Finding Forever

by Linda Oaks

  Scanning the crowded restaurant, I finally spotted Addie sitting in one of the red vinyl booths in the back. She was busy texting on her phone and had yet to see me. It could be considered mean, but I was somewhat relieved that Jake wasn’t joining us today since I needed some girl time with my bestie. I’d missed her, and still couldn’t believe she was having a baby.

  “Hey kiddo,” Fred stated when I finally made my way through the crowd and up to the counter where he was handing back a customer their change. “Long time no see,” he said as he closed the register while smiling at me. It had been a long time. It was good to see a familiar face, especially one that wasn’t associated with all of the painful reminders of my past.

  “Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Santa Claus?” I asked, making him chuckle.

  “Being Santa’s twin has its perks. It’s great for business during the month of December.” He replied with a wink, and then leaned against the counter pointing a finger to his bearded cheek.

  Growing up, I’d eaten many a meal at Fred’s. He was like the grandfather I’d never had since my dad’s side of the family wasn’t in the picture and my mom’s dad had passed away from a massive heart attack when I was three. Turning sideways I managed to squeeze in between the tiny space among the stools, stepped up onto the ledge beneath the counter, and leaned across it pressing my lips against Fred’s cheek.

  The smell inside the diner was starving me to death; all of my favorite foods combined into one heavenly intoxicating scent. Customers chattering, busy waitresses bussing tables, and the clattering clang of the icemaker made me feel at home. It was almost as if I’d never left. Somehow time had managed to stand still at Fred’s. The place looked exactly the same, right down to the Maxwell House can Fred kept sitting on the counter filled with crayons.

  “How’s life been treating you, Kara?” he asked, his blue eyes twinkling with happiness as he studied my upturned face.

  “Can’t complain, Fred. It wouldn’t do any good even if I did,” I told him, and he shook his head at my flippant remark as I stepped back down from the ledge between the stools only to feel a tiny hand grab a hold of my knee.

  Sticky fingers clung to my skin. Startled, I glanced down to find a small dark haired boy wearing a red baseball cap. He was staring up at me and was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. He was dressed in denim shorts, a red T-shirt with a green turtle on the front and a pair of brown cowboy boots even though it was the middle of summer. A tiny, red, metal fire truck was clutched in his chubby hand.

  “Hey buddy,” I said, smiling at him as I bent down on one knee until we were close to eye level. “Sorry, I almost stepped on you,” I apologized, noticing the faint curls at the tip ends of his thick dark hair. A smattering of freckles decorated his button nose, and frosty blue eyes curiously observed me from underneath the bill of his red hat.

  “You’re pretty,” the little boy stated, making me giggle. He definitely wasn’t shy, and I imagined twenty years from now, he would be quite the lady’s man. His tiny hand reached for my hair and twisted a lock of it around his stubby little finger. “Sunshine,” he mumbled, staring at the golden strands as if fascinated.

  “You’re pretty, too,” I told him, but he didn’t take my compliment as I’d expected. Instead, he glanced from my hair and frowned at me crinkling his button nose.

  “Guys aren’t pretty,” he informed me in a no nonsense tone. I couldn’t help but laugh at his seriousness. He could deny it all he wanted. He was cute.

  “How old are you?” I asked, since he seemed mature for his age. He looked down at his chubby hand then began to hold up one finger at a time until finally stopping at three.

  “He’s three.” A voice replied, confirming his age for him. I hadn’t even noticed anyone else besides him.

  “He’s a sweetheart,” I said, glancing up to smile at the woman who was now standing directly behind him. It was then that I found myself staring at none other than Blair Simms. My skin prickled, and an eerie sensation teased my spine making me want to cringe beneath her cold stare. Something inside of me clicked. It was one of those déjà vu moments. He seemed familiar. It was those eyes and that hair. My gaze jerked back to the little boy still standing in front of me holding his fire truck.

  My chest tightened. Everything in the room began to blur. It was as if I had tunnel vision and all I could focus on was him and the color of his eyes. The chatter inside the dinner trickled to a dim roar filling my ears with nothing but static. Vaguely, I heard Addie call my name, but she sounded far away and off in the distance.

