OK, so that sounds kinda uncaring. Mean, maybe. And really it was the game “I Have Never” that started it all. Truth or dare shouldn’t get all the blame.
But Perry is already my soft spot – my weak spot. It didn’t make me feel good to hear about how her douchebro boyfriend Mason had cheated on her. It made me feel wretched and terrible to learn that she had an abortion. And when I had to deny her dare...because it was the right thing to do? It broke my fucking heart.
“Truth or dare?” she had asked me.
Perhaps I brought it on myself. I didn’t want to say truth because I knew what truth she was after and I didn’t want to go there. Oblivious and ignorant, that was my way. Let’s worry about the ghosts and lepers, but screw dealing with our real problems.
So I said, “Dare.”
And she said...
“I dare you to kiss me.”
As I said. Heartbreaking.
Perry was leaning on her elbows, eyes glazed but still beautiful, swaying back and forth from the throes of alcohol. She looked so earnest. So real. So...everything I wanted.
And I was going to have to say no.
It broke my fucking heart.
I tried to wipe the fear off my face. I smiled at her, though I don’t know if it was convincing enough.
“I can’t do that,” I said desperately trying to hide the gravity in my voice. She couldn’t know how it affected me. I had to treat it like a game.
She looked at me with pleading round eyes. Talk about a dagger to my heart.
“But you have to. You said during the hockey game...if you were dared. This is your dare.”
Crapity crap crap. Of course I said that as a joke, and even if I wasn’t joking I didn’t think she’d hang on to it. I never thought she take that as word. I never really thought she’d want to take that as word. But that was all before Jenn’s phone call.
That one phone call.
Everything was so different now. I knew the dare. And I knew the truth. And the truth was that if I did as she dared, I would lose myself to her completely. There were so many times already on the trip, when the ghosts spooked me out and I was afraid and my adrenaline was running higher than anything, that I wanted to turn to her. I wanted to shut her up with my lips, to take her in my arms.
But I couldn’t.
There was Jenn. And even though sometimes I thought Jenn didn’t matter, she did now. She mattered and so did my unborn child. I swallowed hard. This was the most I thought about it in days.
“It’s kind of inappropriate,” I explained weakly. I know how lame that sounded. I wanted to tell her that I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. But what fucking good could ever come of that?
She tried not to look rejected. She really did. But it was clear as all hell on her face. In the way she bit her lip. The way she stopped swaying. The sadness in her eyes.
“Whatever, you have to take truth then.”
She smiled at me coyly. It was false. Oh so false. She was shutting down. Turning her soul away from me. She laid herself out there and I turned it down.
It fucking burned.
Well, if she was going to shut down, I was going to open up.
“Ok, give me the truth then,” I encouraged.
She smiled. And I knew what was coming.
“What was the phone call about?”
See. I knew it. I knew that was the plan for this game all along. But it didn’t matter. I owed this to her. I could at least explain why I couldn’t kiss her...and why she and I could never ever be.
I took in a deep breath.
“Jennifer is pregnant.”
WHEN GOOD DOGS DO BAD THINGS
I was already awake when the terrible wailing sound came crashing through the trees. I couldn’t sleep at all with Perry crammed up next to me in our sardine can sleeping bag, especially when my thoughts were torn between her and Jenn. It was all starting to sink in. I had never been so fucking screwed in my whole life. I couldn’t even blame anyone for this except myself. Jenn was on the pill and we’d been having frequent sex for three years straight. The pill wasn’t magic. Logic says that one of the little guys was bound to slip past the barrier. I suppose most guys, if they weren’t freaking the fuck out, would be a bit proud at this accomplishment. You know, “my sperm is so powerful it punched that pill in the uterus” or something like that. But I felt scared shitless.
If I’m being honest here, there was a time when having a child wouldn’t have been so scary. When I was with Abby, and in stupid, retarded love, I often thought about us having a family together. A baby, marriage, the whole shebang. I wanted to give a little version of myself the life I never had. I wanted to live vicariously through them and pretend my whole fucked-up life never happened. That’s a pretty selfish way of looking at having children, but come on, it’s me we’re dealing with here. If you looked up “selfish” in the dictionary, my picture would be there.
I guess I should have been happy then when Jenn told me that she was going to have the baby whether or not I was involved. That stung. And that was a weird feeling. Our relationship had always been an easy ride. We never expected much of each other. No one’s heart or feelings were on the line. We had an understanding of companionship and sex. Did I love Jenn? No, I didn’t. I never did. And it was for the best. It was for the best, for my best, that I never loved anyone.
But now that she was prepared to take this baby and do it on her own, without me, I felt rejected or something. Like I wasn’t needed. I was just the sperm donor and she would take off with a little part of me that I secretly wanted…just under different circumstances. So, naturally I would tell Jenn I’d stick by her. And I’d even marry her if she wanted. But either way, I was going to be unhappy. Talk about making your bed and lying in it.
Thankfully the horrible wailing crashed into my thoughts like a jackhammer and stopped my late night downward spiral. Now I had something more pressing to fear.
