“I’m… sorry,” I stammered. “You don’t deserve to be a part of this crap.”
“Sloan, I’m an inveterate gossip who thrives on drama,” Max drawled.
I giggled, knowing that truer words had never been spoken. Max loved intrigue and enjoyed playing Papa Bear to his stable of models. It kept him young, along with his quarterly shots of Botox, which really did a lot to keep his appearance youthful and “naturally” refreshed. He resembled Freddie Mercury, minus the overbite. If the singer had lived to be a distinguished forty-seven-year-old and had gained twenty pounds, they could have passed for brothers. I’d always been a huge fan of Queen, and it was one reason I’d hooked up with Max in the first place.
“I feel like I’ve lost the battle without even getting a chance to fire a shot,” I explained. “Cole isn’t listening to any of my arguments. He thinks I’m being selfish and negative.”
“Are you?”
“No! I’m being realistic.”
“Well, your communication skills are apparently suffering in the translation.”
“He’s turning a deaf ear.”
“Aside from his blind eyes?”
“That’s cruel, Max, even for you.”
“Sorry, I couldn’t resist,” he said, shamefaced.
“You can be such a bitch sometimes,” I huffed, pushing him away. “What am I doing here, anyway?”
“Explaining to me why you’ve trashed up your room and destroyed my Lalique vase.”
“I’ll buy you another one.”
“I’d expect nothing less.”
“Order one and take it out of my next check.”
“No. That’s too easy. You need to march down to the store and pick something out yourself.”
“Whatever.” I stood abruptly. “I’m going for a walk.”
“Can I come?”
“Only if you promise to keep your tongue in check.”
“Or in cheek?”
“Max.”
He sneered, looking every bit the bastard he was. “Come along, pup.”
“Don’t.”
“Oh, lighten up, Sloan. You could use a good flogging right now.”
“I don’t need a flogging,” I said bitterly.
“You need something.”
“I can assure you that it isn’t submission―dominance is what I need. Maybe I should flog you, or Cole, for that matter.”
“You can do anything you want, but you may not get the results you’re looking for.”
“This is such bullshit,” I grumbled down the hallway. Looking over the banister, I could see Cole and Noriko sipping from their mugs, chatting away like old friends. A wave of unreasonable fear and jealousy swamped me. I’d come a long way from the insecure man I was five years ago, but knowing I couldn’t provide Cole with a family was doing all kinds of damage to my psyche. I knew I had to get a grip and deal with the situation. Every gay man on the planet who wanted biological children, without benefit of marriage, had to come to terms with this sad truth―women were necessary for procreation whether we liked it or not.
Max took my hand in a show of support, and we made our way down the stairs, pausing briefly to let Cole know our plans. “Max and I are going for a walk,” I said, addressing Cole and virtually ignoring Noriko.
“Will you be back for lunch?”
“Yes.”
“See you then,” Cole smiled. He was polite for the sake of our audience, but I knew him well enough to know it was for show. He was still pissed at me and wouldn’t relent until I gave in.
We grabbed our jackets off the hooks that lined the entry and stepped outdoors. It was a little on the cool side, and I was glad I’d decided to go with the leather instead of cotton, which would have been more appropriate considering the season. I felt the cold more than most, probably because I had hardly any body fat. At least that was Cole’s theory as he plied me with nutritional meals on a daily basis. He’d made it his mission in life to see that I was healthy. I’d actually gained ten pounds under his guidance, a fact he crowed about constantly. Admittedly, I looked better than ever, which should have given me the confidence I needed for this clash of wills, but old habits die hard. All the money and adulation from outside sources meant nothing when the man I loved was looking elsewhere.
“Let’s take the car down to Leah’s Stable. I’m in the mood for some nature,” Max suggested.
“I haven’t been on a horse since you dragged me out there last summer.”
“You had fun, didn’t you?”
“You know I loved it.”
“Come on, beauty. There’s nothing more peaceful than a trail ride. “
We got into his Land Rover and drove down Old Montauk Highway until we arrived at Leah’s Stables. It was a popular spot for tourists, as well as locals who couldn’t be bothered maintaining their own horses. Renting was far more convenient, and when the day was over, one could return the animals to Leah and walk away without worrying about feeding and nurturing the beautiful four-legged creatures that brought hours of pleasure. Max had introduced me to the world of horseback riding, and I’d taken to it as one to the manor born. All my preconceived notions flew out the window the first time I sat on a horse and felt the power of the magnificent animal between my thighs. I’d taken a few lessons to maximize the experience, and I had to admit that it was an extremely enjoyable pastime.
As luck would have it, the place was deserted but for a couple of tourists from down south. Leah sauntered out in her standard jeans and flannel and threw her arms around Max and me. “Well, look who showed up.”
“Hey, lady,” Max said by way of greeting. “Can you spare a couple of your magical ponies?”
“Look around you, Max. The season hasn’t quite started.”
“Thank goodness, although I’m sure you’re more than ready.”
“It’s been a long and lean winter,” Leah admitted. “I’m ready to start filling the coffers again.”
“I’ll bet.”
“You can take Dusty and Rose. They’re raring to get out and play.”