  “What’s your name?” I asked, dimly noting that Blair had now taken his hand and was pulling him away from me. When he refused to move, she bent down picking him up and placed him on her hip.

  “Jagger,“ he replied, while Blair ignored me and paid their bill. When Fred handed her the change, she briefly glanced my way and shot me a nasty glare. Every muscle inside of my body contracted into one painful ball of unease. I felt sick.

  All of the sudden, Addie was standing beside of me. Her hands were gripping my arms. I heard her repeating my name over and over, but I couldn’t tear my gaze away from him. Not even when Blair turned and walked for the door. It wasn’t every day you saw eyes the color of his. As if in a trance, my feet followed after them. Unconsciously, I brushed Addie aside focused on one thing and one thing only.

  “Don’t, Kara,” Addie begged, but the desperation in her voice did nothing to deter me. I had to know. I followed them out into the parking lot. Blair was not leaving Fred’s until I found out that little boy’s entire name.

  “What’s his last name, Blair?” I asked, trailing behind them. She ignored me and sat him down on the pavement beside of her car. He immediately squatted, balancing on the balls of his feet, and began to run the toy fire truck over the asphalt. Back and forth, I watched his movements. His small face shielded by the ball cap. I heard him mimic the sounds of a fire engine. Blair began digging through her designer bag. She pulled out a set of keys and quickly opened the back door.

  Anxiously, I watched as she picked him up, placed him into his car seat, and buckled him in. He waved at me. She tugged off his cap and brushed his sweaty dark hair from his forehead. Then, she kissed his chubby baby cheek. There was an overwhelming sense of loss that settled over me. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew he would smell like baby lotion and powders. Earlier, I’d caught the faint scent of them while talking to him in the dinner.

  Blair refused to acknowledge my presence. She closed the door hard, slamming it. When she opened her own though, I grabbed her arm. There was no way in hell she was driving away until I had an answer. Angry green eyes flashed back at me.

  “Get your fucking hands off of me, Kara! You’re so pathetic!” She exclaimed, raising her voice to a deafening screech. Her beautiful face twisted into a mask of disgust. I glanced at the back seat where the little boy sat. He was still playing with his fire truck unaware of all of the drama unfolding.

  “Kara, please,” Addie begged frantically, her hand gripping my forearm. Her chocolate brown eyes were wide and stricken. My gaze shifted to Blair. “Just walk away. Just walk away.” I heard Addie chant.

  If only it were that easy, I thought, refusing to let go of Blair’s arm even when she tried to jerk free from my grasp. If only I could walk away. “What’s his name?” I asked, repeating my earlier question. My voice cracking beneath the force of my words. Blair snarled at me then her pouty red lips curved into a superior smile.

  “Jagger. Devon. McGraw,” she stated, placing emphasis on each word that she spoke.

  It felt as if I were trapped in a nightmare — one I couldn’t wake up from. This time Blair pulled easily from my grasp, and I let her go. All of my hopes and dreams were crushed with a single name. Nothing else mattered. Damn Devon and his secrets!

  Deep down, I knew that Blair was telling the truth. The little boy looked too much like Devon not to belong to him.
Numbly, I stood frozen in place feeling helpless as I stared after her. She climbed into her car without a second glance at me and drove away. I watched until her car disappeared from sight. My lower lip trembled, and I bit down hard on it, trying to feel anything that would erase the emptiness or quiet the words she’d left ricocheting inside of my head.

  Arms wrapped around me. It was then that I realized my cheeks were wet, and I was shaking like a leaf caught in a hailstorm. “I wanted to tell you, Kara, but it wasn’t my place. Devon should have been the one—” Addie said, crying right along beside of me. She hugged me tighter.

  The moment was somewhat surreal since I’d always been the one to comfort her. I’d always tried to be positive and looked on the bright side of life despite its ugliness. There wasn’t a bright side any longer. What else was Devon keeping from me? I didn’t know if I could do this. Blair had crushed my soul with her confession. Everything was ugly and tainted, even my friendship with Addie. I pulled away unable to bear her touch, unable to comprehend what she’d just confessed to me. I couldn’t believe Addie would keep a secret of this magnitude since she knew how I felt about Devon. He was it for me.

