by CL Walters
“What the fuck is going on? Why won’t either of you tell me?”
Gabe faces Seth again. “He should.”
Seth looks at the clock again watching the time with interest. He looks at me and then says with another one of those forced smiles, “I’ll tell you some other time, but right now I can’t.”
“Why didn’t you text me back? Return my phone calls?” I ask.
Seth watches Gabe a moment. I turn my head and see that Gabe’s watching me, his jaw tense as if he’s hurt by my questions, but not specifically hurt by my asking them. His eyes aren’t weighted with anger, but instead with compassion. Seth says, “I couldn’t.” He pauses, and looks at me and adds, “Then I didn’t want to.”
My mouth drops open and my eyes fill with tears, as if he’d just punched me in the stomach.
I feel Gabe tense next to me even though we aren’t touching.
“I should have known this was coming,” Seth says with vehemence that I don’t understand.
“Yeah. You should have,” Gabe says. I can tell that he’s angry, his hands compressed into fists, but he’s still playing the role for the audience around the cafeteria.
I swallow keeping the tears inside, but it takes effort when I ask, “Why do I feel like I don’t know what’s happening?”
Seth looks at the clock and then back at the table to say to no one in particular, “You should know. It’s all over school.”
“What is?”
“You and him.” He looks at me then and I see his hurt. The way that his eyes search my face and the hard mask he draws over his features.
“What is?” I ask because I don’t know what he’s talking about. I glance at Gabe who’s looking down at the table but who’s smirking as though he’s enjoying the moment. “What’s wrong with you?” I ask both of them, my eyes volleying between the two.
Seth leans back and rubs his hands over his thighs. “Mr. Robinson talked to me, told me you came to see him.” He puts his elbows on the table and then leans forward. “I saw you two on Main Street together.”
Gabe clears his throat. “What did you see, Peters?” he asks and the surprise is evident in his voice as if he’s been caught unawares.
“We did go see Mr. Robinson. You wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. I thought-” I say.
“Thought what?”
“That maybe-” but I can’t say it. I can’t say what I was afraid of because I think it isn’t a worry anymore but very close to the truth.
“Maybe you’d been killed by your awesome padre,” Gabe finished for me.
Seth retreats, backing away from the table, but he stays seated.
“Gabe, stop,” I say and the sadness for what I’m sure Seth has gone through sobers me. “I asked Gabe for help because he knows.”
Seth looks at the clock again and this time stands up. “I have to go,” he says.
The eyes of those around us skitter away.
“I just wanted to help,” I tell him.
Seth turns away from us, takes a step or two and then turns back around. I wonder if this is all part of this weird Machiavellian drama too. He leans against the table top with both hands flat on the surface. “Look, whatever. I’ll be happy for you. If that’s what you want.” He stands back up and smiles brightly at the same time the bell rings ending lunch. “I’ll see you guys later.” He extends his hand one more time, and Gabe complies with a special handshake only they know.
Seth turns and walks away.
I stand to go after him but Gabe gently takes my hand and pulls me back. “Let him go,” he says quietly.
“What the fuck, Gabe?” I snap.
He leans forward and says into my ear, though anyone around us might think that we were flirting. “Abby. He just did that for our benefit - you and me - that weird little show was Seth Peters blessing for the Cantos social scene.”
I draw back and search his face trying to understand. Seth’s attempt to end The Freak Challenge? My eyes stray to where Seth disappeared from the cafeteria. Seth trying to change the social structure at Cantos High? Seth’s way of standing up for us? Why?
“You going to ruin it?” Gabe asks.
Looking around the room, I see that Gabe is right. People’s eyes dart from watching Seth leave the room to us and then away again. The vultures taking in everything to add to the rumor mill. I can hear it already: Did you see Seth and Gabe talking today? Will there be a fight after school? No way, dude! They were chummy. If Darnell and Rachel like them, and now Seth, maybe they aren’t such freaks?
