“We need to talk.”
“I’m done talking, Cole. Did you fly alone, or is Ms. Thing with you?”
“I came by myself.”
“That’s a first.”
“Zip it with the sarcasm, Sloan.”
I leaned against the doorjamb and stared at him. He looked exhausted, and there were many more strands of gray weaving though his dark hair. Yet, for someone on a mission to make things right, which is why I assumed he was here, he was unrepentant. I waited for the emotion to kick in, but surprisingly, I felt nothing. Not pity, nor anger, or even mild annoyance. Whatever I carried in my heart for so long seemed to have been washed away in the passionate wake of my new relationship. I was more concerned about Trent’s reaction to Cole’s sudden appearance than anything else. “You’re wasting your time, Cole. I have no intention of rehashing our differences.”
“That’s not why I’m here.”
“Why, then?”
“To tell you the truth.”
“And here I thought you were being truthful all along.”
“I’ve lied by omission.”
“So what else is new?”
“Seriously,” Cole said, moving closer. “This is huge and will explain a lot.”
“What if I don’t care?”
“You have to care. We love each other.”
I snorted. “That was yesterday.”
Cole reached for me and I stepped back. “Do you mind waiting in my room while I get dressed? It’s weird having a conversation with you while Trent and I are both naked.”
“What does it matter when I can’t see either one of you?”
“It matters to me. Please go,” I said, handing him my key card. “It’s the third door to your right. Tin may or may not be in there. In any case, lie down and rest if you like. I’ll be there shortly.”
“Hurry.”
I slammed the door and turned around to see Trent scowling in my face.
“What the hell, Sloan?”
“I know.”
“Does he think he can just walk in here and reclaim you?”
“Apparently.”
“I can’t stop you from going across the hall, but I want to say something before you go.”
“Trent, I’m aware that whatever we have is brand new and may or may not work out. It won’t influence my decision with Cole.”
“Do you need some kind of reassurance from me?”
“No. Your feelings are quite obvious.”
“Come here,” Trent said, in the commanding voice I was starting to listen for. I moved into his arms and let him hold me. It made no sense to feel safe in the arms of a man I barely knew―an acknowledged Dom who had no problem tying a man in knots or flogging him till he screamed for mercy. Safety was across the hall, with the man I’d known intimately for the last five years. Trent was nothing like Cole, yet he was everything I wanted. With him I could do or say anything that came to mind. I didn’t have to guard my tongue or worry about repercussions when I slipped off the narrow path that Cole had chosen for us years ago. Trent was a mystery, and this could all blow up in my face tomorrow, but right now, at this time in my life, I wanted him.
“Sloan,” Trent said softly, lifting my face so he could look me in the eye. “We’re good together, aren’t we?”
“Very,” I admitted.
“Give this a chance, okay?”
“Kiss me, Highlander.”
He claimed me with hungry lips, making sure I understood how well suited we were together. And as an added precaution, he moved me toward the bed, and proceeded to give me a blowjob that banished every single doubt from my mind.
Chapter 30
IT WAS almost thirty minutes before I could tear myself away from Trent. I didn’t even bother to take a shower, throwing on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt. Cole opened the door a few minutes after I knocked.
“It took you long enough,” he said. Frowning, he scrunched up his nose and added, “You smell like sex and cigarettes.”
“Did you come all the way from New York to demonstrate your olfactory skills?”
“I’m sorry,” Cole said stiffly.
“You should be!”
“My father is dying,” he blurted out, effectively stopping my tirade.
“Sorry?”
“He’s got lung cancer and won’t last another year.”
I sank down on my knees in front of him. All my anger retreated at the sight of Cole’s tortured face. “Cole… I’m so sorry. When did you find out?”
“He told me last fall.”
I saw that he was trembling. I stood and guided him toward a chair, rubbing his hands automatically, hoping to soothe him. I’d never seen him this vulnerable. “Go on,” I said, encouraging him to talk.
“After telling me he was terminal, he begged me to give him a grandson. He said he couldn’t wait for one of my sisters to produce a boy. He wanted to hold my son before he died.”
My gut reaction was anger. A part of me wanted to slug him for keeping me in the dark, but there was the other side that wanted to take him in my arms and kiss the hurt away. “I’m sympathetic, Cole,” I said, letting go of his hands. “But didn’t you consider this news important enough to share with me?” Was our relationship so fucked up that he’d chosen to keep something so devastating a secret?
“I was afraid you’d flip out over the baby.”
“Fuck the baby! Why didn’t you tell me about Ken?”
“I’m not sure… he wanted me to give him an answer about the child, and I was upset with his news, so I said yes immediately. I never thought you’d object.”
“Maybe if you had included me in the decision making process, I would have reacted quite differently.”
“I was wrong.”
“You were a fool.”
“Sloan, I was in shock,” Cole protested. “He seemed so scared. I was willing to do anything to ease his suffering.”
“I get all of that, Cole. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me. Didn’t you think I would be sympathetic? Your father has been a part of my life as long as you have, if not longer. He and Dad were best friends for years.”
