A Heart of Little Faith

by Jennifer Wilck

  His refusal to talk to her was killing her. Her muscles were sore, like she’d run a marathon. She understood from the very beginning that he had issues. Her throat ached every time he showed his uncertainty. They’d fought through them, though, and she’d hoped he’d learned to trust in her. Seeing how far he’d come had made her feel like together, they could conquer the world. But no matter how much progress they’d made, he didn’t trust her. She should give up on him. Forget about all of his wonderful qualities. Except she couldn’t. Because despite everything, she’d fallen in love with him.

  Now she sat in the kitchen drinking coffee, the rim of her coffee mug hurting her bruised lip, as she waited for Claire to wake up. The strong aroma of French Roast did nothing but turn her stomach. The only reason she drank it was to have something to do. They were supposed to go to Samantha’s today for brunch, but Lily didn’t feel up to it. Her body was like lead and ached everywhere. It was all she could do to drag herself out of bed and make coffee; each joint protested as she forced them to move in their accustomed patterns. She’d felt like this after Daniel died, after she’d grieved. Like life would be endless alone. The worst part about it was, she’d allowed herself to believe in a different future, that love could happen twice.

  Not to mention Claire. What in the world was she going to say to her? Lily dropped her head into her arms and cried.

  The sound of footsteps made her look up and wipe her face. Claire stood there, watching her.

  “What’s wrong, Mom?” She rushed over, an anxious expression on her face.

  “Nothing, sweetie. I’m just a little sad this morning.” Lily finished wiping her face and hugged Claire. She relished the feel of her daughter’s body in her arms.

  “Well, let’s call Gideon. He always makes me feel better when I’m sad.” She pulled away and rushed to the phone. Lily grabbed it.

  “No, honey, I don’t think he can help me. Why don’t you and I go out for a special breakfast today, just the two of us?”

  “But isn’t it Sunday? We always eat with Samantha on Sunday, Mom. I’d rather do that.” She skipped toward her room, oblivious to Lily’s pain.

  She sighed, dumped the rest of her coffee in the sink, and got dressed.

  They arrived at Samantha’s and Tony greeted them. He took one look at Lily’s face, made eye contact with Samantha, and took Claire into the other room.

  “Come on, kiddo, let’s play a game.”

  Samantha took the bagels from Lily and steered her into the kitchen. Too tired to protest, she let herself be directed into a vinyl-covered chair. Samantha pushed her into the chair, handed her a cup of hot tea, and sat next to her. The beverage did nothing to warm her. If anything, she was colder.

  “What happened?”

  “I think Gideon and I broke up.” Lily dissolved into tears. Her chest ached and her heart shattered. Samantha sat with her and rubbed her shoulder.

  Tony, having left Claire to set up the game, hovered nearby. “Hey, Claire, what do you say we grab some breakfast and go over to the center to play?”

  “That’s great, Tony!” Claire cried with glee. “Bye!” she called out. The apartment stilled and it felt like the world stopped spinning on its axis. When Lily calmed enough to speak, she told Samantha everything that happened, starting with running into Elaine and ending up at Gideon’s apartment. Her throat was raw by the end and it was all she could do not to dissolve into tears again.

  “But he didn’t say specifically he didn’t want to see you again, did he?” Samantha asked.

  Reliving the memories of last night filled her with pain. “Sam, if you had seen his face and heard his tone, you wouldn’t ask that question.”

  “Couldn’t it just be a reaction to the shock of seeing Elaine? You know how he handles things—get upset first and apologize later.” Her voice was soothing, but it didn’t help.

  Lily shook her head. “No, we’re finished.” She could feel it deep in her bones. No matter how hard she’d tried, she hadn’t been able to get through to him.

  “I feel like it’s my fault,” Samantha anguished. “If I hadn’t given you guys the tickets, none of this would have happened.”

