Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “Let me know if there’s anything you need,” Max said, placing her case on the luggage stand beside the door. “Why don’t you freshen up and join us for lunch in about an hour.”

  “That would be wonderful. Thank you, Max-san.”

  “You’re welcome, Noriko. Please, feel free to just call me Max.”

  “Sumimasen.”

  “Don’t worry about it. We’re not formal around here.”

  “I was reminded of that earlier.”

  “And not quite as politely,” Cole was quick to point out.

  “Whatever,” I said, getting more and more irritated. “Are you coming?” I asked Cole who seemed reluctant to leave the room.

  “In a minute.”

  Max threw his arm around my shoulders and steered me gently toward our room. “You’re channeling Glenn Close, darling, and it doesn’t become you.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “The crazy jealous vibe is leaking out of your ears.”

  “Seriously?”

  “You’ll be boiling bunnies next.”

  “Oh, stop exaggerating. Am I supposed to fall in love with the bitch? She’s invading my life, not to mention, my man.”

  “Your man is very much interested in seeing this enterprise come to its natural conclusion. Either shit or get off the pot, Sloan. Tell Cole you’re against this, or start acting like a decent human being. Noriko is probably as uncomfortable with this relationship as you are.”

  “I wonder if Ken even told her that Cole was gay.”

  “Why don’t you ask her?”

  “I hate her.”

  Max howled with laughter. “You’re acting like a jealous queen,” he snorted through tears.

  “So?”

  “Would you like me to find out more about her?” he asked when he finally stopped laughing.

  “That would be fucking awesome.”

  “I’ll do it if you promise to be nice.”

  “How about if I ignore her.”

  “Cole will notice and get pissed.”

  “He’s halfway there.”

  “Make it right, darling. She’s not even knocked up, and you’re already at odds with your lover.”

  “My partner,” I corrected. “He’s more than my lover, Max; he’s my partner!” The tears were forming as the anger swamped me, and I felt like a childish fool, but I couldn’t help myself.

  “Hush, beauty,” Max soothed, cradling me in his strong arms. “It’ll be fine.”

  “You think?” I sniffled against his broad chest.

  “We’ll make it work.”

  “How?”

  “Leave it to me.”

  “Are you going to make her disappear in a puff of smoke?”

  “I wish that I could, but what I’ll try and do is find out what’s motivating her to make this sacrifice. Then maybe we’ll know if we have to worry or not.”

  “Believe me,” I said, pushing away from him and glaring into his eyes. “I’m plenty worried.”

  “Try and contain your fears for the next few days. Give me a chance to make my own judgments. In the meantime, enjoy the house and fuck Cole into forgetting Noriko exists.”

  “Speaking of sex, do you know what bullshit thing I found out?”

  “What?”

  “Cole wasn’t sleeping with me because he was saving his semen for his baby maker.”

  Max raised his eyebrows. “Doesn’t he know there’s an endless supply?”

  “Apparently he was told that his army of swimmers would be stronger and better able to invade the hoard of female eggs if they were repressed.”

  “Jesus. Who’s been feeding him this info?”

  “Who the hell knows? Daddy dearest, most likely.”

  “Okay,” Max said, standing as soon as Cole walked in to our room. “You guys get settled and join us downstairs when you’re ready.”

  “Thank you, Max,” Cole said quietly.

  I knew, as soon as I heard his voice, that we were going to have a fight, and I dreaded the confrontation. I hated arguing with Cole because he was brilliant and invariably won. This time, though, I had to stand my ground, and I wasn’t ready yet. None of my fears were based on fact and would be shot down as precisely as if he’d brandished his Samurai sword. Nonetheless, I sucked in a breath and prepared to duel.

  Chapter 7

  “YOU’VE GIVEN me a fucking migraine,” Cole accused. He toed off his shoes and lay down on the king-size bed that was covered with another handmade quilt in varying shades of blue. Our room was meant to look like a ship’s cabin, and the accessories had a nautical theme. The lamps, antique brass miniatures of a lighthouse, were topped with pleated linen shades matching the striped curtains that framed the shuttered windows. Like the ones downstairs, the slats were wide open, letting in the sun and the warmth. As always, there were fresh flowers in the crystal vase on the bureau, adding the special touch that was a signature of Max Leavitte’s hospitality.

  “Would you like an Advil?” I offered, before throwing myself on the bed beside Cole.

  “I’d like you to stop behaving like a prick.”

  “What did I do?”

  “Noriko doesn’t deserve your bullshit.”

  “I’m not her best friend.”

  “No one said you were, but you can be courteous, for heaven’s sake. She’s our guest and doesn’t need to be insulted. Getting to know her was the whole point of this weekend. How’s that happening if you keep blocking her at every turn?”

  “How did I block her?”

  “I won’t even dignify your question with an answer.”

  “Surely you weren’t expecting me to accept her with open arms.”

  “Sloan, is this behavior going to continue until the babies are born?”

  “I haven’t even decided if this is what I want. You’re assuming again.”

