord,” Tasha said, pulling a chair over to the bed. “I can tell this is going to be a long story.”
It’s a New Day
Fall is the calmest season in the city that never sleeps. Everything in New York, from the air around you to the leaves fighting to stay above you seems to slow down. Things willfully adjust from the unpredictable heat of the summer to the peaceful, reflective times of the fall. And while it appears that everything has died by winter, when spring arrives you realize that they were just moving from one stage of life to the next. During the fall they were transforming into something stronger that could last through the winter and preparing to be reborn in the new year.
Looking at the trees along Fifth Avenue, as I headed to the fall pageant at Kids in Motion, I thought about how my life was changing like the city in fall. It had been three months since my now-famous trip to Los Angeles, and I’d learned so much about myself and everyone around me.
After Kyle left, I felt so bad about how I’d treated him that I began to really look at myself in a whole new way. I reflected on everything I had been through, both in my relationship and with my family and friends. I thought long and hard about the things and people I placed so much stock in.
What I came to see was that while much of what Kyle had said about me at the hotel was out of anger, he was right about one thing—I wasn’t really, really listening to the needs of everyone around me. And Kyle wasn’t the only person who was suffering because of it. From my mother to Tasha, the people closest to me were trying to reach out to me for love and help. And I was so busy with my own life and what I wanted to focus on that I wasn’t able to see what they wanted—what they needed from me.
I started with my family. It was hard, but after much coaxing, I was finally able to get my mother and Grandma Lucy to attend therapy with me. While they continued to say they didn’t see how it would help up until we were actually in our first session, it seemed that the act of sitting and talking in a controlled environment was exactly what they needed all along. “I’ve been hurting for a long time. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over some of the things my own mother put me through as a child…don’t know if I’ll ever be able to discuss them openly with anyone,” Grandma Lucy said one day in a session. This revelation had a strong affect on my mother. For the first time she was really able to see my grandmother as a true victim—someone as hurt by the situation as she had been. She’d made excuses for Lucy in the past, but she admitted that it was out of pity, her trying to reason with what was going on. She’d never really wanted to understand Grandma Lucy. “I’ll never forgive you for lying to my father,” my mother admitted one day with tears in her eyes. Grandma Lucy’s eyes grew sad as she fell back in her seat and recalled aloud for the first time how and why she did what she’d done. Apparently, it was just another fear that kept her from truly revealing to the world how she felt about my mother’s real father. She’d loved both men—my white grandfather probably more because of his color—but never saw my mother’s real father as a plausible option for marriage because he wasn’t white. She shook her head and looked down at the veins lacing the insides of her palms. “I’d been taught it was all about this,” she said, turning her veins to us. “All I heard throughout my life was that only a white man could give me what I needed. The lighter I got my family, the better off we would be. I hated the idea of it, but it was all I knew so I had to believe it. I loved Oscar, but it just couldn’t be.” Neither my mother nor I cried with Lucy that day. Instead, for the first time, we sat on either side of her and simply encircled her in an embrace. We were far from resolving the problems, but looking into Lucy’s eyes and seeing my mother grow stronger made it clear that we were on the right path.
Now, getting somewhere with Kyle was a different story. He refused all of my calls and said he never wanted to see me again. One day during a surprise visit to his church, I tried to speak to him, to tell him I was changing, but he said that while he was happy I’d found some good in the situation, he was still dealing with it and that he wasn’t ready to talk to me just yet.
I really couldn’t blame him for his feelings. He’d been through a lot because of me. I’d known exactly how Kyle felt about me the entire time we hung out. From the flowers at the restaurant to the rescue mission in Los Angeles, I had known how much Kyle liked me. But I was willing to ignore it as long as I got what I wanted.
I didn’t realize how much I really cared for Kyle until over a month after we’d stopped speaking. When I returned from Los Angeles, I began to put most of my time into my internship at the court and preparing the girls in my dance class for the pageant. One day after a long rehearsal at the settlement, I decided to treat the girls to ice cream. As all sixteen of us sat in the park licking our ice cream cones, laughing and enjoying the last bit of summer sun, I felt like a kid again. Shanika sat down on the grass next to me and smiled. “You should’ve invited your boyfriend,” she said, giggling. At first I wondered who she was talking about, then I remembered the day Kyle had surprised me by stopping by the center. I remembered the look on his face and how happy he’d made both Shanika and me. Then I wished Kyle was there, too. He’d probably tell the girls some long story his grandfather had told him when he was younger. I smiled back at Shanika and kissed her on the forehead. “You’re right. I should’ve invited him,” I said.
Tamia was standing in front of Kids in Motion when I pulled up. She’d recovered fully after she got out of the hospital. It was discovered that she had some swelling in her heart that was similar to her mother’s illness, but with treatment she was expected to live a long life. She’d stopped taking the pills and both she and her father were in counseling.
“Hey, dance teacher,” she said, peeking into the car as I tried to park.
“You’re early,” I replied, climbing out. I hugged Tamia and looked up to see the banner Mr. Bearden’s art class had designed for the pageant hanging on the side of the building. IT’S A NEW DAY, it read in brown letters painted like tree branches. “It sure is,” I thought, heading into the settlement beside Tamia.
“I just wanted to make sure I got here on time,” Tamia said. “I know how you can get when it comes to the kids.”
“Well, I’m just happy I have someone here to help me get these girls into their costumes.” I opened the door to the studio. “Nana Rue and Grandma Lucy designed them and they’re a diva mess.” I pulled one of the jumpsuits out of the closet to show Tamia. “Pink fur and black satin.” I grinned.
“These are adorable.” Tamia took the hanger. “They’ll love them.”
“I’m sure they will.”
“Well, what did you expect having Donatella Versace and Eartha Kitt on the costume committee?” Tamia laughed, talking about Nana Rue and Grandma Lucy. “You put them together and you know something…fur�
�and…satin is going to come out of it.”
“You’re crazy.”
“But I’m right.”
A few students came in and Tamia handed them their costumes.
“So did you invite him?” Tamia asked, looking at me.
“‘Him’ who?”
“Don’t play stupid with me.” She rolled her eyes.
“If you’re talking about Kyle, the answer is no,” I said, zipping up one of the girls. She turned around and I put my thumb up. She looked so cute. I was happy Nana Rue and Grandma Lucy had agreed to design and pay for the costumes. Most of the girls couldn’t afford them. Nana Rue had adopted the class after I took them to see her play. After the performance the girls begged to go backstage to meet the lady with the beautiful voice. When they crowded into her dressing room, showering her with praise and kisses and compliments, Nana Rue fell in love. “You are all me,” she said, hugging each one of them tight. “You are all my girls.” From that point on, she, along with Grandma Lucy, whom she’d recruited for the project, hung out with the girls during every class session. They claimed they thought it was good for the girls, but really I thought it was good for the grandmothers too.
“Why didn’t you call him, Troy?” Tamia handed me another costume.
“Because he doesn’t want to speak to me. How many times do I have to tell you?”
“How do you know that?”
“Okay, maybe I discovered it somewhere between the eighty some-odd phone calls of mine he’s refused. No, maybe it was when he kicked me out of his hotel room in Los Angeles. No, when he refused to talk to me at the church.” I waved at Tamia. “Are you reading me now? Are you reading me?”
“You give up too easily, Troy.”
“What? Is this the woman who hated the Take Her Man Plan, now talking about not giving up on something you want?” I laughed.
“I was against that, but that was because it was for a man who didn’t deserve you in the first place. This one does and he’s worth fighting for,” Tamia said seriously. “That’s what you have to ask yourself, Troy. ‘What’s worth fighting for?’”
Take Her Man Page 27