He was right. This was big stuff she was trying to talk about and any way it could be made easier was fine with her. That Aiden would have already thought that, and was acting on it, was so heart melting she put it straight to the top of her ‘Things that melt Maddie’s heart’ list.
There was silence for a while as they both just lay there and enjoyed the comfort the connection to each other gave, even if that connection was just laying as close as you could and snugged under the covers. Thinking back on it there wasn’t many times that her and Aiden were in a room together when he didn’t have skin to skin contact with her. Even if it was just fingers stroking her cheek when she was in hospital or moving her hair off her face. Yep, Aiden loved contact and Maddie was learning to love it to. In fact she decided that she would always talk to him in this position from now on and sleep in big spoon and little spoon at night.
“Tell me more about the store?” Aiden asked, clearly feeling they had been quiet for long enough.
Again he was right.
“It was run by a lovely lady called Jean and she used to open in the mornings and have a cup of tea waiting for me when I came in. Most of our days were spent talking about what things we had made or something that might have happened the night before.” Maddie said with fondness in her tone. “She worked hard but I think to her it never really seemed like it was work so much. Jean just loved giving the craft world to other people hoping they would find the love in it that she had.”
“She sounds like you.” Aiden remarked.
Maddie lifted her head and looked at him with a big smile on her face.
“You think so?” she asked almost breathless.
Aiden frowned for a second before answering, “Yeah babe.”
“To be just like her was a dream of mine while I worked there.” Maddie rushed to explain her happiness. “She always cared about people and it didn’t matter their age. The wisdom of her words helped me through a lot of storms. Mostly she gave me crafts and she gave it to more people than just me.”
As Maddie talked her head had gone back to his chest and Aiden ran his hand up her back and started to play with a lock of her hair again. In that moment she felt so relaxed and the words just came from her mouth so easily she didn’t know why she had been so scared of sharing it before.
“Jean sounds amazing, but you should want to be you babe, cause I think you are something pretty special.” He voiced.
Maddie didn’t react but that didn’t stop the blush that was burning her cheeks. Maybe she was pleased the lights were off after all.
“One day I was through the back making Jean and me another cup of tea when the bell went over the front door, yes it was that kind of store. I didn’t go through straight away cause I knew Jean was out front but she came rushing through smiling and told me to get out the front and serve the nice gentleman that had just come through the door.” Maddie paused to suck in a deep breath.
They were really getting to the start of the story now and the nerves were coming back. She had told Sarah the bare bones to the story of her past. Now she was going to share everything with Aiden and it was a huge step for her.
Aiden didn’t say anything or try to hurry her along. He just kept holding her hand and playing with her hair.
“I remember so clearly, even now, waking through the arch way that separated the customer area from the staff.” Maddie carried on. “I remember having to blink a couple of times because the sun was so bright, I remember the smell of his after shave and I remember the way his eyes seemed to latch onto me straight away. I wish now that I had turned around, run and hid through the back but I think it wouldn’t have mattered, I was already doomed. His eyes had already decided I was the one for him.”
Shaking her head slightly to dislodge the image that was so sharp inside her head that she felt a bit sick.
“That’s how it started. It took him no time at all to use his charm and have me agreeing to go on a date with him. Charles may be many things but he always had the gift of winning people over. I was no better than the reat, I went along with it all like an idiot.” Maddie said and at her words Aiden’s hand squeezed hers in a comforting way. Showing that he was listening, taking it all on board and that he cared.
He moved their joined hands to under her chin and titled it so that she was looking up at him. Maddie may not have been able to fully see the intensity in his eyes but she could definitely feel it coming off him in waves.
“I don’t care what happened,” Aiden started and moved his head so that she could see the intensity on his face, “but none of it makes you an idiot.”
The air seemed stuck in her lungs and they were starting to burn but he was trying to tell her something that Maddie’s mind wasn’t ready for. Blinking she pulled away from him a little bit and closed her eyes.
This was dragging up so many mixed feelings inside her. Anger, remembered fear, shame and most of all pain. Maddie had suffered so much physical and mental pain.
Turning and opening her eyes she looked down at Aiden. His head was turned to her and the look he was giving her was completely open and comforting. Maddie had never seen the look on Charles. No she only got anger or disappointment.
Maddie could feel her wall building itself up around her even though she didn’t really want it to. When Charles was involved it was a defence mechanism.
“Before I knew it we were married and I was living in his semi-detached house on the other side of town from my parents and work.” Maddie continued, moving further away from Aiden on the bed so they weren’t touching anymore. “I hadn’t even realised that ever since we started dating he had been putting me down and constantly trying to make me feel less than him. In his eyes I really was less than important and Charles thought it was vital that I knew it. So he told me as often as he could. So there I found myself, living miles away from what I loved and married to a man that thought I was worthless. ”
“Maddie.” Aiden interrupted.
Focusing back on him, she blinked a couple of times to bring herself back from where she had been.
“I want you to share and I want to hear this because I know you need to say it but I need you to be in my arms while it happens.” Aiden explained.