“I thought about telling you, but when he insisted that I use Noriko as the surrogate, I was afraid you would see red.”
“Why did Ken choose her, of all people? This entire decision would have been a lot easier to stomach if we’d moved to California and found a surrogate through a lawyer, without throwing marriage into the mix. Didn’t either one of you realize I would object vehemently?”
“He suggested using a geisha whose family was indebted to ours. The connection was already established, and Dad mistakenly thought you’d be more amenable if you knew she was in this strictly to repay a debt. What neither one us counted on was you getting all crazy over this.”
“Because none of your decisions made sense, and you didn’t care enough about my feelings to reveal the most important part of this puzzle. You’ve had many opportunities to ease my concerns, Cole.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t erase the loss of trust and the pain you’ve inflicted multiple times.”
“I didn’t think you’d understand.”
“I may not be a historian or have a master’s degree, but my IQ is just as high as yours. How dare you think I’m incapable of understanding a dying man’s wish? A part of me has to wonder if you’re using his illness to justify your leap back into the hetero world.”
“You have to see it from my point of view.”
“I honestly don’t get it, and I’m not going to be manipulated into feeling guilty enough to forgive you. There are certain things that are unforgivable, and I consider this one of them.”
“You’re fucking someone else, yet I’m willing to forgive and forget.”
“I didn’t do anything until you admitted to having sex with Noriko.”
“I never admitted anything. You presumed.”
“Are you going to deny it
now? Have you or have you not been having sex with her?”
“I don’t know why you’re getting all salty over this, Sloan. It’s just sex.”
“So you admit it.”
“Yes, but it means nothing. I’m her dahna, and it’s expected.”
“What did you just say?”
“It’s a time-honored tradition in my culture. My grandfather had a geisha, a wife, and a family. They were kept entirely separate, but all parties were aware of each other.”
“Tell me you’re not asking me to continue to have a relationship with you while you’re married and fucking her on the side. I’m not going to be your mistress!”
“You’ll never understand.”
“If I hear you say that one more time, I’ll hit you. So help me God, I will wipe that fucking look off your face.”
“What look?”
“The sanctimonious I-am-better-because-I’m-Japanese look!”
“I don’t think that,” Cole protested. “There are just certain things we do and say that would make no sense to a Westerner.”
“You’re acting like you’re one hundred percent Japanese. Newsflash, Cole: you’re half Irish, born in San Francisco, ate PB&J, and played baseball. You’re an all-American boy like me. A love of their history and half their genes do not make you emperor of that nation. And not all Japanese men have mistresses! You’re trying to have it all, as usual. The wife, the family, and the boy toy on the side. I can’t believe you expect me to have any part of this.”
He shrugged. “I knew you wouldn’t get it.”
“What I don’t get is how someone who lived with me, fucked me, and said he loved me over and over can be so self-righteous. You’re so caught up in your medieval world of honor and tradition that you’ve forgotten the present-day lover you’ve been lying to. Where’s the honor in that? I’m sure even your illustrious ancestors would agree that you’ve been a two-faced motherfucker!”
Cole stood immediately. “This discussion is over. I was willing to forgive you for your indiscretion, but it seems pointless if you’re not going to forgive me. We seem to be at complete odds, Sloan. I don’t think we can get back together.”
I couldn’t believe his attitude. He didn’t think we could get back together? I would just as soon dive off the London Bridge as go back to him. “For the record, shogun,” I said, getting right in his face, “I never stopped loving you, even while I was fucking Trent. If you had come clean, laid your cards on the table, and treated me with the respect I deserved, I would have understood. I may not have liked it, but I would have known you were doing this for your dad, and I would have supported the plan.”
“Sloan,” Cole said, reaching for me. He had tears in his eyes, and his proud façade was crumbling rapidly. “Come back with me.”
“I can’t, Cole.”
“Are you in love with this guy?”
“No. But I respect him, which is a lot more than I can say about you.”
“I can make this right, Sloan, believe me.”
I shook my head and backed away. My tears were blinding me. If he started to beg, I’d lose my shit. No matter what I’d said out loud, Cole would always be the love of my life. “You and Freddie were everything to me, Cole. I gave you one hundred percent, but you didn’t return the favor. There was a small part of you that treated me like a child. You enjoyed having someone mentally dependent on you because everything else in your life had been ripped away by your disease. I was the only one who couldn’t function without you, but then I got better. When I started to become independent, you couldn’t handle it, could you? Well, no worries, Cole. Noriko and your new family will give your life some purpose again. You can call the shots, and everyone will do your bidding.”
“You’re wrong,” Cole said. “I loved you just as much as you loved me.”
“Then your kind of love is way different from mine. Let’s end this now, as friends, and move on.”
“Won’t you reconsider?”
“No. I’ll have Max drive you and Freddie to the airport. He’ll stay with you until you board.”
We were both crying openly, and he lunged, wrapping his arms around my waist and sobbing on my shoulder. I wanted to die. “Sloan, please?”
