The Day the Ear Fell Off

by T. M. Alexander

  ‘You obviously don’t get it, Bee. Anything goes.’

  ‘I don’t see how a list of mad ideas is going to help,’ I said.

  ‘Same,’ said Copper Pie.

  ‘Same,’ said Jonno, grinning. Nobody except Fifty says ‘same’.

  Fifty flung his arms out and wailed, ‘Why am I surrounded by idiots?’

  ‘Same,’ said Jonno, flinging his arms out.

  ‘Same,’ said Bee and Copper Pie at the same time.

  It was quite funny, but laughing isn’t the answer to anything.

  Fifty ignored them. ‘After we make a list of every possible and impossible solution to our problem, we go through the list and discuss them all until we find one that works.’

  ‘Right,’ I said. ‘At lunch I’ll bring out some paper and we’ll do Fifty’s brainstorm. We’ll write down all the ideas and no one’s allowed to criticise . . .’ (Copper Pie made a you’re-a-bossy-secretary face) ‘. . . or make faces.’

  ’Even if it’s a lunatic idea?’ said Bee.

  ‘Even then,’ I said.

  ‘And when we’ve finished the list we’ll go through and see which ones are any good. Understood?’ Fifty said. He was starting to act like his mum. Scary!

  Lots of nodding.

  ‘Good. Sorted.’

  It’s a good job we were sorted because Callum wandered over.

  ‘I thought I’d have a look around,’ he said. ‘See if I can come up with some suggestions for what to turn your dump into.’

  Copper Pie stepped in front of him, barring his way. Oh no! Here we go again, I thought.

  ‘I don’t think the Head would be very pleased to hear that a Year 6 gang were blocking the way into the area she’s asked us to have a look at,’ said Callum.

  Smarmy, bigheaded twit.

  ‘It’s all yours,’ said Bee, smiling as she linked arms with Copper Pie and ambled into the playground.

  Fifty and I followed.

  ‘Be careful of the stag beetles,’ said Jonno. ‘The females have got a nasty nip.’

  ‘Loser,’ said Callum.

  Jonno peered over his glasses, which is his favourite look. ‘No need to be like that, Callum. I was trying to stop you from getting a bruise from some meaty mandibles.’

  Jonno’s so good at that. He always answers in a way that you could never say was rude or even unfriendly. He was the same when Copper Pie was trying to kill him. Always calm. Always sort of sure of himself somewhere inside, where it matters. I’m going to practise being like that.

  My dear Flo, I’m very sorry that you thought I said you could borrow my remote-controlled tank. If I was going to lend it to anyone, you would be top of the list but for now it’s not available for lending.

  Mum, I’m sure that by asking me to be in bed, lights out, at nine you’re trying to do the best for me, but I can only sleep when I feel tired and nine isn’t a tired time for me. But thank you anyway.

  ‘Miss Walsh.’ Callum’s hand was up the minute we walked into class. ‘Miss Walsh, you know the Head told us about the tree-felling planned for the horrible corner by the netball courts?’

  ‘Yes, Callum.’

  ‘I’ve had a good idea, Miss. We could make a vegetable and herb garden and the kitchen could use the stuff we grow for our lunches.’

  Someone smother him, the creep.

  Unfortunately his suggestion ticked all the right boxes:

  The ‘improve school dinners’ box,

  The ‘locally grown veg’ box,

  The ‘learning where our food comes from’ box,

  The ‘we could start a gardening club’ box.

  ‘That would be an excellent use of wasted space.’ (Wasted space? How dare she?) ‘Well done, Callum. I’ll mention it to the Head.’ She turned round to put Callum’s name under the tick column on the blackboard.

  ‘Excuse me, Miss, the suggestions are meant to come through the school council member, which is me,’ said Lily.

  Bee winked at her. She was obviously on our side.

  ‘We can both pass on the idea then,’ said Miss Walsh. ‘Such an excellent idea deserves double the amount of attention.’

  Doomed. Our patch was going to be overtaken by sage and parsley.

  an opportunity knocks

  The brainstorm was lots of whipping wind but no roofs blown off. I don’t know why but we can never have a proper talk about anything. As Bee predicted, it ended up with jokes about nappies and mashed potato. This time we got sidetracked on to what we’d take with us if we were going to sit under the trees for a week and refuse to budge from our patch (which we’re not).

