“You deserve better.” He looked so unsure, her chest ached.
“What do you mean?” Suddenly the world tipped off-kilter. She’d thought she knew where the conversation was headed, but it took a left turn somewhere. She was lost without a navigational system.
“I’m talking about you and me. It shouldn’t happen,” he said firmly. “It won’t happen.”
Gideon’s words stopped her in her tracks, like a huge metal door slamming shut. She could practically hear the echo and feel the reverberations as he put an end to her dreams before she’d had a chance to fully realize them.
“Why not?”
“I’m not your type, Lil.”
Her head began to throb. “Oh, what’s my type?”
“Walking.”
She stared at him, horrified. For a moment, she would have sworn he slapped her. Only his complete, utter stillness prevented her from touching her cheek to feel the burn. “How dare you?” She pulled away from him. “How dare you presume to know my type?” Her hands shook. “And how dare you assume I wouldn’t want a future with you just because you’re in a wheelchair.” She clenched her fists. “I deserve better than that.”
“You’re right, you do.” His voice grew louder. “You deserve someone who can dance with you, who can take care of you, who can be an equal partner with you.”
“And you can’t?”
Gideon snorted. “Dance with you?”
“Take care of me.”
He stared at his legs. “Not the way you should be taken care of.”
Anger boiled inside her. “Who says I want someone to take care of me? And even if I did, who says you can’t be that someone?”
His nostrils flared and his chest heaved. “I do.”
“Why?”
“Because of this chair.” He slammed his fist against the wall, and Lily jumped. He turned away from her, but she grabbed his chair. She’d never done that before, never dared to do it, knowing how he valued his independence. But she did now. Before he could react, she’d leaned forward, her face inches away from his.
“This chair is not the problem. The problem is you’re afraid. You’re too afraid of rejection, regardless of whether or not you use a wheelchair. You’re afraid of being rejected and you blame it on your chair.”
His eyes were flinty. “Who do you think you’re talking to?”
“My best friend, a wonderful man who has a lot to give to a relationship, but is so afraid a woman will be turned off by his legs, he won’t risk it.” Her chest expanded at her newfound ability to confront him, but it didn’t last.
The quiet after their outburst was palpable, and they each paused, panting. Finally, Gideon sliced through it and spoke, his voice hoarse with longing.
“Lil, I can’t ask someone to willingly volunteer for a life like this, when I would give anything, do anything, to avoid it.” He ran his hands angrily over the rims of the wheels.
Her heart felt like it was shrinking. Was he serious? “Why not?”
“Because what happens when it becomes too much for her? It’s not fair.”
“To whom? You or her?”
“You!” His face was contorted with grief.
“You want to know what’s not fair?” Lily stood and started to pace. If she sat still, her emotions would explode from her brain, so she struggled to ease their intensity—her anger at him for his lack of faith in her, her fear that the most important man in her life was about to roll through the door, her heartbreak over the depth of Gideon’s emotional wounds. Each time she spun on her heel, it dug into the carpet and she pictured each of Gideon’s hateful words ground into dust. “What’s not fair is your lack of faith in me. And in yourself.”
Gideon took a deep breath. “I have to be able to give you what you need, not ask you to sacrifice your happiness to be with me. I can’t have you thinking about what I can or can’t do, trying to help me, and pitying me.”
“I don’t!” Music filtered out from the ballroom and beckoned to her to rejoin party. But she wanted to remain outside, alone with him.
“But you will. If I ask you to be a part of my life, to make your life with mine, you’ll eventually be looking out for me, watching over me, seeing the chair, not the man.” His voice caught and he stopped.
“That’s not fair.”
“I know, but how fair will it be to me when you decide you can’t handle this relationship? I don’t want to dump everything on you and watch you walk out the door.”
