by J. H. Croix
I closed the front door behind me and flicked on a light as I shook the water off my coat and hung it by the door. Callie glanced up from her favored perch on the windowsill, but she didn’t move. She still approached me rarely and with caution, yet she seemed to have decided the life inside was preferred. After the first few days, she was reliably here when I came home. Even though I’d had a shower after the game, the damp chill was enough that I took another.
Afterwards, I stared inside my typically bare refrigerator. Swinging the refrigerator door shut, I quickly ordered takeout pizza and plunked down on the couch. My eyes kept traveling to my phone as I pondered whether to call Harper. My indecision annoyed me, so I ignored it. My pizza arrived, and I ate in my quiet flat with the news rumbling in the background. I lay in bed later, restless and irritated with my state of restlessness. I missed Harper and yet I hadn’t been able to bring myself to call her.
Chapter 22
Harper
I stood by my windows pacing while Stanley paced alongside me, his eyes flicking up to me every so often. Stanley was picking up on my restlessness because I’d texted Alex this morning and told him I couldn’t make it for our run. I’d said I didn’t feel well, which was completely true. I’d barely slept and was an emotional mess. I was still frustrated he hadn’t talked to me about his plea deal, but I was equally as frustrated, if not more so, with myself for not handling any of this calmly.
If there was one thing I’d thought I’d achieved in the aftermath of my life shattering in the span of roughly a half an hour four years ago, I thought it had been calm. Daisy teased me that I was the steady friend, the one she turned to for rational, reasoned advice. I felt anything but rational and reasoned lately. I didn’t like realizing that my hard won sense of calm was tied to avoiding anything and anyone that stirred up my emotions. Alex definitely stirred me up inside—in more ways than one. The collision of his presence in my life and my passing encounter with Joe had sent me spinning inside.
I flung myself on the couch, and Stanley climbed up beside me. I glanced over at him and burst out laughing. He was such a tall dog that he looked silly on the couch. His solemn blue gaze met mine, and he whined softly, nudging my shoulder with his nose. I sighed and reached over to pet him. Maybe he was a dog, but he’d been my most steady source of comfort. He offered completely unconditional love and was fiercely protective. I leaned my head into his shoulder. “Stanley, what should I do?” I mumbled into his fur.
Of course, Stanley didn’t have anything to say to this, although he leaned into me and let me sob into his fur. After a few minutes, I lifted my head and looked over at him. “So, should I get over myself and call Alex?”
No surprise, but Stanley had nothing to offer to this either. His solemn gaze met mine, and he nudged my shoulder again. He liked Alex and had come to rely on our morning runs together. I guessed he was let down we weren’t out today and felt a twinge of remorse. I’d have to sort this out in my own head one way or another. I stood up and stretched. I needed to take Stanley for a walk before I left for work. I snagged my jacket and headed outside with Stanley at my side. I sensed he picked up on my rattled emotional state because he walked a tad closer than usual at my side as we made our way down the street. Once I was outside, I suddenly decided I’d run anyway. I had Stanley with me, and I wasn’t going to be afraid to run on my own. I headed to the park with Stanley jogging at my side.
Once we got there, I sensed Stanley kept expecting to see Alex with his ears perked up and his eyes scanning the area in front of us. Much as part of me wanted to see Alex too, I needed to get a handle on myself first. I wasn’t sure if I’d fling myself at him or get angry if I saw him. It didn’t help that I missed him like crazy and was also annoyed as hell with myself for being so capricious.
Running helped clear my mind as it always had. No matter what happened with Alex, he’d given this back to me simply by virtue of running with me. I’d been able to take walks once I’d gotten Stanley, but the act of running outside was like tripping a breaker inside. A therapist had told me it functioned as a trigger—which was both protective and limiting at once.
My breath came in steady gusts, and I was starting to feel that sense of energy coursing through me when I rounded a corner on the path and looked ahead to see Joe running toward me. My heart stopped and then lunged—a fear-fueled pounding that mingled with my gut churning.