I move to sit across the table from Gabe and face him so I don’t have to look at any of the assholes cataloguing what’s happened. I also don’t want anyone seeing what I’m about to say. “Why?”
Gabe shrugs.
“Don’t you dare shrug at me,” I say. “You aren’t acting like yourself.”
“Yeah, I am.”
“No, you aren’t,” I say. “This isn’t who you are with me.”
“Whatever, Abby. Like you care.”
His words are a slap that push me back and away from him. “Wow. Okay. I guess you won’t have to see how I care,” I say and stand.
“Abby,” Gabe says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
But I walk away from the table without looking back not concerned about the dumb social scene at Cantos High has to say about that.
I’m able to make it through English, grunt through Hannah’s inquisition, plan to be there for her Halloween Community Service Project, but I don’t have it in me for art. I can’t see Gabe or Seth (who probably won’t be there anyway) because I’m smarting from both of them and whatever weird dynamics I don’t understand between them. So, I go home. Mom is there and feels my forehead. She sends me to bed, where I cry, and she calls the school. The worst part, is that even though I don’t want to, I miss taking Gabe home from school and the laughter I’d found in my life afraid that maybe it’s gone for good.
28
THE UGLY TRUTH
“Abby!” Hannah gushes when I arrive at the community center. She’s dressed like she said she would in a yellow Regency style dress.
“So, who are you?” I ask.
“Jane. From Pride and Prejudice.” She draws the skirt out with her hands and twirls.
“It fits,” I say smiling. I look around at all of the little kids in costume. Hannah’s service project - taking kids around the neighborhood for their parents for a small fee donated to a children’s charity - is ingenious. Hello college resume. There is every Disney Princess represented, Star Wars characters and ninjas. Several monsters and even angels. I’m overcome with their cuteness.
My eyes collide with Seth’s across the room. He didn’t dress up, like I didn’t. My smile hardens and I turn away not sure how I feel. His accusations hurt, and even if I’ve begun to acknowledging feels for Gabe, I’ve never acted on it, not while things were unclear with Seth. Besides, there was never any agreements made between Seth and I! And who was the one who stopped talking to whom? Him! I feel justified in my indignation and my hurt has developed a callous like my smile.
Hannah, aware of the tension says, “I put you as chaperone partners.” She grimaces.
“It’s fine. I can be mature,” I say. The truth is, though, while I might be holding it together on the outside, on the inside I’m a mess. Just the sight of Seth, makes it difficult to breathe though I can’t be sure it’s from anything but my own insecurity. His sudden distance, and the assumptions he’s made. I wish I could have talked to him, but the other day solidified that he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m not sure how this partnership will go, but I’m going to do my best for Hannah.
“I’m so glad you are here,” she says grabbing onto my arm. “I think there might be more kids than we anticipate.” I smile when she says this, holding me with her gloved hands. Hannah looks like she could be from the time period in which she’s dressed. “What?” She asks.
“You’re perfect,” I tell her.
Hannah calls over all of the chaperone and fills us all in on the logistics for the evening. She hands out our reflective safety vests and our lists, the one I have to share with Seth. I glance at him and see that he’s looking at me. He smiles at me tentatively and I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I look at him longer than necessary to prove I won’t cower in his almighty presence.
Seth finds me when Hannah is done with her directions. It’s time to round up our little Halloween crew.
“I’m surprised you came,” I tell him. “Thought you might go to that Halloween party.”
“I had better things to do tonight,” Seth says and makes sure to maintain eye contact. “And, I promised, Hannah.”
I’m the first one to look away when our group of costumed children are ushered our way.
We share five elementary school aged children. Anthony, a seven-year-old Luke Skywalker; Eddie, a six-year-old vampire with the meanest widow’s peak I have ever seen; five-year-old Beth who’s an Indian Fairy Princess; Isabella, a seven-year-old angel and seven-year-old Red Devil, Will. Seth maintains the map of our route through the suburban neighborhood while I maintain the headcount. Halfway through, Seth and I switch duties. There isn’t time to talk because the kids keep us moving and cognitively engaged. Despite my irritation with him, I smile watching Seth attempting to keep Red Devil Will and Luke Skywalker Anthony from sword fighting with their trick-or-treat glow sticks. It is a relief to round the final corner into the community center where the parents are waiting for their children.