  “Kara,” Addie repeated, over and over. She said my name numerous times, but I couldn’t concentrate or speak. I could barely even breathe.

  I’d thought I’d known heartache, the kind that breaks you, but somehow you still walk around breathing. The kind of pain that leaves your heart fractured — raw, aching and bleeding, filled with the numerous tiny cracks that no amount of time can erase and no explanations can ever heal. Those cracks morph into crevices embedding their way deeper and deeper inside your heart. Every time you blinked or even breathed the cracks grew larger with each breath and the pain hurt worse. There was no escaping it, that constant reminder that mocked your loss and your own stupidity. I was such a fool!

  Today, standing outside of Fred’s, I’d officially hit rock bottom. The time I’d spent with Devon yesterday meant nothing to me now. The words, the kisses, and the promise of the next few days in his company were all gone in the blink of an eye. Everything had changed. Every moment I’d spent with him had been a lie. Knowing the truth went beyond heartbreak. It not only crushed my will but the hopes that, just maybe, Devon and I would eventually work everything out. Before I had a complete meltdown, I had to get the hell out of this place. I didn’t have time to worry about Addie… not right now. Even though she was trying desperately to get me to talk to her, I could not stomach the betrayal. I was being a bitch, but I couldn’t help it. I ran for my Escort parked at the end of the lot, my mind buzzing as I tried to comprehend what in the hell had just happened.

  Devon had a child with someone else. This was my truth. No matter how hard or painful that may be regarding the history we’d shared together, he’d created a life with someone else. He’d taken everything I’d given him and betrayed it selfishly, giving away a piece of himself to that evil witch, Blair. Jagger could have been mine… ours. There was no coming back from this. The situation seemed as hopeless as I felt. And still my damn heart betrayed me — it still belonged to him.

  Addie banged on my side window startling me. I’d been lost in my thoughts. Instead of looking at her, I started my car and shifted it into drive. “Kara,” she yelled frantically, her fists pounding against the glass. Tears streamed down her cheeks. Her expression was stricken. In that moment, I actually felt bad for the way I’d treated her even though I was the victim in all of this. It wasn’t Addie’s fault, but it hurt like hell knowing she’d kept this from me. Even if I wanted to blame her… I couldn’t. Sighing, I rolled down my window halfway.

  “I’m sorry, Kara.” Addie sniffled. “I love you.”

  I loved her, too. She was like a sister to me, but I needed to get out of here. I had to. “Addie, please, I need to be alone. I’ll call you later.”

  At this point, I was amazed I could even form a sentence. Addie nodded her head in understanding, seeming somewhat relieved that I was speaking to her. Sometimes, we don’t have to agree with a person’s actions to still love them. Rolling up the window, I pulled out of the parking space leaving her behind. For hours, I drove aimlessly with no purpose. My cell rang multiple times, but I didn’t bother answering it.

  The sky that had once been filled with sunshine, holding the promise of a beautiful day, had turned a dismal gray. Finally I gave my signal, slowing the car down, and pulled over onto the side of some back road and cut off my engine. Where in the hell was I? Through my windshield I could see approaching storm clouds gathered in the distance and they were steadily moving my way. Those heavy gray clouds didn’t look good, and the irony of how they fit my mood made me sadly chuckle. A splatter of rain hit my windshield. Suddenly the sky unleashed. Rain poured down in buckets.

  Homecomings were always bitter sweet. I should have never returned to Crawley. It would have been better if I’d just stayed away since there was nothing here for me but more heartache and misery. I was trembling. My shoulders shook. With no one around to witness, I allowed myself to give into all of the hurt and unhappiness trapped inside of me. Tears fell along with the rain, which was now coming down so hard the landscape blurred to a dark gray before me.