My eyes darted around, and I almost dashed up a nearby path. Stanley moved slightly closer, his fur brushing lightly against my leggings. I started to slow, the sense of fear and dread tightening inside. This was the first time I’d laid eyes on Joe when Alex didn’t happen to be nearby. By chance only, Alex’s presence had kept me from tumbling headlong into the panic that had once haunted me. Right now, the panic rose inside, fierce and strong. Joe was still some distance away and didn’t appear to have noticed me yet. His eyes were on the ground as he ran.
I glanced around and saw a smattering of other people in the park, some walking, some running and a few sitting on benches overlooking the water. A gust of wind came from Puget Sound, carrying a salty, briny scent with it and spinning my ponytail in a swirl. I kept running, one foot in front of the other, my pace faster than usual. I couldn’t say I consciously thought about it, but my feet decided they weren’t veering away. I was in full view of enough people that Joe couldn’t hurt me. I could and would run past him.
The only noises I heard were the sound of my feet striking the ground, my breath coming in and out, and Stanley’s soft padding run beside me. As Joe got closer, I forced my eyes away from looking at him directly, although I tracked his movement in the periphery of my vision. The closer he got, the faster my heart pounded, but I kept running, I kept breathing, and I kept moving. I sensed when Joe realized it was me because his pace slowed. When I passed him by, he came to a stop.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked, anger evident in his tone.
I stopped and beat back the panic tightening my throat. I looked over at him and saw nothing other than the cowardly man he was. “I’m running,” I replied.
Stanley’s soft growl emanated, but he stayed by my side. Joe stared at me and shook his head. “I’d better not have to listen to some bullshit about being near you again.” He pointed a finger at me. “You’d best steer clear of me. Got it?”
I stared back at him, anger cracking its whip inside of me. “I’m living my life, Joe. It so happens that means I like to run in the park. I’m not the one who has to worry about what anyone might think about what I’m doing. You are. If anyone needs to steer clear, it’s you.”
He stared back at me, his face reddening. He clenched his jaw, the muscles visibly tightening. I sensed he expected me to back down, to look away, to do anything other than stand my ground. Although my heart was pounding its adrenaline, fear-fueled beat, and I felt sick, I stood there waiting. Because I wasn’t going to keep hiding. Not forever. This was my life and I intended to live it without making accommodations to avoid a man who’d nearly broken me.
At that moment, a woman who I saw often when I ran in the mornings with Alex jogged past us. Her eyes flicked between Joe and me, and she stopped. “Are you okay?” she asked me.
I didn’t know if ‘okay’ was the way to describe how I felt, but it would do. I nodded. “Yeah, thanks.”
She glanced to Joe. “Geez, dude, if you’re trying to look like an asshole, you’ve achieved it.”
Joe turned his angry gaze to her. “Fuck you both.”
At that, he turned away and started running. He cut up a trail into the trees, his form disappearing within seconds. I looked back at the woman who’d stopped. She was, well, she was just ordinary looking. She was of average build and average height with short light brown hair and brown eyes. She met my gaze and shrugged. “Was it just me, or was he giving off major dick vibes? Didn’t mean to be weird by stopping and saying something.”
My heartbeat was slowing and that cold, panicky f
eeling was slowly easing. I looked back at her. “Stop anytime. You were right. He’s a full-blown asshole.”
She threw her head back with a laugh. “Nice to know my instincts were on target.”
Stanley nudged her hand because he was ever the opportunist if he decided someone was worth it. She glanced down and stroked his head. “I’m Megan by the way. I’ve seen you here a few times.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Harper, and that’s Stanley.”
She grinned. “Aren’t you usually here with your boyfriend?”
Her question was perfectly innocent, but my heart gave a hard thump. Was it that obvious? What lay between Alex and me, that is. I didn’t really want to go deep right here and now, so I simply nodded. After a few more pets for Stanley, she glanced at her watch. “I should get going.”
She was about to take off when I suddenly spoke, startling myself probably as much as her. “Just a heads up since you’re here a lot. That guy you just saw?”