After all of the little ones have been signed back to their parents and Hannah’s event has been a success, she turns to us and asks, “Are you going to Liz’s Halloween party?”
“No,” Seth says. “I’m going home.”
“No.” I say “You?” I ask Hannah.
“Yes. I’m going to meet Darnell there.”
“Mr. Bingley, perhaps Jane?” I smile at her. She shushes me and shakes her head with a becoming blush and glance at her feet. I glance around for Seth’s truck but don’t see it and despite my ire ask him, “Did you drive?”
He shakes his head. “No. Walking.”
“Need a ride?” I ask now annoyed with myself for even caring. “I have my car.”
He hesitates which adds fuel to my indignation. I don’t even know why I am trying, but I supposed on some level I feel like I need closure. Then he must change his mind about talking with me and says, “Sure.”
I glance at Hannah who’s speaking to me with her eyes. I shake my head at her.
“Well,” Hannah says, “Happy Birthday, tomorrow, Abby.” She gives me a hug. “I’ll call you and fill you in.”
“Sounds good,” I tell her and back out the door. Seth follows me out. “I’m out this way,” I say. When we get to the car, I unlock it, climb in and wait for Seth to get into the passenger’s seat.
“Have any plans for tomorrow?” he asks. “For your birthday?”
“No. Just a quiet day at home,” I say and turn Brutus’s ignition until the car rumbles. “Mom is making my favorite dinner.” Even with my annoyance, I consider that we might need more time than just a car ride home to talk. “Do you have time for some fries at The Diner on the way home?”
“I wish,” he says and looks down at his hands. “Sorry. My parents want me to come straight home. I barely got out to do this.”
His admission does something to my throat. I think about his demeanor, his behavior, the bruises. The apology like he wishes for something different. I drive Brutus from the lot and out into the roadway. I think about his absence from school from my life and realize I need to do my best despite my hurt to try and understand. “Do I have to drop you a block away again?”
“That’s probably a really good idea,” he says.
The car ride goes quiet and while our silences have previously been comfortable, this one is not. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to ask, but I don’t know how. I’m doubting myself, my thinking, my perspective. I don’t want to ruin what little threads remain between us. I finally decide to say, “I tried to go after you the other day, in the cafeteria.”
He doesn’t look at me, just keeps his head facing forward.
“You’re right. Gabe and I have become-” I pause and then say, “friends.” It seems the most accurate description. “He and Hannah got me through those first weeks after the video, when you were -” I hesitate and then say, “after your accident.”
“Accident,” he says almost like it will make him sick. “You don’t have to tell me. Don’t owe me an explanation, Abby. Actually, it makes me feel like shit because it reminds me that I wasn’t there for you. He was. Again.” His voice is loaded with rancor, though it doesn’t sound directed toward me or Gabe rather himself.
Annoyed, I say eyes forward as I drive through town, “I obviously have to tell you, because you jumped to conclusions about it. You didn’t ask. And yes, he was there and I will never be able to thank him enough.” I let that sink in but ask the question that I’m more interested in knowing: “What happened to you?”
We drive through Main Street.
“I think you know. It’s why you went to Mr. Robinson.”
“You have to get out of there, Seth,” I say.
“He took everything away from me. My phone, my truck. My mom took me to the hospital and told them it was a random fight. I was there for three days. So, when Mr. Robinson called me in that first day back, I had to lie to him.”
“Why? Why didn’t you tell him the truth?”
“And then what, Abby?”
“And they’ll get you out. They’ll call child protective services.”
“And then what? Here’s what: the cops come to investigate. They either take me or leave me. If they take me, guess who gets it?”
“Your mom.”