  Cole straddled me and pinned my head between his arms. His long hair brushed my cheeks and invaded my mouth. “What do I have to do to convince you this is right for us?”

  I blew a silky strand away before answering. “I’m not sure.”

  “Sloan….”

  Pushing him away, I scooted over to the edge of the bed and stood in front of the large window. There were already a number of sailboats bobbing in the harbor, and soon it would be overrun with the summer crowd and their usual WaveRunners and powerboats disturbing the serenity of this small village, much like Noriko was rocking my world. Cole sat up and crossed his legs, waiting in silent fury for me to justify my behavior. Finally, I turned toward him. “Just because you can do something doesn’t necessarily mean you should.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Cole lifted his head toward my voice, and his eyes narrowed in anger, as if he could see me clearly. The sightless orbs weren’t deformed or covered with any sort of film. They were intensely blue, surrounded by long, dark lashes, and an arresting focal point on his attractive face. I loved him more than ever; despite the physical challenges we’d had to live with to get him through a day without mishap. I worried about him constantly but tried my best to give him a wide berth and never hover, coddle, or do anything for him unless he asked. He was extremely proud, almost obsessive about his independence, yet he was about to put himself in a situation that would undo years of training.

  “I’m talking about bringing a third party into the mix. The world, as we know it, will change forever, Cole. Have you really thought this through?”

  “I know it won’t be simple, but nothing worth having ever is. Our relationship and my career are a perfect example. The best things in my life have required hard work. Why would having a family be any different?”

  He looked so confident, but I knew how vulnerable he was. Cole was still learning to navigate his sightless life, and I didn’t want to hold him back, but I was a realist. Our peaceful existence would be upended by nannies, doctors, and doting grandparents. They would intrude on our privacy and make demands we couldn’t anticipate or p
lan for. Toys and baby paraphernalia would be left lying around in unexpected places, which could cause accidents Cole wouldn’t be able to deal with on his own. He’d trip or run into strollers and hurt himself, or worse yet, he’d hurt the kids. Freddie would have to learn how to deal with a bunch of strangers. Would he adjust? He was an excellent guide dog but had never trained with anyone other than Cole and me. Our living quarters had been structured carefully around Cole’s disability, and this would change too. I knew I was being overly cautious and looking at worst-case scenarios, but it was better than being unrealistic and imagining life as a series of heartwarming vignettes.

  I walked back to the bed and sat beside him. There was such a thin line between loving and smothering, and I’d struggled to find a happy medium. I meshed fingers with him and moved a little closer. “Even under the best of circumstances, having a child is a life-altering experience,” I explained. “In our case it will be even more significant because we’re going to relinquish control of the situation to complete strangers. There are a million things that could go wrong.”

  “They won’t.”

  “How can you be so sure? Noriko is an unknown entity. You’re so confident that her genes and her motives are pure. How do you know she’s not tainted? What if she carries an unexpected gene?”

  “She’ll be tested for every possible genetic mutation,” Cole stated confidently.

  “What if, during the middle of the pregnancy, she realizes what a cushy life she has as your wife and refuses to divorce you? What if she has a change of heart about giving up the kid or kids? Have you thought of any of that, Cole? Have you imagined life as a father on a day-to-day basis?” I tried to keep the panic out of my voice, but it was starting to grow and threatened to choke me.

  “I’ve never had kids.”

  “You have younger sisters, and you’ve been around their children. Can you picture your space invaded in such a way?”

  “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

  “Don’t you think you should?”

  “Why are you being so negative?” Cole asked, suddenly angrier than I’d seen him since we started these discussions months ago. “You’re expecting the worst instead of being happy for me.”

  I sighed and moved away from him. “As I said earlier, just because science has moved forward and given you an opportunity doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for us. One can buy a ticket to the moon these days, but I can’t picture myself in a space suit. Being a parent is not easy, Cole, and not right for everyone. I’m sorry.”

  “So that’s it? You’re sorry, and this discussion is over?”

  “I meant I’m sorry that I’m causing you more stress, but I won’t give in to appease you. This has to be right for me as well. After all, I’m going to bear the brunt of the care-giving, aren’t I?”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “My mother and sisters will be more than happy to help out.”

  “Your parents live in San Francisco, and your sisters are scattered all over the country and have their own families. Will they drop everything to come and watch our kids? I doubt it.”

  “Maybe not long term, but it’s those first months that will be the hardest. They’ll help, and I’ll hire a nanny, or two, if need be.”

  “Will this be an open surrogacy? Are you going to allow Noriko access to her children?”

  “I’m not opposed to her visiting, but I don’t think she’ll be in this country indefinitely, and I’m certainly not going to allow the children to go to Japan to see her.”

  “You keep referring to your offspring in the plural. Are you determined to have more than one?”

  “Why not get two for the effort?”

  “Why not indeed?” I said softly. This was really turning into a huge undertaking that I wasn’t prepared for. “How do I fit into this, Cole? What are you planning on telling your kids?”

  “The truth.”

  “In theory it sounds simple, but when little Cole Junior looks at you and asks why his mommy doesn’t live with us, what are you going to tell him? His mother was store-bought and discarded after she served her purpose?”