At her nod, I continued. “He’s not just a jerk. I won’t get into the details, but if you ever see him, steer clear. He’s not safe to be around if you’re alone.”
Megan’s eyes widened. I wondered if I shouldn’t have said anything, but then her gaze cleared and she nodded. “Got it. Thanks for the warning. Now that I pissed him off, it’s probably best I know.” If she had questions about what I meant, she didn’t ask them. She gave a wave and started jogging again.
I watched her form grow smaller as she made her way down the path following along the water. I closed my eyes and gulped in the salty morning air gusting off the water. After another breath, I looked out over Puget Sound. Gulls called and swooped in the air, boats dotted the water as the day began, and the sun’s early morning rays peeked through the clouds. I wanted to see Alex.
Chapter 23
Alex
I stepped out of the shower and quickly dried off. After Harper said she couldn’t make it for our morning run, I’d hopped on my treadmill. I didn’t particularly like running on a treadmill, but I wasn’t up for running alone in the park without Harper. It had become a place associated so strongly with her, going there without her only made my heart ache. I’d meant to insist on talking to her this morning and was gnashing against the bite of frustration when she closed that window of opportunity. I’d stopped by her flat anyway, only to get no answer.
A shower after a rote run on the treadmill wasn’t exactly invigorating the way a run through the cool morning air with Harper would’ve been. At the sound of a knock, I tied my towel around my waist and strode to the door. My brain was half-conked, so I wasn’t even wondering who it was as I opened the door. Harper stood there with Stanley at her side. My heart set to hammering in my chest, and the longing I’d come to associate solely with her slammed into me. With her, it wasn’t simple physical longing, though I couldn’t be anywhere near her without wanting her fiercely. Rather, it was like having my heart held in her hands while my body spun all of its focus to her.
Her glossy brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail with loose locks escaping and framing her face. She looked as if she’d gone for a run with a worn gray t-shirt over fitted black leggings. Her blue eyes were bright and her cheeks pink. I couldn’t help it. One look at her and lust lashed me, cracking like a whip inside. I’d like to think I had more control, but when it came to her, I was coming to recognize just how little I had. She looked up at me, her eyes wide, an intensity contained in her gaze.
“Can I come in?” she finally asked.
I hadn’t realized I’d been doing nothing other than standing there staring at her.
“Right. Of course,” I said reflexively, stepping back.
Stanley had been here enough, he knew where he liked to go. He padded by me after nudging my hand for a greeting and curled up in a little patch of sunshine by the window. Callie eyed him from her perch above on the windowsill, but let him be. I closed the door behind Harper and went to lean my hips against the back of the sofa.
Harper’s gaze coasted over me, her eyes darkening. I knew the look in her eyes, it was the look she had when she wasn’t trying to keep me out, the look I only saw when we were tangled up and sweaty. My body knew that look quite well. Another crack of the whip inside sent blood shooting straight to my groin. For a split second, I almost shifted to keep it from being blatantly obvious the effect she had on me, but then I didn’t. Fuck it. All I was wearing was a towel, so it was near to impossible to hide the fact my cock was hard. I might not be the chattiest bloke around, but I had nothing to hide from her. No matter what happened, I didn’t care to pretend like I didn’t want her like mad.
Her eyes traveled back up to mine, darkening further. She stood only a few feet away in front of me. She crossed and uncrossed her arms and took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. She seemed, well, stirred up. “I went running anyway, and I missed you. I saw Joe,” she blurted out.
A bolt of anger hit me. I straightened. “What the fuck?! Did he say anything to you? Dammit, Harper. Why did you go alone? I don’t care if you’re upset with me, at least don’t shut me out like that. He could have…”
She shook her head sharply and closed the distance between us, her hands sliding down my arms to my hands, which were curled into fists. “He can’t do anything to me out in the open. It’s not too crowded at the park in the morning, but there are always people around. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
Her tone was soft, but insistent, puncturing the anger clouding my mind. I forced myself to focus on her. Her cheeks had flushed deeper. Having her this damn close wasn’t helping me keep a grip. No matter what my mind was doing, my body was focused like a laser on my primal, driving need for Harper. Getting angry was like pouring gas on the fire. I gritted my teeth and latched onto the frayed thread of my control.