“Relationship? What relationship? You’re making it perfectly clear we’ve never had one.” Lily was tired of the same conversation, over and over again. Was he so broken he couldn’t see past this? She reached for the side of his face. He stiffened. His cheek was warm, and the faint scratch of stubble tickled her palm. He flinched. “I don’t think the problem is with me, honey. I’ve never given you any reason to doubt me. I’ve never seen anything in you but the man. I want the man. I’m waiting for the man. When you’re ready to be the man, you let me know.” She squeezed his shoulder and left.
Chapter 20
Lily slipped quietly into her apartment.
“Hi, Ms. Livingston. You’re home early.” Tara turned off the TV and grabbed her purse.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, Tara.” She dug through her purse, past the crumpled tissues and her place card, for the money she owed her. “I’ll still pay you the full amount.”
“It’s okay, Ms. Livingston. You can just pay me for the time I was here.”
Lily took a deep breath and pasted on a smile. It hurt her cheeks and she doubted it would fool Tara. “No, I insist.”
Acquiescing, Tara took the money and walked toward the door. “Thank you. If you need anything else, let me know.”
As Lily bid Tara goodbye, Samantha and Tony strolled arm-in-arm down the hall.
“Hey, Lil, I was wondering where you went.” Samantha noticed Lily’s face. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
She tossed Tony her key, took Lily’s arm and led her into her apartment. She bumped the door shut with her hip, kicked off her three-inch Pradas and led Lily over to the sofa. “Talk to me.” She took Lily’s icy hand in her own and warmed it. “What did my brother do now?”
Lily gave her a watery grin and inhaled a jagged breath. She replayed the events of the evening as she fought the urge to crumple in a heap on the floor. Her stomach churned from the sumptuous flavors of the buffet combined with the stress of her encounter with Gideon. Her fingers burned where she’d caressed his cheek and brushed his whiskers. The scent of Samantha’s perfume was painful, because it reminded her of how much fun she’d had, until their fight.
“What have I done?”
“The only thing you could do. He’ll return to you when he’s ready.”
“If he’s ready,” Lily groaned.
“You don’t want him any other way.” Samantha squeezed her hand.
“I know.”
“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”
“No, it’s okay. Besides, Tony is waiting for you.” Her friend was finally happy and she didn’t want to ruin it for her.
“Yeah, but you’re my best friend.”
Lily hugged Samantha. She rested her head on her shoulder for a moment, as she drew strength from her bony friend. “Thanks. But go back to Tony. I’ll be fine.”
After eliciting a promise to call her if she needed her, Samantha exited Lily’s apartment and Lily went to bed.
****
Lily and Claire awoke to a sunny and warm Sunday.
At Samantha’s weekly brunch, everyone avoided all mention of Gideon or the wedding, which was easy since he wasn’t there, and Lily picked at her food; during a bike ride in the park, she almost ran three people over as her thoughts distracted her; while they ran errands, she forgot almost everything on her list; when she cleaned, she tried not to wait for the phone to ring. All day, she wondered if Gideon would call, wondered if she should call him and berated herself for her thoughts. I’m acting
like a desperate teenager.
By four o’clock, she couldn’t take anymore. Her body ached and her throat hurt from the huge lump that seemed to have assumed permanent residency. While Claire played a game on the computer, Lily sank onto the sofa and fell into an exhausted asleep. The telephone jarred her awake forty-five minutes later and she searched for it as she summoned the energy to wake up.
“Hello?”
“I hear you’re looking for a man.”
Relief surged through her body at the sound of Gideon’s deep voice and it took her breath away. “I am.” She sat up, gripped the phone in one hand and dug the other one into her waist.
“Will I do?”
This was it. She needed to know he’d taken her seriously and was willing to change. “No more second thoughts?”
“None.”
“Then absolutely.” She sank into the pillow and fought hysterical giggles that burbled from her stomach into her throat.
“Drop Claire at Samantha’s and come over right now.” His smile came through loud and clear.
****
The doorbell rang. Gideon wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, looked at his lap, where a single white lily rested, and positioned himself in the center of the room. “Come in,” he yelled.