  She’d shown him numerous times that he could have faith in her, that she saw the man behind the wheels. But it hadn’t mattered. “It’s not your fault, Sam. Deep down, regardless of everything we’ve been through, Gideon just doesn’t trust me. And honestly, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me.” If he didn’t trust her feelings for him, what else wouldn’t he trust? Any relationship built without trust would crumble. Maybe not right away, but eventually. She wouldn’t do that to herself or to Claire, no matter how much it hurt.

  “I don’t think it’s you, Lil. He has this block when it comes to Elaine, and unfortunately he can’t get past it. If I had seen her, I would have killed her.”

  “Great, I would have lost the man I love and my best friend, all in one day. No thanks!” She wiped the tears away.

  The two women hugged. Samantha’s patchouli perfume didn’t calm Lily like it usually did.

  “I wish I could do something for you, Lily.”

  “Me too. I feel like I did when Daniel died, and I thought I could never feel that bad again.” And she had no idea how she’d survive.

  ****

  Gideon rolled through his apartment. White-hot anger filled his belly and burned his throat. He’d give anything to be able to get out of his chair and run, mile after mile until all of the rage oozed out of his pores with his sweat and he left it in the dust. But instead, he was stuck in this chair, and he slammed his fist against the wheel rim in frustration.

  He swiped his arm over his desk and sent a stack of papers flying. They scattered across the floor and he swore. He jabbed his fingers through his hair, no longer stiff with gel. It flopped on his hand. He had to finish this presentation. He’d worked on it all morning, but couldn’t concentrate on it for more than five minutes without images from last night running through his mind.

  Of all the people to run into, they’d run into Elaine. You’d think it would be easy to avoid someone in a city the size of New York. It wasn’t like they had the same interests—if he was honest with himself, they’d never had, even when they dated—or associated with the same people, or liked the same food. In three years, he hadn’t run into her once, but last night, the gods rebelled and his world had fallen apart. She’d seen him, humiliated him, and Lily had taken her side. Granted, she claimed to have tried to help him out, but she’d still chosen Elaine over him, heard Elaine’s side of the story.

  On his refrigerator hung a picture Claire drew for him. The bright colors matched those that flashed behind his eyes in his fury. What was he supposed to do now? He tore the sheet off the fridge. The Boston magnet skittered on the floor and slid under the stove. He balled the paper in his hand. The waxy, crayon scent floated to his nose and reminded him of the day he’d gone to Claire’s school. His heart constricted and he hunched over. His chest ached, his heart stuttered and his stomach was filled with acid. He never should have gotten involved with Lily, especially when he found out about her kid. It was bad enough breaking up with someone he loved—and he had one, and soon to be more, sleepless nights to prove that—but Claire made it worse. He loved that kid as if she were his own. His arms ached to hug her. In despair, he smoothed out the paper and traced his fingers over the thick crayon lines.

  A knock on his door startled him and he left the crumpled drawing on the counter as he went to answer it. He gripped the cold doorknob. What if it is Lily? His breath caught in his throat and he listened for the slightest sound of her. No. She wouldn’t return. He shook his head to clear it and opened the door. Samantha and Tony stood there. They knew. How did they find out? Oh yeah, it’s Sunday. Brunch. She’d told them. He stared at their somber faces and dared them to utter a word.

  “Can we come in?” Samantha asked. She blinked, as if she were imprinting his red eyes, messy hair framing a drawn face in
her brain. They continued to stare at each other until finally, he reversed without a word and went into the kitchen to make coffee. They followed.

  “So how are you doing?” Samantha asked. Tony kept quiet. His sister could learn a lot from him.

  “Fine.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “You don’t seem fine.”

  Gideon spun around. He glared at her, and Samantha flinched, as if she resisted the urge to duck. She stared at him, chin raised. His gaze bounced off her and moved to Tony, who also stared at him. That’s it, I’m telling them to leave. But as much as his brain wanted to do that, his heart wouldn’t let him. There were only so many times he could push the same people away. They loved him. He just couldn’t do it. He wilted, slightly. “What do you want me to say?” Fatigue made him sound hoarse as each word scraped its way out of his mouth.