Lepers.
The scream continued, coming closer and then moving away in spurts, curdling my blood with each wail. It sounded like a cat being raped by a sad monkey; pained, terrified and sad.
I was terrified and Perry was sleeping away, looking peaceful. Well, not if I could help it. I wasn’t going to go through this all alone. If I had to suffer she had to too. And yes, if you look up “chickenshit” in the dictionary, my picture’s there, too.
I put my hand on her shoulder and shook her awake.
She looked up at me with clouded eyes.
“What? What’s going on?” she mumbled.
A gut-wrenching, piss-your-pants cry shot through the tent.
“What the hell is that?” she exclaimed, the fright filling her face where ignorant sleep had been just seconds before.
“I don’t know, it just started. I think it’s the nut.”
She looked at me as if I was the nut. I explained to her about the nutty leper that once lived in the colony.
“Jesus,” she swore.
Won’t save you now, I thought. Actually, now that she was awake, I felt less scared. This was exactly the type of thing I should be filming!
“We have to get this on film!” I very ungracefully wiggled out of the sleeping bag and made a dash for the Super 8.
“What, no! You can’t go out there,” she cried out from behind me.
I grabbed my shoes. I couldn’t miss this.
“Yes, I can, I have to.”
“No!” she screamed. Her pitch matched the lepers. It made me put down my shoes and look at her. I hadn’t heard her that scared the whole time on the island. She looked frightened as hell too. She was literally shaking in the sleeping bag, two seconds away from one of her panic attacks.
“You can’t go out there!” she continued. “There are things out there that want to hurt you.”
Say what?
“What things, what are you talking about?”
She gave me a pleading look. “Please, Dex, just trust me.”
That wa
sn’t a good enough answer for me.
I shook my head. “No way, I’m not missing this. You stay here.”
I unzipped the tent, a fresh blast of night air whipping through, when she reached over and grabbed me by the arm, her nails digging into my skin.
“Don’t leave me!” she pleaded, her voice strained with fear and agony.
I relented, letting her hands pull me away from the flap. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. I didn’t think I could leave her in this state.
“I need you,” she whispered.
That was a new one. It stirred up something strange and foreign in my chest. No one ever needed Dex Foray.
“You need me?” I asked, my throat feeling thick.
She pulled me closer, her grip growing tighter. Something was happening. Something that made me forget all about that nut in the forest. I barely heard the cries anymore. I was too caught up in Perry’s eyes, the way they shone in the darkness. Whatever this something was, it was crackling with heat, drawing us to each other like a tightened rope, burning around each other.
“I need you,” she said with such determination that it was like declaring war.
I watched her lips as she said it.
If she wanted war, she was going to get war.
I smiled.
Then I threw caution to the wind and did the thing I’d been dreaming about doing.
I lunged for her, grabbing her face in my hands, bringing her mouth to mine. It felt better than I thought it would, feeling her, tasting her, my tongue going after hers like I was trying to tame it. If I kept this up I would fucking eat her alive.
I pushed her back onto the sleeping bag and tried to devour her as much as I could. None of this could wait, there was urgency involved, the explosion of too many feelings and missed opportunities. This was what I always wanted, what I fucking jacked off to every damn night. And now she was beneath me, her soft hands touching me around the waist, trying to bring me into her, as if she couldn’t get enough too. She pulled my shirt off, scratched her nails on my chest like a cat in heat. I retaliated by sucking on her neck, tasting the sweat and whatever else she was made of. I pushed the envelope, not caring if we were going too far, and began to take off her pants. Fuck these fucking clothes, I wanted skin on skin.
I put my hand under her shirt, feeling the goosebumps of her skin at my contact. Her nipples were sword-sharp and begging to be squeezed along with the rest of her breast. She felt like a dream, a cloud. But it wasn’t enough.
She wanted more too. She reached down and pulled her top over her head and I saw Perry’s succulent chest in all its glory. I wished it wasn’t so dark, so I could see more than just the hint of creamy skin on a hot, rounded silhouette. Her eyes were heavy with lust, begging for me to continue. Oh god, I was trying so fucking hard not to come and I didn’t even have my pants off.
I went for her neck and chest again, licking every inch of her, consuming every good thing she was. She moaned and I almost couldn’t handle it.
Then her hands were at my pants. I was more than happy to get them off but when her firm grip found my cock, felt how stone hard I was, I knew I was in big trouble. I groaned with pleasure. Loudly. I wanted more but an extra second of groping and it would all be over very fast. And I still had plans. Very wet plans.
I moved back and out of her reach.
I was in control now.
I parted her soft, full legs with my hands and brought my head south. I had a few moves to give her before the main course.
I took my finger and flicked the yielding skin underneath her knee. Then I twisted my head around and did the same act with my tongue, flicking it gently in teasing motions. Her leg tensed up and she made a whimpering sound. She was relishing it like I hoped she would. Her legs even parted more, an obvious invitation.
I accepted.