  Lily interrupted us. ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hi.’ That was Fifty.

  ‘Hello.’ That was me.

  ‘Greetings, friend.’ That was Bee.

  (Lily is the only girl that Bee’s friendly with. She needs at least one mate that’s a girl or she’d never have a partner to do girl things with at school. Bee asked if Lily could join Tribe, but it’s quite a commitment to be a proper member – you know, meetings and stuff – and your loyalties have to be to Tribe and no one else. Lily’s pretty friendly with Grace so we said no.)

  ESSENTIAL SUPPLIES FOR A SIT-IN

  KEENER: Hammock, pillow, torch, books, bacon, Copper Pie (for protection).

  JONNO: His glasses, binoculars, really warm socks.

  FIFTY: His largest firesteel, penknife (to make kindling), pink marshmallows.

  COPPER PIE: Sausages, Trumpet hidden in his sleeping bag.

  BEE: Diary, air freshener (too many boys in small spaces are smelly), earplugs (in case Fifty sings), scarecrow – to stop birds landing on her when she’s asleep.

  ‘I’ve had an idea that might help you out,’ said Lily.

  ‘Well, spill,’ said Bee.

  ‘You know I’m the class rep on the school council?’

  ‘Yes,’ we all said, keen to hear what miracle she was about to reveal.

  ‘Well, I don’t really want to be on it any more, so I thought if I resigned and one of you took my place, you might be able to persuade the rest of the council to keep the trees and then you’d keep your den.’

  ‘Thanks, Lily,’ said Fifty. ‘Nice of you to think of us. What do you think, Tribers?’ He didn’t sound very hopeful. I didn’t feel very hopeful.

  ‘It’s bound to help having someone on the council. At the very least we’ll hear what’s going on before the rest of the school,’ said Bee.

  ‘Agreed,’ I said.

  ‘Same,’ said Fifty.

  ‘Is it that easy to get on?’ said Jonno. ‘Can you just suggest yourself?’ Sometimes I forget Jonno’s a new boy. He seems to have been here forever.

  ‘No,’ said Copper Pie. ‘We’re meant to vote people on but it’s usually a fix – teachers always manage to fill the places with keeners.’ He looked at me. ‘Sorry, Keener. Nothing personal.’ And then he looked at Lily. ‘Sorry, Lily. Not your fault you get picked . . . every year.’

  ‘Zip it, Copper Pie. You’re not helping,’ said Bee.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said Lily, ‘I’d rather be a keener than a b— b— biffer.’

  I think she was going to say ‘bully’ but you have to be careful. In our school it’s worse than a swear word.

  ‘I can think of a way Miss Walsh might agree to put a Triber on the council,’ I said.

  ‘Go on then, Keener,’ said Jonno.

  ‘Lily, you could say that you thought it would be nice to let Jonno have a go because he’s new and it would help him settle in.’

  Good idea, I thought, even though it was me who said it.

  ‘Not a bad idea, Keener,’ said Bee.

  ‘OK. I’ll try,’ said Lily. ‘And if it works, maybe you could persuade the council to suggest we eat our packed lunches outside again?’ (We have to eat them in the canteen because of all the litter we left behind in the playground.)

  ‘Don’t see why not,’ said Bee. ‘But you’ve been on the council for ages, why didn’t you ask?’
>
  Lily bit her lip and looked upwards and sideways. ‘I did, but nobody agreed with me. They all sided with Minnie who said people should eat school lunches.’

  (Minnie’s in the other class. She wears black stuff on her nails. Her brother’s in Flo’s class. They have free dinners like Bee.)

  ‘Oh,’ said Bee. ‘Right. Well, I suppose we could try again?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Thanks, Lily,’ said Bee.

  ‘Yeah, thanks. Really big thanks.’ Methinks Copper Pie was trying to make it up to her.

  ‘Same,’ said Fifty, smiling his toothpaste-ad smile.

  ‘Toodle-oo,’ Lily said and was gone.

  ‘I know. I know.’ Copper Pie could tell we were all about to lay in to him.

  ‘She comes over to help and you call her a keener,’ said Bee. ‘Honestly, Copper Pie, you’re rude and you’re stupid.’

  ‘Steady on, Bee. He’s not rude . . . only stupid,’ said Fifty.