  “Why did you and Lily break up?” Samantha asked. Her crestfallen expression tore at him.

  “Because it wasn’t going to work.” His shoulders ached with tension. What does she want me to say? I broke up with Lily because she chose Elaine over me?

  “Why not?”

  “Sam, we never should have gotten involved in the first place.” His stomach clenched. “Neither of us wanted that kind of relationship and she deserved more than I could give her.” His mouth tightened. “It wasn’t meant to be.” He clenched his fists. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but that’s just the way it goes.” A part of him died inside as he finished speaking.

  “Bull. You’re lying to yourself, putting up walls so you won’t be hurt again.” Her eyes flashed. “Fine, go ahead and do that, but you won’t be living—really living—with that wall. And the only one you’ll have to blame is yourself.” Her chest heaved with emotion.

  Gideon froze as the fury from last night and this morning threatened to boil over. The stillness magnified the tick of the kitchen clock, the whir of the coffee maker, the hum of the refrigerator. Tony put his hand over Samantha’s. She backed down, and Gideon thawed.

  “Gideon, I love you,” Samantha said as her tone softened. “You know that. And I haven’t seen you happier than when you were with Lily. The two of you were perfect together.”

  Memories washed over him. Her laughter pealed in his ear, her jasmine scent overshadowed the rich aroma of fresh-made coffee, and her sweet kisses made his lips tremble. He flared his nostrils as he concentrated on breathing; even that task required his complete attention, because every moment of every day she was there, a part of him. And now, without her, he was ripped open.

  “I know you have this thing about Elaine, but do you want to let her wreck your happiness again?”

  Gideon cleared his throat. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He swallowed. “It’s too late, Sam.”

  She leaned over, hugged him hard and walked out the door. Tony paused.

  “I don’t agree with your choice, Gideon, but I’ll support you no matter what. You know that, don’t you?”

  He blinked. “Yes,” he rasped, grateful for Tony’s friendship. They clasped hands, and Tony followed Samantha out the door. Gideon grabbed a picture frame and threw it across the room. When it shattered, he bowed his head as their footsteps echoed in the hall.

  Chapter 27

  Lily wrapped her hair around her hand and yanked. Pain surged through her scalp and she clamped her lips together and loosened her grip. She dropped her head and counted to ten then returned her focus to her computer.

  The Rapture account had heated up and required her to put in long hours at the office and bring work home as well. With her concentration at an all-time low, the most mundane tasks took her twice as long to do. Lack of sleep didn’t help—she spent most nights staring at the ceiling as she attempted not to think of Gideon. She wanted to crawl into bed and never come out again. Except if she did, she’d fall even more behind in her work. While Anne offered sympathy, she expected Lily to put her best effort into this new account. The upcoming trade show had to be perfect.

  Later, Lily stumbled home from work, exhausted. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. She didn’t notice the crisp fall air or the colorful leaves of the trees. The more hours she put into her work, the less time she could think about Gideon. She’d volunteered to attend the trade show so she didn’t have to think.

  Then of course, there was Claire. When Daniel had died, Claire was too young to understand what happened. Now, her daughter realized Gideon didn’t call, and noticed Lily crying. When Lily finally told her, Claire became hysterical.

  “But I love Gideon, Mommy. I want to see him.”

  Pain sliced through her, almost making her gasp. “I know sweetie, but you can’t right now. Maybe in a few weeks when things settle down, but it’s not going to work right now.”

  “But why not? Doesn’t he miss me too? He loves me and it’s not fair you’re not letting us talk to each other. You’re mean!” She’d run to her room and it was only after an hour that Lily had been able to calm her enough to go to sleep.

  When she’d woken this morning, Claire was still angry. Her teacher called Lily at lunchtime and Lily was forced to explain the situation to her. Another call to the guidance counselor had at least given her some ideas how to handle the situation, but it would be rough for a while.

