by Gene Wolfe
Page 9
Dorcas was asleep. I did not wake her, but sat down in the dark on a stool near the bed where there was now also a little table sufficient to hold the glass and bottle I had taken from the common room below. Whatever the wine was, it seemed strong in my mouth and yet no more than water after I had swallowed it; by the time Dorcas woke, I had drunk half the bottle and felt no more effect from it than I would have if I had swallowed so much sherbet.
She started up, then let her head fall upon the pillow again. "Severian. I should have known it was you. "
"Im sorry if I frightened you," I said. "I came to see how you were. "
"Thats very kind. It always seems, though, that when I wake up youre bending over me. " For a moment she closed her eyes again. "You walk so very quietly in those thick-soled boots of yours, do you know that? Its one reason people are afraid of you. "
"You said I reminded you of a vampire once, because I had been eating a pomegranate and my lips were stained with red. We laughed about it. Do you remember?" (It had been in a field within the Wall of Nessus, when we had slept beside Dr. Taloss theater and awakened to feast on fruit dropped the night before by our fleeing audience. )
"Yes," Dorcas said. "You want me to laugh again, dont you? But Im afraid I cant ever laugh anymore. "
"Would you like some wine? It was free, and its not as bad as I expected. "
"To cheer me? No. One ought to drink, I think, when one is cheerful already. Otherwise nothing but more sorrow is poured into the cup. "
"At least have a swallow. The hostess here says youve been ill and havent eaten all day. "
I saw Dorcass golden head move on the pillow then as she turned it to look at me; and since she seemed fully awake, I ventured to light the candle.
She said, "Youre wearing your habit. You must have frightened her out of her wits. "
"No, she wasnt afraid of me. Shes pouring into her cup whatever she finds in the bottle. "
"Shes been good to me - shes very kind. Dont be hard on her if she chooses to drink so late at night. "
"I wasnt being hard on her. But wont you have something? There must be food in the kitchen here, and Ill bring you up whatever you want. "
My choice of phrase made Dorcas smile faintly. "Ive been bringing up my own food all day. That was what she meant when she told you Id been ill. Or did she tell you? Spewing. I should think you could smell it yet, though the poor woman did what she could to clean up after me. "
Dorcas paused and sniffed. "What is it I do smell? Scorched cloth? It must be the candle, but I dont suppose you can trim the wick with that great blade of yours. "
I said, "Its my cloak, I think. Ive been standing too near a fire. "
"Id ask you to open the window, but I see its open already. Im afraid its bothering you. It does blow the candle about. Do the flickering shadows make you dizzy?"
"No," I said. "Its all right as long as I dont actually look at the flame. "
"From your expression, you feel the way I always do around water. "
"This afternoon I found you sitting at the very edge of the river. "
"I know," Dorcas said, and fell silent. It was a silence that lasted so long that I was afraid she was not going to speak again at all, that the pathological silence (as I now was sure it had been) that had seized her then had returned.
At last I said, "I was surprised to see you there - I remember that I looked several times before I was sure it was you, although I had been searching for you. "
"I spewed, Severian. I told you that, didnt I?"
"Yes, you told me. "
"Do you know what I brought up?"
She was staring at the low ceiling, and I had the feeling that there was another Severian there, the kind and even noble Severian who existed only in Dorcass mind. All of us, I suppose, when we think we are talking most intimately to someone else, are actually addressing an image we have of the person to whom we believe we speak. But this seemed more than that; I felt that Dorcas would go on talking if I left the room. "No," I answered. "Water, perhaps?"
"Sling-stones. "
I thought she was speaking metaphorically, and only ventured, "That must have been very unpleasant. "
Her head rolled on the pillow again, and now I could see her blue eyes with their wide pupils. In their emptiness they might have been two little ghosts. "Sling-stones, Severian my darling. Heavy little slugs of metal, each about as big around as a nut and not quite so long as my thumb and stamped with the word strike. They came rattling out of my throat into the bucket, and I reached down - put my hand down into the filth that came up with them and pulled them up to see. The woman who owns this inn came and took the bucket away, but I had wiped them off and saved them. There are two, and theyre in the drawer of that table now. She brought it to put my dinner on. Do you want to see them? Open it. "
I could not imagine what she was talking about, and asked if she thought someone was trying to poison her.