  ‘Ha ha,’ said Copper Pie.

  ‘And how do you think you made Keener feel?’ Bee wasn’t giving up.

  ‘There’s a big difference between being a keener and being Keener,’ said Copper Pie.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘There’s no a in Keener.’

  ‘OK. OK. I’m a rude, stupid . . . What did she call me?’

  ‘Biffer,’ said Bee, grinning.

  ‘What exactly is a biffer?’ I asked.

  ‘Someone who biffs,’ said Bee.

  ‘Fine,’ said Copper Pie. ‘I’m a rude and stupid biffer. Satisfied?’

  We all looked at each other . . . and nodded.

  In English, we had to write scripts of conversations the things in our bedroom have when we’re not there. I like doing things like that. I chose my bookcase, my hammock and my Deathmobile and gave them names and personalities. The bookcase was called Burp because it’s too full and is always spitting out books. I called the hammock Sway (no need to explain that) and made it a daydreamer and Deathmobile was a simple killing machine – Death for short. I’d nearly finished the part where they admit how jealous they are of each other (Burp wanted to be empty, Sway wanted to be full because she can’t sway without anyone lying in her and Death wanted to be liked) when Miss Walsh told us to pack up for afternoon break.

  Because I wanted to finish it, I was the last one left in the classroom, apart from Lily. She repeated word for word what I’d told her to say to Miss Walsh. I waited, without breathing (but not in the I’m-going-to-faint way – I don’t do that any more).

  ‘That’s very generous of you, Lily. I’m sure there are plenty of candidates for the job. And with the playground remodelling coming up, the school council has got an important job to do . . .’ Great!

  ‘. . . but I think we should give the class a chance to decide who takes your place.’ Not so great.

  ‘We’ll talk about it in PSHE, last lesson.’

  (PSHE is when you get to talk about non-school stuff like global warming and putting your hands over your mouth when you cough. I can’t remember what the letters stand for.)

  There was no need to hear any more. I shoved my books in my desk, ran out of the door, down the stairs and out through the back to our soon-to-be-flattened territory.

  ‘Emergency,’ I announced. ‘Council election in PSHE, last lesson.’

  ‘No way,’ said Fifty. ‘What shall we do?’

  ‘Well, we make five votes,’ said Bee. ‘Let’s collect some more.’

  ‘Who are we voting for again?’ asked Copper Pie.

  ‘Jonno,’ I said. ‘Because he’s new and no one’s got a reason to not want him.’

  ‘Except Callum,’ said Jonno.

  ‘But he’s only one person. And he won’t know the election’s on until it’s too late for him to ruin it,’ said Bee. ‘Come on, let’s round up some support.’

  Afternoon break is short. I watched Bee and Copper Pie whizzing about. Jonno stayed where he was, studying the scrub and old wood that covers the floor under the trees. I don’t think he wanted to have to ask people to vote for him so he was let off. I went with Fifty and let him do the talking.

  ‘Hi, Ed,’ he said, with one of his ‘special’ smiles. ‘Lily doesn’t want to be on the school council any more so we’re electing a new member this afternoon. I wondered if you’d vote for Jonno Lock because he’s new, which means he has fresh ideas.’

  Well done, Fifty.

  ‘OK,’ said Ed. ‘Do you think he could try and get the Head to let us have our packed lunches in the playground?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said, thinking, We’ll worry about that later.

  We were going to ask someone else but we couldn’t decide who, so we copped out by going to talk to Lily, who we knew would vote for Jonno anyway. The others could get the rest.

  hands up for Jonno

  ‘Right. Today we’re going to discuss why exercise is —’

  ‘Please, Miss —’ Alice asks questions all the time. Everyone groaned.

  ‘No questions, Alice. All will be explained if you listen. We’re going to discuss why exercise is so important.’

  ‘Because otherwise you get fat, Miss,’ shouted Callum’s best friend, Jamie.

  ‘Like Harry,’ said someone from behind me.

  ‘Who said that?’ said Miss Walsh, retying the messy bun on the back of her head. She does that a hundred times a day.

  No answer.

  Harry’s hand went up. ‘Miss.’

  ‘Yes, Harry.’

  ‘My mum says it’s puppy fat.’

  ‘Well, she should stop feeding you it,’ said Copper Pie.