The door opened and Lily peeked inside. Would he be enough? A small smile played about her lips as she walked toward him and he exhaled.
“I thought about what you said last night, and you were right. I’ve been afraid, and I’ve been unfair to you. You deserve better, but I want to be the one to give it to you.” He held up the flower. “So, will you let me?” He gripped the flower like a lifeline as he waited for her answer. His pulse pounded in his ears and he wondered for a moment if he’d be able to hear her reply. She’d implied last night she would go out with him, but he still wanted to see her reaction when she answered him. He searched hard for a sign of discomfort from her, but all he saw was joy.
“Yes.”
He relaxed, a little. He still had to be positive. “You’re not doing this out of pity, are you?”
She knelt next to him. “I pick up groceries for someone out of pity. I cook a meal for someone out of pity. I don’t make a life-affecting decision like this out of pity. I’m too selfish for that.” She grinned.
His chest eased. “And you know what you’re getting into?” He traced his finger over her jawbone and marveled at its delicacy.
“Really good parking spaces at the mall?” He chuckled. She could turn him on his ear at the drop of a hat, and it was one of his favorite things about her.
“Seriously,” he said.
“Well, not completely, no. But I don’t think anyone ever does. I mean a lot of it is going to be the same as it already is.” Lily grabbed his wrist and kissed his palm.
“You make it seem easy.” His heart seemed to freeze and then began to pound.
“No, not easy, Gideon. But easier, if we keep an open mind and talk to each other.” He flushed when he looked at her. She was right. “No more keeping our feelings to ourselves.”
He pulled her onto his lap and rested his forehead against hers, while grumbling in the back of his throat. She pulled away with surprise; when he winked, she laughed. He joined in, his baritone adding depth to her soprano, creating a symphony all their own.
****
The next evening, the phone interrupted Lily and Gideon as they watched a movie. They’d rented Casablanca in order to spend time together and not exclude Claire. The three of them made spaghetti for dinner and brownies for dessert, both Claire’s favorites. Gideon stared at her closed bedroom door as warmth filled his heart. She’d fallen asleep with chocolate on her face, and now he and Lily had the evening to themselves. She pressed pause and moved out of the circle of his arms.
“Do you want anything from the kitchen while I’m up?”
“No thanks, I’m fine.” Gideon grabbed a magazine off the table. He thumbed through Entertainment Weekly as he waited for her to return. He’d begun an article about Angelina Jolie when Lily’s words caught his attention.
“…sure, Tom, that sounds great. No, I don’t have any plans, and certainly none I can’t change…”
Tom? Who’s Tom? He didn’t remember a Tom. He wracked his brain as he replayed names of people she’d mentioned from work, or acquaintances of Samantha’s, but he couldn’t think of anyone. Who was this guy and what plans were they making? And what plans would she change? He took a deep breath and attempted to concentrate on the article. Angelina Jolie was sexy as hell, especially her voice. Actually, he liked more than her voice. Speaking of which, Lily’s had a lilt he hadn’t heard before. She bubbled and he frowned. Ugh, there I go again. Exasperated, he tossed the magazine onto the table and waited for Lily to get off the phone as he drummed his fingers on his knees. He met her gaze as she entered.
“Sorry.” She sounded out of breath. Her face was flushed as she flopped onto the sofa. “That was Tom, an old friend of Daniel’s.”
“Oh.” Somehow, that tidbit of information did nothing to satiate his desire for knowledge.
Lily paced. “I haven’t spoken to him in ages, not since I moved to New York. He tried to convince me to stay in Philly.”
So he wanted her to stay. Why?
“In the end, I did what I wanted and we haven’t spoken since.”
“He didn’t approve of your decision?”
“I don’t think it was that as much as his belief it was his job to take care of me in Daniel’s absence—which he did for a while.” Lily brushed imaginary lint off her pants. “But I realized in order to move on, I really needed to move on.”