“They’re not too spirited, are they?” I interjected. “I don’t feel like getting thrown.”
“Since when have you been intimidated by a little energy?” Leah asked. “I’ve seen you ride, Sloan. You can handle Rose. Max can take Dusty.”
“What are you implying, Leah? You think I’m a wimp?” Max asked.
“No, but Sloan’s a better rider.”
I stuck my tongue out at Max, and he responded in his most lascivious voice. “It’s those powerful thighs of his.”
“Oh, fuck off, Leavitte.”
Leah shook her head and grabbed me by my belt. “Come on, studly. Let’s saddle you up.”
Chapter 9
WE HEADED out toward the walking dunes, an interesting trail that was less than a mile but would give us a chance to experience a little bit of everything: the ocean, mountains of sand, grass, and some fascinating views. A few minutes on horseback were far more effective than any drug. The bright sun and the wind in my face were working wonders to lighten the load I’d been carrying around for weeks. I made a loud kissing sound while digging my heels into Rose’s side, giving her the command she needed to switch to a brisk canter. She responded like a champ, and I took it a step further, leaning into her, giving the signal to fly free. We took off in a burst of energy, galloping down toward the beach with Max hot on our tail. I turned and yelled, “Last one on the sand has to get in the water.”
“Like hell,” he called back.
It was glorious. The sounds of thundering hooves and snorting breaths escaping from the beautiful mare’s nostrils added to my pleasure as we flew across the dunes and headed out to the ocean. I hadn’t felt this sort of freedom in a long time, not since I’d taken on the role as Cole’s partner. My life had been structured tightly by the demands of his disease, and I rarely indulged in any kind of activity that would make me veer off my chosen path. In retrospect, I realized how my world had nar
rowed down to Cole and his needs. He’d become my raison d’ệtre, and now that he was changing the rules and looking to expand his horizons, I found myself at a loss. It was quite a revelation and made me aware that I never did anything fun or carefree anymore. It was all about duty and responsibility, a far cry from the lifestyle I’d led in my early twenties. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d had some weed before coercing Tin into procuring it last week. I was twenty-seven fucking years old and acting like I was a hundred and two. Jeez….
I hopped off Rose as soon as we got to the water’s edge so she could rest. Her chest heaved in and out as she fought to catch her breath, winded from the unaccustomed run after standing around all winter. I put my forehead against hers and spoke softly while rubbing her neck and praising her for being such a good girl. She whickered in response and waited patiently for me to reach into my pocket and hand her the sugar cubes I’d pilfered from Leah’s coffee bar. Rose took the cubes gently from my open palm, tickling me as she nuzzled my hand with her velvety soft lips.
“You cheated,” Max said, reining in Dusty a few feet away.
“I did not! You’ve got the reflexes of an old goat.”
Max dismounted, grabbed me around my neck, and dragged me up to his body, pressing me close. “Who are you calling old?”
I stared into his brown eyes and could see that he really wasn’t angry. There was affection, and a tiny spark of something I hadn’t seen in a while, but I could feel his interest pressing stiffly against my groin. I stepped back. “I’m sorry, Max.”
“Don’t ever be sorry for being attractive,” he said, smiling to put me at ease.
Max was about my height but broader, physically and mentally a powerful man. He rarely took no for an answer but had respected my choices a long time ago. With Max I always knew where I stood. There was nothing oblique about him, unlike Cole, who was such an enigma and kept me guessing half the time. Now I wondered what would have become of me if I’d chosen Max instead of Cole. Would we have lasted? I was surprised the idea even crossed my mind. I hadn’t thought of Max romantically in years, and now, suddenly, I was seeing him in a different light. Still, I knew better, and pushing him away was the right decision.
He nodded, reading my thoughts. “Let’s walk.”
We tied the horses to a tree stump higher up in the grassy area where they could nibble on the seedlings that were starting to break through the hard winter crust. Our shoes were discarded as well, safely parked on the log, along with our jackets. It was a cloudless day, and the sun provided the only warmth we needed.
“This is so nice,” I remarked, allowing Max to take my hand. “Thank you for bringing me out here.”
“I always come here when I’m verklempt.”
I smiled at him. It was easy between us despite that one awkward moment. We were walking close to the water’s edge where the sand was cool and hard under our feet. The waves unfurled gently, splashing us with hissing bubbles.
“There’s nothing like Mother Nature to take away the blues, is there?”
“It’s effective for me,” Max concurred. “You know you’re welcome to spend as much time out here as you need.”
“Thank you.” I stopped walking and turned to him. “Be honest, Max. Am I being unreasonable?”
Max reached out and caressed my cheek, moving on to my mouth which he thumbed gently. “You’re not seeing the big picture from Cole’s point of view. This medical breakthrough has opened a door that was tightly shut because Cole wasn’t willing to foist his genetic hiccup on an innocent child. He had the maturity and the willpower to resist his father’s nagging until he found a way to work around his concerns. His options have changed, and having children is a reality he can actually explore, unless you put up another roadblock. Don’t you want him to be happy and fulfilled? Hasn’t he had enough shit to deal with in his life without worrying about your issues?”