  “Could you make this sound any uglier?”

  “It’s a nasty business, Cole. You’re so hellbent on doing this, you forget how many lives will be impacted by this decision.”

  “Life involves change, Sloan. Surely you didn’t expect ours to remain static.”

  “You’re a creature of habit,” I pointed out. “Everything about you has an agenda, a system, a time, and a place, and you’ve drummed your theories into my scattered brain since the day I moved in. I’m just saying that you are fooling yourself if you think you’ll be able to orchestrate this scenario the way the Von Trapps did in the The Sound of Music. Children are not little soldiers who will do your bidding merely because you want it done. They may actually have functioning brains! If they’re anything like their father, they’ll be opinionated and demanding.”

  “So now I’m opinionated and demanding? Has life with me been such a fucking struggle?”

  “It hasn’t been easy… not that I’m complaining.”

  “Sure sounds like bitching to me.”

  “Cole, I love you more than I’ve loved anyone or anything in my life, but I have to say that living with you has been challenging, and not because you’re blind.”

  “Fuck you, Sloan.” Cole stood and groped for his shoes. Freddie was up and ready to go before Cole had even finished tying his laces. “Come, Freddie.”

  “Wait a minute,”—I grabbed his arm—“We’re not done yet.”

  “I need a break,” Cole spat out. “I’m taking my opinionated ass downstairs and joining Noriko.”

  “You do that. I’ll be otherwise occupied.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Out.”

  Cole spun around and hissed in my face. “Deal with this situation, Sloan. It’s not going away, and hiding or ignoring Noriko won’t make her disappear.”

  “Piss off!” I yelled as Cole left the room in a huff.

  Chapter 8

  THE SLAMMING sounded like the crack of a pistol, and it reverberated in my ears. To be dismissed so casually was beyond insulting, and my anger finally boiled over. I picked up the glass vase and hurled it against the door, watching with great satisfaction as the water soaked the wood, and the shards of glass rained down on the carpet, blanketing the tulips and hyacinths that lay innocently amidst the carnage. The explosion was loud enough to wake up the fucking dead, and Max pushed the door open without knocking. “What the hell is going on in here?”

  “Nothing!”

  He looked around, and his eyes widened in shock. “You’d better pick up this shit.”

  “I’m not taking orders from you, either.”

  Max swallowed his retort upon hearing my reply and reached out and took my hand instead. “Come on.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “Somewhere quiet.”

  “A padded cell sounds great.”

  Max drew me close, wrapping a strong arm around my torso. “Let’s discuss this over a nice big mug of coffee,” Max soothed, moving us out of the war zone and into the master suite, which had a small sitting area. He plunked me down on the sofa covered in manly brown and beige tweed. In fact, the entire room oozed masculinity, and although I’d seen it before, it had been a while. A swift perusal of the suite was all one needed to glean a little insight into Max’s other life.

  The bed alone was impressive. The four posts holding the king-size mattress in place were like small tree trucks, able to withstand the most powerful tugging. The metal eye bolts, embedded into the wood, were devoid of cuffs for now, but I knew that the antique bureau on the far wall offered a plethora of choices. They came in leather, metal, canvas, or rope, guaranteed to imprison for as long as Max deemed necessary to gain the submission he craved. He was legendary in the New York scene and had tried to turn me onto this form o
f loving when we’d first met, but I’d realized very quickly that it wasn’t my thing.

  Five years ago I was an innocent, fresh off the plane from the West Coast and struggling with body image issues. I was a cutter, simply put, and determined to move past the terrible form of self-mutilation that I’d used for years as a panacea for my emotional turmoil. Cole’s love had given me the security and confidence I needed to escape the dark places in my head, but not before Max had offered to “fix” me with a little flogging here and a nipple clamp there, scaring the hell out of me while convincing me in no uncertain terms that BDSM was not for me.

  We’d had a brief affair, a number of sexual encounters that were memorable, before Cole had come out of the closet and admitted he loved me. It was a tumultuous time, and Max had been gracious enough to step back despite his feelings. I’d chosen Cole, and he’d conceded defeat, especially since I was about to embark on a fabulous modeling career that would garner millions for me as a model, and for Max as my photographer, mentor, and agent. Yet the underlying sexual tension between us had never really let up. I knew that Max would easily step in as a lover if I ever showed him one sign of interest.

  The accoutrements and the entire mindset of the BDSM world fascinated me, however, in a macabre sort of way. Max and I had regular discussions on the pros and cons of the lifestyle, although he’d ceased all attempts to change my mind in deference to Cole and our stable relationship. This morning, his dominant nature was on full alert, and I could tell that he wasn’t impervious to my needs. He wanted to comfort me and would gladly ease my pain through his methods if I were so inclined.

  “What happened?” he asked, passing me a large mug of coffee that I took with a shaky hand. “Darling, you’re trembling,” Max exclaimed. He took the coffee mug back and put it on the table, sheltering me in his warm embrace. I continued to shake for a few more minutes until his body heat overpowered my jangling nerves.