Maddie blinked again, she didn’t understand him.
“Why?” She asked.
He didn’t make her wait for his explanation.
“Because I need to hear your heart beat and feel your body against mine to remind us both that you are safe now.” He said. “To remind us both that these are just memories and not going to happen to you again. Now come and lay back down.”
This would make it the third time he was right and the third time that his sweetness overwhelmed her. Letting her head fall and hang for a second she tried to cope with this polar opposite to what she had had. Charles was so quick to be cruel, so fast to hurt her, Aiden was totally different. He was always doing and saying things that made her feel better, things that had a habit of rocking her world in the best kind of way.
Aiden had clearly had enough waiting for her and sat up swiftly, taking her in his arms and laying back down with her. After a few more movements he had them both back in the position from before and Maddie actually felt so much better.
“Okay Ruby.” He whispered and kissed the top of her head.
Maddie took a minute to soak in his body heat and started again.
“The first time he hit me I was so scared.” She whispered to him and he held her tighter. Maddie found herself pushing herself further into his body. “I had taken an extra shift at the shop to try and get enough money together so that I could pay for the repairs his car was needing. See, he worked as a bin man and it didn’t always pay great. Plus they only called him in when there were shifts available. I came home from working the shift, I was so tired but I went straight to the kitchen to cook his tea. Before I had even taken my jacket of he came out of the living room and punched me right in the face. I remember falling back against the door
but not much else. When I came to he wasn’t around and I was so scared I lay on the floor listening for him for ages just to check that he really was out. When I was sure I crawled to the mirror and saw my face. It was awful. I didn’t know one punch could do so much damage. Turns out it didn’t.”
Aiden froze then let each body part relax slowly in a way that she knew he was working hard to make that happen. Aiden was doing everything he could to be a calm listener to her memory and not react the way he wanted to. Maddie couldn’t be more grateful.
“He carried on hitting you after you were out.” He remarked.
Maddie didn’t give a verbal remark but nodded against his chest and ran her free hand over her bruised again face.
“When he returned home I had managed to move to the sofa before collapsing there.” Maddie picked up from where she left off as if Aiden hadn’t interrupted her. “He had flowers and chocolates. He got down on his knees and begged me for forgiveness but also explained it was my fault for not telling him about the extra shift. That he had gotten home from work to find me not there and he had been worried. At the time I remember thinking he should have rung my work cause that was clearly where I was, but then Charles cried and begged me not to leave him. I don’t know what I was thinking but I said I wouldn’t.”
Neither of them spoke as she let her story sink in. Maybe Aiden would realise that Maddie was a waste of a human being and that he was better off not being with damaged goods. So she lay there and just tried to memorise everything about being held like this so that she would remember it later after he had gone.
“Didn’t you ever try to get away or get help?” Aiden asked carefully.
Giving a humourless chuckle Maddie titled her head to look down at Marvin. The dog had his head resting on his front paws but was watching Maddie. It almost seemed like he was listing to her dark tale too.
“The day after he first hit me I went to my parents’ house on my lunch break and asked them for help.” Maddie stopped speaking and moved her head back up to look at the window that had the curtains drawn over them.
“What did they do?” Aiden asked.
Maddie knew he must roughly know the answer because he had to know that was not the only time Charles had hurt her. Right to her very core, she wished it had been, because then maybe she would have been able to go on to live a happy life instead of suffering for years at Charles hands…then living afraid even when he was in prison.
“My Ma made me a sandwich and told me I had married him and that meant for life. So somehow I would have to work out my ‘marital problems’ myself.” Maddie said in a dull tone that lacked emotion. “Funnily enough they actually caused my second beating. They came round for tea a few days later and asked if everything was sorted now. That time he didn’t hit me hard enough to knock me out so I was awake for the whole show.”
“Maddie.” Aiden said roughly, trying to get her to lay her head down on his chest again but she pulled away from him completely.
Sliding off the bed she then moved across the room quickly. She went to the window and pulled open the curtains and looked out on the lit street and the dark park. If Maddie squinted she could see the little lit path that wiggled its way through the park.
Arms wound their way around her waist and pulled her back against his chest. Maddie didn’t fight it but looked out the window.
“Jean?” He asked carefully.
Sighing heavily Maddie answered his one word question.
“Poor Jean was completely devastated and felt it was all her fault I was in the situation in the first place. She told me she should have just served Charles and gotten him out of her shop so fast that there would have been no way that he could have seen me.” Maddie muttered. “I told her time and time again that he would have seen me somewhere else and it wasn’t her fault. She told me to go to the police but I was too scared of getting another beating.”
Giving another humourless chuckle she turned her head to the side and looked at Aiden.
“Little did I know that I would always be about to get another beating.” Turning to look back out the window Maddie went on. “I used to try so hard to be what he wanted me to be. I worked like a dog to make sure everything was perfect and that I could make it so he would never have anything to get annoyed at. It never ever worked. He always found something. Most of the time though it was the threat of a beating that had me always trying to do what he wanted. Always trying to work out what his mood was like that day and what he might want for breakfast.”