“And if they leave me? How do you think he’ll be? You think he’ll suddenly see the error of his ways? No. He’ll drink himself into a stupor if he isn’t already there and then take it out on me. I’m out in a year. I turn 18 next year. I’m focused on getting the fuck out of here. That’s it.”
“And will you leave your mom then?” I ask him. “Because you’ll still be in school - a senior. Then will you leave her to go to college?” He looks down at his hands. I see the remnants of a bruise on his cheekbone in the light. “Your mom is an adult, Seth. She should be taking care of you, not the other way around.”
“Don’t,” he says. “You sound like Gabe.”
“Because it’s the truth,” I exclaim. I pull the car over onto the shoulder a block from his house and cut the engine. It is clear that he doesn’t want to hear me. He doesn’t want to ponder his mom’s role in it all, so I change the subject. “Tell me what happened with Gabe. I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”
“It’s a little too late for that.”
“What don’t I know, Seth?”
“A lot. He still hasn’t told you?”
“He won’t tell me. He says you should be the one, but he doesn’t think you will.”
“You guys talk a lot.”
“Yes,” I say. “I told you. He’s been there.”
Seth is silent.
“I don’t understand what is going on here. I don’t understand why you’ve stopped talking to me. I don’t understand why all of the sudden I’m the bad guy. I don’t understand how we could go from what we were a month ago to what we are right now.” I hear the tears in my voice and I hate it.
He sighs and leans his head back against the headrest, eyes closed.
“Talk to me, Seth.”
He is quiet a long time. I watch some trick-or-treaters in the distance. The minutes stretch into the darkness and I don’t know if he’s going to open up. Then he starts talking, “There was this girl.” A girl screeches drawing our attention as a zombie chases and catches her. The monster swings her around and they disappear into the darkness. “It was freshman year. Gabe and I had been best friends for a long tim
e, since fourth or fifth grade. I think it was right after your grandma moved away.”
Another set of trick-or-treaters, middle school age, pass the car and giggle when they see us sitting in the car. I watch Seth as he continues telling the story. “Anyway, this girl - I really liked her. It’s strange that I can’t remember her name - I found out she liked Gabe. She told me actually.” He looks at me and then back at his hands. “She was using me for information, using me to get close to him.
“I was so hurt. So hurt and angry, jealous because I liked her so much. Thing was, Gabe knew. He knew that she liked him, and I know that he never even looked at her like that because that’s the kind of friend he was, but I was so blind to my jealousy that I didn’t care. She’d chosen him over me and I wanted him to hurt as much as I hurt.”
I don’t want to hear the rest. I don’t because I think I know where it is going, but he keeps talking, the words tumbling out into a raging river headed for a waterfall. “I told this guy - it was the toughest kid in school at the time, a fighter named Brice - a made up version of Gabe’s life. A version that I knew would eat at the bully until he was able to fight Gabe and prove himself as the toughest kid in school.”
“Oh my god,” I say.
I don’t think he hears me, just barrels forward over the edge of the waterfall. “One day after school Brice called out Gabe in the parking lot. This senior idiot, thought he had to prove himself against a freshman and beat Gabe to a bloodied pulp. Gabe didn’t lift a finger to protect himself, even though I knew he could. Actually, Gabe could have done a lot more than just protect himself. He just didn’t. He just took the beating.” He stops.
Tears are streaming down my face and Seth looks at me. He has streaks flowing from his eyes too. “That’s when the Freak Challenge started. It was my fault.” His voice breaks, and he drops his face with a sob. “I did it.”
Suddenly, he is in my arms and clings to me, sobbing. I cry for him, for the ugly thing he did as a stupid fourteen-year-old. I cry for Gabe, caught in an ugly game for no fault of his own. I cry for Seth because I know what he’s going home to. I cry for myself, because I’m stuck in the mire between them, and I didn’t mean to be. It’s as though the universe has conspired against their feud and dropped unwitting me in the middle of it. It makes me so sad for all of us.