"No, not at all. Arent you going to open the drawer? Youre so brave. Dont you want to look?"
"I trust you. If you say there are sling-stones in the table, Im sure theyre there. "
"But you dont believe I coughed them up. I dont blame you. Isnt there a story about a hunters daughter who was blessed by a pardal, so that beads of jet fell from her mouth when she spoke? And then her brothers wife stole the blessing, and when she spoke toads hopped from her lips? I remember hearing it, but I never believed it. "
"How could anyone cough up lead?"
Dorcas laughed, but there was no mirth in it. "Easily. So very easily. Do you know what I saw today? Do you know why I couldnt talk to you when you found me? And I couldnt, Severian, I swear it. I know you thought I was just angry and being stubborn. But I wasnt - I had become like a stone, wordless, because nothing seemed to matter, and Im still not sure anything does. Im sorry, though, for what I said about your not being brave. You are brave, I know that. Its only that it seems not brave when youre doing things to the poor prisoners here. You were so brave when you fought Agilus, and later when you would have fought with Baldanders because we thought he was going to kill Jolenta. . . "
She fell silent again, then sighed. "Oh, Severian, Im so tired. "
"I wanted to talk to you about that," I said. "About the prisoners. I want you to understand, even if you cant forgive me. It was my profession, the thing I was trained to do from boyhood. " I leaned forward and took her hand; it seemed as frail as a songbird.
"Youve said something like this before. Truly, I understand. "
"And I could do it well. Dorcas, thats what you dont understand. Excruciation and execution are arts, and I have the feel, the gift, the blessing. This sword - all the tools we use live when theyre in my hands. If I had remained at the Citadel, I might have been a master. Dorcas, are you listening? Does this mean anything at all to you?"
"Yes," she said. , "A bit, yes. Im thirsty, though. If youre through drinking, pour me a little of that wine now, please. "
I did as she asked, filling the glass no more than a quarter full because I was afraid she might spill it on her bedclothes.
She sat up to drink, something I had not been certain until then that she was capable of, and when she had swallowed the last scarlet drop hurled the glass out the window. I heard it shatter on the street below.
"I dont want you to drink after me," she told me. "And I knew that if I didnt do that you would. "
"You think whatever is wrong with you is contagious, then?"
She laughed again. "Yes, but you have it already. You caught it from your mother. Death. Severian, you never asked me what it was I saw today. "
Chapter 11
The Hand of the Past
AS SOON AS Dorcas said, "You never asked me what I saw today," I realized that I had been trying to steer the conversation away from it. I had a premonition that it would be something quite meaningless to me, to which Dorcas would attach great meaning, as madmen do who believe the track
s of worms beneath the bark of fallen trees to be a supernatural script. I said, "I thought it might be better to keep your mind off it, whatever it was. "
"No doubt it would, if only we could do it. It was a chair. "
"A chair?"
"An old chair. And a table, and several other things. It seems that there is a shop in the Turners Street that sells old furniture to the eclectics, and to those among the autochthons who have absorbed enough of our culture to want it. There is no source here to supply the demand, and so two or three times a year the owner and his sons go to Nessus - to the abandoned quarters of the south - and fill their boat. I talked to him, you see; I know all about it. There are tens of thousands of empty houses there. Some have fallen in long ago, but some are still standing as their owners left them. Most have been looted, yet they still find silver and bits of jewelry now and then. And though most have lost most of their furniture, the owners who moved almost always left some things behind. "
I felt that she was about to weep, and I leaned forward to stroke her forehead. She showed me by a glance that she did not wish me to, and laid herself on the bed again as she had been before.