  Her steps slowed as she approached her apartment. Her stomach clenched. What kind of storm did she face? She paid Tara and went into her daughter’s room. Claire sat at her desk doing homework. Lily leaned over, kissed her and let out a deep breath. Claire didn’t pull away, but she didn’t appear overjoyed to see her, either. However, it was a big improvement over last night.

  “Hi, sweetie. How was your day?”

  “Fine.” Claire kept her attention focused on her homework.

  “I heard you talked with Mrs. Newman.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did she help you?”

  Claire turned to her. “I don’t understand why you had to wreck everything with Gideon.”

  Lily sighed and sat on the bed. She massaged her temples, her blood pulsing beneath the surface. How could she explain to a seven year old that sometimes, a person was too broken to fix? Her throat was thick and she forced the words out. “Claire, I love you more than anything. You know that right?”

  “More than you love Gideon?”

  Lily swallowed. “More than anything.” Claire watched her. “I know how much you love him and I wish my actions didn’t have to hurt you. But unfortunately, sometimes grownups can’t be together, even if they love each other.” The child remained mute. “I know you miss Gideon, honey, and I do too. I’m not saying you can’t see him, I’m just saying we have to figure out how to make everyone happy, without hurting people any more than they’re already hurt, okay?”

  Claire nodded. “Could I talk to him on the phone sometimes?”

  “I know he’d love that, sweetheart. We’ll discuss it with Samantha and see what we can arrange, okay?”

  Claire hugged her. “I wish things could be the way they were.”

  She scrubbed a hand over her face. “I know honey, so do I.”

  Over the next couple of weeks, Lily buried herself in Claire and work. She spoke to Samantha and arranged for Claire to speak to Gideon on the phone once a week. The idea felt awkward, but Claire wanted the connection to him.

  She and Samantha continued to have brunch on Sundays, but Lily refused to discuss Gideon. He was Samantha’s brother and she didn’t want to put her friend in the middle. However, avoiding the topic gave it more importance, and Lily longed for the future when avoiding Gideon wouldn’t feel like such an effort.

  Often, she thought she heard him in the hall going to, or coming from, Samantha’s apartment, and she’d stand near her door and listen. She never went outside, but rested her head on the door and felt like a peeping Tom. She wished she knew why he couldn’t trust her, wished they’d been able to talk it out, but that would never happen. And she was sick of not being trusted. She didn
’t deserve this treatment. Only, getting angry made her sad.

  At work, she wrote press releases, position statements and marketing plans for Rapture, plus made media appointments for the trade show. At the last minute, Anne arranged a meeting with a potential pharmaceutical client for the last day of the trade show. Lily didn’t often handle pharmaceutical clients, but this one was developing a software program for the pharmaceutical industry and asked her firm for marketing help to the technology outlets. Lily squeezed them in at Anne’s request.

  While Lily was away, Samantha and Tara would watch Claire. She appreciated their support; without it, she wouldn’t be able to travel. And without the traveling, she’d have a lot less work to do, and a lot more time to think. The more she considered this, the happier she was she’d volunteered. Lily suspected Claire would also visit with Gideon, but she never asked, and no one mentioned anything to her. It’s probably better that way, for everyone involved. No matter how jealous of her daughter she might be.

  ****

  Gideon sat at his home computer, disgusted with himself.

  It had been six weeks since he and Lily broke up and he still couldn’t get out of his funk. The only people who tolerated him were Tony and Samantha. His friends, although polite, stopped calling and inviting him out. The boys at the center still depended on him, but now they stared at him with wary expressions as they waited for him to blow up. He coached basketball and helped with their homework, but the easy camaraderie was gone and he didn’t know how to retrieve it. Conversations with Claire were difficult, despite how much he enjoyed them. He didn’t think she noticed the change in him, or at least he hoped not. She sounded happy to talk to him about school and her friends. He’d change the subject when she started to mention Lily, but she slipped in snippets of information Gideon obsessed over for the rest of the week.