“He didn’t call to check in on you?” Gideon found it hard to believe.
Lily leveled a gaze on him. The look in her eyes defended Tom more than her words could ever do, and Gideon backed off mentally. “I think we both have been so busy with work and life in general, we haven’t had a chance to talk. And we were both close to Daniel; I don’t think either of us wanted to discuss how we were coping. But, he’s coming to the city for work and we’re going to get together. I’m excited to see him!” Her eyes sparkled.
He held it a moment and released it. “That sounds great.”
“You have to understand, he and Daniel were like brothers. They went to Yale together, only Tom continued on to medical school. Now he’s a pediatrician in private practice outside of Philadelphia. He’s one of the nicest men I know —smart, funny, kind. The three of us used to always be together. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until he called.”
“You’ll have to introduce me.” He wanted to meet the man who had taken care of her. Maybe this Tom would answer a few questions for him, questions he couldn’t ask Lily.
Chapter 21
The phone on his desk rang, a shrill peal that attempted to divert Gideon, but he ignored it. Instead, he concentrated on his meeting proposal, as he tapped an uneven beat on the buttons of his keyboard. At the second ring, he flared his nostrils and glared at it as he waited for Stella to pick it up. On the third ring he swore, pushed away his keyboard and grabbed the phone. “Gideon Stone,” he barked.
“It’s me,” his sister said on the other end. He inhaled. “What is it, Sam? I’m busy.”
“This isn’t a social call, so chill. I just got a call from Claire’s school.” Her voice was high with concern.
Gideon frowned and rested his arm on the desk.
“Lily never showed to pick her up and there’s no answer at her office or at home or on her cell.”
His chest tightened and his knuckles whitened. Gripping the phone and pressing it to his head, he swallowed in an effort to keep his heart from pounding out of his chest. Lily was too careful to ever “forget” Claire. Something was wrong. “I’ll pick her up,” he said as he shut off his computer and threw things into his briefcase.
“No, I’ll go to her school; I’m the emergency contact. They’ll release her more easily to me. You go to Lily’s apartment and see if s
he’s there. There’s a spare key in my apartment on my fridge if you need it.” Her staccato commands emphasized her worry.
Gideon realized his sister made sense halfway out his office door. “Okay, I’ll call you when I know anything. And thanks for calling me.”
He left a brief note for Stella at her desk, grabbed a cab and rushed to Lily’s apartment. Once there, he let himself into the building, found Lily’s spare key on the refrigerator, hurried over to Lily’s and knocked on her door. When no one answered, he knocked again, louder. Still no answer. By now his pulse pounded in his ears and he gasped for air as if he had run a marathon.
He unlocked the door and entered her apartment. The stillness weighed on him. He smelled traces of coffee from breakfast and heard the sounds of Lily’s voice and Claire’s giggles as clearly as if they stood in front of him. But they didn’t. The hair on the nape of his neck prickled at the idea of being there alone. However, when he spotted Lily’s briefcase lying in the middle of the hallway, dread replaced his discomfort.
“Lily?” No answer. “Lil, are you here? It’s Gideon.” Still no answer. He searched the living room and kitchen, but didn’t see her. He peeked into her bedroom. She lay sprawled on the bed, her eyes closed. Her waxy face had a sheen of sweat on it. He wheeled over to her and shook her gently. She moaned, but didn’t wake up. He felt heat through the sleeve of her suit jacket and her forehead burned with fever. He continued to shake her and spoke to her in urgent tones.
“Lil, come on honey, open your eyes. It’s Gideon.” She remained unresponsive. Fear clamped down on him and for a moment, he couldn’t move. Another moan released him and he rushed into the bathroom, found a washcloth and ran it under cold water. After he wrung it out, he rushed over and put it on her forehead. Then he called Samantha. “Sam, I found her. She’s sick and I’m calling an ambulance. Keep Claire with you.”
A Heart of Little Faith Page 18