"In some of those houses, all the furnishings are still there. Those are the best, he said. He thinks that a few families, or perhaps only a few people living alone, remained behind when the quarter died. They were too old to move, or too stubborn. Ive thought about it, and Im sure some of them must have had something there they could not bear to leave. A grave, perhaps. They boarded their windows against the marauders, and they kept dogs, and worse things, to protect them. Eventually they left - or they came to the end of life, and their animals devoured their bodies and broke free; but by that time there was no one there, not even looters or scavengers, not until this man and his sons. "
"There must be a great many old chairs," I said.
"Not like that one. I knew everything about it - the carving on the legs and even the pattern in the grain of the arms. So much came back then. And then here, when I vomited those pieces of lead, things like hard, heavy seeds, then I knew. Do you remember, Severian, how it was when we left the Botanic Garden? You, Agia, and I came out of that great, glass vivarium, and you hired a boat to take us from the island to the shore, and the river was full of nenuphars with blue flowers and shining green leaves. Their seeds are like that, hard and heavy and dark, and I have heard that they sink to the bottom of Gyoll and remain there for whole ages of the world. But when chance brings them near the surface they sprout no matter how old they may be, so that the flowers of a chiliad past are seen to bloom again. "
"I have heard that too," I said. "But it means nothing to you or me. "
Dorcas lay still, but her voice trembled. "What is the power that calls them back? Can you explain it?"
"The sunshine, I suppose - but no, I cannot explain it. "
"And is there no source of sunlight except the sun?"
I knew then what it was she meant, though something in me could not accept it.
"When that man - Hildegrin, the man we met a second time on top of the tomb in the ruined stone town - was ferrying us across the Lake of Birds, he talked of millions of dead people, people whose bodies had been sunk in that water. How were they made to sink, Severian? Bodies float. How do they weight them? I dont know. Do you?"
I did. "They force lead shot down the throats. "
"I thought so. " Her voice was so weak now that I could scarcely hear her, even in that silent little room. "No, I knew so. I knew it when I saw them. "
"You think that the Claw brought you back. "
Dorcas nodded.
"It has acted, sometimes, Ill admit that. But only when I took it out, and not always then. When you pulled me out of the water in the Garden of Endless Sleep, it was in my sabretache and I didnt even know I had it. "
"Severian, you allowed me to hold it once before. Could I see it again now?"
I pulled it from its soft pouch and held it up. The blue fires seemed sleepy, but I could see the cruel-looking hook at the center of the gem that had given it its name. Dorcas extended her hand, but I shook my head, remembering the wineglass.
"You think I will do it some harm, dont you? I wont. It would be a sacrilege. "
"If you believe what you say, and I think you do, then you must hate it for drawing you back. . . "
"From death. " She was watching the ceiling again, now smiling as if she shared some deep and ludicrous secret with it. "Go ahead and say it. It wont hurt you. "
"From sleep," I said. "Since if one can be recalled from it, it is not death - not death as we have always understood it, the death that is in our minds when we say death. Although I have to confess it is still almost impossible for me to believe that the Conciliator, dead now for so many thousands of years, should act through this stone to raise others. "
Dorcas made no reply. I could not even be sure she was listening.
"You mentioned Hildegrin," I said, "and the time he rowed us across the lake in his boat, to pick the avern. Do you remember what he said of death? It was that she was a good friend to the birds. Perhaps we ought to have known then that such a death could not be death as we imagine it. "
"If I say I believe all that, will you let me hold the Claw?"
I shook my head again.
Dorcas was not looking at me, but she must have seen the motion of my shadow; or perhaps it was only that her mental Severian on the ceiling shook his head as well. "You are right, then - I was going to destroy it if I could. Shall I tell you what I really believe? I believe I have been dead - not sleeping, but dead. That all my life took place a long, long time ago when I lived with my husband above a little shop, and took care of our child. That this Conciliator of yours who came so long ago was an adventurer from one of the ancient races who outlived the universal death. " Her hands clutched the blanket. "I ask you, Severian, when he comes again, isnt he to be called the New Sun? Doesnt that sound like it? And I believe that when he came he brought with him something that had the same power over time that Father Inires mirrors are said to have over distance. It is that gem of yours. "