The word ‘ever’ came out with so much feeling behind it that Aiden tightened his arms around Maddie as if he could feel the pain. She was so glad that he never would know that level of fear and hurt but understood that would also mean that he would never fully understand her life before.
“So it went on for 4 years. I lived each day scared to wake up because I didn’t know what mood he would be in. I had lost my relationship with Jean because I couldn’t share anymore, I had forgotten how to laugh and didn’t have time to do crafty things. It didn’t help that every time she looked at me she tried not to flinch at new bruises or felt only guilt. In the end I couldn’t do it anymore and quit. We just cried and held each other. Then I walked out that door and never saw her again.” Maddie’s voice had started out strong but ended in a painful, horse whisper.
“Ruby, you can stop.” Aiden said holding her so tight she was surprised she could breath.
But there was no way she would ask him to loosen his grip. It was the only thing keeping her going, the only thing keeping her up. Maddie needed Aiden’s warmth right then and maybe for much longer.
“Then I found out I was pregnant and my heart actually broke because I knew I loved that baby so much and I needed to get us free of Charles so that we could live safe together.” Maddie surprised Aiden with this, so much so that he flinched and she heard him suck in breath. That breath didn’t come out again for a good long while as she kept talking. “I had to tell him of course. I had to stop the beatings. Charles was over the moon. So proud that his seed had made a baby even in a worthless womb like mine. The beatings stopped and he was almost nice to me like he had been before we got married.”
Pausing Maddie tried to find more strength to finish the story that was taking her to the here and now.
“Ruby.” Aiden said softly in her ear.
Maddie almost flinched from the sound, not because it was bad but because it was actually so sweet that it felt wrong to be hearing it when such bad things were being talked about.
“You can stop.” He said just as softly.
Maddie nodded not because she wanted to stop but because she knew he thought she should.
“I have to finish it now I have started.” Maddie stated hoping he would understand.
Aiden nodded then took her by surprise by picking her up and taking her back to the bed. He lay her down, got in behind her and pulled the covers over them both. Maddie hadn’t even realised she had started shivering due to the cold but Aiden had and he was taking care of her like he always did. He lay behind Maddie tucking his leg between hers and wrapping an arm around her waist holding her body tight to his. Aiden put his elbow in the pillow so that he could look down at her face as she talked. He had also laid them so that she could still look at the night sky as they talked. Somehow he knew she needed to not feel trapped right now.
Held and warm, but not trapped.
Something about that struck her deep and she could feel wetness fill her eyes.
“Charles used to keep my passport in a locked drawer in the kitchen. The night before I planned to leave I broke into the drawer and got it. My thinking was he had a shift early in the morning so wouldn’t be back in that room before he got home in the early afternoon. By which point I was hoping to be long gone. Really long gone. But, ironically, considering my first punch was for a changed shift at work my last beating was too.”
“His shift got cancelled.” Aiden guessed when Maddie had stopped.
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br /> “Yup.” She said sarcastically. “Charles’s shift was cancelled. This, of course, meant he saw the drawer and worked out what I was planning on doing. He beat me so bad he thought he had killed me but was actually more worried about the baby after he calmed down. The ambulance came and took me in while Charles hid in the pub. When the police came to my bed asking me what happened I told them everything. They found me somewhere safe to stay, it went to court and he got put away for ten and a half years. I never saw his face though because I was long gone.”
As she finished her whole body was trembling and the tears poured out of her eyes.
“He killed the baby and I had to find a way to go on living.” Maddie shuddered.
“Thank God you did Ruby.” Aiden said tucking his head into her neck. “Thank God you did.”
Aiden held while she cried and through her pain. Maddie realised that she would have to stop doing this to him. No man liked having to comfort a weeping woman all the time.
After the tears had stopped and Maddie stared to feel sleepy. She hadn’t told him about the call but she had told him more than she had ever told anybody ever before. It had taken a lot of her but she was worried that if she closed her eyes the bad dreams would take a hold of her.
“Go to sleep Maddie.” Aiden whispered.
“I can’t.” She whispered back. “I will dream.”
He kissed her neck then whispered into her ear.
“Close your eyes and just listen to my voice.” Aiden order gently.
When she didn’t do it straight away Aiden asked the biggest thing of her.
“Trust me.”
Shockingly she did. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do or maybe it was the right but she did it either way. There was something in Aiden that made her soul feel at ease. As if his spirit had spoken to hers and told her she would never be hurt by him and her spirit believed it.
Closing her eyes she put herself in his hands. Knowing what that had cost her, Aiden gave her a squeeze and kissed her neck again.
“I want you to think about your little coffee table in the living room. How long you had worked on it and how you felt when it was finished.” He started. “Then think about walking through the flat door and seeing Marvin rushing forward to greet you. Sarah, Ethan and Rosie laughing over ice cream and you all cheering Ethan on while he played football.”
Becoming Maddie (The Casterhouse series Book 1) Page 18