“If you’re trying to make me feel guilty, you’re succeeding.”
Max shrugged. “Some people need to be parents, Sloan, and others don’t care one way or the other. Cole obviously wants a child, and as his partner you need to confront your personal fears and examine your objections. No matter how you shake this or play it, you need a female to carry a baby. That’s not negotiable, so why not just be honest. It’s not really Noriko, is it? You don’t want to do this.”
“I’m not opposed in principle, but I am feeling rushed into making a decision. Before this week, I didn’t even know she existed! All of a sudden, she’s become the most important person in Cole’s life. How can you possibly say I’m overreacting?”
“I think your anxiety about being pressured is warranted, and it’s Cole who’s being unrealistic to expect instant capitulation.”
“Thank you.”
“He needs to give you time to warm up to the idea.”
“How do I get him to do that?”
“I’m not sure you can. He seems determined to get going on this immediately, but it’s important that your feelings and concerns are addressed.”
“I thought I was pretty clear.”
“You’re being passive-aggressive, Sloan. On the one hand, you agree to learn more about Noriko, but then you can’t keep a civil tongue in your head. If you continue to act this way, you’ll alienate Cole and push him into this arrangement faster than necessary.
“I really don’t think I can manage being welcoming and polite when I see her as a threat.”
“Hasn’t Cole proven how much he loves you? I thought that part of the equation was firmly established.”
“There’s a tiny part of me that wonders if he really isn’t bisexual in the truest sense. He’s fought his orientation from the get-go. Now that he has this opportunity to have a wife and family, will he be happy staying with me? Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if I disappeared?”
“Darling, you can’t possibly mean that?”
“He’s accepted the idea of a marriage so readily when he could have insisted on finding some other way.”
“You keep forgetting you live in a state that does not allow surrogate parenting.”
“We could move to California until the child is born.”
“What about your jobs?”
“Obviously, we’d have to take some sort of leave of absence, but you know as well as I that money is not a consideration.”
“Maybe he sees the marriage as a means to an end. A surrogate is far different from a wife. His chances of retaining custody, if this were to go sour, are much better if he and Noriko are legally bound to each other. A firm prenup will give him the ammunition he needs. He’s trying to cover all his bases while you’re imagining a sexual agenda. I honestly think you’re way off.”
“Am I?”
“Sloan, you have to be more confident in Cole’s love.”
“Anything can go wrong,” I said, feeling the panic rising again. “I’m terrified that he’ll marry her and realize how easy life can be as a hetero. He won’t have to swim upstream or deal with any of our issues; life could be a breeze.”
Max gaped at me and finally shook his head in disgust. “You are so fucking insecure it’s sickening.”
“I can’t help what I feel.”
He grabbed me by the arms and literally shook me, trying to knock some sense into my skewered brain. “Sloan, you need to snap out of this. You’re not just a passing fancy, an experiment, or a detour into Cole’s dark side. Your relationship wouldn’t have lasted this long. You’ve been together for what, five years? And in those years has he ever strayed or even mentioned an interest in women?”
“No.”
“Then how the fuck can you allow such stupid thoughts to mess with your head?”
“Maybe it’s because he did it behind my back.”
“That may very well be, but I disagree with any of your theories. Cole is gay, not bisexual, and he’s not going to stay married, if it comes to that. Get those fucking ideas out of your brain. Christ Almighty, why ar
e the most beautiful people in the world the most insecure?” Max said hotly. “You’re like all my other models―a needy wreck! Grow some balls, Sloan.”
“I’m not needy,” I protested, although my voice had a pathetic whine to it. “I’m just defending my relationship. How can that be wrong?”
“Well, when you put it that way,” Max grumbled. “Still, you should see this for what it is. Cole’s need for Noriko is completely self-serving. She’s an organ donor in a sense, willing to donate her uterus, and two years of her life, to give him the children he so desperately wants. It’s a business transaction, and money is her motivator, nothing else. She doesn’t know Cole from the man in the moon, just as you know nothing about her. Why think she has an agenda?”
“Who the fuck knows?” I yelled out my frustration. “My gut is telling me something’s not right. Shouldn’t I pay attention?”
“You’ll never find out one way or the other if you keep pushing them both away. You’ll get a lot further by being charming than continuing to be an asshole.”
“Fuck off,” I yelled, sprinting away and putting some distance between us. Max stood his ground. After several seconds I stopped running and turned to see what he was doing. He’d crossed his arms over his chest, waiting patiently. He knew I’d be back. When I returned, he opened his arms, and I walked into his embrace, letting myself be comforted. “Help me do the right thing, Max.”
“I’m trying, but you keep fighting me.”
“Tell me what to do.”
“First order of business is to clear your head of this ridiculous assumption that Noriko wants your man. Let’s put that demon to rest.”
“Not until the investigation is over.”
“God, you’re a tenacious shit.”
“Maybe so, but I won’t quit until I know what her true motives are.”
“Will you stop being a brat, at least?”
“I’ll try.”
“You swear?”
“Don’t plotz!”
Max laughed. “You’re starting to sound like my family.”
“What a surprise. I’ve been around you every day for the last five years.”
Cutting Cords Page 27