I took my hand and spread her lips open, running a finger up and down her clit. She was swollen as fuck and as wet as a Slip N’ Slide, and it was only going to get more slippery.
I put my lips to her thick wet ones and pushed in my tongue. She was perfect. She tasted perfect, her own type of musky perfume that made my cock even harder until it was flat up against my stomach. It cried out for her touch, begged to come but I couldn’t indulge it. This was about her.
She needed me and I was going to give her what she needed.
Her hips were rising, trying to meet my face. My tongue was pushing her over the edge. I didn’t want her to go over yet. I wanted to see her, all of her, when she did.
I pulled back and brought my chest onto hers, our sweat mingling. I put two fingers inside of her where they disappeared into the wetness, like she was hungry. With my other hand I grabbed hold of her soft hair and made a fist in it. I pulled it back slightly and her eyes flew open at the delicious pain. I tugged and stroked, hands and fingers, hair and slickness. I did it over and over again until I was almost coming myself. It was painful for me, to hold it back, but I had to.
When she finally came, it was the most beautiful, amazing, fucktastic, heart-grabbing moment of my life. She cried out, an act of instinct. I could hear the pleasure rolling out of her mouth in waves before it slowed to a whimper. It almost sounded hurt but I knew better.
I brought my fingers out of her and rested them on her stomach. I was tempted to lick them off but that probably would have skeeved her out and I didn’t want to do anything to ruin the moment.
When she came back down from her high, she rolled her head over and stared at me. I stared right back. We had just crossed a major barricade. I was as turned on as fucking hell and we needed to leave things as they were. I gave her what she needed and that’s all I needed.
She reached for my face with her hand and tenderly stroked the side of my cheek. Her look said everything and it was too much. Reality began to sink in, competing with my dick for bragging rights.
What the fuck just happened? What the hell had I done to us?
Perry might have picked up on the change, I don’t know, but she started reaching for my cock and I wasn’t having any of that. Believe me I wanted nothing more than to ram it in her, to really feel how wet she was, to know her from the inside and embrace me like no one else could. I was hard as iron and it was going to go to waste without being inside her.
“I’m sorry,” I said feebly. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?” she asked. She didn’t know. She didn’t know how things would go if I continued. How further down the hole she and I would fall. We didn’t even have a fucking condom, did she really want to end up pregnant? Perhaps with another abortion? Did I want to end up with another version of Jenn?
No. That wasn’t fair. If Perry got pregnant that would be something entirely different. But that wasn’t our reality. I wasn’t with her. I was just her partner. I was with Jenn and that’s who I deserved to spend the rest of my life with.
I just got Perry off, gave into the tension that seemed to wrap around us every time we were together. It was a mistake, even if it was the most unregrettable mistake I ever made.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I told her. “And I will.”
And I knew from the look in her big eyes, I already did.
If you look up “Biggest Douchebag on the Planet” in the dictionary, you’ll see my picture.
SHE LOVES ME NOT
Sometimes you can foresee certain moments in your life. For me, it’s usually a moment based on a lie. Cause and effect. You lie, you hide something from the world and you know one day someone will uncover the truth. And you know when that happens, it won’t be pretty.
It will be ugly.
It will be the screaming face of your partner and she howls at you. The tears in her eyes that she’s trying so hard to hold back. It’s that look in her face that you just stabbed her in the gut and kicked over the side of a cliff. It’s all the trust she ever had in you coming leaking out like an invisible stream of lost promises.
This was Perry the momen
t she found out that it had been Jenn all this time leaving the anonymous comments. I didn’t imagine it going down any other way. I knew I’d be driving that sword into her. I knew she’d break inside. Suffer.
Or maybe it’s that I’d be the one breaking. I’d suffer, from knowing what a dipshit I was. Perry and me, it was always one step forward, two steps back. I’d felt like we were finally making ground and then I had to tell her the truth.
The truth always sets my ass back.
She had turned away from me, whimpering her words through anger. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
What a place for it all to come out too. Locked in the dark basement of a haunted mental asylum. Actually, it was quite fitting. We had been driving each other insane for too long.
I reached out for her in the darkness, my hand resting on her shoulder.
She whipped around like a caged animal. A glimpse of feral hate in her eyes.
“Don’t you fucking touch me!” she screamed, her voice echoing in the damp room.
No. I couldn’t listen to that. I couldn’t bear to have this between us. I needed to touch her, to know there was some part of her still mine.
Instinctively I grabbed her wrists and held on tight.
“I’m sorry,” I said, searching her eyes for something. Anything.
“Let go of me!” she roared. I had found something. She was about to punch me in the face. I knew that look all too well.
Fuck, I was a jackass.
“Fine, punch me!” I yelled back at her, frustration rising. “But you have to listen to me first.”
She wouldn’t have any of it. “You’re a fucking liar!”
And I was. I gripped her wrists tighter and pulled her up to me, needing her to listen, to see me, to hear me out. She relented, her dark hair whipped around her face in a frenzy. But she let me hold her up to me. She let me speak.
The Dex-Files (Experiment in Terror #5.7) Page 9