  Laying my head against the steering wheel, I clenched my hands in my lap. My nails dug into the skin of my palms as a sob worked its way up my throat and burst past my lips. Once it escaped, more followed. I was a mess. After a really good cry, I lifted my head, wiped my cheeks, and reached into the back seat for a box of tissues to blow my nose.

  With a weary sigh, I noticed that the sky seemed lighter now. It didn’t appear as heavy, but the rain continued to fall in a slow, steady drizzle. After a storm, everything always appeared shinny and new. It was wishful thinking to assume that a good cry would do the same for me. It didn’t work that way. In fact, it only made me feel worse.

  Up ahead in the distance were headlights from an approaching vehicle. According to the clock on my dash, I’d been sitting here for the last forty minutes. This was the first sign of life I’d seen. As the lights grew near, I noticed they belonged to a pickup truck.

  Oh shit, I thought. Please no! Not now! It looked just like Clyde’s. Not wanting to take a chance that it was Devon driving, I turned my key in the ignition preparing to leave, but instead of my Escort firing up… it sputtered and refused to turn over.

  “Piece of shit!” I muttered, slamming my hands against the steering wheel in frustration just as the truck slowed to creep past. Through the window, Clyde’s eyes met mine. Oh, no! I made eye contact. I glanced up in the rearview mirror silently praying that he would keep driving, but instead his signal flashed and he pulled over onto the shoulder of the road.

  “Fucking hell,” I muttered, grabbing my cell and purse from the floorboard. This was just my luck! I would have been better off if some random stranger had stopped to help me instead of Clyde. Quickly, I glanced into the mirror grimacing at my reflection. I looked like shit. My face was all splotchy and red.

  Since there was no other way around this, I unlocked my door and climbed out discretely pulling my dress down my thighs. The rain had picked up, and since I didn’t carry an umbrella, I was going to get soaked. Rain pelted my skin, damping my dress. Clyde was already out of his truck and walking my way.

  “What in the world are you doing out here by yourself, Kara?” he asked in disbelief.

  Taking a deep breath, I prayed my voice wouldn’t wobble. “Just took a drive to clear my head and all. But now my car won’t start.”

  For a moment his keen eyes studied my face. The rain slid over his craggy features, soaking into every line of his face. Any other time Clyde would be wearing a hat; funny how he’d picked today not to have one. His gray hair was plastered to his head. His face was expressionless, but then he shook his head as if I were the crazy one for being out in this kind of weather.

  “Give me your keys.” He ordered.

  He was as grouchy as an old bear.
Deciding not to argue, I handed him my keys. He walked past me, opening the driver’s side door, and slid into the front seat. When he tried to start the engine, it didn’t make a sound. “She’s dead,” he replied, confirming what I’d already told him. I wanted to laugh, but feared my face would crack beneath the strain of a smile.

  “No shit,” I muttered when he climbed out of the car wearing a frown and handing me my keys.

  “Go get in the truck before you get soaked to the bone,” he said. “I’ll call Devon.”

  Hearing his words, the blood chilled in my veins. Devon was the one person I couldn’t handle seeing right now. “No,” I told him, watching his frown deepen. “I don’t want you to call Devon.”

  He appeared thoughtful for a moment then shrugged his shoulders and quickly motioned at the truck parked a few feet away from us. “Get in the truck, and let’s get out of here. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like standing out in the rain.”

  I followed after him and came around to the passenger side and opened the door, climbing inside the cab. Clyde shut his door at the exact same moment that I did and immediately started the engine. Even though summer had arrived in Crawley, Clyde turned the heat on. The rain was cold, and I was chilled to the bone. Goosebumps dotted every square inch of my skin. I started straight ahead, aware of Clyde watching me. I could feel the weight of his stare.

  “Listen, little gal,” he began, and I glanced over at him, secretly hoping my poker face was intact and would be enough to disguise my runaway emotions. Clyde was shrewd and saw too much at times. I didn’t need him meddling in my business.

  “I’m not moving this truck until you tell me why you don’t want me calling Devon.” Fine, I thought, if that’s how we were going to play this out.

  “I know, Clyde.” I informed him, and he causally took a handkerchief from his front pocket rubbing his damp face. He surprised me when he started laughing.