  Bee snorted but thankfully loads of other kids started laughing too or she’d have been for it.

  ‘Class, that’s enough. No calling out. No questions. We’re going to discuss the benefits of exercise – but first we have a job to do. Lily has resigned from the school council so there is an opportunity for someone else to get involved. Would anyone like to suggest a candidate?’

  Alice’s hand shot up.

  ‘But obviously you mustn’t put yourself forward.’

  Alice’s hand dropped.

  Bee had her hand straight up in the air, waiting patiently.

  ‘Yes, Bee?’

  ‘I’d like to suggest Jonno, Miss.’

  Miss Walsh wrote Jonno on the board. Callum nudged Jamie, his dozy deputy, who woke up, waved his arm and shouted, ‘Callum.’

  ‘Jamie, shall we try that again?’

  Jamie waved his hand and shouted ‘Callum’ even louder.

  I giggled, and so did Copper Pie.

  ‘No, Jamie. You put your hand up and keep it still, and then you wait for me to either ask you or look at you and then you speak because that means it’s your turn.’

  Jamie stopped waving. Miss Walsh looked at him – nothing. She nodded at him – he nodded back.

  She sighed, wrote Callum on the board and drew a line between the two names.

  ‘Good. Any more nominations or is it Jonno versus Callum?’

  Silence.

  ‘You can put your hand down now, Jamie.’

  ‘Callum,’ he shouted.

  That was too much – the whole class collapsed and even Miss Walsh couldn’t stop a few laughing noises escaping from her tightly pressed together teacher’s lips.

  ‘OK. Can I ask the two hopefuls to pop up to the front here? Fantastic. Now then, would either of you like to say anything about why you’d like to be on the council?’

  ‘I will, Miss,’ said Jonno.

  ‘Go ahead then, Jonno.’

  Jonno gave a little cough, pushed his glasses up his nose a bit and ran his hand through his massive mop. Each hair sprang back to exactly where it was in the first place.

  ‘As you know, I’m new here. In some ways that’s a bad thing because I don’t know everything about the school, but in another way it could be a good thing. If I was lucky enough to be on the school council, I would be able to bring a fresh pair of eyes, in fact, four of them . . .’ He op
ened his eyes really wide to make the point.

  Lots of laughter.

  Way to go, Jonno, I thought.

  ‘. . . to the issues that the council is asked to discuss. Also I’ve been to six schools so I can tell what worked and what didn’t in other schools. And lastly, I think it would help me to settle in if I had a proper role to perform and I would be very proud to do so. Thank you.’

  CLAP CLAP ROAR STAMP STAMP.

  They loved it. He sounded like a real politician. It was in the bag.

  ‘And from you, Callum?’

  ‘If I’m elected, I will make the school better for all the children in it by understanding what they want and helping them get it.’ He paused. ‘What I won’t do is only look out for me and my friends.’

  ‘Thank you, Callum’ said Miss Walsh, obviously a bit puzzled by what he’d said.

  ‘Right, children. You have one vote only which is cast by raising your hand high above your head so I can easily count. Clear? Good. Votes for Jonno then, please.’

  A look went round the Tribers like a Chinese whisper. Bee started it with a Callum-is-so-over face, but by the time it got round to me it had changed into a something’s-gone-wrong-but-we-don’t-know-what face.

  There were loads of hands but in the middle of them, standing up, was Callum’s dozy deputy, Jamie. ‘Miss, there’s something you don’t know.’

  I didn’t panic. I mean, what was there to know?

  ‘Jonno’s friends have been bribing and threatening people in the class to get them to vote for him.’

  Liar. Liar. Pants on fire.

  He wasn’t going to get away with that. Someone say something.

  ‘That’s a very serious accusation, Jamie. Jonno, is there any truth in it?’

  Jonno looked shocked. ‘No, Miss. I haven’t asked anyone to vote for me.’

  ‘Do any of Jonno’s friends have anything to say?’ It sounded like we were being tried in court.

  ‘Yes, me,’ said Fifty. ‘Keener and I asked Ed and Lily, but we didn’t threaten them or bribe them.’

  Surely a promise about outside lunches didn’t count as bribery?

  Ed and Lily confirmed Fifty’s statement. Phew!

  ‘So perhaps I should be asking you what happened, Jamie?’ said Miss Walsh.