“Did he say anything to you?”
She angled her head to the side and nodded. “I think he expected me to go the other way when he realized who I was. I decided not to. Because I’m not going to keep making my life one giant detour around him and what happened. He asked what I was doing there, so I told him I was running.” She laughed softly. “I think it pissed him off I didn’t just cower. Anyway, even better, you know that woman we see there sometimes?”
“We see more than one woman there. I don’t know who you mean.”
I managed, just barely, to keep from pounding my fist against, well anything, because I was so fucking furious Joe had been anywhere near Harper. I was trying, I really was, to stay in control here. But I was fighting two competing urges—the urge to storm out of here, find Joe and bash his face in again, and the urge to tear Harper clothes off and bury myself so deeply inside of her, I couldn’t tell where she ended and I began.
Harper’s lips curled in a small smile at my reply. “You’d know her if you saw her. Anyway, she stopped to check on me and told Joe if he was trying to look like an asshole, he’d achieved it. He told us to fuck off and then left.” At this, Harper burst out laughing.
I didn’t know how the hell to respond. Still flat out furious at Joe, I stared at Harper, unsure if she was okay or not. Her laugh had a wild edge to it. When she finally caught her breath, she looked over at me, and I realized tears were rolling down her cheeks.
Bloody hell. I had no fucking idea what the right thing to do here was. I stopped thinking and wrapped her in my arms. Damn. There was nothing more right than having her flush against me. I didn’t know if I was comforting her or not. I certainly didn’t know what she needed. All I knew was I wanted to hold her, so I did. She buried her face in my chest and slipped her arms around my waist. I could feel the pounding of her heart against my skin. I’d like to say I had more control, but my body had a mind of its own when it came to Harper. With her plastered against me, my cock hardened even more, despite my efforts to talk it down.
After a minute, she lifted her head. I glanced down and collided with her gaze. One of her hands mapped its way up my chest, making it even harder for
me to make sense of what to do. “I’m sorry I’ve been…” She paused and worried her bottom lip. Seriously? She needed to stop that post-haste if she expected me to behave in any sensible, gentlemanly manner. “Well, I don’t know what I’ve been, but I think it hasn’t been fair to you. You know what I thought at first?”
I shook my head because I had no clue…about so many things when it came to her.
“I thought we could have a fling. I hadn’t had sex in years and I figured you were the perfect guy to get that out of the way. Because, well, because even you have to know you’re pretty hot. And I trusted you, which isn’t something I do very often.” She paused, her cheeks flushing. Another dent of her teeth in her plump bottom lip, and I almost kissed her then, but she kept talking. “Daisy tried to tell me that wasn’t my thing, but I ignored her. Everything in my head got all tangled up. I figured out I was only okay as long as I didn’t care. But I can’t not care about you. When I’m with you, everything feels right, so right it scares the shit out of me.” That dark look was in her eyes again. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, just that I’m sorry I tried to push you away, and I missed you. I don’t want to keep missing you,” she said, a flicker of uncertainty in her gaze.
My heart was pounding so damn hard, it was a miracle I was still managing to breathe. I stared back at her, trying to think of the right thing to say. “You don’t need to be sorry and you don’t need to be scared. I’m not much for talking and that probably didn’t help. I picked up maybe you were after not much more than a few nights with me, but I wanted a lot more, so I ignored it. Maybe I should’ve…”
She put her finger over my lips. “You don’t have to explain anything. Just answer one question, okay?”
At my nod, she took a deep breath. This, of course, pushed her breasts up against me. My cock noticed, oh boy did it notice. I forced my attention to Harper and away from the recollection about what it felt like to sink inside of her. She said she had one question. I could hang on long enough to answer.