“I’m sorry,” I said, pushing him away reluctantly. I practically ran out of the room. If I stayed another second I would cave, and I knew I’d be miserable with my decision. I walked into Trent’s room and picked up the phone, calmly asking to be connected to Max’s suite. Trent watched me in silence. I could have kissed him for his tact. After telling Max what happened, he agreed to remain with Cole until he left for New York. I went to the bathroom, stripped, and turned the shower on full blast. The stinging spray was almost as hot as the tears that kept on flowing down my face. I sank down into a crouch and let it all out. This was the end of everything I’d known for a long, long time. My haven was about to board a plane and leave me to fend for myself. A part of me was terrified. I could feel the panic fluttering wildly in my chest, like a bird trapped in a room and banging against the window in a desperate bid to escape. I wanted to cut myself to ribbons, to take away some of the pain, but I kept hearing Trent’s voice, telling me not to give anyone or anything so much power over my life.
Still, the need was overwhelming. I turned off the water and stepped out. Standing in front of the sink in nothing but a towel, I picked up the hotel razor. With trembling hands, I tore at the plastic, and in my haste, it fell on the floor. Just then Trent walked in, took in the scene, and bent down to pick up the straight razor.
“Come with me,” he said quietly. “If you need this to make you feel better, let’s do it right.”
I looked into his eyes and didn’t see a hint of derision, so I let him take me by the hand and lead me out of the bathroom. He sheltered me in his arms and waited a few minutes until my shaking got under control. “It’s going to be alright,” he said softly.
“Trent… I’m losing it.”
“Shh… let me help you.”
“How?”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“I’m going to coax the pain right out of your system.”
For whatever reason, I believed he could do it.
“You need to lie down on the floor while I get some things.”
“Why the floor?”
“Because I want you flat and immobile; the mattress might shift while I work around you.”
“You’re not going to torture me, are you?”
“Never.”
“Will I need a safe word?”
“Everyone does,” Trent said. He kissed me on the mouth and wiped the tears that covered my face. “Pick a word, Sloan.”
Trent could tell I was confused yet, at the same time, curious. Whatever he planned warranted some reassurance. Choosing a safe word was good enough for me. “How about Queen?”
“I’ve always liked them.”
I smiled through my tears. He knew I was talking about the band, and that was such a dealmaker for me. “Queen it is.”
Chapter 31
TRENT PICKED up the phone and ordered mineral water with a bucket of ice. He made a point to ask for extra ice, and in the same breath, he requested a new razor and a first aid kit. He asked if they would include a small bottle of rubbing alcohol and some cotton balls. I felt a fluttering in my chest when I heard the word razor, and for a second, I wanted to get up and walk out of the room. He must have had some sixth sense about my feelings because he turned in my direction and smiled. His dimple reassured me somehow, as did his embrace when he enveloped me in his arms after putting down the receiver.
“Don’t be nervous,” he said softly. “We’ll take this very slowly. Tonight will be all about sensation.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Don’t anticipate, Sloan. I want you to close your eyes and let me take charge.”
I was stark naked, and he still had all his clothes on, which made me feel very vulnerable.
Conversely, I’d never felt safer in my life. His self-confidence exuded from every pore. Now that I knew he’d been in Special Forces, an elite division of the army, it explained a lot. He was a natural leader, and this trait carried over into his civilian life, giving him a certain poise and élan that could have only been gained by having men under his wing while making life-and-death decisions on the fly.
“I need to use the bathroom.”
“Go ahead,” he urged, pushing me in the right direction. There was a knock on the door just as I closed the one behind me. By the time I’d finished taking a piss and brushing my teeth, room service had already left. Trent had drawn the drapes over the windows and turned off all the lights in the bedroom but one. He’d also removed his shirt and slipped on his lounging pants, the ones that hung low on his hips. My last coherent thought was trumped by the image of this fine-looking man. I could feel my body stirring as he zeroed in on my face, and his eyes burned bright with an emotion I’d never seen before. “Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yes.”
He spread one of the extra-large Turkish towels on the floor. It was white, and I had a sudden vision of it discolored with drops of blood, but I pushed the thought out of my brain as quickly as it appeared.
“Come here, Sloan.”
I responded to his command automatically. “Lie facedown.”
I did.
“I’m going to restrain your hands and feet loosely, so you don’t jerk or make any sudden moves. Let me know if the bindings are too tight or if they pinch anywhere. I don’t want you going numb. Okay?”
I nodded.
“Say it out loud, please.”
“I’m okay.”
“Thank you.”
Trent had been busy while I was in the bathroom, ripping up a bed sheet into strips he could use to tie me up. I could only imagine the comments from housekeeping tomorrow. He’d probably end up paying some outlandish amount for destroying hotel property. All these thoughts were going through my mind as he positioned my arms above my head and crossed them, one wrist over the other, expertly binding me with a series of knots. “How does that feel?” he asked, stroking me gently.
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